[clickaus]

Hi
From her cultural background. Meeting new people and meeting for coffee or a meal seems to be the norm. So for her she thinks making new friends for a chat or a coffee is normal, here, there is a different mindset... and for me it is intimidating especially when, it seems, it appears that we are talking about just guys.. if she told me she had met a woman at the mall with similar interests and background that would be great, she would truly have someone she could interact with without the complications that comes with the opposite sex relationships in a friendship. Its OK everyone telling me that I shouldn't do this or feel like that... It has to work both ways surely.

[asking]

Some women don't like other women. I have met some. Is she like that or is she close to some women?

[clickaus]

She does have one woman friend here who she meets maybe once a week although over the past 2-3 weeks she has been overseas unsure when she will be back. And recently she had a woman friend visit from China with whom she enjoyed the company. I guess I just feel intimidated (insecure) and uncomfortable if/when she meets new people who happen to be guys, even if its Kevin, the family friend from China especially when she spend too long with him (in my opinion)

[asking]

I'm glad she can hang out with women. It sounds like she could use some more women friends if her one close friend is out of town. Does she have a hobby that would bring her into contact with more people generally?

Hard to tell but it does seem like she needs to talk to other people besides you (no offense!). I mean anyone would. So if someone's friendly, it's probably a relief to chat.

[Kitkat22]

Give her some breathing room. I agree with "wishing", everyone needs friends they can talk too.

[clickaus]

I agree, everyone needs friends but I don't agree with consciously complicating a relationship by unconsiously inviting new friends into our lives. If they are like minded couples, fine. Single males not fine. I am not holding a double standard here I too will not invite new single women friends into our lives. That is the point I am trying to make.

[talaniman]

Try this, date your wife and get to know her as if she was a stranger (she is), since you skipped the process before, and stop acting like, or expecting to be, a long established couple who are comfortable with each other.

That 90% of your problem, you have rules in your head that you put on her, and expect her to know your history and feelings, and why you're the insecure, scared, still hurt from the past and comparing her to the woman who hurt you.

Not only might it be fun, you may actually learn to trust her enough to enjoy her.

So stop stalking her and freaking yourself out, and recognize the need to make up for what was skipped, and retrace your steps to the dating phase and have some fun. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes, correct past mistakes, and try to move forward.

What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? Your already headed that way, so just try it. Instead of stalking, blow her mind with activities, and actions that will make good memories, and stop being a scared old stuffed shirt, who stalks his female, and snoops through her personal stuff.

Try it, or drown in your own sh1t!!

[clickaus]

Good call. I am on the case. Regards

[Kitkat22]

Get your act together and STOP acting like a victim. You are headed for DIVORCE if you don't wake up and stop being her ruler instead of a husband.

[clickaus]

I understand.. but please remember she didn't help this by lying and or making up a story that wasn't true or didn't add up... but I am heading in the right direction I think, I hope. Thanks to everyone.

[QLP]

Hi
From her cultural background. Meeting new people and meeting for coffee or a meal seems to be the norm. So for her she thinks making new friends for a chat or a coffee is normal, here, there is a different mindset... and for me it is intimidating especially when, it seems, it appears that we are talking about just guys.. if she told me she had met a woman at the mall with similar interests and background that would be great, she would truely have someone she could interact with without the complications that comes with the opposite sex relationships in a friendship. Its OK everyone telling me that I shouldn't do this or feel like that... It has to work both ways surely.

Unless your wife is putting herself in danger why does she need to conform to anyone's cultural norms? Heck I can't count the ways that I don't conform to average expectations. So what? At the weekend my hubby and I went to help our son move house. I ended up on 'guard' duty standing by the van whilst hubby and son brought stuff down to load. Boring job. The consierge came out for a smoke so we ended up chatting away for ages. He happened to be a guy. Again so what. If it had been a female that was around for a chat then that is who I would have been chatting with. I love meeting new people regardless of gender. Maybe your wife just happens to have met more men then women up to now.

[clickaus]

Sure, in that situation seems fine and 'normal' enough, but you wouldn't dream of accepting an invitation to go have coffee with him, I would hazzard a guess, but I would think your husband would have an awkward feeling should that have been the scenario. Am I wrong?

[Kitkat22]

Sure, in that situation seems fine and 'normal' enough, but you wouldn't dream of accepting an invitation to go have coffee with him, I would hazzard a guess, but I would think your husband would have an awkward feeling should that have been the scenario. Am I wrong?

Clickaus.. I am friendly with everybody. My husband knew that when he married me. I have male friends from high school, who always call when they are in town. I invite them for coffee. My husband is here. I went to a college football game with a friend from high school because my husband and him are friends. I talk with strangers..

There are several friend from high school who get together about every two years and we have dinner. Some are male some are female. Sometimes my husband goes sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes wives come without husbands and vice versa. I can assure you we DO NOT
Tear each others clothes off and get into a pile. My husband and I trust each other.

That's what love is. Being with friends without your spouse doesn't always end up in an affair or an orgy or casual sex or sex .

[clickaus]

I understand that these are, usually, old friends [from school] or at least, mutual friends, friend you both know. Would your husband be so understanding should you decide to have a coffee with one of those strangers you talk to.. more to the point would you even mention to him that you had a coffee with a stranger, if not what would be the scenario had he found out you did this. I don't think my feelings and fears are not a million miles away from the thoughts of any other male, whether that admit it or not it is in their thoughts albeit at the back of their mind. Mine has been accentuated by the fact that I found my wife lied to me at the beginning, admittedly to shield the wrong response, but in doing so caused the wrong thinking which unfortunately stuck in my head which in turn has been the cause of the preceding 293 postings in this site [which again I do appreciate the response]. My wife and I have talked, sometimes at length sometimes just as I am about to leave for work... but we are talking and I believe we are finding a level ground of understanding.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again.

TRUST, the foundation for any healthy relationship. I bet my wife would scare the beezesis, out of you clickaus, she will buy coffee for any one!! But her guy friends are pretty cool, and she stole my female friends from me a long time ago.

[Kitkat22]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again.

TRUST, the foundation for any healthy relationship. I bet my wife would scare the beezesis, out of you clickaus, she will buy coffee for any one!!!! But her guy friends are pretty cool, and she stole my female friends from me a long time ago.

I agree Tal.. I've sat at the mall while my husband is in the sporting goods store and talked with people I didn't know. Mostly other men waiting for their wives. And yes a few have bought coffee for me. I didn't have sex with them. My husband talks with woman when I'm shopping. He doesn't know them. That'a just the way we are TRUST

[letitbe1111]

Clickaus,
You HAVE to work on your self-esteem. Also, take care of yourself and work out! You will feel much better about yourself and the endorphins will provide a way to deal with your negative feelings about yourself. Read some great, uplifting books- try Wayne Dyer, Eckhardt Tolle, and Byron Katie. Do some introspection to figure out what is making you so insecure. Start telling yourself some nice things about YOU in the mirror. You will find that you are less threatened and will notice your wife will be happier too! If you keep thinking she'll leave you, eventually she might. There is nothing worse than being with someone who is uncomfortable in his own skin. She loves you, or she wouldn't have married you. You must STOP devaluing yourself and start seeing yourself for your positive qualities! GOOD LUCK! It starts now : )

[clickaus]

Thanks Letitbe appreciate your thoughts

[QLP]

I understand that these are, usually, old friends [from school] or at least, mutual friends, friend you both know. Would your husband be so understanding should you decide to have a coffee with one of those strangers you talk to.. more to the point would you even mention to him that you had a coffee with a stranger, if not what would be the scenario had he found out you did this. I don't think my feelings and fears are not a million miles away from the thoughts of any other male, whether that admit it or not it is in their thoughts albeit at the back of their mind. Mine has been accentuated by the fact that I found my wife lied to me at the beginning, admittedly to shield the wrong response, but in doing so caused the wrong thinking which unfortunately stuck in my head which in turn has been the cause of the preceeding 293 postings in this site [which again I do appreciate the response]. My wife and I have talked, sometimes at length sometimes just as I am about to leave for work... but we are talking and I believe we are finding a level ground of understanding.

In all honesty the pair of you got off to a bad start. You didn't trust her behaviour and she didn't trust your reaction and started lying. Trust is about more than whether the other person is cheating it is also about trusting the other person with our feelilngs. You don't feel safe due to jealousy, your wife doesn't feel safe because of you constantly doubting her, she lies and you feel even more unsafe, you check up on her...
I can see how this would make for a viscious circle.

I am glad that you feel you are beginning to reach a new level of understanding. A lot of your jealousy stems from the past and I'm sure the couselling you are receiving will help you deal with that better in time. Maybe a little couples counselling might be helpful too to help the pair of you break the circle you have unwittingly set up. I can see where your wife's behaviour hasn't been helpful. Not in being friendly but in not remaining honest about it. I can see why she lied but I can also see how this hasn't helped. The pair of you need to build a new foundation and maybe some outisde help together would expediate this.

[ragtop512]

Clikaus,

I agree with letitbe1111. You sound like you're letting insecurity make you a bit jealous. In all honesty, not being able to trust your wife may end up driving you apart - the opposite of what you want. Take care of yourself, work out, and focus on being the best person you can be... the rest will take care of itself.

One of my friends is an abuse survivor and they have trouble trusting in a relationship... Here's an article that describes their issue I think (in case you have come from an abusive background): Why the Good Enough Factor Builds Trust In a Relationship And Avoids Jealousy