[Sillygal]

So... deep breath, Im writing this, wondering if I have any hope at all left as I fear I have made the biggest mistake of my life and thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me... hence why I feel like such a sillygal

I had been seeing a guy (P) for about a year and we were madly in love. It was not the most conventional starts as we met when I was engaged to an abusive partner (A). Whilst P wasn't the reason I broke up with A (the anger and abuse was), P was certainly a reason which made me second guess what I was doing. It also didn't help that A and I were living in different countries and it took a while for me to make a final decision about my future. P and I eventually got together in January and things were great, however we both started to be affected by our pressures at work and were working really long days. This made me angry and irritable and unfortunately I started to take this out on him. In addition I felt quite guilty in relation to A who wasn't coping with our break up and maintained contact with him. P and I eventually had quite a difficult time through March because I was taking out my guilt and stress from work on him. Suddenly he said he wanted a break and needed "time and space". Unfortunately I didn't give it to him and was a complete mess. I did everything that I now know only drove him furhter away, constant phone calls, texts, messages, crying all the time, moping around etc. I just couldn't understand why he wanted a break and wasn't willing to stick by me and work it all out. In hindsight I can see he was trying to get some space to ensure I wasn't this arugmentative emotional person that I had become, but my behaviour after the break up made it out like I was. Since then we have been arguing constantly when we communicate - to make matters worse we work together - so having zero contact is not an option, although we don't have contact out of work. He has now started seeing someone else who he got togeher very quickly after we broke up. She too has just broken up from a long term relationship.
I now realise what a terrible mistake I made, and I wish someonebody had shaken me and told me not to contact him at any expense if I valued our relatioship and given him the time and space he asked for. But it didn't work out that way.
He tells me that he has really great memories of the past but is really tired and warn out and will have a tough time erasing the difficulties of the past months.
My question is, is it possible to ever turn a situation like this around? Can you ever make up for such foolish mistakes, even if he is seeing someone else?
I know that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but Im old enough (30) to have dated enough men to know when its special and when its not. I also know that he is really hurt by my reactions after our break up. Even after the break up he told me that he really thought I was the one, and never thought we would break up, but that the situation/cirumstances we were in at work didn't help. Im curious to know whether this is really a lost cause and I have really made the biggest mistake of my life.
thanks for any advice.
sillygal:confused:

[talaniman]

You ever think your stress, and irritability was from trying to please, and keep two guys in your life? I do. Leave them both completely alone, and get things straight in your own mind. Then you can gain clarity after the emotional dust settles, and you can handle the ordinary stress of life, and make better decisions, and choices, based on facts, and not just feelings.

No need to hurry and fix things, so don't rush yourself. You have done enough of that already.

[Sillygal]

Thanks for your answer, but Im not quite sure I understand. I don't agree that my stress and irritabilitity was doing that. It was a very unusual situation and circumstance as we both were in a high pressure period working 16 hours days. I think my stress was coming from my in ability to deal with my boss and my work, and no having the support I needed at work. My work situation affected me to the point I lost all confidence in myself and questioned everything about me, in a way that I had never done so before.

I am normally quite a confident person, but became very clingy, emotional and needy and this happened in a short period.

I am fully aware I need to focus on myself, which is what I have been doing. After breaking up with him, I fell into deeper depression and despair and felt completely abandoned.

I have got to the point where I am now much clearer in my own mind and regained my confidence. Im very hurt that he left so quickly, and feel very foolish that it was my reaction after we broke up that seemed to cement in his mind that he had done the right thing.

My questions about whether this is a lost cause come from the perspective of clarity, as I can see what I did and am really kicking myself that I allowed my work to affect me so much. If I had been my normal self, none of this would have happened, and therein lies my frustration.

[talaniman]

Let it go!

[Sillygal]

Wow... I didn't expect such a blunt, and almost rude answer. I was asking for people's opinions, advice, experience, as due to my own situation I don't have a family, and I don't have close friends here where I am who know both of us and the situation intimately.

He and I have just had lunch together, and talked about us and the mistakes, situation, circumstances.

I don't think its possible to get closure, or to let something go, when the feelings between two people are so strong. It will always be there, and a part of you.

If this is what this forum is about, being rude and unhelpful, then Im sorry I wasted my time. From the other posts I had read, it seemed to be the opposite. Perhaps I got it wrong.

[talaniman]

You did get it wrong. You made a mistake, it cost you, and you are frustrated and emotional. I get that. But you have to make peace with yourself. I read your post twice, and you had to see that through this whole thing you have NOT given yourself a proper healing, to be at peace with yourself. You went from an abusive relationship to another very soon, and even had a problem completely letting go of the abusive guy. You have not healed. The work problems were but added stress that magnified all you had been through.

[jmjoseph]

You cannot let outside forces, or stresses, interfere with your relationship. You draw strength from each other at times like those, you don't turn on your loved ones in order to relieve the pressures of life, while being nice and polite to the ones who don't really "matter".

But you know that now.

Is it too late? Maybe not, but are you willing to accept his moving on in case it is? You said that he asked for "time and space", yet you didn't "give it to him". You couldn't understand how someone didn't want to be with you while you complained, whined, and cried, and used them as an emotional punching bag. I'm surprised he didn't just leave, most guys would have without the "permission".

Go work on yourself, and let him do the same. If it's meant to be, then it will.

We all have mistakes in our lives that make us stronger for the trouble.

Life goes on. You'll be just fine soon. If not with him, you'll find love again. It just SEEMS like the end of the world for you now.

Good luck.

[elwoodb]

Sillygal, tal tends to speak very directly and the it can take a bit to get used to. I tend to avoid giving advice, only say what I have experienced. I know where you are coming from regarding work, for me it was one of the main reasons my ex broke off the relationship so I have an idea what you are going through. The problem is once the work stress causes stress at home they then feed off each other and snowball and before you know it something is going to break, relationship, personal life or at work. Severe personal stress can be linked to 70% of pilot related incidence/accidents in aviation. Severe stress can be terrible to deal with and unfortunately until removed from it's hard to see how much it effects you. The way I think of it is this way, if you standing at the base of a cliff with your nose touching it how can you tell how high it actually is? It's only when you take a few steps back and lookup that you realize how much of an obstacle it is.

I'm sorry that this has happened, I was there myself only 6 weeks ago, this is a great place for help and support. I still deal with a stressful job and there are various things you can do to deal with it, but you it's something that you have to workout for yourself. As for letting go, I freely admit that I'm still in love with my ex, feelings that strong don't go away over night but I have decided to let go.

You can't change the past, nor can you predict the future, all you can do is control your current actions (part of what I tell myself to let go).

I wish you all the best and I hope that's given you some insight into what I've experienced.

[talaniman]

For now you can only give him what he asked for, and give yourself a fair chance to deal with your own stress.

[jmjoseph]

"Sillygal", you picked that name for a reason. Huh?

Check out this post, and ones like it.https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ks-499288.html

Good luck to you.

[Sillygal]

Thanks for your further replies, your honesty and feedback is appreciated.

I was very emotional, depressed, crying all the time, failed to see any light, future or any positives at all. I had a rotten time through May and June. Its easier to see now in hindsight why he didn't want to be around me, and the further drama I was causing. He needed me to show him I wasn't like that, and unfortunately I couldn't. I was so swept up in my own devastation I couldn't see that he really did just need time and space.

The frustration I experienced was that at the time, the two weeks before we separated we had time apart as he was overseas on a work trip, and during this time, I had realised what I was doing and we had agreed to talk about it when he came home.

With us both working together for a very stressful organisation, and an unusually high pressure stress period, I needed to be an outlet and support, not an additional stress - and this is what I had realised when he was away.

The problem was during this time away (I now know this, but didn't at the time) he kissed the girl he is now with. He tells me that they both went out spoke about their respective relationship issues, and ended up kissing.

He felt so quilty as he had never done anything like that before, he saw it as a reason why we shouldn't be together and as he didn't want to hurt me, telling me that "I think we just have to touh it out and maybe some clear seperation will do us good".

He has since told me that he didn't want to do it at the time, but that he just needed time and space and to deal with what he had done. I clearly remember him telling me when we broke up and I was being so irrational that "I never thought for a second we would break up".

Unfortunately my over reacation, and his return to the location of the work trip (and the location of the girl he is now with) for several months, oonly two and a half weeks after we broke up pushed him towards her. I made all the classic mistakes of crying, calling, smsing, skyping, Facebook, instant messaging on the phone... in hindsight I was embarrassing to myself.

Over lunch today, he said that he felt he never had the time to figure out what he really wanted, as I never gave him that time and space.

When I talk to him, he is still so clearly hurt. When I have explained to him why I reacted the way he did, he doesn't say anything, just looks hurt and says he doesn't know what to say.

His emails to me say that he wishes things worked out differently, but now he is with this girl.

This girl has now left the boyfriend for him, and is now moving countries to be with him here, at least for a few months.

It is such a complicated situation as I also know this girl as she too was also a colleague of both of us.

It freaks me out no end knowing she will be here, but I have tried not to focus on that, or the fact we are very likely to run into each other. I know they have a difficult path ahead too, both rebounding, him living with a girl for the first time, her having no friends here and knowing no one except him, her not knowing the culture or the language of where we are, and her having to rely on him a lot - which is something I know that he doesn't genrally like. But I also know that none of that is my concern, and that she too will find it difficult being here and knowing Im around and working with him every day. It's a reality for both of us.

Since July (so I guess the last few months) Ive been healing, focusing on me and gotten to a place where yes Im hurt, yes I have regrets but I also know I need to focus on me and what is right for me. It isn't easy, and I still really miss him and his friendship.

We resolved over lunch today that we would finally put this in the past and focus on being friends if time worked out that way. In the meantime, I won't contact him apart from work related reasons (which make it necessary). But I sure as hell will make sure I look good in the office and am behaving like my normal, chirpy cheerful self (even if Im still hurting on the inside).

I know that I need to keep focusing on myself and not worry about them - but I just can't help that we finished prematurely. And hence my confusion - I know that we both will always care about each other and treasure the time we had together - but I wonder whether it is ever really possible to recover from something like this. And if time really is a healer.

[Sillygal]

"Sillygal", you picked that name for a reason. huh?

Check out this post, and ones like it.https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ks-499288.html

Good luck to you.

Yes... sure did!

[elwoodb]

Sillygal, after reading your last post there is one thing that springs out and that is you blame the failure of the relationship it seems entirely on yourself. Which is not the cause what so ever! He kissed another girl while you were together, I don't care how big a rough patch your having it is unacceptable for that too happen! That kiss certainly isn't your fault either, it's entirely his responsibility. You can't control his actions your Nor should you feel responsible for them, it's a very easy too not kiss someone else. With time and a bit of distance you gain some clarity, maybe it's time for a holiday sounds like you need one?

[Sillygal]

elwoodb, you are right I do need a holiday, and that's exactly what Im doing - coninciding with her arrival.

I don't blame myself for the break up, and I can see how it looks that way. I regret how I handled things both during the relationship and after the breakup.

I kick myself as I know I was not fun to be around, nor behaving in a very stable way after we separated.

Having said that I know I can't control his actions at all, and I know that he ultimately made his choice and decisions to do what he did, leave me when I was in a difficult situation and down at work, kiss another girl whilst we were together and not tell me about it, get together with her shortly afterwards etc.

The hardest part is hearing him say that me being unstable was what freaked him out the most. Its also hard knowing that he ran into her arms because he was lonely and needed a break, and the work and stress situation meant they too were working very closely together, in isolation.

So, I don't blame myself, I just wish I behaved differently, and my challenge is to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them if ever Im in the same situation again.

Its so hard as we had such a special connection, one that is still so evident between us when we are together. Yet we are both so hurt, he is so proud and stubborn, and has thrown himself into this new relationship.

I can only wonder how it will turn out with two people on the rebound and the obvious challenges they will face, and I fear for him that she is using him and playing him off against her exboyfriend.

I feel somewhat liberated after our discussion at lunch, but still hurting as as much as a cliché as it is and sounds, I just didn't appreciate what I had until it was too late and let the pressures of work really affect me, and ultimately the person that meant the most to me.

I know that if he was stronger or more mature and able to deal with problems better he would have stuck around, been honest with me about the kiss in the first place and the reaons for the break up. But it didn't happen.

And so Im left just wondering... and trying not to go crazy in the meantime.

[elwoodb]

Learning from mistakes is an experience that both of us are going through, this is a good time to reflect and see what you want from your future relationships. I've Learnt personally that I want a relationship where we both grow together and each of us have a lot of independence. I have regrets about my behaviour and how many mistakes I made and how I turned into a blubering idiot... Never again! My old boss had this opinion on regrets "lifes to short to have regret, there's only two decisions that will cause real regret, the first is making a decision that gets someone killed, the second is making a decision that gets you killed." as far as he was concerned you could live with every other decision without regrets (well in time at least).

To be honest you can do better, if he was too much of dumbass to realize how lucky he was then stiff sh*t. He didn't man up and breakup before he kissed this girl, he didn't even have the guts to tell you the truth when he did! No wonder your confused! I know you care for him, it seems that for a while afterwords an ex has the ability to hit the 'care' button on you. I know because my ex can still hit it from 150km with a token text. With time the button shrinks but only with time and reflection. Real men don't treat their partners like this, they don't kiss other girls! They do not behave this way, idiot boys behave this way. Don't worry about the wondering, that's what people do!

Glad your going on a holiday :)

All the best!

[Sillygal]

Elwoodb, I hear what you are saying. But I also recognise people can make mistakes. It doesn't make them a bad person by making the mistake, and of course it depends on what the mistake was.

I can't say how I would have reacted to him telling me about the kiss. But I would have wanted the opportunity to have the choice.

Really, I just think the pressures of our really unusual job and the circumstances we found ourselves in caused certain things to happen and in a way that he wouldn't normally. Im not making excuses for him, I can just appreciate how it can happen.

I too kissed him when I was with someone else. I told that someone else, and perhaps it was the reasoning I had myself at the time that P used to rationalise himself. My reasoning at the time was that if I was doing that it was an indication that things were not right in my relationship, and that is part of th reasons I ended my previous relationship.

But I don't want to put him down or bag him out. He made mistakes sure, but that doesn't make him a bad person.

I would rather not focus on him, but try to understand myself and what I did wrong. Its up to me to choose how to respond to P, and for P to choose how to respond to me. I feel that I could forgive him for his mistakes, and providing he treated me as he did before, we would have a basis potentially in the future.

Our friends and colleagues variously think the same.

As I said, Im not sitting around waiting, just being realistic that its something that at this point I would contemplate. Maybe if in the future he wanted to, I won't.

But this is the reason for my initial questions.

Is it possible, has anyone known it to happen, to recover from a situation where you have been so emotional, crying, needy, constantly being a bother with all the phone calls, messages etc? Or does this behaviour really deal the fatal blow? It is this behaviour that I am really kicking myself for.

[Sillygal]

I know this is a long shot, but I'm really wondering if this is something that two people can recover from. Will I always be that needy emotional person, or will time change his perspective?

[talaniman]

You have to change your own perspective first, and get to the point you are happy with yourself, and what you are doing, and comfortable with how you approach things. He may want a second look, he may NOT. Doesn't matter if your happy with who you are and have a life that you enjoy without him.

The deal is to have something good to share with someone, not drama, hassles, or confusion. That is all up to you. I think that it starts with you healing from the break up, and letting go of the past, and starting fresh, with a new outlook, and approach to how you see yourself. That takes time though, so be patient, and get busy.

I don't have a family, and I don't have close friends here where I am who know both of us and the situation intimately.

Nothing is stopping you from making friends, through activities, hobbies, or things you enjoy.

[Sillygal]

Quote:

Quote by Sillygirl,
I don't have a family, and I don't have close friends here where I am who know both of us and the situation intimately.

Quote by Talaniman,
Nothing is stopping you from making friends, through activities, hobbies, or things you enjoy.

You are absolutely right - but you might have taken me out of context. I have friends here that I to things with and meet playing sport, going out etc. This isn't my native country so when I moved here I needed to do that. What I meant was that I don't have my closest nearest and dearest friends here (as they live where I am from or else where in the world) who I can openly and intimately discuss this with.

A part of the reason for this is because P and I work together and a large number of both our friends are our work colleagues. It comes from the huge hours we work as it makes the ability to do things outside of work difficult. But I do when I can, with the people outside of work that I know.

Is it possible, has anyone known it to happen, to recover from a situation where you have been so emotional, crying, needy, constantly being a bother with all the phone calls, messages etc? Or does this behaviour really deal the fatal blow? It is this behaviour that I am really kicking myself for.

I agree I need to be myself and have a life without him - absolutely. There is no way that I would never attract anyone, let alone him, if I sat around moping all the time. I have to be happy with myself first before anyone can be happy with me.

But, well not but... the question I would really just like to know if it is ever possible for a guy (or a girl) to change their impression or feelings towards an ex after they have committed these "break up sins". I don't know anyone who has, and thought someone here might, or might have turned their situation around.

Hope Im making sense.

[talaniman]

But, well not but... the question I would really just like to know if it is ever possible for a guy (or a girl) to change their impression or feelings toward an ex after they have committed these "break up sins". I don't know anyone who has, and thought someone here might, or might have turned their situation around.

You make perfect sense. Only when mistakes have been corrected can people re evaluate the situation properly, but they BOTH have to be willing to work together to make it work, and working together in the same place, is both an obstacle, and a opportunity. Its an obstacle because feelings will always be stirred up by meeting and interacting, and that's a distraction from any personal goals, but its also a chance for exes to see positive changes. Make no mistake though, workplace relationship create more obstacles than opportunities, no doubt.

I think the key for you is where you put your priorities. In getting him back, or making yourself a life that you enjoy without him in it. I think the latter is a better option. Its been my experience that putting too high of a priority of getting some one back, often blinds us to better options, and opportunities. That's why a proper healing is the priority for now, so you can at least be aware of those other options, and opportunities to be happy.

There is a lot of power in having other options, and opportunities.