[fireguy40]

Hi folks I found this board a few weeks ago and have been avidly reading as much as I can and I've found it so helpful.
The following may well be a long ramble and not make much sense but please bear with me and all help is taken with thanks.

My story is a definite case of how not to do things now I'm in such a state I have even made an appointment to see someone tomorrow for some help.

My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. But as a quick bit of history for you we have been friends for 10 years and talked about everything, used to go to see films and go for drinks etc. But never anything physical maybe the odd hand hold but that was it. We often drifted apart for a while if either one of us got in a relationship but would still talk and email occasionally. And to be fair I think I have always loved this girl.

18 months ago we finally got it together and things were going great, I had never been happier we talked on msn all day, and all night was great to ;-) I work shifts so even on a night shift she would stay up and chat to me and I would always call her to let her know I was safe after a job.

Her daughter and I got on well and as I was often up I used to make her daughter breakfast and often took her to school.

She has had some major family issues over the years and six months ago found out she was losing her job, she entered a period of depression and finally sought out help.

Our relationship began to struggle, the physical aspect cooled but I was OK with this as I understood what was going on, but everything else was still great.

6 weeks ago she said she wasn't happy was in a bad place and needed to be on her own, she still loved me and wanted me in her life and would always need me. I suggested we could fight this as a unit but she was adamant that she needed to be alone.

I have learnt now that I should have gone NC but I wanted to help, I loved her so much and had even bought a ring a few weeks prior and was going to ask her to marry me on her birthday.

We still talked everyday and she invited me over for my birthday we hung out had a meal and all was good, I chatted to her daughter (who still wasn't aware of the situation) and we all had a good time.

Over the next few days she cooled right off and like a fool instead of going away I carried on chatting to her, but also made the fatal mistake of speaking to her bro in law and her best friend about the situation.

I never revealed anything personal or was nasty about her in any way, rather only what could I do to help.

This really angered her and she was pissed that I had spoken to people behind her back, I calmly explained that I was only trying to understand the situation and was fighting for her but this didn't help at all, I also made the flaw of explaining that I would never hurt her and as I loved her so much I had even bought a ring but knew now that there was no need.

Over the next week I text a couple of times and got no reply. I went to a really bad place and started to drink lots! (I have never really been a drinker) for 2 weeks. In this period her sister asked me how I was and I told her I wasn't to good had been drinking a bit too much and felt bad over everything that had happened and that was all.

next thing I know I'm in trouble for talking again even though she wasn't mentioned and now I'm blocked from her Facebook page and she wouldn't talk to me.

On Monday she got in touch we talked over msn for an hour or two and she was still cross, and even played the line which hurt the most that she would have come back to me but I pushed her away.
I was hurting at this point and probably pleaded a bit too much :D she told me she hated me and the friendship was gone too. Her sign off was take care, drink isn't the answer x

So I guess its all my fault and I have ruined everything. I miss her so much and really miss her daughter too even though I have no right to,

I have been NC now for a week

[elle90]

I wouldn't say it's your fault and I think she knows this. As hard as it is to back off, she needs time and space so bless her with that. I am pretty sure she will calm down and come to you when she is ready, I have been in similar situations before and I know how hard it is but it always works out for the best.

Maybe there is something else going on she doesn't want you to know or maybe feels ashamed? Just give her space, she knows you care and so does her family. Be patient and strong :)

[I wish]

First of all, you need to understand why you're in NC in the first place. Check out the NC related threads to help, but to clarify, you need to go into NC in your situation because she wants to break up, but you still want to get back together, so you're living with false hope.

We have no idea if she ever wants to get back with you. But you obviously hope so. So you're trying to linger around, hoping to be as available to her as possible so that you can jump right in when she gives the signal.

You've already made your feelings clear, but she's also clear about her feelings. She doesn't want you in her life. Respect her wishes and back off.

No contact is for you to heal from your pains. Once you've healed completely, you will be more objective about your situation. Talking to the people around her about your problems is not going to change the bottom line.

The bottom line is if she wanted to repair this relationship, she would work with you. But she doesn't. You need to learn to accept her feelings before you can move forward. Asking for a break, is virtually a break up. Two reasons: (1) asking for a break is another way of letting someone down easy; (2) even if she wanted to come back to you, who knows when she will ask for another break, the trust is shaken, if you can't repair the damage that caused you to have that break in the first place, then getting back together will only blow up again.

It's extremely difficult to recover from a break, unless BOTH people involved are extremely committed to making it work. She's obviously lost all interest and who knows if she will ever get it back. At least she knows how you feel, so the ball is on her side of the court.

Furthermore, no contact in your situation is so that you don't have anymore false hope. You need to get her out of your system. Pretend as though she doesn't even exist. Don't get any updates about her life. The more material you have about her, the more things you'll have to dwell on, the longer it will take to recover.

While you're recovering, this is a good time to focus on yourself. Learn from the past experience. Do things to better yourself.

[redhed35]

I think it's a positive step your taking by seeing a professional tomorrow,my hunch is she heard about your drinking and was concerned,however,from your post it would seem she has made herself perfectly clear in what she wants.

Continue no contact,see the councillor,stop drinking and start on the road to healing.

Breakups always hurt,you miss the routine,the affection,and the plans that you made.

For some reading material,I recommend the stickies in the relationship forum,look out for 'friend4u' 'kctiger' and 'i wish', their posts are inspiring.

[fireguy40]

Thanks guys, I maybe should have made it clear though that I'm using no contact to help heal me I have finally realised and begun to accept that we won't get back together or even speak, and as tough as it is I understand this is what is best for me.I need to repair myself and get out of this funk,

[I wish]

thanks guys, i maybe should have made it clear though that im using no contact to help heal me i have finally realised and begun to accept that we wont get back together or even speak, and as tough as it is i understand this is what is best for me.i need to repair myself and get out of this funk,

Sounds good!

So what's your question?

[fireguy40]

I guess you already answered it, I was just hurting and confused about the break up, and maybe wanted a bit of support that no contact might help heal me

[Homegirl 50]

I agree with redhed35 but I have to spread some rep.

Do the counseling this will help you a great deal. Continue with NC.
She is no doubt angry, she asked for space and you did all you could to stay in her space.
In the meantime, look after yourself, stop drinking, stay away from conversations with her family... heal

[redhed35]

There is always support here,your doing well and on the right track,don't doubt yourself.

Everyone has to find their own through.

You can update your post,ask questions,and also answer other questions if you feel you can help,its always good to help out another person.

[Homegirl 50]

there is always support here,your doing well and on the right track,dont doubt yourself.

Everyone has to find their own through.

You can update your post,ask questions,and also answer other questions if you feel you can help,its always good to help out another person.

Ditto!

[floaton]

You should've backed off earlier but there's no use in regrets. What you're doing now is good. Give her space and maybe over time the wounds will heal and you can finally start again.
It sounds like you guys are perfect for each other and that she really cares about you but some mountains you have to climb alone. This is her obstacle and she doesn't need it to be any more difficult.
In my opinion... there's still hope. Just don't get obsessed.

[fireguy40]

Thanks guys, I know I became an ex from hell and pretty classless hense why I'm going to get professional help. We will have to see how the next few months works out for me so I can begin to be normal again

[Homegirl 50]

Keep us posted

[fireguy40]

Quick update for you all, but firstly thanks for the replies.

Its been two weeks of no contact on either side and my head is getting better so I guess this is the best thing to happen for me .
Its still tough and I'm full of regret for my actions but I'm back at the gym and not drinking anymore and have almost begun to sleep again.
Had my first session with the head dr and it went well. We are just trying to work out why I acted like a loser, had a melt down and pushed so hard but its still very early days

[redhed35]

I'm glad to hear it s going well.the journey of self discovery is a long and scary road,but one that reaps endless rewards.

Knowing how and why you react in situations will help give you the tools to cope with similar situations.

Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical,again well done for taking control.

[fireguy40]

Yeah I'm learning that now, I've been learning some coping strategies that overcome some major issues I have had in the past. I also discovered I may be suffering some ptsd due to a very messy fatal incident at work involving a group of kids that came the day before the breakup.

Each day gets better but its still hard to adjust to nc and not try to explain myself, oh well another day ticked off.

[redhed35]

You doing really well,baby steps,do one thing at a time,this is a process,and there's no quick fix.

[talaniman]

It's a cinch if you take it by the inch, its hard when you take it by the yard.

Just get through today, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. In time it gets better.

[fireguy40]

Cheers guys, that's the plan, I realise I may have projected a lot of issues from the kids dying onto the break up and missing her daughter as I never got to say goodbye
. This counselling helps but damn is it expensive lol

[fireguy40]

Another session done feeling pretty good. Although still a bit gutted to learn from reading here, that her needing space probably means that she had met someone else, oh well onwards and upwards