[Kev-Cali]

Hello All. I would appreciate your opinions/advice on my current relationship situation please...

So I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over 3 months now, I am 29 and she is 23. We randomly met and it has been amazing since day 1. It didn't take long before we fell in love, and today we still both truly love each other. Its been so amazing for both of us that we just can't stop seeing each other. We have pretty much seeing each other every single day and she's been sleeping over every night for the past 2 months apart from a few exceptions, we both just can't get enough of each other it seems, its amazing.

Although I know that she really does love me and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her, I know that there is "something" else going on from before we met. I know that I popped-up into her life out of the blue as she did for me, but I feel that she had a situation with a guy that had been going on from before that she hasn't yet completely gotten rid of. I know what I know because I have seen on several occasions that this guy is trying to call her but she doesn't answer, at least when she's with me. I have also seen text messages from him (that I wasn't supposed to see obviously) saying stuff like "how are you baby?" "call me baby?" "i miss u"," i love you," all that stuff... she usually does not respond, and I think that this guy is going crazy and doesn't get what is going on because she has not When I recently spoke to her about whether I can truly trust her she says yes. WHen I doubted her one day, she is honest enough to tell me that she cannot lie that she was dating a guy, that they've know each other for a long time and that he is a friend and does not feel right just saying "sorry, I have a boyfriend now, bye" , she thinks that its messed up considering the friendship that they had.

I appreciate her honesty but I cannot be sure that she is going to not see him at times when I'm not there. I see clearly that she has somewhat cut him off as well as others, and she says she did so. My concern is that she is probably and surely calling him every now and then or maybe even seeing him (who knows) just to satisfy him and to maybe calm him down for reassurance that she is still there for him. At the same time I feel that she really wants to be with me and that she has a plan to gradually cut him off or to inform him that she has a boyfriend, I am led to believe this.

What do I do? I don't want to say I know what's going on exactly because I'm not supposed to know any details (and I do know his name)... that would tell her that I have been checking her phone which could also jeapordize our relationship. I feel bad for doing that but it was inevitable and of course I have to protect myself from being heartbroken again! Should I let it be or should I stand up in a manly way and say, "listen, you need to make a decision here!"??

[troy70]

Kev, from what you've it seems she's been doing a pretty damn good job of letting you know she wants you over the "other" guy. You need to communicate and declare what your status is. Casual dating? Having fun with no attachments? Or in a relationship? She seems pretty mature so talk to her about it. As far as the other guy goes, let her handle her business. If you guys are truly attached at the hip like you say you are, then you have nothing to worry about my friend. She's picking you over him, but still has a good heart and can't drop a friend that has feelings for her as quick as you'd like and its making you worried or even a bit jealous.


Remember, she might be a dime, but you're a HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!!

Good luck friend. :)

[redhed35]

So,this other guy does not even know about you?

And she loves you,that's a bit odd,don't you think.

I would be straight up here,granted,you snooped and found out,not having any trust there, is a massive issue,even if things on the surface are all lovey dovey...

She is hiding a very real relationship problem,granted as far as you know he is an ex, and you are snooping...

Problems all round.

So what are you going to do?

Confront her... so she is being nice to this guy,let him down gently! its not fair to you or him!

This girl is playing with fire,and your going to get burnt if you don't say something.

[Kev-Cali]

She does have a good heart and is not dropping her friend with feelings as quick as I'd like. But it may be that she is too kind to the point where she will feel the need to satisfy him (maybe gradually less and less), but that's still unacceptable. BTW we have spoken about our status and we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend for about 2 months now. Her close friends all know this.

Redhed, I am willing to confront her but I'm still not sure how exactly to confront her.. and what do you mean by "let him down gently"? Thanks

[redhed35]

When a couple break up,what should happen is they both go their own way.. its over.

Letting him down gently,is in a way,trying to save him the hurt that comes with a breakup.. but all it does is give falsh hope..

She's not being fair to him,he still thinks he has a chance if she is in contact... I don't buy this friend thing,couples have split after 20 years together and survived... he will live..

If she does not cut off contact with this guy,he won't go away..

And the more she talks and sees him,the more mistrust is going to build.. wheres her loyalty? To you or him 'her friend'.. are you not her friend?

If she is too nice to tell him straight,she may be to nice to tell you the full truth,to save your feelings so to speak.

[chanelpumpkin]

If your girlfriend is with you everyday, and she isn't texting this guy back or anything. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Some people just don't realize things and obviously her ex hasn't realized its totally over. My boyfriend's crazy ex tried for the year of our relationship to get him back but he kept ignoring her. You can't control other peoples actions.

[chuff]

Sounds like she's keeping him for a back up or keeping you as a fool. I'd think most girls would be ticked off if a guy texted them, and called them all the time with the "I miss you baby's" and "I love you." She doesn't and if she's not responding as you say, why would he keep doing it?

[High Max]

I am very adament when I'm in a relationship that if a man cannot respect the boundaries of our relationship then he cannot be your friend. He wants in her pants, not her friendship as much as she may say he is just a friend.

This isn't a one way street either. If you decide to say something like what I mentioned or something similar, also tell her that if it was the reverse situation you'd tell the girl to back off if she wasn't respecting your relationship.

In general from my own experience, if a woman really likes you and wants to be with you, she won't have a problem telling a nuisance like this to get lost. Just my thoughts though.

[talaniman]

She is honest enough to tell me that she cannot lie that she was dating a guy, that they've know each other for a long time and that he is a friend and does not feel right just saying "sorry, I have a boyfriend now, bye" , she thinks that its messed up considering the friendship that they had.

Dude, don't let the lust of this very new 3 month thing you have, delude you, or fool you. She is keeping the ex close in case your grass isn't as green as the yard she just left. She is keeping her options open, and her saying "does not feel right just saying "sorry, I have a boyfriend now, bye" , she thinks that its messed up considering the friendship that they had." is a crock of crap you need to pay attention to. Back up, and see reality here, by taking your blinders off.

Talaniman Rule-Know the difference between love and lust. One fades with time, the other grows in time.

For sure lust shows up first, but will leave quickly, and then you can see whats left.

Talaniman Rule-Never assume someone else's feelings are the same as yours.

Hey your sky high, but obviously she is keeping the door open for the ex, which is a red flag that she is having a great time with you, but is not thoroughly convinced your better than him.

Pay attention because by her own words, thats exactly what she is saying, as if she were convinced, she would have straight up told him to bug off.

Talaniman Rule- Never let your own lust blind you to the facts.

Fact- You only assume she is as honest as you think.
Fact- you can only assume she feels as you do.
Fact-You know she is keeping the true nature of her contact with the ex from you
Fact- The physical attraction doesn't change the fact she is a stranger you know nothing about.
Fact-She takes his texts, but does she reply back, and keep his hopes going? Or is she ignoring him waiting for him to leave her alone?
Fact- Her behavior with the ex, maybe a preview of what will happen to you.

You have enough facts to slow down, and see things for what they are, and make the right decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings. You don't have to confront her, just protect your heart, by paying attention to her "honesty".

[Cat1864]

As far as I can tell from what you have written, you are the other man in this relationship.

The Ex isn't an ex because she hasn't clearly broken it off with him. It isn't over until BOTH parties know that it has ended. She may know but HE doesn't. "Letting him down easy" is a good way to keep him on the hook while she plays with you.

If this is how she breaks up with boyfriends, then you are going to get very paranoid when the relationship cools off and you start spending less time together. Lust only lasts so long and even those people in the most passionate and loving relationships need personal space and time.

If she loves and respects you as much as you think she does, she needs to firmly tell the first man that it is over. She doesn't have to tell him she has another man in her life.

However, I would be very cautious that this isn't a habit with her. One passion cools-she finds another "out of the blue" and repeats the cycle.

[TheCompromiser]

I know one thing I was always told, if you have to ask, can I trust this person, you already don't. You definitely need to talk about it. When you start to talk, Let her know how you feel. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. What If some other girl was texting you all the time saying she (the other girl) loves you! Let her know you do love her, and she's the best you've ever had, and that you want this to work out, right? I will tell you, depending on the ex, friendships are possible, but you don't text your friends "see you later baby". Tell her everything you're thinking, and how you're feeling. Leave nothing out! I will tell you, a woman respects a man pouring his feeling to her, and if she doesn't, hurry and start unattaching, because she'll do it every time.

[summer7]

I would expect my boyfriend to confront me if I had my ex on the sidelines. If my guy expressed that an old relationship made him uncomfortable, I would call the other guy, on speakerphone, and tell him I am involved with someone and not to call me anymore.