[talaniman]

Don't get so down on that. Sometimes it hurts, but it could be a blessing in disguise. Like losing baby teeth, for adult ones.

[fireguy40]

I'm surprising OK about it to be honest, well as much as I can be.
I think I just feel like a mug for believing every classic line that was given to me in the breakup and believing it was all due to the problems in her life, not the fact that I had become the problem. A little time away and some reflection is a powerful thing

[fireguy40]

Well its been nearly two months of nc things are slowly getting better I'm back out doing all the stuff I gave up such as boxing and training at the gym, its still damn hard though, as so many people here have experienced I still think about her and her daughter everyday and hope they are OK, even though I know they don't want or need me to, roll on 90 days for some more reflection

[martinizing2]

I admire you for staying strong and keeping with NC.
I know how hard it is. Absolutely brutal.

Keep up the good work. It gets easier.

[fireguy40]

I hope so because its bloody hard right now but I did give away all my dignity and man card in an effort to win her back!
Her car was on my street last week and it knocked me for six. Out of sight out of mind was working nicely till then lol.
But onwards and upwards who knows what will happen in the future. And if nothing is heard by Christmas in an effort to reopen the friendship lines ill sent a little card to her and her daughter (if I'm fixed by then of course)

[lifeistough75]

Honestly, I do not see a big deal with your reaction to the break up. Asking for her to come back immediately after the break up, and trying to be in her space for a while is a natural reaction. It is a wrong one, but one that is most of us would have done prior to reading these forums, and knowing better. You keep beating yourself up for that issue, as if your manhood is in question. What you did was not terrible, nothing to get counseling about, it was a normal reaction. You were trying to convince her to come back to the relationship. It happens all the time. I know people say that it pushes the girl away, but in all honesty, this girl had already left, and if she ever has the intension to come back, what you did in the first month or so would not make a difference, because she would realize she made a mistake, and would correct. Don't beat yourself up so much over your reaction. It seems you are blaming yourself for what happened in the relationship, and than pushing her away. It takes two to tango. What you are doing now is definitely the right thing to do though.

[fireguy40]

cheers mate I think your right about the guilt thing, the counseling was more do do with a combination of the breakup, (as I was about to ask her to marry me and the onl;y other girl I felt like that about ended up sleeping with my flatmate whilst I was on a night shift), and losing a kiddie in my arms at a job, my stress bucket just got too full. I hit the bottle hard as all ff do in an effort to deal in a world were asking for help is seen as a terrible sin lol.
Its daft we risk our lifes at the drop of a hat to help people we don't know, but when one of our brothers in arms needs and asks for help it's a terrible thing. As you can be seen as the wink link who might let the side down next time a kiddie is crying for help from a crashed car or a burning window.

[carolod2]

Wow you sound like a very nice person and I completely agree with lifeistough75 - your reaction is nothing to be ashamed of! In fact your reaction reflects well on you. You didn't get mad (although you had every right to be) you kept looking for ways to fix it and help your partner. You deserved a better explanation and more time and opportunity to talk through the break up. Honestly you should be proud of how you reacted, I don't think anyone could criticise you for it. It's just a shame you got hurt

[fireguy40]

Thanks carolod2, I don't think it helped when home girl told me my ex had every right to be angry with me, helped me pile the guilt on myself lol

[kaka67]

6 weeks ago she said she wasn't happy was in a bad place and needed to be on her own, she still loved me and wanted me in her life and would always need me.

We still talked everyday and she invited me over for my birthday we hung out had a meal and all was good, i chatted to her daughter (who still wasnt aware of the situation) and we all had a good time.

No wonder you hung on.

She said she wanted to be on her own, but, then invites you over??

She gave mixed signals. When it suited HER she contacted you??

But if you contacted her it didn't suit her plan. Which sounds like it was all ME, ME, ME.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a hard time with passing of the child at work.

Your homegirl needs a attitude adjustment.

[fireguy40]

Hi kaka67 I guess this is true I could never understand why I was invited over I thought maybe it was because as a friend she still cared a bit, but who knows.

By homegirl do you meen my ex or homegirl on here who told me off ;-)

[kaka67]

Oopsy no I meant your ex...

(Sorry don't know how to edit previous post)

[fireguy40]

I admire you for staying strong and keeping with NC.
I know how hard it is. Absolutely brutal.

Keep up the good work. It gets easier.

It is also quite easy if you know your ex really doesn't want to speak to you and you know the reaction you'll get if you get in touch lol

[fireguy40]

God this is going to end up becoming a journal or log for me.
Had a funny day yesterday and for some reason sunk back to being a mess despite going for a good 6 mile run I couldn't clear my head.

Then in town I saw a couple who are friends with my ex and their new baby,
I went over to say hi as I really wanted to see their new baby who is only a few months old and had a quick chat.
I'm quite proud I managed not to mention my ex at all and just talked about the baby and a quick bit about life in general.

I left them feeling quite happy but now have a feeling I may have dropped one lol.

I have once again had a conversation with a friend of my ex initiated by me as I crossed the street to speak to them.
I also feel it was a bit of a stilted awkward conversation ( although I may well be projecting my feelings onto them ) and that I shouldn't have initiated it as I invaded a bit of personal time and space for them.

So I'm wondering did I do my usual blundering thing and ignore people on here and not stay away from conversations with friends of the ex or does this not count ? ;-)

[fireguy40]

just give her time and space and see what will happen!

That's the plan, I'm not getting in touch with her at all or trying to find out what she's up to.
Yesterdays meeting was purely by chance and was strictly about the new baby, and I was excited to see the baby as I was friends with them both throughout the pregnancy.
I just seem to keep coming here and writing stuff, it helps me process everything as I can't afford the counselor any more .

[redhed35]

It takes time to heal and recover,no one gets it exactly right,it's a journey of self discovery and learning.

Your making a template for further relationships,you have nothing to go on only your own experience.

Everyone is different and the level of your emotional attachment to your ex will strongly influence your healing process,but your doing it,your getting there.

Your making the dots and joining them one by one,some day,soon,you will have the full picture and look back on your journey with pride and awe at how far you have come.

Your human, give yourself a break,be your own best friend and forgive yourself.

Today is a new day,the last few weeks of healing have not been erased by one conversation,its just another dot your going to join up.

Posting IS a great way to reflect and get feedback,and also read back on how far you have come.

[fireguy40]

Thanks redhead35 I'm in a much much much better place than when I came on here, I'm back to being a functioning member of society again compared to the broken man I was !
Don't get me wrong I'm not fixed but I'm getting there I can even talk to girls now and not feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong ;-) I even had a date at the weekend which went pretty well.

I have learnt so much by reflecting on the past, I've learnt things I do wrong but also that I do manage to do quite a lot right and I'm not a bad person lol.

The biggest thanks I have to give to my ex regardless of the future is she has made me realise I want kids ( which for anyone who knows me is a massive step forward) want to get married and deserve to have someone who works as hard at life as I do!
And made me realise my communication skills in relationships have been poor.
I have often been afraid to say how I feel or give my opinion on things due to a fear they may not like what I have to say, where as a lot of problems could have been sorted in the early days in all my previous relationships.

On reflection on the conversation yesterday I don't think I did anything wrong, I didn't talk about the ex or our situation, and I should be able to talk to people who I know, say hi and congratulate them on a new arrival, I did nothing wrong so shouldn't worry about it

[redhed35]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

This is a great stickie in the relationship forum,one of my favourites,I think you might relate to 'friend4u' experience.

There's also another one written by 'i wish' called the meaning of no contact,another favourite.

Have a look,there are some great insights in those stickies and it might help you make another dot.

[fireguy40]

Thanks for the link. I read that on day one and to be fair it is part of what kept me going over the last 2 months it is a brilliant essay and sums my journey up so far.

I have carried out many of the things on that list,
I have thought about what I have done and am in the process of forgiving myself.
I learnt from the journey so when I begin a new one I have a map to begin with of how I want to be and I have surrendered all control to god, fate the universe or what ever I believe in that day lol.

Forgot to add an effort to cheer myself up and to have a reminder of what I need to be in the future I got some new ink on Friday so if I ever doubt myself or slip back, I have my tattoo to remind me of the good points of everything

[redhed35]

A tattoo is certainly a permanent reminder!

There are a few good self help books on the market if you require a suggestion I can offer a few choices.

So far your going really well.