[starlady]

I'm just 17 and my boyfriend who is 18 has plans on giving me a engagement ring the day of my graduration in '08. I told him I don't want to get married until after college but he said he wans to give it to me to always remember him by and so when I finish college (he's planning to going to college with me) we can get married. Is this a good idea? I told him to wait on the proposal but he is dead serious about making me his wife!

[Capuchin]

I personally think that that is way too young for marriage. I didn't know what I wanted from life at 18. When you're in love you do stupid things, you fail to see the big picture. By accepting you will be setting yourself up for a possible fall in future.

I think your first instincts are correct. Be strong and let him down gently.

[Canada_Sweety]

Wow... that is a totally huge step. If you're not ready to be married it's understandable, seeing how you have your life ahead of you. Just tell him to hold off for a little while if you aren't ready, because rushing into things when you're unprepared can ruin it forever. If you're ready to commit but you're scared then talk to him about it and try to fix your problem. This seems like a slightly bad idea because you reallly don't seem ready. And if he asks and you're still not ready, just say that you need some time to think about it or something that would give you a bit more time without saying no, because saying no might hurt him. Good Luck and I hope you boyfriend will hold off.

[starlady]

I really liked you answer and am not ready thank you so much

[michealb]

It's going to be hard because he thinks he is ready and won't understand why you doubt that you will be happy together but you are right not to want to get engaged at such a young age. Many people change from 18 to 23 and although an engagement isn't a binding contract tell him that if for some reason you do grow apart that it's going to be hard enough on you as it is and being engagement will make it that much harder for you. Also you could say that if you get engaged you don't think you could wait to plan the wedding so you only want a year engagement. Use which ever one you think he is more likely to accept and be done with it. Try to get it across to him before he buys the ring because it will be that much harder to convince him otherwise if he has bought the ring already.

[modular01]

People change a lot when they go to college. What you want now might be totally different then once you get out of college. Same goes for him. I would personally wait; no need to rush into the biggest event / decision in your life. If he truly loves you he will understand and wait. If he doesn't then he isn't right for you.

[Lowtax4eva]

Agreed, college does have a way of changing people, you may both be very different people when you start college, I'd wait a bit.

[GoldieMae]

I got married in my freshman year of college, and it is VERY difficult to be married and be a student at the same time. Ask him if he can save his money and give you a promise ring instead. Emotions run really deep at this age. I can't honestly tell you it won't work because I've been married a really long time now, but if you were my daughter, I'd say wait.

[saraispiel19]

well teen mαrriαge is quite frowned upon- i know this..been there done thαt.. your moods do chαnge just like everyone hαs sαid.. lord knows it's hαppened to me.. you sαy your not serious αbout it but if it ever does cross your mind αnd your determined to be α young bride, i'd like for you to reαd this (from αnother one of my previous posts):

... before jumping the wαgon consider going to like α couple's course kindα thing thαt you do before tαking the big step towαrds mαrriαge to see if you guys αre on the sαme pαge αbout things (like):

αre you reαdy to get mαrried?
Until α person hαs mαtured αs αn individuαl, it is difficult to know if α relαtionship thαt worked for them in their younger yeαrs will still be working for them yeαrs lαter. hαve you experienced everything you wαnted to αs α single person?

finαnces
Do you hαve enough money to get mαrried? Getting mαrried cαn be expensive. Once you αre mαrried, how will you spend your money? Discussing money issues αheαd of time, (spending hαbits αnd where you eαch feel your money should go), cαn prevent disαgreements lαter. Discuss how you αnd your pαrtner feel αbout buying, sαving, αnd shαring bαnk αccounts. How will the bills be split up? Will α prenuptiαl αgreement be necessαry?

how αlike αre you?
Where do you stαnd on importαnt issues such αs religion αnd hαving children? Do you both αgree on whαt α "good relαtionship" looks like? Do your personαlities clαsh or αre you in-sync? While some people prefer thαt their mαte to be very similαr to them, others feel thαt differences "spice up" the relαtionship. Whαt αre your expectαtions from mαrriαge? Whαt αre your pαrtner's? Do you think αre αble to give your pαrtner whαt she needs?

personαl needs αnd beliefs
Whαt do you need to mαke α relαtionship work? Whαt αre your views on importαnt issues such αs loyαlty, honesty, αnd deαling with αnger? How do your views fit with your pαrtner's? Whαt behαviors αre considered to be "off-limits"? Communicαte these with your pαrtner.

communication skills
How do you plαn to communicαte with your pαrtner? Do you know how to fight fαirly? There will be things you disαgree on — how will you hαndle this? Set ground rules for communicαtion, mαking sure to discuss specific issues such αs αrguing, yelling, αnd nαme-cαlling. αre you αble to resolve issues to reαch α compromise?

life outside of mαrriαge
hαving α life outside of your pαrtner is vitαl, αnd it is importαnt to mαintαin your identity rαther thαn to lose yourself in your mαte. Discuss how much time you will set αside to spend time with friends, or on hobbies. αre there certαin αctivities thαt αre expected to be discontinued or chαnged once you begin your mαrried life?

i know you want to have children?
How many? How do you plαn to discipline them, rαise them, αnd cαre for them? How would you hαndle issues such αs infertility αnd αdoption should they come up? hαving children brings chαnges into your relαtionship αnd you will hαve less time to focus on the two of you. It's important not to lose yourself in your new roles αs pαrents, αnd to find α wαy to mαintαin the pαrtnership you hαve creαted.

employment
Whαt αre your long-term cαreer goαls? Will you hαve to trαvel or relocαte for your job? Do you spend long hours αt the office? Do your work schedules αllow enough time for you to spend together? Whαt kind of effect will your job hαve on your fαmily life? If she hαs children, will someone quit their job to tαke cαre of them?

sex
Being unsαtisfied with your sex life cαn cαuse problems in your relαtionship. Discuss your expectαtions with your pαrtner, αnd find out whαt she expects from you in return.

dαily life
Who will be responsible for dαily αctivities such αs household chores αnd pαying the bills? How will these responsibilities be hαndled if life's circumstαnces chαnge — for exαmple, when children αre born or work hours αre chαnged?

how committed αre you to the relαtionship?
When your relαtionship goes through chαnges (which it will), αre you willing to tαke the necessαry steps to deαl with the chαnges? αre you open to counseling if you find your relαtionship is in trouble, or αre you more likely to give up?

personαl spαce
αre there times when you need to be left αlone? tαlked to? Listened to? Comforted? Communicαte these needs cleαrly to your pαrtner.

how to keep your mαrriαge exciting
How will you find wαys to keep your relαtionship sαtisfying? When do you plαn to dedicαte time to your relαtionship αnd how do you plαn to do so? Whαt is your ideα of time together — spending time with α group of friends, wαtching sports on TV, α privαte cαndlelit dinner, α wαlk in the pαrk? cαn you mαke α regulαr "dαte night" α priority?

fαmily/friends
Do you get αlong with the people who αre importαnt in your pαrtner's life? If not, will it cαuse problems in your relαtionship?

remαrrying/blending fαmilies
If your pαrtner hαs been mαrried before, you mαy hαve αdditionαl issues to discuss. If there αre children involved, whαt will your role with them be? Discuss whαt the relαtionships αre with her ex-pαrtner(s), αnd whαt you expect your spouse's relαtionship to be with those people.

know your odds
Stαtistics hαve shown couples who lived together before they were mαrried, those who were previously mαrried, αnd those without α college educαtion αre more likely to get α divorce.

**since your young***
You will need your pαrent's consent to get mαrried, do they αgree to this?

-- the more ground you cover the better you αre lαter, i know this i'm mαrried...sheesh i wish someone told me this! goodluck to yα--

[lacuran8626]

How about just agreeing to go to prom together? He is trying to stake a claim here for the future - he's afraid he'll loose you during college. That may well happen. Don't go off to college with your hands tied behind your back - stand firm about not accepting a proposal until you are out of college and ready. YOu just aren't in a position to make that kind of a decision now. You need to go away to college when the time comes with an open life - to accept change in yourself and others, and to meet a lot of new people. If your relationship continues (most don't, I'm sorry to say - but almost without exception it's for the better anyway), you will have lost nothing. If it ends, well, that's what was supposed to happen.

Don't lease your future so young. You aren't ready to marry, so planning for that is way too premature.

[Fr_Chuck]

Tell him bluntly, don't buy it, you are not going to be engaged at this poit in your life. IF he refuses to listen, don't accept the ring,

A serious relastionship needs both parties to understand and listen to the other. If he is trying to force you to do what he wants, without listening to you, this is a bad sign to start with.

Merely tell him, don't do it, you won't accept it, or wear it, and if he does, give it back and tell him after you graduate college.

[self_lnflicted_hell]

Why not just a promise ring? My boyfriend of 2 years gave me one and while at work one day a co-worker saw it and asked him if he'd given me an engagement ring, he said no, it's a promise ring, and she replied with "What, you promise to get rid of her when someone better comes along?"!! It was SO funny so that's what I tell people now if they ask, I just say "Nope, it's a promise ring, he promises to get rid of me when someone better comes along but it ain't happening, he's stuck with me" :)

[starlady]

Thank you so much for our advice... I needed that

[Niaberry06]

Don't worry about everybody else. Do what you feel. Seriously,if you live your life worrying about what people and their opinions... you will get nowhere.
I can relate to you... not in age though... How long have you guys been dating?

[modular01]

Dont worry about everybody else. Do what you feel. Seriously,if you live your life worrying about what people and their opinions...you will get nowhere.
I can relate to you...not in age though.... How long have you guys been dating?

The OP came on here and asked for advice, and people gave it to her. What is wrong with that?

[talaniman]

Starlady, Im just 17 and my boyfriend who is 18 has plans on giving me a engagement ring the day of my graduration in '08. I told him I don't want to get married until after college

Sounds like a great plan and you should stick to your guns.

but he said he wans to give it to me to always remember him by and so when I finish college (he's planning to going to college with me) we can get married.

Poor guy loves you and is afraid to lose you.

Is this a good idea?

No it isn't as its to far a way to commit right now and setting you both up for failure and takes away any options about your futures, together or apart.

I told him to wait on the proposal but he is dead serious about making me his wife!

He is in love or thinks he is , but I see a great big red flag here and that is he thinks he can ignore your wishes, and impose his own agenda, NOT GOOD. Nip this in the bud with a very firm NO.:cool:

[self_lnflicted_hell]

Why make it such a big deal with a big firm "NO" Just tell him that you'll accept it only if it's a promise. There's nothing wrong with promise rings. It's a promise that you'll still be there and that when the time comes, when your both ready, you will get married. Do you want to marry him? And at least you know that (for now) he wants you as his wife. I think that nothing should be set in stone until after college. Wait til' graduation and go from there. Feelings can change, there will be other opportunities, you're both still so young for decisions to be made like this. Tell him that you do want to be with him but you want to see where you go during college seeins how you're both young. Good luck :)

[Mario3]

It's a pretty young age because you don't know who your going to meet in life. And if you guys love each other he shouldn't want to rush this. Just talk to him

[AYDINSMAMA06]

Just Because He Gives You The Ring And Ask You To Marry Him Doesn't Mean That You Then Have A Time Limit On When You Have To Get Married. The Engagement Can Last As Long As You Want It To. A Month A Year, Three Years. If You Love Him And Know That You Want To Take That Step One Day In The Future, There Is Nothing Wrong With Taking That Ring. But If You Have Second Thoughts About It At All You Should Give It Time. Don't Rush Into Anything Your Not Ready For Because Chances Are Its Not Going To Work Out If You Do.
Hope This Helps!

[s_cianci]

Since you have no intention of marrying until you finish college, I wouldn't accept (or offer) any proposal so soon. A lot can change in 4 years. To accept a proposal now just wouldn't be the right and fair thing to do since you want to wait until you complete college.