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Rupali_K · Aug 21, 2009, 03:27 AM

Hi,
Me and my husband got married 8 months ago. Recently I came to know that 2 years back my husband had an affair with his best friend. I think there affair continued for about 6 months and that they both started leaving together with one of their friend for around 1 year.
Now my husband's best friend is also married. But my husband and his friend both are in contact with each other. Her behaviour with me is not good it. Even I don't like to see her.
My husband does not know that I have been knowing about their affair. Even I never told him this because I am afraid that this may spoil our married life.
But whenever I meet her or see my husband talking to her it pains a lot. I cry a lot.
Please suggest me how should I behave. I don't want her in our life.

N0help4u · Aug 21, 2009, 03:51 AM

He already ruined your marriage you are just allowing him to get away with it by choosing to live in denial. So in effect what you are doing is accepting that you would rather share him than do something about it.

LJDK · Aug 21, 2009, 06:32 AM

Confront him. Like Nohelp4u said, he already ruined it.

talaniman · Aug 21, 2009, 07:33 AM

Were you with him at the time? How did you find out about this affair?

I think you speak honestly to your husband, so you can both get through this. Can't be any worse than it is now, but you can keep your distance from this friend.

amicon · Aug 21, 2009, 07:39 AM

If you weren't with him at the time of their affair talk to him. If you were well Id say its ruined.

MsMewiththat · Aug 21, 2009, 08:44 AM

I pushed send to quickly on talaniman's rep. What I wanted to say is that you have to be honest with your husband and let him know how you feel. You will need to work on maybe getting to a better place with this friend so that you can have her in your life. They have moved on and she is looking to be married as well.

Rupali_K · Aug 25, 2009, 01:10 AM

Hi Talaniman,
We didn't knew each other at the time of their affair. I came to know about it couple of months back when I read some of their old conversations/messages. But his friends behaviour with me was not good right from start which made me think that there is something else out there.
I did talked to my husband regarding that indirectly like I asked him - 'whether at any time before was she interested in you?'. But he said there is nothing like that. But whenever we all meet (me, my husband and his friend) she tries to show that she has her right on my husband. Also I could sense that my husband has a very soft corner for her which hurts me.
I know that my husband loves me a lot. He knows that I hate her. But he is still in touch with her. And I don't want her in our life.

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 25, 2009, 01:13 AM

It's not an affair unless he was with someone at the time, or she was with someone at the time.

If this makes you uncomfortable you need to talk to your husband about it, not us.

britEl · Aug 25, 2009, 01:55 AM

You HAVE to confront him. You must tell him how you feel or it is going to eat you up inside and ruin your marriage and love for each other slowly and painfully anyway! Maybe his friend is acting the way she is because she is jealous that you are with him and she is not. Tell him straight up to get rid of her because he is hurting you and your relationship with each other.

Gemini54 · Aug 25, 2009, 01:57 AM

If this happened when you were not together, and he's now with you then you may have to take a really really deep breath and let it go.

What is in the past should stay there - and it is you that is bringing it up. The relationship your husband had with his best friend is over and he has communicated to you that it is.

The idea of the relationship and her actions towards you can only distress and hurt you if you allow them to. You have a choice about how to respond.

You can allow it to eat at you and blame it for destroying your marriage or you can laugh about it and rejoice in the fact that you are with your husband and not her.

Why give her any power? She knows that you feel threatened and this gives her power. Even your hate gives her power - you would be far better off to cultivate indifference towards her - why should you care how she behaves towards you?

If your husband has a soft spot for her then you will just have to accept what you cannot change - remember that he's with you and treat her with the indifference she deserves.

chuff · Aug 25, 2009, 05:16 AM

The more I read this thread the more I'm confused. How could he have an affair if you didn't even know him? Are you saying she was in a relationship and she had the affair?

talaniman · Aug 25, 2009, 05:50 AM

I can understand the feelings you have about her being in his life still, and even worry over it. Thats an over reaction on your part, since you characterize their past RELATIONSHIP before you met as an AFFAIR, which it was not.

You are allowing your suspicions, and fear, to blow this out of proportion, and keep you from seeing, that she is pushing your buttons, and your letting her.

I think you handle this better with her personally, with indifference, instead of fear, and suspicion, and close off as much contact with her as you can, so you don't let her ruin your marriage.

That means you tell your husband how you feel, and set the boundaries that she is NOT allowed in your house, nor your life. Is she a friend of his family? Then you deal with her with the indifference as others have said, at family functions and you let this go, as you would any one whom you don't like, but must share space with.

Its up to you how you deal with this, but letting her ruin your marriage is unthinkable as he is with you. Take comfort in his choice of you, over her, and don't make this a wedge issue, between husband, and wife.

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 25, 2009, 12:41 PM

I agree, let it go. If you dwell on someone's past then you are not focusing on the present or future, and that can easily disrupt a relationship. Everyone has baggage, you need to accept that. If you were unhappy with his past, why did you marry him?

talaniman · Aug 25, 2009, 02:04 PM

I think the main problem is her husband had not been forthcoming with the fact he had bedded someone who was still in his life, and that's where the suspicions, and bad feelings started. That's what has to be reconciled, his omissions.

I also feel he should have disclosed that fact a whole lot sooner, rather than it come as a big surprise.

To late to change the mistakes of the past, but they can be rectified by him being a lot more understanding of her feelings, and keeping this female out of their lives, I think.

Romefalls19 · Aug 25, 2009, 02:14 PM

I used to let my fiance's past bother me too, she was married before so I felt I had nothing new to offer her. I quickly changed my thinking and thought about things positively. Think about it, they had a fling that lasted 6 months, you two have had a relationship that has built into a marriage. The past is a sunken old ship, you can try to raise it but it's only doing more damage than good.

artlady · Aug 25, 2009, 02:37 PM

You have every right to not want this woman in your life.
You need to be certain that they in fact did have an affair and tell your husband how you came to know this.

If you were snooping,you need to be honest about it and confess to snooping.

Is there a possibility your misread something into the emails?

If not than your husband lying to you is cause for concern.

I would insist that he refrain from seeing her if it is causing you this much pain.

He needs to value his marriage more than his friendship.

stripes · Mar 22, 2011, 08:01 AM

It is easy to say what someone else should do unless you have been in that same situation yourself. I suspect everyone here has. You must decide if it is truly worth it to continue living with this man, looking at him, listening to him, smelling him. Many women feel financially they cannot make it on their own. But your self-respect & self-worth are the most important things a woman can have. You are a valuable person. Look at yourself in the mirror every day & tell yourself you are important. Do not cry, they are not worth it. Trust me. There are may things to cry over, but NOT THEM. It is almost impossible NOT to think about it, but please don't second-guess yourself. Once he decided to do it, nothing you could have done would have stopped him. Whether it was having sex, dressing different, giving him some space or cutting your hair. Make sure to surround yourself with people who truly care about you. There may be only a few, but that is enough if they truly care about you. When you see her again, put on your biggest smile. Don't let her know how you are hurting. She knows & doesn't care. What comes round goes around...