[Lilywhite]

I have a friend from childhood I really love, but lately her behaviour towards me has really hurt me.

She lost her husband five years ago and has been grieving ever since. At first she didn´t contact me or any one of her friends for months, then reappeared and everything went back to normal. I figured it was her grief and that she wanted to be left alone. I asked her and she confirmed this.

After that we´ve been meeting regularly and our daughters play together. I´m talking about a really close contact. Then she drops us without any reason every other year. She did it a few months ago, when we wanted to come round with a present for her daughter´s birthday. She couldn´t be reached on a phone, and when I texted her and asked if everything was OK, she wrote me an e-mail telling me that she would not be in contact for a while.

The reason she gave was that she´s involved with refugees who have now started living with her because they have problems. It´s true, after her husband´s death, she has been in contact with refugees, helping them financially and legally.

I wonder what to do.

[JudyKayTee]

Support her - I was widowed. I "disappeared" for a year. My friends supported me, stayed in contact but respected my grief.

Maybe she is still grieving; maybe seeing you (presuming you are happily married) is more than she can handle; maybe she needs more time; maybe she has found other interests.

Grief is a funny thing - I have remarried, I am very happy and sometimes the memory of my late husband brings me to my knees. Maybe that's what she's going through.

It is still difficult for me to get together with people who were our mutual friends - maybe that's what's going on.

[Lilywhite]

I will gladly support her and have done for all these years, but she doesn´t realize how hurtful it is to be dropped with apparently no reason, disappearing for months at a time.

I know she surrounds herself with refugee people which she gives all her time and money, but I also believe some of them are taking advantage of her.

I find it so frustrating to be rejected all of a sudden that sometimes I feel I´m better off with some other friends I have neglected for her sake.

Friendship is very important to me, but in my mind, there has to be mutual trust.

[Alty]

I understand that you're hurt, but until you lose someone close to you, a husband, a child, you cannot hope to understand what she's going through.

I lost both my parents in 2001. I'm an only child. At first I clung to my friends, mainly because they didn't remind me of every day life with my parents. I steered clear of my Aunts and Uncles and other family because the memories of things done together with them and my parents was just too much.

Now, 9 years later, I only really have contact with a few of my relatives. Most of the others avoid me, because I remind them too much of my parents. Some of them I avoid because it's too hard to be around them.

Have patience. Try to understand what she's going through. True friendship is being there through thick and thin, good times and bad. If you can't handle the bad, then you should walk away. It's not always going to be gits and shiggles.

[JudyKayTee]

I will gladly support her and have done for all these years, but she doesn´t realize how hurtful it is to be dropped with apparently no reason, disappearing for months at a time.

I know she surrounds herself with refugee people which she gives all her time and money, but I also believe some of them are taking advantage of her.

I find it so frustrating to be rejected all of a sudden that sometimes I feel I´m better off with some other friends I have neglected for her sake.

Friendship is very important to me, but in my mind, there has to be mutual trust.

Mutual trust has nothing to do with this - there were stretches of time when I simply couldn't cope and dropped away from friends, family.

Whether anyone is taking advantage of her is for her to decide.

Have you lost a spouse? If not, and I say this kindly, you have no idea what is going on in her mind. If you see her grief as some sort of betrayal of your friendship there is nothing I can to explain myself any better than I already have.

She doesn't need your unhappiness added to her grief. It's as simple as that. If you can't understand - then the friendship (or whatever it was) is over. Your hurt feelings matter little at this time.

Alty, whose post is immediately before mine, is one of the people who listened and understood and suffered with me - yes, she lost parents, not a spouse, but we had similar grief. Please don't judge your friend or her actions.

[Lilywhite]

I understand you´ve both suffered losses and so have I. I lost my fiancé few months before our wedding. He killed himself. I also lost my son before he was born. I lost my father a short while ago.

I went through a very bad episode of grief, so I do understand it. I neglected friends - but at least I told them I wouldn´t be able to cope and asked for some time by myself.

I´m simply trying to discover if this friendship is good for me or not. Forget my feelings, but she´s hurting my younger daughter´s feeling by cutting her off without some explanation. I don´t know how to explain to her that my friend won´t talk to us and that she cannot give her daughter, who used to be her best friend, her birthday present. I don´t know what to tell my daughter.

I´m thinking I may be better off without this friend, because maybe I´m just enabling her behaviour. Just a guess. I need to think of my recovery as well and protect my daughter´s feeling.

[Alty]

Harshness alert.

You don't seem that concerned about your friend at all. This seems to be all about you.

I´m simply trying to discover if this friendship is good for me or not.

she´s hurting my younger daughter´s feeling by cutting her off without some explanation

I´m thinking I may be better off without this friend

I need to think of my recovery as well and protect my daughter´s feeling.

[Lilywhite]

Well, for now this question is about me and my feelings.

I´m trying to find out if this friendship is good for me or not.

Some neutral viewpoint would be appreciated.

[JudyKayTee]

Do your friend a favor - end the friendship once and for all.

We are all neutral here - the fact that we don't agree with you doesn't mean we aren't looking at this "question" with neutral eyes.

Your friend very well may have pulled away because your "friendship" is all about you - and she's well aware of it.

[Lilywhite]

Helpful advice is appreciated. Sarcastic comments and ignorance to the issue at hand is unwanted.

[JudyKayTee]

You post on a public board and ask opinions, that's exactly what you get. Please don't attempt to direct who will answer and in what manner.

Ignorance of this situation? I think we understand it very well. I understand it better now that I have seen you have relationship problems with any number of people in your life, including family and co-workers. Maybe they aren't the problem.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ml#post2016279

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ml#post2148769

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ml#post2195712

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/workpl...ml#post1845786

[Alty]

Helpful advice is appreciated. Sarcastic comments and ignorance to the issue at hand is unwanted.

I haven't seen anyone be sarcastic, or ignorant to the issue at hand.

Obviously you don't like our advice. I'm sorry about that, but it doesn't make our advice wrong.

So far everyone that's posted has said basically the same thing, given basically the same advice. Why do you think that is? Not one person has said "Poor you, what a horrible friend", because that's not how we feel about your situation.

We've all experience loss in our lives, and we're looking at this situation from that point of view. Right now, your friend needs someone that is on her side, someone that's there for her when she needs it, and leaves her alone when she needs that. For you, it's all about you, not your friend. You're only thinking about how this all affects you.

Is this friend worth your time and effort? Well, here's the reality, I don't think you've put in as much effort as you think you have. You resent the fact that she's not handling her grief the way you want her to. You resent the fact that she sometimes needs to be alone, not have her friends around.

I think it's best for you to walk away from all of this. The next time she calls, just be honest, tell her that a friendship with her is simply too much work for you, that you're not getting enough out of the friendship so you want it to end.

Again, I'm sorry that we didn't say what you wanted to hear. I know that the truth is often no easy to absorb, or to grasp. No one wants to hear that they're the problem, not the other person.