[keppra20]

My 20 year old stepdaugher lives on her own. Lately she calls and says she and her boyfriend are coming over to cook in my kitchen. She does not ask and one time it was 830 at night. My husband thinks she can do this because this is her house also. This is not okay with me Am I wrong

[Wondergirl]

Why does she use your kitchen? Doesn't she have one?

[keppra20]

Yes she does. She just does not think that other people have lives and she should ask first. When she wanted to come over at 830 at night, I had to tell my husband no. It was late and I did not want company. The last time he said this was her house and I should deal with it

[Wondergirl]

Why would she come over at 8:30? Just to hang out? Is she at your house a lot? Does she just drop in any ol' time?

Of course, we both know that your husband is the key to this. What does he do when she drops in? Does he disappear or does he sit and chat with her or what?

[keppra20]

She came over to use my kitchen to bake pies and take her boyfriend to the lake. My husband loves it when she comes over. I just want to have notice or at least ask

[Wondergirl]

I totally agree that you should have some kind of notice, especially if she wants to use your kitchen for a major project. And not at 8:30 at night.

My two nieces in their 20s use the key my mom gave their dad (her son) and just unlock the door to my mom's house and walk in and sit down in the living room. More than once, my mom has come out of her bedroom or up from the basement, and whoops! There are her granddaughters making themselves at home.

[Fr_Chuck]

A difference in parenting style. A issue you have to come to terms with. Do you have grown children ? And if so are they welcome in the same terms.

Also did you move into HIS home ? If so perhaps you need to consider getting ahome that is BOTH of YOURS

But my wife would make that choice easy, a night or two of sleeping on the couch would make me think twice.

[Kitkat22]

It tickles me to death when my kids come home. Anytime, this is their home no matter how old they are.

[martinizing2]

It tickles me to death when my kids come home. Anytime, this is thier home no matter how old they are.

That is true. And they have legal possession of the grandkids...

But I still yell at them to clean up after themselves. And they still don't.

[Kitkat22]

That is true. And they have legal possession of the grandkids...

But I still yell at them to clean up after themselves. And they still don't.

Good for you. Nothing like the love you have for your kids and grandkids.:)

[martinizing2]

But if it were originally his , he has let them do it and doesn't care.
I would try to give a little on this one as long as it wasn't too often.

In the same situation I would tell my spouse , it has been like that and will remain like that , but I will make sure they understand you live here now and you need respect and consideration.

[Kitkat22]

But if it were originally his , he has let them do it and doesn't care.
I would try to give a little on this one as long as it wasn't too often.

In the same situation I would tell my spouse , it has been like that and will remain like that , but I will make sure they understand you live here now and you need respect and consideration.

Very well said and true:)

[Homegirl 50]

I love my daughter to no end but my daughter does not just show up at my house without a phone call. She knows she is welcome anytime but just because she is my child, it does not mean she should not practice common courtesy. She knows what time I go to bed so she does not just pop in when she knows I may be in bed.

That my be her dad's house but you live there too and she should respect her dad and his wife enough not to do that without asking.
Your husband In my opinion should respect you enough to ask his daughter to give more warning when she comes and come at a decent hour.
Children who are rude to their parents are probably rude to others and they learn how to react to others as you teach them to act around you.
If this bothers you talk to your husband.

[Kitkat22]

My children know this is their home. They don't have to call but sometimes they do. No matter how old they are they know anytime they want to come Mom and Dad are here. I cherish those times.

[Homegirl 50]

I understand that. Coming to visit is one thing. Coming over at night to bake, which is probably not an hour thing, and a messy thing, is quite another.
I love visits from my daughter. She comes over and then ends up spending the night many times. I have no problem with that.
But to pop up with a friend and say were going to bake cookies when she has an oven at home is just rude.
This is not just dad, he has a wife and she is not a child. She should be a bit more considerate.
It is a matter of common courtesy.

[Kitkat22]

I don't see the problem. I would never turn my children away if they wanted to cook or bake cookies.

We like being together. I think there's a little jealousy on the OP
Part. Jealous of her stepdaughter.

[Wondergirl]

I'm with Homegirl. My kids would not drop in to bake something (a pie is not a ten-minute project, and are all the ingredients available?) unless they had cleared it with me first. That's true even for 2 in the afternoon. I love my kids and am glad to see my younger son (who lives 8 blocks away and is busy with his own life), but not to bake a pie unannounced in the evening.

I'm wondering if there is a bit of a control thing going on between the stepdaughter and the OP. And I'm still wondering what's wrong with the stepdaughter's own kitchen.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think there is jealousy, I just think she is feeling disrespected.
I love my diaghter too and would never turn her away, but she would never do that to begin with.
If she is going to come over with friends she calls first to see if I'm home or to make sure I'm not busy or have company...
It's being courteous.

To come to someone's house at 8:30 at night to bake is rude. What if this woman has a job and has to get up at the crack of dawn?
It all boils down to what works in your family. I would not allow my daughter to do to me what I would not permit her to do to someone else. But that is the way I raised her. To each family his or her own.

This lady has a problem with what her step daughter does, she is not a child, she's an adult. She could show a little respect. But if the husband does not respect his wife's concerns, the daughter is not going to.
Just my opinion.

How long have you been married?

[Kitkat22]

Yes we all have different opinions. I think that's what makes the world go round.

As many years as my husband and I have been married our combined family works. His , mine and ours.

I long for the days when my kids were home. Wish we could go back to those long ago days.

Now I have my grandkids and they fill the space.

[QLP]

How long is it since your stepdaughter actually left and got her own place? I'm wondering if this is a sort of transitional thing.

My kids have left home now. I believe this is always their home too though. At first when they came home for visits they would act just the same as if they still lived here. Over time I have noticed that they have started to act a bit more as though this is the parents place and they have their own even though they are still welcome to come and go as they please.

Now for instance they don't come wihout letting us know. If they want to cook something they ask, 'Is it OK to use these ingredients?' in case I need them for something specific I had in mind to cook. My son who has been gone the longest either takes his dirty laundry with him after his visit or asks if it is OK to do some. My daughter on the other hand, who has only recently left, still just puts hers in the communal laundry basket as she would when she still lived here.

None of it has been an issue but what I am saying is that as they have got more used to their independent lives they have just naturally developed a bit more respect for my time, space and stuff as a separate person to them rather than just the respect they would give to mum, which is subtly different. It has been a very gradual process.

At the same time of course I have moved from a position of being their mum in all senses to being more their friend who is also their mum.

The relationship doesn't shift the minute they leave the family home but rather alters subtly over time as they emotionally become more and more independent.

If it hasn't been too long since your stepdaughter left maybe she just hasn't fully 'left' emotionally and it will sort itself out in time.