[flow87]

I'm new to this forum and need your help! Sorry this is going to be so long, but please bear with me!

My boyfriend (or ex now) broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I'm devastated.

We met last September, I really liked him when I met him but didn't really want a relationship at the time as I had been hurt a lot in previous relationships, he kept chasing after me and told me he wanted to be with me and told me he wouldn't hurt me. I ended up wanting to be with him also as he was amazing to me, treating me like a princess and we fell so deeply in love and everything was amazing. We both said we had never been happier, we believed that what we had was so special, he was always telling me how happy he was how special and rare I was. We were spending a lot of time together and even went on holiday together just after 4 months together... however when we got back from holiday his friends started to complain that he was spending too much time with me and he was hardly going out with them, so he listened to his friends and began to back off from me and started going out with his friends...

I never had a problem with that, as when we first started going out he was the one always chasing after me, always wanting to see me, and I always insisted that he not drop his friends for me and to keep going on nights out with his friends.. however once we fell in love we were spending all our time together and kind of forgot about the world around us, which usually happens in relationships around the honeymoon period.

Anyway, so I felt like he started being off with me, and not so in love as we were so I began to feel insecure and felt like I was losing him. Around this time I fell ill with glandular fever and had to leave uni and stay at home for a few weeks. He was still at uni and was going out all the time and I felt like we began to drift apart.. when I returned to uni we were arguing loads, and he said that we needed to take a break from each other, that the reason we were arguing so much was because we were spending too much time together and taking the other for granted... I was so upset, but he said it would only be for a few days in order to fix the relationship. The next day though he removed our relationship status from Facebook, I was devastated and began calling him asking why he did it if he said we are only taking a break and not actually breaking up. And he said he's been wanting to take it down for a while as he feels its private information (even though he's the one who put it up in the first place). And then he said well we are breaking up for a few days, and if we love each other and still miss each other we will get back together. Two days later he called me and said he made a mistake and asked for me back, I was so hurt by what he did but loved him so much I had to take him back.

Then it was the easter holidays and our home towns are far away from each other so we spent about 3 weeks apart, although we were happy again and things felt back to normal, we talked nearly every day online or on the phone. After 3 weeks we went back to uni for our exams. We were both stressed with exams and ended up arguing a lot,(when he was at home he was spending a lot of time with a girl, he said nothing happened and I believed him but I got jealous and felt like I had to keep questioning him so it led to arguments).
So he said while we have our exams we should take a break from each other, but I was so scared of losing him again I couldn't leave him alone. I couldn't concentrate on my revision, even though I knew it was more important, and it stressed him out even more and we ended up arguing so much, that when we finished our exams he broke up with me.
He said that he couldn't handle the arguments anymore, that he couldn't be in a relationship anymore, he still loved me and still thought I was amazing and special, but it was too much stress for him.
Of course I was absolutely devastated. It wasn't like the last break up that was for a few days, this felt like the real thing!

I did the normal girl thing of calling him everyday begging him to change his mind, to not give up on us, that the stress was from exams, that he can't give up on something so amazing. But I couldn't change his mind and we both had to leave uni to go to our home towns.
Once we were apart, we kept in contact talking nearly every day, just like how we used to when we were together and apart, he began to tell me he missed me and wanted to see me but couldn't.. I kept praying every day hed take me back... then one day, my prayers were answered and he said hed been thinking about us and how much he missed me and really wanted to give us another try and if we didn't work out then he'd know we shouldn't be together.
So after 2 months of being apart and not seeing each other, he invited me to his home town to spend 2 weeks with him. When we first saw each other it was amazing, and it was clear we were both so happy to see each other. But I expected us to talk about our relationship and our problems once I got there, I still didn't understand why he broke up with me the last time, why he told me he couldn't have a relationship and now asking for me back. But we never talked, he said it wasn't necessary, that we should just see how things go, so I kept quiet. We had fun and just jumped straight into a relationship, and how we used to be, but then arguments began to creep up again. I found myself having to protect myself because I was so scared of getting hurt again and so I was always arguing back and standing up for myself, which made him angry and arguments worse. On my last day I asked him if he felt like we worked out and he said we'll see I have to think.
I knew we had arguments but I felt like they happened because we hadn't resolved all our issues or talked about our relationship when I arrived. ( we had about 4 arguments in 16 days, about trivial things) I feel like we shouldn't have rushed so much into things and should have taken things more slowly. But he doesn't see that, he just thought we argued too much and that the reason we argued is because we are not right for each other, so he ended it on the phone a few days afer I left. Which is now 2 weeks ago. The first week I kept calling him trying to convince him that he's wrong, that we are right for each other that we were so amazing together at the beginning and we can go back to that if we just work at it, that the reason why we argued is because we didn't talk about everything, and when we got on things were so amazing.
But he kept saying I can't change his mind that he's made his decision. He says we gave it another try and it didn't work and that this is the end for us.
So now I've just left him alone, and hoping that if I leave him alone he'l start to miss me and remember the good times. I don't want to give up on him or us, I have never loved anyone like this before, and when we were happy we both said that we had never been happier. And in my eyes in those two weeks yes we argued, but when we were fine we got on so well, always having a laugh.. and our sexual chemistry is amazing, I feel we have a connection and I know he still loves me, I can't give up on him.

What do you think? How can I get him back and convince him we are right for each other and that he shouldn't let those arguments ruin what we have? Or should I just give up? I don't want to though!

[JoeCanada76]

I honestly do not think your right for each other.

Honestly it is best that you realize that this was not meant to be and that leaving him alone is best.

Calling everyday and begging for somebody to change there mind just shows desperation. It is not normal.

Learn from this experience, move on and eventually you will find somebody else that is more compatible with you.

Also would like to point out that it will not be good to search out somebody. Just enjoy life, do your own thing. Deal with your own stuff and enjoy being single and someday that right person will be right under your nose.

I would also say that he is keeping his options open and that he probably wants to be with other people.

Take care,

Joe

[Shadowburn]

Please read stickies on the top of this forum, about NC and break ups in general.

You gave him way too much power and control over your relationship, and it was a mistake on your part to beg and plead to convince him to change his mind. Getting back together without discussing reasons for previous break up and what both of your should do to improve your relationship is a recipe for disaster, as you found out already.

I'd let it go. You are not right for each other despite what you feel, or he wouldn't be breaking up with you over and over again. Get yourself respect back and leave him alone fro good because he treats you like a doormat - comes back to you when he has nothing better going on, is messing with your head and your heart.

Go NC to heal. This will let you to see a big picture of this relationship - he gave up on it long time ago and all attempts to get back led you nowhere. Spare yourself any more pain and cut him off.

Good luck and keep posting.

[eightzeros]

Someone once told me a very wise thing, I would like to share it with you... I loved a guy dearly once, I gave him myself 100% & everything was amazing with him but he only gave me less than 10% of himself & his feelings. When that guy played havoc with my feelings & shattered my heart into million pieces, I still went after him because I thought he was THE ONE. At that time someone I knew told me that, "The only difference between being a child & an adult is that a child might find fire attractive but only adult would know that it would burn your skin off"... meaning, that the guy I thought was my other half was actually too dangerous for my sanity.

Perhaps this guy is amazing & you do feel that your feelings for him are enormous & beautiful BUT he is not giving you a healthy relationship. I am sorry to say this but it looks as if he thinks that you are some kind of switchboard that he would simply ON & OFF every emotion in you.

Imagine yourself going through the same drill for next 2 to 5 years... you might end up on anti-depressants & out of will power. You already had relationships that have hurt you, don't let him add one more to it. You only knew this guy for less than a year or two but you have known yourself for years & years. Deep down inside of you, you know that what he is doing hurts a lot & needs to get stopped. You also know that he should behave good & talk straight. I would suggest don't just go NC to get him back, he might be a great lover but can't be greater than YOU & your peace of mind.

I know it hurts but each time it hurts, tell yourself that you have come this far, you are able to breath without him & go even farther for a better future.

Make a list of something you always wished doing but this relationship & its set backs have never let you do it, you will find courage when you will see that you have a life of your own. When I got hurt in my life for the first time & it was really bad I was about to turn 16. I did everything but my life seemed in a black hole. So, I took all my courage and passed an exam for scholarship & went to Japan. It took me 2 years to prepare & pass the exam but when I was 18, I was already studying in Japan. It boosted my confidence level from nil to 100. I would suggest that it is worthy to spend your energy & efforts in something that invests something in you & only you because only that would pay off in the long run.

Wishing you a beautiful & meaningful life!

[flow87]

Thank you for the replies... I just wish he could see what he is doing to me, I don't know how to make him see that. Maybe now I keep NC and in time maybe I will get in contact with him if he doesn't with me first and explain to him all the hurt he has put me through. Although he probably still won't listen!

"Getting back together without discussing reasons for previous break up and what both of your should do to improve your relationship is a recipe for disaster"

How can I make him see that?

[JoeCanada76]

You do not make him see anything. It is over.

It is done, please re read all the answers that you have received and also check out the stickies.

It is time to walk away completely.

[Shadowburn]

Thank you for the replies... I just wish he could see what he is doing to me, I dont know how to make him see that. Maybe now I keep NC and in time maybe I will get in contact with him if he doesnt with me first and explain to him all the hurt he has put me through. Although he probably still won't listen!!

"Getting back together without discussing reasons for previous break up and what both of your should do to improve your relationship is a recipe for disaster"

How can I make him see that?

Pick yourself up, girl. Wake up and get your dignity back. He dumped you. Stop humiliating yourself by chasing someone who gave up already. No amount of crying and begging will change it, and the sooner you'll realize it, the better. Leave him alone. He hurt you, and you should stay away from him forever.

[Homegirl 50]

You can't get him to see anything he does not want to see. He asks for a break when he has his eye on someone else and then picks you back up when that gets old.
You two are not for each other.
Don't disgrace yourself by begging. It is not attractive. Go NC and get your life and self esteem back.

[eightzeros]

My experience says that we only see what we wish to see... for example, if I am in a good mood, even a bad day might appear 'challenging' or 'not that bad'. But if I am in a bad mood for some reason, a bright sunny day might appear to me as 'boring', 'dull', or 'too hot'. We see what we want to see.

So, this guy will only perceive your situation as he wishes too, he might tell you "you lack confidence", "you are insecure", "you are paranoid". He would not interpret your actions & your reaction as "in love". Therefore there is no point in making him see how you see things at the moment.

You can't make him feel how you want but you have power over yourself & feelings. Let's say I get lucky and date a superstar. Let's also say that the superstar is man of my dreams & the chemistry in between us is great. But let's also add that he treats me badly & hurts my feelings for a dozen times. Would you suggest me to continue seeing this guy? Of course not because he might be a superstar but his actions doesn't make him a superhuman.

Picture yourself as a 50 year old & then look back at your current situation, would you honestly advice your present self to date this guy?

Moving on doesn't mean that you have failed in love. It means to give yourself a chance to move to greater love. You have been in love & you know that you are capable to find it again. At the moment your feelings for him are huge & it might look difficult to leave him or let him do his thing but take it as an experience, tell yourself he was a TOAD & go ahead polish your abilities, invest in yourself & progress. I believe the more we grow, the more our chances to meet someone good increases. Also, take this guy as a situation & then you would realize how badly you want to get out of this stagnant situation.

Even if you decide to stay with this guy, you will eventually get bored of the same rough & tough drill. After all how many times would you cry a river? The more time you devote to this guy, the more chances you loose to find a decent guy. Spend the same amount of time in grooming yourself or learning something new. Look at yourself in the mirror & just see how much of you have you given to him, you would realize that you have neglected yourself for months.

[flow87]

I posted on here yesterday saying I was heartbroken and wanted my boyfriend back... it turns out he told a friend he broke up with me because he was really bored.
What does this mean? Am I a boring person? He used to tell me that he was with me for so long because with every other girl he'd get so bored but not with me I was differnet, but it appears he just lied to me and I'm just like the rest of them.
I now feel absolutely terrible, I devoted so much time to this guy, I gave him my heart... and now I find out he was bored and he lied to me... Does this mean I am boring? My confidence has been shattered, I feel like ****

Also... after we broke up I was begging him and trying to convince him to take me back as I was extremely upset and emotional, now I am so embarrassed and ashamed... What can I do or say to try and take back all that begging and pleading, is there anything else I can do except ignore him forever to get some sel-respect back or some dignity. Is there anything I could say?

[Kitkat22]

Leave him alone. I would guess you are not boring. He wanted an excuse. Don't beat yourself up for crying and begging him, it'''s
Taught you a lesson and it's good when we learn from bad experiences.

He couldn't think of any other reason to break up, so he made up the old "she's so boring". Don't
Give him any more of your time.
You deserve better.

[silverlining]

Stop talking to this loser! How dare he say that.. You need to love yourself more than you love him and that means doing what's good for you..

So the only way to get your confidence back is to completely ignore him.. Don't feel bad about being emotional after the break up it happens to most people. But now you need to learn from it and move on.

[eightzeros]

Flow87 I am sorry that he lied to you. Unfortunately there is nothing that you can say to take all the pleading back & it won't help you gain any self respect. Self respect comes from self-knowledge & if you want to get respected from others then you have to do it first. Know yourself more and you will see that you are not boring.

Since this guy said that all the other girls were boring, I would conclude that this guy is himself a boring & dull fellow. I am sure that he has no interest in how to talk to someone & finds difficulty in keeping the conversation. More than that I would say that he never tries to know any girl to the point that he would find them interesting. With his attitude half of the world would be a dark gloomy place because to his standards no one could match.

My friend once dated a guy who kept telling her that unlike other girls, knowing my friend was so interesting that his love grew on daily basis. My poor friend almost turned into a circus clown to please this guy. She would find ways to remain interesting & would organize gatherings to know how to surprise him, how to keep him wanting her more. At the end she even forgot what color she really liked or what type of perfume she went crazy for. She turned into a full time clown. The guy broke up with her telling that he got bored with her hyper attitude. Good for my friend she got a break being the crazy girl at the campus.

Don't let yourself subsidized because someone you cared has said something terrible. Now after he has done all & said what he said, take time alone & ask yourself, "Do I want this guy back?"

[flow87]

Thanks for the good advice! No I don't want him back at all! However I feel like he's walking away from this with so much power and with such a big head.
I regret doing all that begging, now that I know he ended it because he was 'bored', I feel I can move on from him so easily. In fact I am just angry with him and hate him for leading me on and lying to me and betraying me. I don't want him to walk away from this thinking I am pathetic and still upset over him, how can I let him know this?

[Kitkat22]

Thanks for the good advice! No I don't want him back at all!! However I feel like he's walking away from this with so much power and with such a big head.
I regret doing all that begging, now that i know he ended it because he was 'bored', i feel i can move on from him so easily. In fact i am just angry with him and hate him for leading me on and lieing to me and betraying me. I don't want him to walk away from this thinking i am pathetic and still upset over him, how can i let him know this?

By walking straight and proud and looking him straight in the eye when you see him. The best revenge is no revenge. He'll think he still has power over you if you confront him. Good Luck:)

[flow87]

The thing is I won't see him as he's at uni now in a completely different city! I just don't want him to think I am pathetic and still upset because of him, do you know what I mean? He must feel so good about himself that I was so upset and begging him. How can I make him see I am not upset anymore and don't want him anymore?

[Wondergirl]

I don't want him to walk away from this thinking I am pathetic and still upset over him, how can I let him know this?

Kit is right -- the best revenge is no revenge. Be a winner and happy and full of life. That he can no longer control you is your revenge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flow87
The thing is I won't see him as he's at uni now in a completely different city! I just don't want him to think I am pathetic and still upset because of him, do you know what I mean? He must feel so good about himself that I was so upset and begging him. How can I make him see I am not upset anymore and don't want him anymore?

Not contacting him is one way. Don't worry -- the word will get back to him that you are happy and okay and not missing him at all. That's your "public face." Just be careful not to fall into another relationship before you have mentally and emotionally worked through this one.

[eightzeros]

It is very normal to be angry & upset after realizing how shallow he turned out to be. Trust me I have been in the similar situation. I know you feel like making him sit in a chair & tell him how hurt you are & how mean he has been but really it won't be worthy. People who hurt seldom care or realize that they have hurt others.

The best way to make him feel ashamed is to bring yourself to that point where it even gets harder to recall his name. You would go like, "Who? Yeah I date this childish guy once, what was his name...Paul? No no Mike? Stephen? Oh, I dont even remember his name". To reach that point you don't require him to know how you feel. Ignore him 200%, ignoring hurts a lot so in a way he would know that how fast you got over him. And improve your present situation by not jumping to another guy because that would be a new chapter to learn, instead do something that you are required to do & ENJOY your time to the maximum.

World is a funny place, you get exactly what you have given. He would get the same in a while because everything here is balanced. So leave God/Nature to deal with him. He is not your worry anymore because you have a better person to look after... and it's YOU!

You are never boring for yourself, you are never hurting yourself & you remain the best partner for yourself for ever. Guys come along but it is YOU who stays when you really need help & courage.

[jmjoseph]

He's like a little boy on Christmas morning who bores will all of his toys in the first hour, asking "What else did I get?" "Is that ALL?" "Mama!!!" "WAAAA WAAA"

The best way to get back at him is to be happy and successful at everything you do. If you simply MUST explain the "begging" part, then say that you didn't realize how much of a di#$ he was, and you now see that he wasn't worth it.

The "no contact" obviously works, stick with it. Ignore him completely. Let him hear about you through the grapevine. And how well you are doing. Treat him like the plague.

We all make mistakes in love. Some more than once. Learn from the experience, and be stronger for the trouble.

I wish you the best.

[Homegirl 50]

Thanks for the good advice! No I don't want him back at all!! However I feel like he's walking away from this with so much power and with such a big head.
I regret doing all that begging, now that i know he ended it because he was 'bored', i feel i can move on from him so easily. In fact i am just angry with him and hate him for leading me on and lieing to me and betraying me. I don't want him to walk away from this thinking i am pathetic and still upset over him, how can i let him know this?

The best revenge is to live well without him. Go on with your life as if he had no impact.
He may never see it but you will know you are doing fine.
Don't concentrate on "showing him" concentrate on getting your life back on track.