[distressedad]

My 20 yr old son hates his mother and I. We have been having major problems with him since the beginning of grade 11. He did manage to receive a grade 12 diploma after many, many meetings and phone calls with teachers who wanted to kick him out.

He is verbally abusive to both his mother (called her a c**t and other names) and I and, has been for the past couple of years. He basically has nothing nice to say unless we are doing something for him. We kicked him out when he was mid 18. He returned home at late 19 with our understanding that he wanted to go to college. He has joined college (mostly online), but has quit his job. He does not seem to do much in the way of study or actual school work. He pays no rent nor helps with bills, but has chipped in once for food. He drinks, smokes pot and, I suspect he has tried other drugs. He has an attitude where he is always right and, pulls statements out of his butt (so to speak) about any given subject. He basically can not or will not admit he is ever wrong about anything - insisting on his version of whatever. He displays a dominating attitude towards his girlfriend and, basically comes across most often as an angry, even hateful type.

Very recently he and I got into an heated exchange. I admit I was getting in his face, raising my voice. He jumped up and came towards me with a look that frankly frightened me - I thought he was about to hit me. He is much larger than I am. So, I actually pushed him backwards into an easy chair. He was not hurt - I somehow suffered a badly sprained toe. Since this incident, he has called me some very hateful names while in the company of his friends. And now, he refuses to speak with me even though I have apologized and asked him if we could talk about what happened.

Thoughts?

[DoulaLC]

First, talk it out first... when things are calm, have a sit down discussion on how things have been and how you need them to change. See if you can work it out as a family. Were there any ground rules set up when he moved back in since you had difficulties before? If there is anyway you think he might join you and your wife in family counseling so that all of you can learn ways of dealing with the situation, you might try that and see how it goes.

You could present that option to him, otherwise I'd let him know that while you love him and have tried to support him by allowing him to move back home while attending school, even with his passed behavior, you simply can not and will not allow the abuse (and that is exactly what it is) and disrespect to continue once more. He obviously didn't learn anything the last time.

Loving people do not call each other names, do not take advantage of what they have been given, are not disrespectful. Disagreements now and then are one thing... disrespect, not accepting responsibility for his behavior, and the horrendous name calling don't fly.

If he simply won't make an effort to do better, give him a time limit to get his things in order and move out. Let him know that you and his mother will always love him, care about him, and worry about how he is doing, and that it is your hope that he will someday understand why this has become necessary. You will always be there for him to talk to, to get advice from if he is interested, or just to have a sounding board for ideas, but that is it.

He can be welcome anytime, once his behavior is respectful. It is that simple.

No arguments, no raised voices, matter of fact. You and your wife have done your job of raising him, now he has to make his own way.

It's hard, you will second guess yourself at times... wonder if you did the right thing, but he has to learn. Sometimes it is the hard way that is the best teacher.

I wish you well...

[Wondergirl]

My 20 yr old son ... We have been having major problems with him since the beginning of grade 11.

Was he a good kid until grade 11, or did you have ups and downs with behavior and discipline all along? Either way, please elaborate. If the downhill slide started for absolutely no reason in grade 11, why then?

[Jake2008]

Why do you put up with it.

Why is he still at home, at age 20.

He is capable of working, but quit his job. He is not handicapped in any way, he's a healthy adult, and yet you continue to support him. He does no chores, comes and goes as he pleases, is verbally abusive toward you and your wife, and chooses to bully his way into remaining a boorish, spoiled, entitled, rude, man. As you said, he's only nice when you give him things. So I take it you continue to give him things.

Get him out of your home!! He is not 15, he's a 20 year old man. He can find work, bunk with friends until he can afford his own place, or get himself temporary shelter and support through welfare. And good luck with that, as any reasonable person can see his is quite capable of supporting himself, without assistance from taxpayers.

You are doing him a disservice, by not having any expectations of him to grow up, and earn his own independence. If he wants to drink and do drugs, let him earn the money by flipping burgers in order to do so. If he wants a place where he can entertain his friends, let him do that in his own place, not yours. You do realize that you are enabling all of this to happen because you support him, right?

Stop the money train right off the bat. No use of the car. No internet. Doors locked at 11 p.m. His friends are no longer allowed in YOUR home.

The next time you feel threatened by him, or your wife in particular feels threatened by him, call the police, and have him removed from your home. Cut off the supply train at the same time, and do not allow him back. Things have escalated, and it will only get worse, not better, until you take charge.

Nor will he ever grow up, if you don't.

If he were mine, would tell him (if it is safe to do so without him exploding- otherwise send him an email), that you are giving him 30 days notice to be out. He will have to make his own arrangements to that end, you won't supply first and last, down payments on utilities, or cover any associated costs. There will be NO negotiating what you have decided to do. As noted above, cut the car privilege, internet, and spending money. If he has a cell phone, cancel it.

Be prepared with a negative reaction because he probaby won't be too keen on having to grow up.

And again, in the process of getting him out, if you need assistance in order to do so, don't hesitate to call 911.