Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend broke up with me, do I need to know the truth?

Sorry this is so long!.
My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I was completely surprised and devastated. We were very close the whole time we had been together, and we were madly in love. About 2 months before we broke up, she met a guy who I was immediately suspicious of. They met in the library (we are both students) and went for a drink. She was honest with me about this so I didn't worry about it. She just said they got on well and were friends.
I accepted this, but I warned her that she should be careful, because guys don't usually ask random girls out for drinks just to be friends! She has always been a bit naïve in this sense.
Anyway, we carried on and I knew she saw a lot of this guy. I got a little suspicious but I trusted here. Then after a while when I asked what she had been up to I could tell she was lying to me. She'd quickly change subject when I asked about this guy and she didn't seem as committed or loving towards me as she had been. I asked her several times what was wrong. I gave her many opportunities to tell me what she was thinking and I told her I knew something was on her mind. She said everything was OK to start with, then one day she told me she was having doubts about our future. She said she wasn't sure we were outgoing enough, which annoyed me as she had glandular fever so I thought was unreasonable.

Moving on, when she told me this, I said that we could try to do more things individually as well as together, and that I didn't see it as a problem that couldn't be solved. She agreed. At first I felt like a weight had been lifted, but I soon realised that this wasn't really what had been on her mind. I continued to ask her what the problem was but she said there was no problem. Then, one day, a friend told me he'd seen her with this guy in the library having lunch every day and studying together. I confronted her and she said there was nothing going on. She then got overly protective of her phone. By this point I was convinced she was lying to me. I justified it myself to read through her messages. I know it was wrong but I felt I'd given her every opportunity to tell me the truth.

There were a lot from this guy, and he had openly confessed that he was falling in love with her. The fact she hadn't told me this hurt a lot, but I trusted that she wouldn't cheat on me. I gave her another opportunity to tell me about this guy's feelings for her and again she refused. So I admitted to reading her messages and I knew he was into her. We spoke for hours about it, and she said she didn't want to worry me and that she had no feelings for him. She offered to stop contacting him and I accepted, thinking that would solve any problems.

This time I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and that we could return to how out relationship had been previously. However, as time went on, she would see him now and again. I didn't mind the occasional bumping into each other so I didn't say anything. With time, she seemed to see him more and more, and when I asked, she said that she thought I didn't mind. I told her that I didn't want to stop her having a social life but that I thought seeing this guy would damage our relationship. Anyway, we were getting on well again, and then she broke up with me. She said it was because we were too similar, not outgoing enough, etc. I was completely heart broken. The first two weeks were horrible, I couldn't believe she would end our relationship without giving it more of a chance. We hadn't spent much time together recently due to exams, and she broke up with me just as we had time to see each other.

This was around a month ago. A few days ago, I went onto hotmail on my computer(my account that I hardly ever use) and she had saved her password from when she had used it months ago. My curiosity got the better of me, and I read some of her incoming Facebook messages (Icouldn't see anyting she had sent). Anyway, there were some from a mutual friend of ours, which said that he had told her that he liked her (my ex) but that she had decided she wanted to be with this library guy. There was no mention of me being considered in any of this, as if she had been weighing up these two other guys (one of which was a friend of mine who I trusted)for a while, without considering me into the equation. An email from this other guy saud that he was missing her too etc.

This completely devastated me and I don't know what to do. Should I call her and ask her to tell me the truth and the real reasons she broke up with me? We both said we wanted to stay friends, and we've spoken a couple of times since we broke up, but I feel this changes everything. I am not sure I could be friends with someone who could do this. What really hurts is that she knew I was having a horrible time coming to terms with the break up, and that I couldn't understand why she had done it without giving me a chance, yet she just left me to try and get my head around it when she was lying the whole time.

Sorry for ranting so much, its pretty complicated. I don't know whether to confront her and find out the truth (which means admitting I read her emails, and may jeapordise any chance of friendship, as well as hurting a lot), or to ignore all this and just pretend it didn't happen?
Any advice? Thank you!

I would leave it as the past and move on. Perhaps going as far as using No Contact because I don't think you are going to be able to be friends with her for a long time whether you know the 'truth' or not.

I would also think about getting a new friend if he was making a play for your girlfriend WHILE you were together. Was this the same friend who told you he had seen her with library guy?

No Contact means exactly that absolutely No Contacting the ex or accepting contact from the ex. It gives you time and space to come to terms with your feelings and to let them go. Once you do, it may be clearer to you that you don't want to be with someone who seems to have used you as a safety net while she moved on.

Thanks for your response. The friend that told me about the library guy was not the same one, no. But I agree that he is no longer my friend. I think he told my ex he liked her towards the end of the relationship, and now it seems she had probably already decided to break up with me by this point, and told my friend. Ie- he knew we were breaking up. It doesn't excuse what he did, but he is not the one I'm angry with!

I have thought about NC and I think it will be the best way. But I also feel I need to release all this anger by telling her how she has made me feel. I think she lied to me about the reasons for breaking up to ease her own guilt, and so she didn't look bad and could stay friends with me and use me again when she needed someone. I want her to realise what she has done, and that she can't treat people like this, but I don't know whether I will regret it in the future? I definitely agree when you say she used me as a safety net.

It is so strange how someone you thought of as the most amazing person in the world who wouldn't hurt a fly, could cause so much pain.

Cat1864 is right - you need to leave it alone and not contact her anymore.

I know it's tough, but releasing your rage on her won't solve anything at all.

Move on, heal and then find someone trustworthy to have in your life.

Jim, she' not the one for you. She's lied, cheated, and totally discounted your feelings. No one should have to put up with such disrespect from someone who said that they "loved" you.

Move on, and learn from this. Most times, if your gut tells you that a relationship is inappropriate, then it is. This guy has horned in on your girl, and now she's gone. I say good riddance to her. There are nice girls out there who know what a commitment is. You'll be fine soon.

No more checking up on her. Don't give her a second thought.

Good luck buddy.

The main problem I have always seen with confronting the ex is that you keep the lines of communication open and it just creates more negative feelings than it releases. It can turn simple break up into dramatic nightmare.

You might try writing down your feelings and then destroying the paper. It can get them out, but not increase the drama.

She seems to be well on her way to burning her own bridges. Don't rebuild this one just to start another fire. Your silence should speak volumes in itself.

OK, thank you everyone for your advice. I'm going to wait and see how I feel in a few days. I know calling her would be a mistake, but I'm considering maybe writing her a letter just saying that I won't be contacting her for a while and explaining why I don't think we can be friends, at least for a long time. Would that be a good idea? I feel like I need to do something to put a full-stop on our relationship so I can try and move on. Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingjim103

but I'm considering maybe writing her a letter just saying that I won't be contacting her for a while and explaining why I don't think we can be friends, at least for a long time.

You would be opening the door for her to try to 'explain' her side of the story or what could end up feeling worse is if she didn't try. You may not be wanting a reply, but it is human nature to want a response when we open ourselves up like that.

Give yourself some time. Maybe write it out just to get it out of your system and decide later what to do with it. I always like the grill and a lighter.

I agree with Cat, another problem with trying to communicate in an effort to get the "root cause" is that it rarely comes out. Girls (even guys) very rarely reveal why they broke up with you, it is always the same vague, and cliché "we are too similar", "we are too different". Perhaps in long run, she will tell you, but I am sorry to say that in the immediate terms, the real reasons will not come out. I know you are hurting, and the dumpee always has that "why" question, but does it really matter why? Look at her actions, and that should be enough to tell you that regardless of why, this relationship was not meant to be.

Don't contact her at all. Writing her a letter, is just telling her you care. She has moved on, and she was never upfront and honest with you. Hanging on is giving you false hope at this point. You need to concentrate on yourself. When we get hurt in a relationship, we grow and get stronger. You can't be friends now, it's way too soon. Way too many emotions flying around inside of you. You have to let her go for now. Keep busy! Good luck.

Thanks for all the help. From reading what I wrote and your reactions, I've realised how badly she treated me, and its obvious that she isn't the person she used to be. I'm going to see how I feel in a weeks time, but I'm thinking NC is the only way to go. I just have a tiny part of me that wants to make her aware of how much she's hurt me, but I can't see how that can do any good.

I'm trying to stay positive, trying to think of it as she gave me the best 3 yrs of my life, and now that's over I will move on and find different opportunities and meet new people. The fact it ended in a horrible way just means that I have no hope of us getting back together, so I can draw a linea and get on with my life.

Thanks again, you've all helped so much.

Keep yourself busy and give yourself opportunities to do new things and meet new people.

Good luck.

I agree! Let her wonder how you are doing, how you are feeling, and what you know! Don't give her the courtesy of letting her know. She has not asked, so she may not care at this time. She does not want to feel like a bad guy, so it might make things worse to talk to her. Let her wonder... makes her think of you more! She KNOWS YOU ARE HURT! AND ANGRY! No need to tell her. You can tell her you are going No Contact by just not contacting her. She will wonder why you are not talking to her! That is the most empowering way to have the control! You sound like a great guy who let her be herself and you trusted her. You don't owe her anything at this point! Just a nice life when you move on... that is what you owe her. :)

And no, you don't need to know the truth. The truth is... she is not wanting to be in a relationship with you... and the truth is... you deserve better right now. :)

visit her Facebook page and sleep with as many of her friends as possible. Start with the ones that post on her wall the most frequently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleS28

visit her facebook page and sleep with as many of her friends as possible. start with the ones that post on her wall the most frequently.

If this weren't an opinion, I would be officially Disagreeing with it.

As it is, this is juvenile behavior at its worse. Both the thought and the post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

If this weren't an opinion, I would be offically Disagreeing with it.

As it is, this is juvenile behavior at its worse. Both the thought and the post.

He can either listen to your advice and be crying alone on the floor after a night of slap and tickle for months or he can enjoy his options like his ex has been doing. What's her Facebook name? I'll pick out her friends for you and I might even pick out a few friends for me too!

Everyone likes to say focus on yourself. Go out and enjoy life and take up a hobby. How fun is roller blading while thinking about your ex? How fun is running while thinking about your ex? How fun is playing tennis while thinking about your ex? How fun is cooking a new recipe, visiting a comedy club, and scrapbooking while thinking about your ex?

The real question is how much fun is it with your ex's Facebook friends while thinking about veronica, molly, stephanie, or whoever else you're looking forward to meeting from her friends list? Its great! Be honest with them. Show your confidence. Tell them they would never have a chance with you but you are currently vulnerable and have lowered your standards. If this works with 5% of her friends and she has over 1000 friends then that is 50 women! If she doesn't have over 1000 friends, what were you doing with this unpopular loner to begin with? Be thankful she didn't spend all of your money on donuts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleS28

visit her facebook page and sleep with as many of her friends as possible. start with the ones that post on her wall the most frequently.

If the op was a teenage boy I can see how this advice might appeal,but since he's a grown man,I'm sure he will realise this advice will not serve him.

To the op.

The feelings your having are all normal,the hurt,anger,sadness,its all part and parcel of breaking up.

At the end of the day she is an adult and made her choice to end the relationship,now you can make a decision as to how you deal with it.

Yes,you can write her a letter,or vent in person,tell her how she hurt you,but what will you gain from it?

Closure is moving on and accepting the relationship is over,take what good came from it,learn from it and know that you will have other relationships.

The longer you hold on to the hurt and anger the slower your progress to heal will be.

Healing and moving on is the objective,achieving your degree and loving a great life is the goal.

Quote:

I'll pick out her friends for you and I might even pick out a few friends for me too!

Well aren't you a doll? You're just the type of guy every prostitute, I mean girl, wants to date. Just so kind, so wonderful. Where's the sarcasm font? :(

Quote:

tell them they would never have a chance with you but you are currently vulnerable and have lowered your standards.

You must know a lot of really stupid slutty girls if this is what usually works on them. Sorry, none of those girls are on this thread, so you may want to be a bit wiser in your choice of words.

Kyle, I'm guessing that you're the type of guy that treats women like crap, thinks that being an a$$hole actually works, the whole Tucker Max mentality. Let me guess, your favorite book is "I hope they serve beer in hell". It's a great read, I've read it myself, very funny, and very unrealistic, but well written, a great piece of fluff. It's not a bible though, and the author isn't a God, so you may want to rethink who you should worship.

News flash. The only women this works on, are women that either get paid for sex, or have the IQ of a croissant. If that's what you want, go forth, conquer, spend your life alone going from one whore to the next.

To the OP, everyone else gave you excellent advice. You seem like a level headed person, which makes the pain of losing someone you allowed in all the more painful.

I know it's hard to move on, and I know no contact is a concept that is hard to put into place, but it works.

You won't feel better today, or tomorrow, probably no even next week or next month, but it will get better and there's no reason for you to become something you're not to do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleS28

visit her facebook page and sleep with as many of her friends as possible. start with the ones that post on her wall the most frequently.

This is my opinion: you're an idiot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleS28

i'll pick out her friends for you and i might even pick out a few friends for me too!

... just because you can't get laid on your own doesn't mean that you have to start scavenging on girls to "help someone out"

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleS28

he can either listen to your advice and be crying alone on the floor after a night of slap and tickle for months or he can enjoy his options like his ex has been doing. what's her facebook name? i'll pick out her friends for you and i might even pick out a few friends for me too!

everyone likes to say focus on yourself. go out and enjoy life and take up a hobby. how fun is roller blading while thinking about your ex? how fun is running while thinking about your ex? how fun is playing tennis while thinking about your ex? how fun is cooking a new recipe, visiting a comedy club, and scrapbooking while thinking about your ex?

the real question is how much fun is it with your ex's facebook friends while thinking about veronica, molly, stephanie, or whoever else you're looking forward to meeting from her friends list? its great! be honest with them. show your confidence. tell them they would never have a chance with you but you are currently vulnerable and have lowered your standards. if this works with 5% of her friends and she has over 1000 friends then that is 50 women! if she doesnt have over 1000 friends, what were you doing with this unpopular loner to begin with? be thankful she didnt spend all of your money on donuts.

Kyle any girl that has the misfortune to get with you I pity, and would assume she has a wooden leg and a guide dog, what a totally immature attitude you have towards relationships and females. All the OP will achieve by taking any notice of your advice is to send himself straight into relationship Hell...

The OP appears fairly level headed and at least 200% more mature than you could hope to be. OP don't take any notice of this advice its not even advice its disinformation...

I think my 4 yr old would know better.