[Aurora_Bell]

Jim, you have received some great advice here, and as much as it hurts, NC is the best way to go. I know you are hurting,

This is a trick that was taught to me, not sure if they still practice this, but it has always helped for me.

The idea is you write 3 letters. One today. Let out all your hurt, your anger your questions, anything that's on your mind. Put it in your drawer. Wait 2 weeks, write another letter. Stating where you are in the break up, how you are feeling and any other questions you have. Fold it up and put it in your drawer.

Next one will be in a months time. This letter should only be about the positives in your life, and doesn't even have to be addressed to her. In fact when you address it to someone else, you start seeing, that yes the break up sucked, but life goes on.

I know it sounds silly, but you mentioned writing a letter before, and I find this method let me get out what I was feeling. It helped me see where I was and where I am currently.

Nothing but time is going to heal the hurt, and maybe in time you can be friends, bu don't set that as a goal. Set your goal to getting you better.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

The only mistake you made was not dumping her when the lies started. In time though you will be a lot better off than this coward of a female is.

Disappear from her life so you can restart your own, as there is never any shame for trying to do the right thing by people, or even being compassionate when you give the benefit of a doubt.

You didn't break the trust, she did. Don't forget that. You will reap the rewards and benefits of being a good guy, and she will pay the consequences of being a liar, cheater, and deceiver.

I would call you lucky about finding out her true nature, and that of a "trusted" friend.

Hold your head up high and be better than them both, or be like our young advisee from previous postings, bitter and unhappy, with nothing to look forward to because he can't see beyond his feelings, and see he is FREE to pursue BETTER options, and opportunities. I think you can though.

[Kitkat22]

She'll keep on lying. It hurts but listen to the advice.. NC... Good Luck.

[KyleS28]

Kingjim. If you want to know the truth here it is. This girl is selfish. You may have thought that the relationship was about the two of you, but it was about her. She liked the way you made her feel. She liked how comfortable she was in a relationship with you. She needs to mature. She needs to learn that relationships are about what you build together and generosity (selflessness) is the mature way to approach a relationship. She chose to let another man into her life because she is selfish. You deserve way better than her. That shows a lack of confidence and character on her part. She will continue to have the same problems in her future relationships until she matures. She doesn't deserve you. Move on. Don't waste any more time on her. Find someone who is confident enough not to entertain other options while in a relationship with you and you do the same.

[adro_is_hurting]

Im sorry your going through this kingjim. I am going through something like this also, but I am a little more ahead in the process than you.

I was with my girlfriend for a little more than 3 years. We were really really in love, then one day she wanted a break. (You might want to read my thread). NC is really the way to go man. I didn't go NC right away and it made getting over her hella hard. When I finally went NC it worked wonders. While it was extremely hard, it helped me so much.

My ex started to try to get back into contact with me a little more than a month ago. I ignored her for a little while, but I messed up one day and started talking to her. She wanted to explain her side, like what you want your ex to do. I told my ex I didn't want to have that talk right now.

We saw each other a couple of times after we started talking again though. Bad idea man. We would argue a lot, then have a "normal/friendly" conversation until something was said that irked me and another argument would ensue. She would start crying, and I wanted to just let her stand there and cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't let someone who I loved and cared about so much cry without comforting her. We started kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping with each other. It didn't feel the same.

We started to hang out only with the intention of sleeping with each other. We would act like everything was OK between us, like nothing wrong had happened. We liked pretending it was normal because during the moment it felt so good. And so real, like we were still together. But as soon as I left, reality would hit me in the face. We weren't together, she gave up, she quit, she ended our relationship without giving us a chance to fix it. This is causing a whirlwind of emotions for me right now, and its making this a lot harder. We still haven't had "the talk" as to why she went on break and our future. We had sex last night, today Im going to tell her we can't do that anymore.

What Im trying to say kingjim is to give yourself time man. Really think if you want to know the real reasons she left. Like others have said, the real reasons most likely won't come out. She will probably give you some cop out excuse. Your emotions are too raw right now, you cannot think clearly right now. If you guys talk before your really ready, your going to go with an agenda. Get her back, act like everythings all good, friendship or whatever. She's gone and living her life, so you go do that too. Something Ive learned with help from this website, is to not cry or worry about someone who isn't even thinking about u. Go NC, silence is golden. NC really helps you, it's the hardest thing Ive ever had to do, but it works. That's why Im going to go NC again and not talk to my ex until I am really ready. Stay up bruh. You sound like a great guy and deserve a great girl. Good guys don't finish last, it just takes a little longer to finish sometimes.

[Adapa]

Sorry for ranting so much, its pretty complicated. I don't know whether to confront her and find out the truth (which means admitting I read her emails, and may jeapordise any chance of friendship, as well as hurting a lot), or to ignore all this and just pretend it didn't happen? Any advice? Thank you!

I don't know who said this on the board, but I remember reading it on these forums... It goes something like this:

You will find closure within yourself... in time.
...

Who cares what the real reasons are? Does it matter? Why would you care anyway? How does the truth change what has already happened? So... She tells you what really went on... How does this closure help you? How would you even believe it? If anything, as history showed she would most likely just lie right to your face...

Your story hits pretty close to home... as my ex use to lie to me about speaking to an ex-boyfriend who use to abuse her (she changed her number because he was stalking her and threatening her)--So, you could understand why I thought it was weird when these twos tarted to chit chat (behind my back). First time, she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again... Then that didn't stop, and it progressed to phone conversations at night...

Once you lie... its really hard to believe ANYTHING that person says without any pure evidence and co-signed papers, you know?

Its been over 6 months since my break up man... I went NC on day one. No contact is really hard... but after 3 months... It gets really easy. See... You have to reset your brain to opperate without that person in your life... and the only way to rework your brain and re-wire it is to have that person 100% completely OUT of your life.

Most likely when going NC she will get curious as to "why you don't care". But in all honesty... we all care, we just know what needs to happen... So shell try and keep tabs on you. Be warned she will most likely try and get into contact with you. All I can say is either be prepared to NOT contact her back, or change your number.

Also... since you don't know who she is anymore she could be very crazy girl... In which case she will even try and use sex to make you talk to her. You also need to ignore that... pretty much all girls have 2 things in their favor to try and get a guy... Sex, and guilt. And if you can overcome this... you are home free to be making that home-run.

Anyway...

DON'T use NC to get her back. Remember, you don't want her back anyway. NC is to heal yourself, not to win back the ex.

When your brain goes 400mph with WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY :confused::confused::confused::confused:

What I usually did was stop what I was doing(If I was even doing anything), and just went running... until I would stop worrying about WHY WHY WHY, and stop focusing on breathing and staying alive...

Best of luck brotha... stay on the path to amazingness, shell get her day in the dirt... like most selfish people do.

[kingjim103]

Thanks for all your help. I decided to take KyleS28's advice and sleep with all her friends.
Haha, don't worry, I'm not an idiot.

Seriously, I'm going to wait a few days until I feel lesss angry, then I'm going to call her and confront her. Im well aware that this won't help things, that it will hurt, and that she'll probably lie to me again, but I'm sure she doesn't realise what she's done. Whether it will help or not, I feel I need to do this. It will improve her as a person and it will make her realise what she's done. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy. I know that she has treated me badly and been selfish, but I think she made mistakes, simple as that. I won't be able to forgive her for a long time, but I know I've been the better person.

I am feeling quite strong at the moment, largely thanks to your help. I know that sometimes life kicks you in the balls, and people can do awful things, but I know I'll get over it and I'll be OK. After I speak to her, I'm not going to speak to her again till we're both back at uni (in october), if things feel OK then. Thanks to Adapa, that sounds like a good idea with the letters, I wrote one a few days ago that was pretty raw and angry and that's already gone into the draw! At first I thought of her as a , but I don't think that's true. I think I am a good judge of character, and that tells she that she's not an awful person, just that she messed up really badly. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, or for her to be sad, I just hope she realises that she's made some bad decisions, and that she learns.

Thanks for all your help guys, I know I am ignoring a lot of it by confronting her, and that it probably won't help, but its just something I feel I need to do. All your tips for NC are greatly appreciated, and more are welcome!

[Cat1864]

You have to do what is right for you. In a few days and a calmer state of mind, you may decide to do something different.

No hard feelings if you do 'confront' her. At least, you will be going in prepared instead of thinking that it will really change anything. We'll still be here if you need the support and advice.

Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

First no you don't have any right to know any "truth" , she has ended it and that is it, the end.

All you do at this point is either be mature or end it poorly.
You have some desire to hear words from her that will not first make it better and only hurt more. And most likely say or do something you need not do

[Kitkat22]

I think maybe deep in your heart you still have hope there is a future for you and this girl. NC is the only way to get over her.

If you contact her in any way it the hurt will start all over again.

[ISneezeFunny]

Take it from a guy who was dumped for another guy.

You will NEVER find out the truth. Even after 2 years, my ex and I are decent friends, we have both found other people, and we chat to catch up every once in a while, and even then, I still don't get a straight answer.

[Kitkat22]

Why in the world do still want to know "the truth"? You need to stop this and get on with your life.

She isn't going to tell you truth.
She's out of your life and she is with someone else.

Let it go.. let her go.. You are so overthinking this issue. She lied.
Accept and move on.

[Adapa]

Thanks for all your help. I decided to take KyleS28's advice and sleep with all her friends.
Haha, don't worry, I'm not an idiot.

Seriously, im going to wait a few days until I feel lesss angry, then I'm gonna call her and confront her. Im well aware that this won't help things, that it will hurt, and that she'll probably lie to me again, but I'm sure she doesn't realise what she's done. Whether it will help or not, I feel I need to do this. It will improve her as a person and it will make her realise what she's done. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy. I know that she has treated me badly and been selfish, but I think she made mistakes, simple as that. I won't be able to forgive her for a long time, but I know i've been the better person.

I am feeling quite strong at the moment, largely thanks to your help. I know that sometimes life kicks you in the balls, and people can do awful things, but I know I'll get over it and I'll be ok. After I speak to her, I'm not going to speak to her again till we're both back at uni (in october), if things feel ok then. Thanks to Adapa, that sounds like a good idea with the letters, I wrote one a few days ago that was pretty raw and angry and thats already gone into the draw! At first I thought of her as a , but I don't think thats true. I think I am a good judge of character, and that tells she that she's not an awful person, just that she messed up really badly. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, or for her to be sad, I just hope she realises that she's made some bad decisions, and that she learns.

Thanks for all your help guys, I know I am ignoring a lot of it by confronting her, and that it probably won't help, but its just something I feel I need to do. All your tips for NC are greatly appreciated, and more are welcome!

Do you know what will happen? She will speak in tongues. Who care if she 'understands' what she has done. PEOPLE don't want to hear about THEIR mistakes, and WILL MOST LIKELY just laugh in your face. SHE WILL LEARN...

I N
T I M E
B Y
H E R
C R A P P Y
C H O I C E S
S H E
H A S
M A D E
A N D
W H E N
S H E
S E E S
Y O U
A L L
H A P P Y.

EVEN if you confront her about her "mistakes"..

TO

1. HER

...

SHE DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE BECAUSE IT WAS


HER CHOICES THAT SHE MADE

SO... how can it be HER bad choices if SHE made them? YOU..

Yes YOU. Believe they were BAD choices, but TO HER... SHE HAS MADE GOOD choices.

GO NC. LET THE DOG DIE.

[kingjim103]

I have decided that you are right. The more I think about it, the less important the truth seems. I know we had an amazing relationship, and it was the best 2 years of my life. I don't want to taint such a memory with a messy break-up. Sure, I have lost some respect for my ex, but everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions. In time, I know I'll be able to forgive that and maybe we'll be friends in a year or two!

Thank you for all your help. I am going NC. My target is to have no contact till September, and see how it goes from there.

[Kitkat22]

I have decided that you are right. the more I think about it, the less important the truth seems. I know we had an amazing relationship, and it was the best 2 years of my life. I don't want to taint such a memory with a messy break-up. Sure, I have lost some respect for my ex, but everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions. In time, I know I'll be able to forgive that and maybe we'll be friends in a year or two!

Thank you for all your help. I am going NC. My target is to have no contact till september, and see how it goes from there.

Keep us posted and good luck.:)

[kingjim103]

Hello everyone!

I haven't had any contact with my ex since earyl July, and its definitely helped a lot! But... I am not sure what to do next, at the start of September, we both go back to uni. We live 100m apart, we generally go to the same places and know a lot of the same people. So, it is inevitable that we will have to see each other at some point.

Would it be a good idea to meet intentionally when we're back to clear the air?

On another note, I have met someone else who I really like, but I feel like it would be unfair to act on my feelings. I am definitely not completely over my ex, and I won't be for a long time, but I do really like this girl. Do you think that if I am honest about my situation from the start, it could work?

Thanks again!

[vanheart]

I agree.

She disrespected you. No reason to show her any further respect.

NC.

Back to your studies, right?

[talaniman]

I think your best course of action is to do your own thing, the way you normally would, and be brief, polite, but generally unavailable for any deep, conversations about the past.

The need to clear the air and get some type of closure is only because of the history you had and how things transpired. Its over let it lie, and don't dwell on it any more, as why keep stirring those feelings up and wonder endlessly again about what she feels or if she thinks of you. Curiosity need not grow into something more than what it is, and you don't have to act on it, or be friends about anything, just to stroke egos. Let it go and leave it gone.

She made her choices already. What's air is there to clear?? NONE at all.

[vanheart]

Oh. BTW.

" am definately not completely over my ex, and I won't be for a long time"

"but I do really like this girl"

Don't get with another until you are over the last one.

That's not the way to heal.
Replacing someone with another. That's just cruel on both parts.

Is that what you want?