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sherrybug72 · Jun 20, 2010, 04:32 PM

I am writing to ask for help for my daughter and her father. I am divorced from her father and have remarried, as has her father.

They have not spoken in a year. A year ago they had a heated talk and she said some things to him that he didn't want to here. She had allowed things to build up for a long time. She said that she was not sorry for what she said to him, but she was sorry for the way she delivered it.

We have an older daughter, which is just like him. They are selfish self centered people. They get along very well, but the daughter I am writing about is more like me. I have wondered if that is part of their relationship problem.

All she wants is to find a way to have some kind of relationship with her father. It is tearing her apart. She has said that all she wants is him to say he was sorry.

Please help!

Cat1864 · Jun 20, 2010, 05:07 PM

Has she tried apologizing to him for her part in the argument?

She may have to accept that he might never apologize or feel like he should. As hard as it might be for her, she needs to let the hurt go on her end and allow herself to heal. She can't control his actions, but she can control her own.

She may have to decide if pride and an apology are worth more than relationship with her father if she is the one keeping the silence going. If he is the one, then all she can do is is let him know she is willing to communicate with him and go about her own life.

Good luck.

talaniman · Jun 20, 2010, 06:47 PM

I have seen it take years for family members to get over the pain, they have kept inside for a long time. Some never do.

I think they both should take all the time they need to heal their own hurts, and maybe one day they can come together. All you can do is console, and encourage, because its up to them to put the past behind them, and find a way to build a relationship with each other.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 20, 2010, 07:22 PM

If she really wants to try to gain a relationship with her dad, she should say she is sorry for her part of it, not expecting him ever to say he is sorry.
OR
Even just start talking or calling him, and start acting like everything is just OK ( often a guy thing)

Waiting for him to say he is sorry may never happen.

sherrybug72 · Jun 20, 2010, 07:49 PM

She has not tried to apologize. She can't seem to get up enough nerve to call or see him. She is afraid she will get upset again.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 20, 2010, 08:12 PM

Often the only way we can move ahead is take some risks. Why waste years in worry about what could happen if you did something, would it be any worst than doing nothing

JoeCanada76 · Jun 20, 2010, 09:48 PM

It sounds like it should be in the fathers court. Your daughter was honest and told her father the truth. He could not deal with it.

It may be upsetting but she will not be able to change him. Do you not think it is better that she is more like you. Why would you want a daughter that is self centered. Her father is like that and that could be very small part of the reason why they do not get a long.

Your daughter might be hurt but as others said relationships could take many years to resolve. Even some people do not resolve issues or problems until that person is on their death bed.

I think at 22 she and YOU, need to stop worrying about her relationship with her father and just start living her own life as an adult and do her own thing and try to make the best of her life without the influences and problems from the father.

Or you...

Cat1864 · Jun 21, 2010, 06:31 AM

Originally Posted by sherrybug72

She has not tried to apologize. She can't seem to get up enough nerve to call or see him. She is afraid she will get upset again.

I think she has her answer for right now. Someday, maybe the love and desire to connect with her father will over-ride the hurt and anger still lurking in the background.

Perhaps just sending a card might be for the best if she wants to extend an olive branch.

sherrybug72 · Jun 22, 2010, 06:27 PM

I appreciate what you have said. When I stated that the problem may be due to my daughter being more like me, I meant the problem is with my ex-husband having issue with her being like me. I am glad she is more like me. I'm not perfect by all means, but I do try to put others before myself and I have tried to do right by my daughter.

The only reason I am concerned for her relationship with her father is she is so upset about it. I don't bring it up, but when she does, I feel like as her mother, I should try to guide her the best that I can. I have tried not to influence my daughter with the feelings I have for her father.

I have always been respectful of him being her father and until she became an adult, she didn't know how I felt about him, or what I had to deal with being married to him. I wanted her to see the truth for herself, not through my feelings.

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

It sounds like it should be in the fathers court. Your daughter was honest and told her father the truth. He could not deal with it.

It may be upsetting but she will not be able to change him. Do you not think it is better that she is more like you. Why would you want a daughter that is self centered. Her father is like that and that could be very small part of the reason why they do not get a long.

Your daughter might be hurt but as others said relationships could take many years to resolve. Even some people do not resolve issues or problems until that person is on their death bed.

I think at 22 she and YOU, need to stop worrying about her relationship with her father and just start living her own life as an adult and do her own thing and try to make the best of her life without the influences and problems from the father.

Or you...

sherrybug72 · Jun 22, 2010, 06:30 PM

I agree. All I want is for her to be happy.

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think she has her answer for right now. Someday, maybe the love and desire to connect with her father will over-ride the hurt and anger still lurking in the background.

Perhaps just sending a card might be for the best if she wants to extend an olive branch.

sherrybug72 · Jun 22, 2010, 06:34 PM

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help. Basically everything you have said confirms what I have tried to do. Sometimes you are afraid you may have stirred someone in the wrong directions due to your own feelings. Bless you all!

Originally Posted by sherrybug72

I am writing to ask for help for my daughter and her father. I am divorced from her father and have remarried, as has her father.

They have not spoken in a year. A year ago they had a heated talk and she said some things to him that he didn't want to here. She had allowed things to build up for a long time. She said that she was not sorry for what she said to him, but she was sorry for the way she delivered it.

We have an older daughter, which is just like him. They are selfish self centered people. They get along very well, but the daughter I am writing about is more like me. I have wondered if that is part of their relationship problem.

All she wants is to find a way to have some kind of relationship with her father. It is tearing her apart. She has said that all she wants is him to say he was sorry.

Please help!

Cat1864 · Jun 22, 2010, 08:00 PM

It sounds like you are doing your best to be a supportive mother. This is one of those things that she will ultimately have to come to terms with on her own.

May you both have a happier future.