[vanheart]

That's why you have to have your plan in order.

Before you have second thoughts or allow him to reel you back in.

Hes good at that & you are good at doing what he says.

Yes, don't worry about hurting him. He's hurting you.

If your only fear is his control or persuasiveness, then put that aside. Don't listen to his BS.

Focus on your plan.

To leave.

The quicker, the better.
Cut the cord & make sure you have a safe escape route.

If you need help, get it.

[eveamee09]

You seem to have the upper hand in all of this and you don't depend on him half as much as you think - YOU pay the bills, YOU organise everything, you have your own car/phone/money... it's just the emotional dependency which will be the hardest to overcome as he's managed to make you feel like you could hardly cope without him.

But, you know that's not right don't you? You say that you want to muster up the confidence and stop being in denial - well the fact that you have written here and explained yourself so well and how you feel is the opposite of denial - you've faced the situation, realised that it's not a good one to be in and stated that you'd like to leave.

I was in a bit of a different situation to you in that I didn't live with my ex but he too had made me feel emotionally dependent on him (and was also from a different culture and enjoyed controlling me/telling me to make him food/complaining when things were wrong) so I can understand how you feel. It took 2 months to leave him and now (2 months on) I know I've made the right choice and have cut him out of my life completely in order to fully heal and move on. I still love him a lot and get strong urges to go back to him but ultimately I know what a life with him would be like, and it isn't pretty.

You've had a taste of what life is like with this guy, and it sounds completely miserable and unfulfilling.

Good luck with your decision, you're being brave and in 6 months time will hopefully not regret it. Keep reminding yourself that you're strong, secure and are fully independent as you can rely on yourself financially AND emotionally - you don't "need" anybody to make you happy.

Best of luck, let us know how you get on x

[Sillygal]

I saw your post and I thought you are already gathering the confidence you need. You already know this situation is not right for you.

What do you want from him? Respect - and for him to treat you well.

I agree with what the others have said.

You need to formulate a plan, what you want, where you will go, what you will do.

I think you already know what you want, its just about bringing your plan into action.

Good luck, and know that your respect and happiness is worth everything.

[Immortelle]

Update:
Night before last, I initiated a conversation regarding our relationship's end. I carefully exlained that we were simply not able to make each other happy, that happiness is what I wanted for myself and for him, and we shouldn't waste anymore of each other's time. That evening he was upset, and attempted to say mean things about me ("your a liar" "you've ruined my life" "who are you sleeping with?" ect). I knew these were tactics to provoke a response, and I did really well to ignore them and keep with foundmental problem at hand. I was calm. I was supportive.

Needless to say, this wasn't very wise. I woke up the next morning to him trying to have sex with me. It was a slightly frightening stuggle to make him understand 'no'-- but eventually he stopped being forceful. I should have left for good then. I didn't. While he was in the bathroom I changed, got my phone and keys. I went to the store to give him time and returned home. He was packing... and drinking. I told him, I should probably stay somewhere else... he said "I'm not letting you leave. I'm going to make you suffer." He had blocked the door--and honestly, I was afraid to try and leave. I stayed and kept calm: helping him pack and gather his things... remaining calm on the outside.

The hateful words began to fall out of his mouth at an alarming rate- he was drinking heavily. At one point he started throwing things, yelling, and kicking stuff in my direction : I bolted. Keys in pocket, phone in hand (no money or purse) I ran faster than I ever have to my car. He followed... I screeched away in panic. Then I called the police. I instinctively didn't want to press charges, but I did ask for advice. They told me not to go back. Ha. He called and apologized... said he just got upset... and I, I don't know why, went back. Even driving there I was thinking of my life, my family. I got back, and my living room was destroyed.

He was past drunk by then. I called my dad, just to have someone on the phone, I couldn't tell him what was going on, but my father picked up on the situation quickly. My ex had dialed 911 and hung up to mock me... when the dispatcher called back, he said nothing was wrong. But the dispatcher put his name and my call earlier together. The police arrived just as my ex was threatening to throw me over the balcony while flicking ashes on me and blowing smoke in my face.

Long story short, he gets out of jail in two hours. I'm at a hotel... I do not wish this on anyone and I'm so thankful the police arrived when they did. All of your words and advice keep repeating in my head: be strong, be calm. I think the worst is over.

[Kitkat22]

Update:
Night before last, I initiated a conversation regarding our relationship's end. I carefully exlained that we were simply not able to make each other happy, that happiness is what I wanted for myself and for him, and we shouldn't waste anymore of each other's time. That evening he was upset, and attempted to say mean things about me ("your a liar" "you've ruined my life" "who are you sleeping with?" ect). I knew these were tactics to provoke a response, and I did really well to ignore them and keep with foundmental problem at hand. I was calm. I was supportive.

Needless to say, this wasn't very wise. I woke up the next morning to him trying to have sex with me. It was a slightly frightening stuggle to make him understand 'no'-- but eventually he stopped being forceful. I should have left for good then. I didn't. While he was in the bathroom I changed, got my phone and keys. I went to the store to give him time and returned home. He was packing... and drinking. I told him, I should probably stay somewhere else... he said "I'm not letting you leave. I'm going to make you suffer." He had blocked the door--and honestly, I was afraid to try and leave. I stayed and kept calm: helping him pack and gather his things... remaining calm on the outside.

The hateful words began to fall out of his mouth at an alarming rate- he was drinking heavily. At one point he started throwing things, yelling, and kicking stuff in my direction : I bolted. Keys in pocket, phone in hand (no money or purse) I ran faster than I ever have to my car. He followed... I screeched away in panic. Then I called the police. I instinctively didn't want to press charges, but I did ask for advice. They told me not to go back. ha. He called and apologized... said he just got upset... and I, I don't know why, went back. Even driving there I was thinking of my life, my family. I got back, and my living room was destroyed.

He was past drunk by then. I called my dad, just to have someone on the phone, I couldn't tell him what was going on, but my father picked up on the situation quickly. My ex had dialed 911 and hung up to mock me... when the dispatcher called back, he said nothing was wrong. But the dispatcher put his name and my call earlier together. The police arrived just as my ex was threatening to throw me over the balcony while flicking ashes on me and blowing smoke in my face.

Long story short, he gets out of jail in two hours. I'm at a hotel... I do not wish this on anyone and I'm so thankful the police arrived when they did. All of your words and advice keep repeating in my head: be strong, be calm. I think the worst is over.

Get an order of protection against him. NOW... I'm glad you're safe. Keep us posted.

[asking]

I am so glad you are okay physically. Emotionally, this sounds like a terrifying and traumatic experience.

Okay. So he is capable of rape and violence. We know that now. Get a restraining order. Watch your back. Try not to be alone for now. He will probably look for you at your job and could track you back to the hotel.

Consult an attorney or a woman's center or both. There are people who can help you through this.

If your father is a good ally, ask him to come help you now and sort this out. If you can take a leave from your job and leave town, that may be best.

Have the police given you any advice?

[asking]

After rereading your post, I'm concerned that you still may not take him entirely seriously. I want to emphasize that he did not do all this stuff BECAUSE he happened to be drunk. He did it because he wanted to terrify you and make you suffer. His drinking was part of his process but not the cause of it. He is dangerous. He may still try to throw you off the balcony or use some other means to hurt or kill you. These are not empty threats. Please do not allow yourself to be beguiled into returning or being alone with him. Do not even meet him in public. Do not allow him to know where you are.

I am surprised he has gotten out of jail so quickly.

[Just Looking]

I agree with Asking. He is abusive, but also knows how to be charming. Stay away from him. You've said what you wanted to say to him. The most obvious two outcomes I see from further conversation is that he tricks you into trying again or he gets violent.

You know you aren't happy with him, and hopefully at this point you've lost all trust in him. You need to get away from him and start a new life.

It sounds like you just recently moved there. You have no friends there. If I were you, I'd be seriously thinking about moving someplace where you can feel safe. Can you think about choosing a new location where you have friends or family possibly?

[Bellaney.x]

I may only be saying the same things as everyone else, but asking where you get the confidence to prevent your denial and leave? As cheesy as it may sound, it has to come from you. You have made the first step; you've recognized that something is wrong, and that you need to get out, and that's great, because sometimes people don't even realize that. You just need to believe in yourself, like you said, you've got a car, you've got a phone. Get in contact with a close old friend, a loved family member, get their support, even just hear their voice, it will help. And hopefully then you'll have the confidence in yourself to get out. It sound like you do already, you just need to realize that. :) Good luck.

[Kitkat22]

Abusers do not change! First it's
Emotional abuse.

The next is physical abuse and if you stay you'll start to think it's you and you deserve the beatings.

He will brainwash you to the point of telling you who can talk to and who you can't.

The making up is great until you finally realize it's part of the game.

Isolation and keeping you to yourself and just for him

He will tell you how "lucky" you are
That he loves you and nobody else will want you.

Then comes the crying and apologizing. You are so brainwashed you believe it.

Get out and stay out. He WILL NOT change.

[vanheart]

Im glad you are OK.

Sorry to hear all of this.

Not sure what your situation is there. If you have a job. But your safety comes first. As you already know. Leases, stuff, whatever don't matter.

Don't EVER have ANY contact with him.

You say you moved 3000 miles? If that's where a better support group is then, jet back.

Hope you let everyone know what's going on. Authorities included.

You need to be in a safe environment without having to look over your shoulder.

His giant, violent and sadistic ego just got bruised big time. If he promises to punish you, he will.

Safety first.

[Immortelle]

I'm trying today to organize everything. My work knows. Tragically funny side story, my car's transmission broke yesterday in the middle of traffic AND United airlines wouldn't allow my friend to board the plane I booked for her to come out here because she didn't have my credit card.

Now I'm trying to decide whether to leave or stay. This whole ordeal is so shocking. The one good person I have here is very supportive: and suggests staying--just changing address. Otherwise I have to ship my apt's contents across the country and restart all over again. I just have to compare both options, because this much information is really overwhelming. I haven't utilized any hotlines yet: seriously considering though.

Apparently he wasn't released: he should stay in custody until aug 31st... unleass someone pays the bail of 5000. His friends have been contacting me, just to set up a transfer of his goods... some are just worried about him and keep saying there was a misunderstanding. It's frustrating because they weren't there, and I don't want to argue with them. The state here is great about contacting me when things change.

Strangly, I fear that if and when he gets out, I'm the one he will blame- he could find me here or at my original home. I don't know if this is rational fear. Trying to make clear decisions when you're douting how clear you head can be at the moment is difficult.

I know he won't change. I know I made the right choice. I haven't fully absorbed everything else. There are millions of doubts floating through my day. For any other person reading this for their own help, just stay the course. It feels like autopilot.

[asking]

Dear Immortelle,
I have been worrying about you and glad to see you are back and still fine. Your fears are not irrational. Please reread your original post and also your story of what happened when you tried to break up with him. You have given him the benefit of the doubt over and over and he has failed each time. He is violent and entitled.

He absolutely will blame you when he gets out. He will have been sitting in jail stewing about you.

I strongly recommend that you not merely move to another address, but put some serious distance between you and him. AND keep your destination a secret from all but a trusted friend or two. Do not share your plans with his friends, no matter how much you like them. Outsiders do not understand. This is not a misunderstanding. They think because they have never seen him behave this way that he isn't capable of it. They are well meaning but wrong! Most people do not take violence against women seriously. They always think nobody they know would do this.

There was an instance here a few months ago, where a woman was having similar problems. After she broke up with him, her boyfriend contacted a younger colleague at work and persuaded her that he wanted to try to get woman #1 to come back to him. It sounded romantic and woman #2 told him where to find her. He assaulted #1 and put her in the hospital. I forget where the thread is, but I bet others here can post the url.

The important point is that people love to be in the know and will pump you for information and share that with others. It's natural and human to gossip. But it will get back to your boyfriend and he will most likely use any information to find you.

I am so glad the police are keeping him until August 31. Please leave as soon as possible and erase your tracks as much as possible. You can get a restraining order but his violence is enough that he will probably ignore it. It may just make him angrier.

I hope you have spent a little time reading about domestic violence. Check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Especially look at safety planning:

Safety Planning National Domestic Violence Hotline

Finally, when you move (and I hope you do), make sure the police in your new town know about his arrest. Give them a copy of any restraining order of other documents.

Please start talking to experts in domestic violence (the hotline, a battered woman's center, an attorney) and please don't talk to his friends. It's for your own safety. As I said, they may mean well, but their faith in him can get you killed. You may think I am exaggerating the danger your are in but I'm betting others here will agree.

[Just Looking]

I think Asking is referring to me in the above, though it's been almost a year. I broke up with my ex for lying. He had never been violent previously. Eight weeks after the breakup, he beat me so violently that I was in the hospital for a week and off work for 2 months.

He will blame you. My ex blamed me even though he was the one who lied. I treated him respectfully throughout the break up, just as you did. You need to protect yourself. I still think moving is a good option. You should think about the support you could get from family and friends. You don't have to do this by yourself. I suppose the good news here is that you've been given an example of his violent tendencies. Another poster told me to be glad I found out when I did, as opposed to after getting married and having kids. You know you don't want anything to do with him, and now it's a matter of protecting yourself. I just thought I'd share some things I did, but as Asking said it was a co-worker who helped him that fooled me.

1. I lived in a gated community. If you do stay think about an apartment with security, but don't let that lull you into a false sense of security.
2. I had an escort to and from my car at work. It was one place he knew he could find me, and one day (prior to the order) he was waiting by my car.
3. Change your habits – for example, shop at different grocery stores, go to different restaurants, etc. You don't want to frequent places where he might look for you.
4. Be careful when you are driving. Watch your mirrors, keep your eyes open. If you see him following you, call 911, or head for the nearest police station or fire station. Be aware.
5. Get a restraining order. I know I was hesitant to do this, so I had my attorney give him fair warning first. However, the order won't necessarily protect you, as Asking mentioned. (Really, think about moving.) Talk to an attorney about your issues, such as the lease.
6. If you haven't already done so, close any sites you have such as Facebook or MySpace. I even changed all my passwords for e-mail, Photobucket, etc.
7. If he starts harassing you by phone or e-mail, either change the numbers and address or block him. Personally, I kept mine because I wanted to know what he was thinking. I never responded, though.
8. Tell everyone that you are single, and make sure those you trust know about his actions. Keep them informed of your whereabouts.
9. Listen to your gut and your head. If you feel in danger, you are in danger.
10. I now have an alarm system. It was suggested in another thread that a girl who is being stalked get some personal alarm systems – to carry on herself, and for her windows and doors.
11. Talk to the police before he is released. Ask if they will drive by your place and even call to be sure you are okay.


Some things to get back your peace of mind, and to start moving on for now:

1. If you have any second thoughts, read your thread over and over, especially about the night when you had the talk.
2. I spent a lot of time reading threads in here. It helped me to understand that others have been through this, gave me ideas of how to not only survive but also to actually become a better, smarter person, and it gave me many insights. It also helped me realize that I hadn't done anything wrong.
3. I read other websites and even a couple of books. Knowledge is power.
4. It will take time. You may even second guess yourself, but be patient. Stay away from him and allow yourself to heal. You will realize that you have strength and courage, and you will get through this and realize that you deserve better.
5. You are probably having a hard time eating and sleeping. You have to find a way to do both, as you need to keep yourself healthy. I tried to wear myself out with work and exercise. I'd still wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. That's when I would read. I found that if I made lists of things I wanted to do, books I wanted to read, and ideas I wanted to remember, I would actually alleviate my stress. To me, it was all about making forward progress.

I hope this helped some. It's crazy that anyone has to go through this, but there is hope. I'm happier now than I have ever been. I hope the same for you.

[asking]

Yes, Just Looking, it was you I was thinking of. So glad you posted at length. Sorry I forgot your handle. I'm a little under the weather.

I'm so glad you are doing better.

[Just Looking]

Yes, Just Looking, it was you I was thinking of. So glad you posted at length. Sorry I forgot your handle. I'm a little under the weather.

I'm so glad you are doing better.

It's okay. I took a long break from the site, and just came back about a month ago.

Hope you feel better soon. I've always admired your posts. I know how much you helped me last year.

[asking]

Thanks, JL! I am so glad to know I was some help. I learned a lot from you. I'm really glad you posted here today. Fingers crossed for Immortelle as well.

[vanheart]

I learned a lot too. JL rocks. Thanks.

[Just Looking]

Awww, thanks to all of you. I feel the same about you as well.

I forgot to add one really important thing. Get counseling. You are coming out of a relationship that hurt your self-esteem and you are scared. Unfortunately, that makes you susceptible to making another mistake. Counseling will do wonders. I went through an extensive 2 months worth, followed by appointments as needed. I am not only happier than ever, but I also feel stronger and more self-aware than ever.

[Kitkat22]

Awww, thanks to all of you. I feel the same about you as well.

I forgot to add one really important thing. Get counseling. You are coming out of a relationship that hurt your self-esteem and you are scared. Unfortunately, that makes you susceptible to making another mistake. Counseling will do wonders. I went thru an extensive 2 months worth, followed by appointments as needed. I am not only happier than ever, but I also feel stronger and more self-aware than ever.

Jlo.. You are a true inspiration to me. To anyone who has ever suffered at the hands of a brutal husband or boyfriend.. you are a shinng example to some women who may have lost hope and just happen to read this.
Immortal.you better keep yourself safe and keep posting.:)