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positiveparent · Jun 24, 2010, 04:17 PM

Yes It's a nice poem, I would go back and change the u though to you...

JMO

I see you've already changed it.

positiveparent · Jun 24, 2010, 04:39 PM

You could also try breaking it down into smaller sections.

Try to keep each section about same amount of lines..

There are also a couple of typos you need to correct, but overall it's a good poem.

aleeyafgy · Jun 24, 2010, 04:41 PM

Okay thanks

pandead · Jun 24, 2010, 04:52 PM

A few typos still, another "u" and "abut", maybe punctuation to accentuate the meaning...

And the way I talk to you it's like I can tell you anything hoping that
You will understand and you that's one thing I love about you if need
Help with something you try your best to help and plus you actually
Listening to me not like all the other guys I know.

I'm not a native english speaker so maybe I'm wrong (we use commas a lot in french but you guys don't seem to like it, hehe) but something seems weird to me here, especially with time concordance - this, if you want to follow the rules, of course. I underlined where I think it sounds unusual, others may help better but you might want to take a look...

Just Dahlia · Jun 24, 2010, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by aleeyafgy

My love for you is so hard to describe but I want you to know
How I really feel about you I think it's time u should know.
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

When you tell me you love me I get this kind of feeling
That I never got with any other guy that I know.
That feeling is like so hard to describe but I will try
For you, it's like butterflies in my stomach flying all over
In my stomach and then this big smile comes on my face just
To know that you love me too and you care for me.
I know you're not by my side but I feel like you are when we talk
And the way I talk to you it's like I can tell you anything hoping that
You will understand and you that's one thing I love abut you if need
Help with something you try your best to help and plus you actually
Listening to me not like all the other guys I know.
Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a song,
Love is what I feel for you,
Each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can't control,
So remember when I first started to talk to you,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.
That's how my love is but there is more and more feels every
Day that I know you.

i wrote this for a guy that i love can you guys tell me if i am missing anything or it is good.

OK, I'm going with get rid of that 1st 'like' it doesn't seem necessary. Punctuation is a must because the second part was harder to read than the first.
It is however very beautiful and no matter what, he will understand what you are saying:)

positiveparent · Jun 24, 2010, 05:08 PM

If it helps I could copy and paste it and make the alterations needed, but that's got to be your choice, I am merely offering constructive crticism, but still think overall its good..

Let me know if you would like me to do as is offered here Please.

positiveparent · Jun 24, 2010, 05:32 PM

Ive made a few alterations for you, if you don't like them you don't have to take any notice of them,this is how I would lay it out.

As stated you can ignore all changes I have made..

You need to give it a title.

My love for you is so hard to describe however;
I want you to know how I really feel about you
I think it's time you should know
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
To the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
The touch of your fingers on my skin,
The feel of your heart beating with mine,
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
With anyone other than you.

When you tell me you love me I get this feeling
I never felt with any other guy that Ive known
That feeling is so hard to describe,
I will try though for you;
It's like butterflies in my stomach flying all over it,
Then this big smile comes across my face
Just knowing that you love me, that you care for me too,
I know you're not by my side but it feels like you are when we talk
The way I can talk to you it's like I can tell you anything
That you will understand, another thing I love about you
If I need help with something you try your best to help
You actually listen to me unlike other guys Ive known.

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a song,
Love is what I feel for you, every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is a great emotion, that keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart, my body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving you, it's a love I can't control,
From when I first started to talk to you,
Ive loved you with all my heart,
I have poured my entire soul into you, right from the very start,
This is how my love is but there is much more
It feels every day that I know you more...

This is a rough draft.

Just Dahlia · Jun 24, 2010, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by ;

you need to give it a title.

I agree with this:)

Just Dahlia · Jun 24, 2010, 08:17 PM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Ive made a few alterations for you, if you dont like them you dont have to take any notice of them,this is how I would lay it out.

As stated you can ignore all changes I have made..

you need to give it a title.

My love for you is so hard to describe however;
I want you to know how I really feel about you
I think it's time you should know
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
the feel of your heart beating with mine,
knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

When you tell me you love me I get this feeling
I never felt with any other guy that Ive known
that feeling is so hard to describe,
I will try though for you;
it's like butterflies in my stomach flying all over it,
then this big smile comes across my face
just knowing that you love me, that you care for me too,
I know you're not by my side but it feels like you are when we talk
the way I can talk to you it's like I can tell you anything
that you will understand, another thing I love about you
if I need help with something you try your best to help
you actually listen to me unlike other guys Ive known.

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a song,
Love is what I feel for you, each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is a great emotion, that keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart, my body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving you, its a love I can't control,
from when I first started to talk to you,
Ive loved you with all my heart,
I have poured my entire soul into you, right from the very start,
this is how my love is but there is much more
it feels every day that I know you more...

this is a rough draft.

That was great:D and now I am in love with 'positiveparent', because when I read the poem he/she talked to me:rolleyes:
::kisses::;)

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 06:22 AM

LOL Just Dahlia Im female and thank you for the comments.

To the OP, is this poem for the person mentioned in your first post, the one who lives in a different state? If so have you found out his age yet, do you communicate in any other way, i.e. phone, email,

It won't hurt to send him your poem, however I would advise you not to get too into a person you've only interacted with online, others have already warned you of the dangers online relationships can have.

However don't give out too much of your personal details, don't tell him your address, or school or anything connected to where you live, ask him about himself, and make a note of what his answers are, then wait a week or 2 and ask him again, check his answers with first replies.

You say he seems to be your age, did you know predators act as if they're the same age as you they find out the latest trends and slang kids are using in order to pretend they're the same age.

Be very very careful, don't ever agree to meet him alone, its quite possible this person could be lying to you, however he could be genuine, you'll need to discreetly find out. Just be very careful of what you disclose about yourself and your family.

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Ive made a few alterations for you, if you dont like them you dont have to take any notice of them,this is how I would lay it out.

As stated you can ignore all changes I have made..

you need to give it a title.

My love for you is so hard to describe however;
I want you to know how I really feel about you
I think it's time you should know
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
the feel of your heart beating with mine,
knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

When you tell me you love me I get this feeling
I never felt with any other guy that Ive known
that feeling is so hard to describe,
I will try though for you;
it's like butterflies in my stomach flying all over it,
then this big smile comes across my face
just knowing that you love me, that you care for me too,
I know you're not by my side but it feels like you are when we talk
the way I can talk to you it's like I can tell you anything
that you will understand, another thing I love about you
if I need help with something you try your best to help
you actually listen to me unlike other guys Ive known.

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a song,
Love is what I feel for you, each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is a great emotion, that keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart, my body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving you, its a love I can't control,
from when I first started to talk to you,
Ive loved you with all my heart,
I have poured my entire soul into you, right from the very start,
this is how my love is but there is much more
it feels every day that I know you more...

this is a rough draft.

Suggestions for a title:

Long Distance Love *
My Online Love
Stateside Love

* is my preference...

aleeyafgy · Jun 25, 2010, 11:36 AM

Wow thanks for helping me out I love the way you did it the way you did it , I have learn a new way and I will keep doing what you do.

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 11:40 AM

Thank You and Im happy to help you anytime you need someone.

I hope the b/f likes the poem.

Also please let me know what you decide to name the poem.

aleeyafgy · Jun 25, 2010, 11:41 AM

Okay I hope he likes it too. I was thinking of naming it MY LOVE FOR YOU, Or do you have better if you can help with that too.

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 11:44 AM

Your choice for a title is fine.

I did make a few suggestions these are my suggestions.

Suggestions for a title:

Long Distance Love *
My Online Love
Stateside Love

* is my preference...

I have sent you a PM message about this, you might want to check that.

aleeyafgy · Jun 25, 2010, 11:45 AM

Oh I like Long Distance Love thanks.

aleeyafgy · Jun 25, 2010, 11:48 AM

I have a Question Do you think long distance relationship work out even if we can't see each other or anything. Because we are young. I am only 15. And he is too.

aleeyafgy · Jun 25, 2010, 11:58 AM

I understand that. But this is someone elsa that I no over 4 Years he use to live her but he moved. When everyone told me all those things I stop talking to the other guy because I don't want get hurt or anything.