[pandead]

Please feel free to merge if needed, I just thought people shouldn't read the entire story over and over again. Thank you.

I've been in a very difficult relationship for years and got out of it a few months ago. Went NC, everything going fine, I'm still moving on, slow and steady. Finally got my life together recently. I know I'm on the right way, even though I'm not there yet. From the dumpee sitting in her bed in pjs at her parents' house, eating constantly and crying all day with an empty bank account, no job, no boyfriend, I reached the point where I am today... A little determination made miracles at the gym, I got my driver's licence, a job that I like (and I keep looking for a better one) and even someone I feel close to, who is patiently waiting for me to heal and "we'll see where it goes" (his words.)

I had a few rough days where I missed my ex (even after all he's done) wondered what he was doing, but I was fine with my NC, it didn't even feel so hard to do this time. Of course he was blocked, deleted on all my social networks, instant messengers and I was getting used to it.

Here's my problem : he keeps making new accounts every now and then and adding me, I don't want to seem rude and honestly I have no problem adding him or talking to him right now (I mean, what is he going to do? I have a much better lifestyle and I feel better) so I accept and politely answer his questions. But he keeps bringing up the good times we had and basically asks me if I'll ever go back to him every time we talk, even make plans about how and when we should see each other again. I told him I feel uncomfortable and that we broke up for a reason but it's affecting my life.
He sounds sincere but eventually gets to me and makes me cry sometimes, or wonder if I made a mistake -even though I know I don't want to be with him- I'm scared he will get aggressive or do something stupid if I'm too blunt about it but then it makes me feel like I'm the one giving him hope. I'm scared if I ever date someone else he will bother me. Yet if I delete him again I'm sure he will find me in a few days/weeks or talk again to our common friends and tell them how much he misses me etc.

Thank you for your help.

[talaniman]

Sorry but this problem will continue to happen unless you stick to strict NO CONTACT, because you already are seeing what contact with him is doing to you. Come on Pan, get back on the NC path and stay on it, no matter what he tries to do. You really have to be unavailable to him, rude or not, because you sure aren't sticking to your guns by talking to him, are you?

[Homegirl 50]

You are the one in control. Stop handing it over to him. Stay NC.

[pandead]

Okay, going back to the old plan but I still don't want to be rude... I even tried the famous "LOSER" techniques, i.e. told him I'm emotionally numb, that I don't feel anything (it didn't work) I tried the "I think I'll be dating someone soon" thing (which was a worse idea) I even tried to tell him the truth, that it hurts and I don't want to hurt anymore... Nothing worked. Am I going to block him forever if he decides he won't give up, while he adds me on new accounts every week? I'm tired of trying to explain (and I'm sure you guys are tired of listening to me) but I don't have any solution...

[talaniman]

Your worried about being rude to someone that doesn't take hints? Be rude so you can heal. Block, delete, ignore! That's not being rude, that's self preservation.

[Kitkat22]

Tell him to leave you alone and be emphatic. You can get on with your life or he can keep making you miserable.

[Cat1864]

Am I going to block him forever if he decides he won't give up, while he adds me on new accounts every week? I'm tired of trying to explain (and I'm sure you guys are tired of listening to me) but I don't have any solution...

This is going to get a bit harsh:

How does he keep adding you without you accepting a request? Why do you keep accepting requests from accounts you don't know?

Check your privacy settings and make certain they are set to allow only Friends to contact you. It doesn't matter who he gets information from as long as you stop giving him any more.

Take some responsibility for leading him on and feeding him false hope. Every time you allow contact, you are leading him on. You are telling him that you are still available to him through your actions. You say don't contact me, but you accept and return his advances.

You say that you have tried to tell him to stop. You have used words that have no meaning because your actions don't match. I think you need to take a harder look at 'not wanting to be rude'. I think you might find that you are keeping this going for other reasons than appearing 'rude'.

[Shadowburn]

How is it NC if you're still talking to him? I'd understand some neutral topics, but discussing old issues of your relationship, reason for break ups, feelings and would you go back to him - that's totally off limits.

It's not about being rude. It's about owning it up and showing some self respect. This guy broke up with you multiple times, now he is asking would you consider going back? And that's not rude of him?

Wake up, pandead. I remember your thread from the last year. You lost your little perfect life in Paris because of him, moved back in with your parents, he left you totally devastated with no job or money - and now you're afraid to be rude to him, come on. Out of all people out there, he deserves it.

[Kitkat22]

Tell him in no uncertain terms to "LEAVE YOU AlONE". If you want this guy out of your life for good you cannot sugarcoat and ask why or what if.

He treated you like scum and if you want more of the same , keep letting him call the shots and jerking you around.

He's a jerk and if you don't end this you're asking for everything he dishes out.

[Homegirl 50]

Ignoring someone who has treated you like crap and continues to poop on you is not being rude.
It is called, not being a fool, not allowing you to walk on me again.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

As Cat1864 said "How does he keep adding you without you accepting a request? Why do you keep accepting requests from accounts you don't know?

Check your privacy settings and make certain they are set to allow only Friends to contact you. It doesn't matter who he gets information from as long as you stop giving him any more.

You have the power. Stop giving it back to him.

[Kitkat22]

You are the one who has to put a stop to this. If you don't, you'll be right back at square one!

He doesn't want you! He just wants you around to play with cause he knows he can.

[kaka67]

If you didn't want him in your life he wouldn't be.

You are letting him do this.

Either go NC or don't. You are the one who is playing games now.

[pandead]

Hello all and thank you for your advices. It wasn't harsh at all, it actually made me think why I was really talking to him.

- I realized the first reason is guilt. I feel terribly guilty for saying no to his marriage proposal, for not being able to forgive him one more time, even though I know it's wrong, he plays me with this all the time because he knows I hate breaking people's hearts.

- Second reason is fear. I know him and I know how he does terrible things when he's mad and unfortunately he knows things about me, my family, even our friends that he shouldn't know. I'm scared he will "use" this information if I make him mad.

- Third reason is another kind of fear. I will be 30 next year and my to-do list is full of dreams I couldn't realize yet. I think it's the reason why he keeps talking about "our" house and the family we'd have. He keeps making me think that it would work and that we'd forget everything to live happily ever after (umm, okay.)

- Then a kind of revenge. Revenge is a strong word and I know it's stupid, but I'm sure you understand. I want him to see what I became. He treated me like crap and made me feel stupid, useless. He made me feel so ugly. I want him to see who I really am and realize what he lost - that's the tricky part because I let him sweet talk to me and at some point I feel terrible about it.

The last one is probably habit, because I loved him so much for so long that I still miss him sometimes. I want his attention even though I can't give him what he wants. It's selfish. Oh well.

I was thinking I could write him an email today and tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore, but I guess I will just block him again and keep my mouth shut.


EDIT : I just wrote it anyway. Kept it simple, told him that I will never forgive him for the past year and that he should move on. I changed my settings also so only people on my list can contact me :)

[Cat1864]

Third reason is another kind of fear. I will be 30 next year and my to-do list is full of dreams I couldn't realize yet. I think it's the reason why he keeps talking about "our" house and the family we'd have. He keeps making me think that it would work and that we'd forget everything to live happily ever after (umm, okay.)

Here's an item to add to the list (it sounds like you are already working on it): Get the ex totally out of your life.

You have said that you have someone waiting for you to fully get over your ex. Have fun getting to know him and others.

Maybe you need to tweak the 'list' a little bit to reflect where you are now in your life and maybe see if some of those dreams need a few changes made to them.

Revenge is knowing that you are doing better and are happier whether he knows it or not.

Habits are hard to break. That's why NC is the cold turkey way of getting over a relationship. It is to help you get out of the rut you have been caught in.

As for the fear of what he knows and what he might do, there's not much you can do now other than limit any damage he can do.

IF the email helped you close and lock the door, good. IF he responds to it, ignore him and block whatever address he uses. DO NOT respond to it. Go out and have fun instead. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Good luck.

[pandead]

Hey all,

Just a little update :)

I responded to that email and it lead to a painful conversation that night. I cried a lot, he cried too. He seemed to have accepted the breakup and I felt okay... until the next day. I got an email from him saying "please come back, I lied" with a subtle threat about what he can do if I don't come back. I think it's when he really disgusted me...

So it's been 1 month and 2 days of NC now, which is my record (every time I went NC before, he found me and I ended up trying to be "friends" so it's my real first "NO contact") and - I'm knocking on wood here - my life is GREAT!

I took your advice and deleted my email accounts (so everyone -including him- who sent me emails got messages saying my account doesn't exist. I recently deleted my facebook account as well and it felt awesome! (I put the link for those who could use it)

I keep getting scared sometimes thinking he must be up to something and he would one day show up at my doorstep, but now I know I'm strong enough to nicely tell him whatever I need to if it happens. I didn't want to jump into another relationship just yet but I feel I'm slowly getting ready.

Thank you all for your help and I hope I won't post on this thread anymore (at least for a while! :D)

[Cat1864]

Thank you all for your help and I hope I won't post on this thread anymore (at least for a while! :D

No offense, but I hope you won't feel the need to post on this thread (at least not for advice) for awhile, too. :)

I am glad you are finally using NC and moving forward. Best of luck for a bright future.

[Shadowburn]

I am so happy for you. I love updates like that - people come here totally heartbroken and devastated, and slowly they are getting a grip and starting moving on - some are quicker, some are slower, but they do it.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting.

[pandead]

Hi everyone.

You don't have to read my whole story. My name is pandead. I would pick panda, but when I first came here, I thought I was dead. My life was meaningless without "the One", the person who cheated on me and lied to me, the person I forgave and took back countless times. I was miserable, confused, staring at my "things to do before 30" list... "Getting married, having kids" and the rest of my dreams shattered with the breakup.

With the help I got here, I decided to change. I crossed off those and replaced them with "seeing the ocean" and "visiting a city where I've never been before." I got a haircut, too - because we all have to start somewhere.

I started sending applications for jobs the next week, 41 total. Got 11 interviews, 1 job at the end. I lost 20 pounds, gained 6, changed my hair color. I called my friends. Spent a weekend at my grandma's looking at her old pictures and baking cakes. Got a manucure for the first time and loved it. I spoiled myself. I had bad times too, crying for entire nights, watching Sleepless in Seattle, going on boring dates with boring people but I knew I had to change all this.

8 months after the breakup, I was going on my 3rd month of NC and I decided I was finally ready for a dinner with the man who became my best friend. I called him and asked if he wanted to meet on Christmas day. He said he would be overseas with his family and asked if I wanted to join them. I took a plane and met him there, in one of the most wonderful cities I've ever seen.

My ex has been trying to contact me for months and when I was ready, I talked to him. We talked about our lives, I figured he just needed an ending to all this, too. He sounded mature, it was peaceful. Like a goodbye.

If you're reading this and going through a painful breakup, wondering if the pain ever ends; 10 months after my first post here, I can tell, it does. Time heals all wounds, it does get better with a little effort. It's an amazing journey to discover who you really are and how you can handle things you never thought you could. It's not too late to cross things off your list and make new decisions for the new year...


My name is pandead but I'm very much alive.
My best friend (who is now my boyfriend) took me to the ocean the day after Christmas.
I will be 30 in a few months.

Thank you all.

[Homegirl 50]

I am very happy for you.

[mystific]

Inspiring. Good for you and good luck for the future!