[sooverit]

My ex-boyfriend of two years and I broke up about a year ago because he became a devout christian and didn't think we were on the same life path. He wanted to stop doing things we had done in the past and literally broke the news to me in one day and wanted the changes to happen over-night. I am a christian however I would not call myself a religious fanatic or obsessed with religion. The break up was rough but at the time it was necessary.

Every 3-4 days I would get a phone call telling me to come over or to hang out or that he missed me, and I was always around. We would continue to hang out like boyfriend and girlfriend but whenever I would ask if we were back together the answer was always no, or "not yet" or "not right now." I continued to hang out with him in hopes that he would see we were good together. Every time we would hang out he would tell me he didn't think I was "equally-yoked" in religion as him, or that I needed to change my life goals to be with him. Let me reiterate that I am not somebody who has bad morals or somebody who NEEDS any life - changing to begin with.

After months of doing this, I caught him talking to another girl. I swore to never speak to him again and then he came running back to me. We got back together for about 3 weeks, and then he met another girl and broke up with me again. He always comes back about a week after telling me he doesn't think we can date saying how much he misses me and that if we can just get on the same page we can get back together. He always, however, lets me know that he is still soul searching and doesn't know exactly what he wants. He tells me he wants to be with me, but needs to make sure I am the right person for him and that we are spiritually connected.

I found out recently, that he was pursuing another female at the same time that he was telling me he loved me. I too started dating (very casually) another guy, because I was told to move on. It wasn't until recently he told me him and this other female hooked up while him and I had been "working things out" during one of our many "working things out" periods. I feel very strung along like I'm wasting my life waiting for this man to come to his senses and finally commit. Whenever he says he wants me back it always ends with "but I dont want to jump into a relationship, we need to work things out and make sure we can get back together." I love him and I know what we had when we actually had something was great but this just sucks now. Any advice?

[sooverit]

Thanks for responding Enigma1999. I rewrote the question with an explanition in "I have been going in circles with my ex boyfriend for a year now." Let me know if you check it out, it is above this one. Thank you!

[joypulv]

As long as he can have you back while he explores, chances this will go on and on. So the question is what do you want to do? Asking him if his return means you are back together sounds so one sided and passive. I'd start saying what YOU want out of HIM for a change, and if he leaves, so be it.
I don't think you are in love with him, you are in love with a memory.
You might be really relieved to start anew. Just from what I've seen and known in life, odds are he's stringing you along while he finds someone else, not seeing if he wants you or not.

[sooverit]

You are the 100th person that has said to me, what do YOU want and I've never been able to answer that because I have been waiting around for him to make the decision. Just after I wrote this he sent me an email saying "I want to be in a relationship with you, but not today, how would I ever know if i wanted to be with you again unless we hang out and see where it goes first." I feel like it is a constant string along.

[talaniman]

Your ex isn't running you in circles, you are going in circles because you are in denial of the facts. He is looking for something else besides you, he is not trying to work a darn thing out with you, his words and actions don't match.

He keeps doing the same thing over and over, and instead of leaving his insanity and getting something good in your life, you still hang on to his words, which are FALSE,and denying his actions, which are TRUE.

So the question really is, when are you going to give up the false hope of him changing his ways, and stop being in denial of the facts, and leave. Oh and just so you know, he is a devout liar on top of everything else, so why are you still there is the question to ask yourself.

Disappear from his life, and lies, and you stop going in circles. Don't listen to his lies any more, and the confusion stops, and you only have your feelings to cope with, without his toxic influence. No he doesn't love you, and you don't seem to love yourself.

That's what needs changing, YOU, not him.

[sooverit]

Very true.

[joypulv]

'... i've never been able to answer that because I have been waiting around for him to make the decision.'

WRONG. You have 'been able' to answer but have chosen not to. And waiting for him to decide is no 'because.'
HOW COMPLICATED DOES IT HAVE TO BE TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT?
You want commitment. That usually means marriage. Heck, if he's such a Christian, maybe he thinks the fact that you aren't throwing him out for not marrying you is proof that you aren't a Christian with old fashioned values of sex is sacred and reserved for marriage and children.

' I feel like it is a constant string along.'

WRONG. You know it is. You've said it. Over and over. We've said it. Apparently so have others. Stop sounding like a broken record and being so passive. If you can't say that you want marriage and children or get lost, then you probably don't want him.

[answerme_tender]

Okay so what you USE to have was great. Obviously his feelings have change. He isn't even man enough to tell you straight up that he wants to pursue other woman, so he blames you for adding up, not being religious enough. This man needs to practice what he preaches! You are no more then an option for him when he isn't striking oil with another woman, he let you come back into his life, with limitations of course, then once again moves on to new pursuit.
Being strong in whatever beliefs we may have is a personel issue and in no way be forced down someone's throat, nor an excuse to degrade anyone.
Kick his judgemental backside to the curb. Don't waste anymore of your life waiting for something that isn't ever going to happen. Get out with YOUR friends,family. There are men out their who appreciate a good woman. Good luck

[Jake2008]

By using 'religion' as a reason to keep you at arm's length, is a good one, because he knows you can never measure up to his 'standards' of what he expects you to be. Or become. He can always use that trump card, because it will leave you feeling that you don't, or won't or can't measure up.

It is no different to me than him saying that you aren't educated enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough, or intellectually savvy enough. Except that the religion excuse has you in a corner, because if he believes himself to be in judgment of you, because of being a so-called Christian, he can essentially, forever, find you not good enough, ever.

That he justifies his apparent conflicts with his judgments (being a Christian isn't stringing somebody along, using them, then tossing them aside when a better, different, or more interesting woman comes along), by then turning around and saying, he is still trying to find himself, within the context of being a Christian.

That makes his excuses all fit, in his world, because he is 'searching', and that sounds like a noble, worthy, personal journey, to find true happiness, peace, and internal enlightenment. Nothing he does in his world, is less than noble.

What he really is, is a coward. He is also a man that wants his cake and eat it too. A temporary trip back to being single, pursuing other women, having fun, and all without remorse, because it falls into that now familiar category, of 'finding himself as a Christian'.

That skewed vision he has of himself, how he uses women, and how he strings you along, is nohing short of a scam. The only person who benefits from his comfortable little game, is him.

Maybe you only need cofirmation of the obvious, from different perspectives, and from different opinions. But I do think that you know what's going on here, and his life, does not seriously include you, except to use you, when it is convenient for him.

You can never measure up to a scam artists' expectations, because they won't allow you to. Part of the plan is to keep you guessing, keep you trying, keep you confused, keep you close enough that you won't let go, but far away enough that you can't stop or hinder his activities.

Advice? I think his actions speak loud and clear. Your actions should be to end this farce of a relationship, find your backbone, dump the user, and get on with your life.

[Devorameira]

Please listen to the advice you've gotten here - you've got some really good advice.

He's not a devout Christian - a devout Christian isn't sleeping around with several women and treating you the way he's treating you. He is right - you aren't equally yoked because you're far better than him.

He seems to always be telling you that you're the problem and maybe if this changes or that changes that you'll get back together. Well the truth is that HE is the problem and you need to treat him just like any other nasty problem that comes along. In other words - get rid of him.

You deserve so much better than you're getting. Toss him to the curb and find someone that loves and respects you.