[confusedtony]

Here's the story
When I got with my girlfriend she was not long out of an abusive relationship. Her ex had just been given 3 months for physically abusing her. When we were only a few weeks together she found out she was pregnant for her ex. Having heard her story I decided to stand by her and take the child as my own. A hugely risky decision as I can see now, but 1 that I'm happy I made all the same. When the ex got out of jail the texts and fone calls started. So I got her a new fone and no, which gave us peace and comfort till he got the new no when it all started again. I tried to turn a blind eye to it but it was so hard, then I found out she had text him back. She said it was to tell him to piss off. Now I will admit I have trust issues, but I made it clear to her that if he text again that I wanted to know, but no I caught her a few times with his no in the message log but every time she claims that she is telling him to go. She says that she hates seeing me get thick over it and that is why she hides it from me, which I can understand.
However I caught her talking to him one night when we were out. She left the club purpously to talk to him. This is what has me driven around the bend, she feels like she has no power to turn away from him when she has been drinking, she says that she cannot explain it and she doesn't want anything to do with him. But still when he turns on the charm she forgets everything he did to her
What am I supposed to do. I left her for a few days after that and she claims that it will never happen again as he admitted to being a dirty junkie, but its so hard to trust her. Every time she gets a message on her fone, I don't want my mind to go into overdrive. I have no comfort when I go out either, wondering if when she is gone is she with him, or even someone else

Please help me to figure out what I should do

[kp2171]

Not all similar experiences are the same... but here's my experience...

You are most likely right to worry and wonder.

When my lover was getting texts all day and night... it wasn't from her girlfriends. It was her lover.

And when that affair ended, she kept it up with the next affair.

If she cannot be up front and honest with you about her actions... well, either you are wrong for her (she can't trust you) or she is wrong for you (you can't trust her)... and neither situation ends with a "win"...

I think you need some time away from her.

I think you have good reasons to be concerned.

I don't need to know every secret my lover has... but my experience in this case, having gone though a similar situation under different circumstances, is that if she is hiding this... she's likely hiding more.

You need to step way back. And see how hard she is willing to chase you.

[QLP]

If she cannot ignore him when she has been drinking maybe it would be better not to drink.

She had an abusive relationship and then a child with this man, and now her head seems all over the place. Ask her to get some counselling to resolve her mixed feelings. You need her to show some real commitment to the relationship she has with you now and that means being honest with you and not maintaining this secret link with her past relationship.

[lickemlolly]

How did he get the new number exactly? Did she perhaps give it to him? Hmmm... so lets try this... change the number again... for the last time... and explain to her... if this happens again you WILL leave her and it WILL be over... cell phones are not in the white pages.. you cannot simply call up 411 and obtain the number.. and if you are going to give me the excuse that it was one of her friends she had better tell her friends ahead of time that giving out the number will be hazardous to your relationship... and I agree maybe she shouldn't drink... AT ALL... last chance last shot..

Just thought of this too... file a damn police report for harassment... sounds like she's still attatched to this guy so this idea may not go over too well with her but... its an option as well...

[positiveparent]

First thing I asked myself if you got her a new number then she mustve given him the number, or how could he still be phoning her.

I think its time you sat her down and talked to her about this, she has obviously lied and given him her number. Otherwise how could he phone or text her.

If shes pregnant then she really shouldnt be drinking, or not much then.

I personally think youre being taken, by her and possibly by him too, maybe to get her all the baby things shell need, pram, cot clothes, blah blah, once baby is here one day theyll go out to the shop and youll get a text hours later, saying, sorry gone back to ex afterall hes babys Daddy.

JMO

[talaniman]

Geez guy, what do you expect when you get into a quick relationship trying to rescue a female you can support but not fix her many issues.

She is pregnant
She was in an abusive relationship with the baby daddy
She has latched on to you because she needs love, and support through a difficult time.

You were there for her through those times but that doesn't mean that her baggage from then has been unpacked or her issues resolved.

Just say NO isn't working, and unless you have a better plan that for a while puts your personal agenda aside, how will she get the closure she needs?

Only in fairy tales do you rescue the damsel in distress, and ride off happily into the sunset. In real life, the female heals, and gets strong enough to do her own thing again, whatever the hell that is, because there is a HUGE difference between GRATITUDE, and REAL LOVE and caring.

I think you back away, and let her solve her own problems, and stop fighting to save someone from themselves. Its her choice now, and try as you may, its up to her.

I know, you thought you had something here, and your actions are honorable, but your job is over, and the rest is up to her. Give her space to make her decision without you, because she will any way.

[Fr_Chuck]

She has to choose, first

The man will be around for the rest of your life in some ways, since he is the babies bio father and will be paying child support and having visits with the baby

The mom will have to be strong enough to tell him to get lost from her and not get involved with him.

[lovedoc12]

Yea I agree it's hard to help someone who can't help themselves because if she can't choose to break things off on her own whatever you say will go out the window. I know love hurts but if it's the plan in your face that she still talking to the dude even after he beat the out of her she loves him and only he can break that by leaving her alone. Because as long as he shows interest in her she can't resist. And trust me the baby has nothing to do with it she's selfish. Because if she was thinking about the baby she wouldn't even be bothered with the guy...