[Liquidnitro430]

My boyfriend is 17 years my senior (I'm 25). We're both divorced and neither of us has children. We've known each other since December and been best friends since January. We dated from February to April, until I broke up with him because he was rude, verbally amusive, lying to me about looking at internet porn behind my back and then saying I was always accusing him of things he wasn't doing, and had a lot of anger problems. We didn't talk again until June, when he begged me to give him another chance. He promised he'd changed and would never be such an *** again. At the time, he had been in counseling for a few months and had seemed to make some real progress on getting his act together (including admitting he had an internet porn addiction, and stopping it). He was sweet, adoring, caring, talked to me about everything... we laughed, were affectionate, we cuddled all the time and were very happy. Then in August, I made the decision to enlist in the Army (haven't yet, losing weight first - he is also a former soldier who fought in the Gulf War). Ever since then, he has been a lot less, if ever, affectionate. He stopped complimenting me, and has even at times gone back to being demeaning and slightly verbally abusive. Any time I talk to him about it, either angry or calm, his immediate reaction is to tell me things like "Oh and YOU'RE so perfect" instead of addressing the problem. I've even suggested couples counseling, and he gave no opinion.

I love him with all my heart, but this is getting to be way too much. Should I stay or should I go?

[CarrotTalker]

It sounds like you tried talking reasonably with him about the issue and have not gotten any type of insight from him.

Sounds like he's just back to his old habits again. Might be time to cut the cord. You gave him a good opportunity to try again and prove himself, now when you are facing a problem in the relationship, he's back to square one.

I would try calmly talking to him one more time and see what kind of result you get. Try phrasing it differently? He might not be understanding where you are coming from. See how he responds to that.

[Liquidnitro430]

Thank you for your response, CarrotTalker.

I'm going to keep trying. We talked a little today, and he's been doing everything he can to make me smile and laugh via text (he's at work) so far.

I also talked to a mutual friend of ours about the situation, and asked if he would talk to my boyfriend a little. They've been friends for a long time, and my boyfriend will listen to him. Perhaps he needs to hear it from an outside source? Hopefully it helps.

[CarrotTalker]

That's good, I hope he can also talk to you about why things happened previously so you can both learn and decide what changes can be made/worked on together.

[NathanielLaw]

Will you be able to bear with him IF committed to a serious relationship

[answerme_tender]

I think you need to proceed with your future plans. Go into the military. You said need to lose weight, then show your man by example. Get started, show him that once you make up your mind to do something constructive for yourself that follow through with it. He obviously has a porn addiction, and with any addiction he will have to work on not making that choice everyday! But remember he has to want to work on HIS addiction for himself. To better his own life no matter what. Your encouragement is helpful,but you got to keep on with your life! I hope everything works out for you, good luck

[talaniman]

I think this relationship is to young to even be putting all your eggs in his basket, because you are way to wrapped up in him, and expecting changes, and behaviors that are maybe to unrealistic after 8 months of off and on.

There seems to be more problems than fun getting to know each other and for sure the communications between you barely exist. The biggest red flag is having someone step in to express what you should be expressing to him, another indication of poor communications.

Putting off what you want in life for the sake of this doubtful relationship, is maybe not the wisest course of action at a time. You should be doing your thing, and making your own life choices.

I think this relationship is distracting you from being who you are, and finding what you are looking for.

Sorry, but getting on your own path for yourself, and your future is the priority, not trying to deal with the issues of a grumpy old guy who has done his thing already.

[emmacross515]

I just found this thread surfing this website. I know it's been 2 years since you posted this, but I found it interesting. I felt slightly concerned at how quickly the 2 of you began dating. You say you met him in December, and he became your best friend in a month, then began dating him 2 months later. I know we females can get blindsided by the thrill of the new, but then feel like we get punched in the gut with the true character of the ones we fell for. You don't need that crap honey. I hope you have moved on with your life. You are a strong woman, and you do not need a man that abuses you, or cheats on you, or pretends to put you on the front burner if he is really seeing someone else when you aren't around. Any man that can't be 100% to you, and only you, without a doubt is not worth your time or energy. Look at his past track record first, past relationships, or current friends (especially female) and you put yourself first. Good luck to you!