[wretch42]

I had an affair with the husband of a family friend. It didn't last very long. I felt/ still feel incredibly guilty about it. This has completely changed myself concept and sense of character. Some background... He and I had become close over the span of several years. What started as normal friendly conversations eventually lead to more intimate conversation (like him venting about marital issues, nothing sexual). One day out of the blue he tells me he's in love with me and to be honest I had developed feelings for him as well. I acted on these emotions, selfishly. As I mentioned before, I broke it off but I can't stop feeling guilty. His wife does not know and I feel constantly worried that she will find out and literally all of my friends will despise me. (Not that it wouldn't be deserved but I'll admit I'm a coward) I've preyed for forgiveness with sincerity but I still can't get this weight off my shoulders. Aside from moving to Europe in exile what should I do. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Kitkat22]

Are you married?

[martinizing2]

Are you married?

[wretch42]

I'm not married nor was I in a relationship at the time. In fact, and this is no excuse, I was suffering from undiagnosed depression and was basically a recluse at the time with the exception of very close friends and family. He was one of only a couple people who knew what I was going through.

[Kitkat22]

I can't say what you did was right.
You prayed for forgiveness. If you feel God has forgiven you then find peace.

You made a mistake and a terrible one, but I don't think hurting her was the right thing to do.

What do you think you should do?

[wretch42]

I'm not sure. He said that to tell her would only alleviate my guilt and cause her unnecessary suffering. Made it sound like a selfish act. However, some cultures believe that God only forgives those who seek forgiveness from those they have wronged as well. Do you believe this is true?

[martinizing2]

What has he said to you about it?

I can see where there is a possibility he took advantage of your weakened emotional state , for his own more selfish purpose.

But you both knew it was wrong and there could be consequences didn't you?

When you say that because you were depressed is no excuse, Do you mean you knew what you were doing was wrong at the time it happened?

[Kitkat22]

I tthink you should go with your heart. Yes the bible says to confess your sins one to another'

What will you gain? MartyZ can explain better than me.

[wretch42]

Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong. I am, according to the laws of the US an adult of sound mind. It's just when he proposed an affair I thought that if I didn't go through with it I would lose the only friend I really had at the time. The only person who really "got" me. Now that I'm no longer in that emotional state I realize that I'm better off completely isolated than surrounded by people who would propose something like that. I think feeling so down effected my perspective. Like I said I know it's no excuse but I thought that information might give you background as to why I was able to do something so morally repugnant.

He said he feels guilty from time to time but doesn't regret it. He also says he's still miserable in his marriage. I told him that she deserves to be with someone who will make her happy and who wants to be with her because she is a fantastic person. However, if he does ultimately leave her I still won't be with him so he should not leave her with that intention.


He doesn't want her to ever find out.

[martinizing2]

I was not judging you. I was looking for "state of mind" .

We all make mistakes.

[wretch42]

Sorry if my reply sounded aggressive. I certainly didn't mean to have a negative tone.

[Kitkat22]

Of course he doesn't want her to find out. You tell him he shouldn't
Be with someone he doesn't love?

That is the oldest line in the book. He doesn't want her to find out because he knows what would happen.

I'll bet you're not his first affair and you won't be his last. If you tell her do you think he'll come to you? He won't.

She will find out. Maybe you won't tell her, but he'll get caught and he'll beg her forgiveness.

It's up to you! To tell or not to tell that's the decision you have to make.

[martinizing2]

I am not going to tell anyone to lie or misrepresent the truth.

I can't say you should approach his wife to tell her.
But I would tell him that if the truth gets out you will not deny it. Or if asked directly that you will tell the truth.

See how he reacts to this.

I cannot say if this is the right moral thing to do. It is what I think I would do. For now.
I think it still requires more thought.

[wretch42]

If you tell her do you think he'll come to you? He won't.

I really wouldn't want him to come to me. Not the kind of guy I want to be with.


Thanks so much for your help Martinizing and kitkat. I know I have a lot of thinking to do.

[martinizing2]

Someone is always here if you feel the need.

I wish you well

[talaniman]

You have admitted you have done wrong, and asked for forgiveness, and now you must forgive yourself. Its not unusual at all for two unhealthy of the mind, people to get together and make an unhealthy decision, but that you regret it, and are willing to do better is what is a step in the right direction. I feel he took advantage of you, but you ignored the red flags, trusted him too much, and made him something he is NOT, a friend. You allowed it, and even welcomed it. Forgive yourself, and do better by defining for yourself better boundaries, and self awareness, and keep him completely out of your life, so you can finally heal, and get through the hurt and regret. Do better for yourself and get REAL help next time you find yourself in that very weak, and vulnerable place.

One day out of the blue he tells me he's in love with me and to be honest I had developed feelings for him as well. I acted on these emotions, selfishly.

Selfishly, and without thought to a bigger picture or where it would lead. Many who need love and support often settle for lust, as a mistaken substitute for the real thing. Forgive yourself, because now you know better and CAN, and WILL do better. For yourself, and others.

It's just when he proposed an affair I thought that if I didn't go through with it I would lose the only friend I really had at the time. The only person who really "got" me. Now that I'm no longer in that emotional state I realize that I'm better off completely isolated than surrounded by people who would propose something like that.

Build on that, and forgive yourself, and him, for the actions that you took, and be more positive about who you allow around you as a friend. Isolation is what brings out the desperate parts of us humans, so having a life that gives you options, and opportunities to look forward to, is what will keep you in a healthy, and happier place, so you can have better clarity to see and deal with red flags, and bad behavior, in a more positive way.

As you heal, you can better decide HOW to make amends to those that have been harmed by your actions. As you will be willing to take the consequences of your actions.

Personally, just my own judgment, telling him to come clean, with or without your name being mentioned is a way to start that process, so he himself can have a better direction to consider for himself, but this has to be his own decision, and in NO WAY, do you seek him out to change him.

He is responsible for his own actions, and that where you leave it. Forgive yourself and don't make THAT mistake again.

[Kitkat22]

No one is judging you. I said in my first response, you asked Gods forgiveness so you are at peace with him.

Stop talking to to to the man you had the fling with. We all make
mistakes. Show me a person who thinks they are better than someone else, who think they know more than anyone else and who believe they are sinless.

People are pious, they think talking behind someone's back is not a sin, it is. They think they are better than anyone else because they have a better job, or a title. They still sin by their attitude toward others. Backbiting instead of face to face talking. Don't worry about what people say .

Get on with your life and be happy. God is the only one you have to answer too
when you die.I really would like to know myself what makes people think one sin
is greater than another cause it's not. You have been forgiven by him.

If you feel you have to ask her forgiveness that's up to you. Take it from someone who knows, people are always going to have something mean and ugly to say about other people. They are the ones who probably have more to hide.

[positiveparent]

I think you need to learn how to forgive yourself the following link will take you to an exercise in self forgiveness, hopefully it will help you.

self forgiveness

[vanheart]

Exactly. I agree with Tal.

People make mistakes.
Its up to you how to dealt w/your guilt. Therapy maybe. Or being good from now on.

Its up to him how he redeems himself

I like to think that Karma has a way.

Our mistakes define our experience.

Put this in the past.

[Kitkat22]

Put it in the past and move on and tell him to tell his story to some other woman.