[carolyn4863]

I know I've put this in the marriage category, but it seemed like the most relevant. My boyfriend went on a works night out last Sunday. We have been together for 4 years and have one child together and I have one from a previous relationship. My mum had the kids for me that night and where he was going would cost him about £20 to get home in a taxi and we're a bit stuck for money at the moment. I told him to give me a ring and I'd come and pick him up when he was ready (2:30am but I didn't mind, it saved us money and he hardly ever goes out). He came home and everything is fine until Thursday. A video appears of him on Facebook. He's not shy and has been prone to get his bum out a bit. In this video however, he is dancing and a woman (his colleagues wife) walks up behind him and lifts the back of his shirt and points to his bum. He smiles at her, just a polite sort of smile I think. Then she comes over towards the person taking the video (her husband) and then goes back and does it again but has a quick tug on his jeans. He reacts by lifting the back of his shirt (still dancing) and starts shaking his bum towards her before pulling down the back of his jeans and sort of girating his bum in her direction, then a bit after that he pulls up his jeans and goes and dances over at the other side. I am not in the slightest bit impressed. Am I overreacting? I've been really stressed out with one thing and another just recently and I don't know what to think.

[justcurious55]

I don't think I would be all that impressed either. But do you have any reason to think there's more to this incident than what you saw on the video? You did mention this woman did it in front of her husband. I can't imagine they would be so open about cheating, if they both were. Have you talked to him about it? If so, how did he react?

[Eileen G]

I can't say I'd be thrilled about the whole "getting his bum" out thing, but overall, the incident doesn't seem to be something for you to worry about. This was in public, he almost certainly knew there was a camera there, and he didn't start it. Would he have behaved any differently if you were in the room?

[Wondergirl]

i dont know what to think.

Were they all drinking ale, hard stuff, or just lemonade?

[QLP]

Sounds like drunken high-jinx rather than anything too serious. You say he's prone to get his bum out and rarely goes out so he probably just got a bit carried away with silliness rather than anything actually sexual.

Having said that if it makes you feel uncomfortable you have a right to tell him so. Discuss it with him but I wouldn't be accusing him of anything other than what you actually saw.

[carolyn4863]

Thanks for your replies guys, it was a drunken night out. I am 99% sure he has never cheated on me and never would.

We've discussed this all tonight because I've been cold towards him since this. He's a silly drunk but what I want to know is why this woman thought that it was OK to go up to him and start doing that stuff anyway and why he didn't just move away or tell her that she was out of order rather than egging her on? He just gave her what she wanted. I do feel like our relationship was obviously pushed aside to him that night. And he's admitted how furious he would be if it was the other way round.

I'm more annoyed at her, and the guy that took the video knowing that we were in a relationship with 2 kids and then spreading it across the internet! Maybe I'm just using him to vent my frustration a bit because I can't have a go at her - I don't actually know her. I'm not really sure what I'm doing to be honest.

[Eileen G]

She thought it was all right because he's "prone to get his bum out". She's probably seen him do it before, or heard about it. To her, it was probably in the same category as getting someone to set their farts on fire or something equally juvenile. Has he ever got his bum out when you were around, and did you tell him it was out of order? If not, you have to realise there is a lot of blame to go around.

I'm not condoning him. If someone is a silly drunk, it's incredibly stupid to get drunk at a works party. That little episode will come back to haunt him and may well hurt his chance of getting promoted. What do you bet his boss got a good look at it the following morning?

If you want to get upset, I'd worry about that aspect a lot more than the relationship question.

[carolyn4863]

Thanks for your advice Eileen. I think I'm making this sound stupider and stupider as I go along.

It was one of his works colleague's leaving do. This was the first time this woman has met my boyfriend. He's explained that.

He has gotten his bum out when he's been with a group of lads all acting stupid, although not that I know of with his work mates because he never goes out with them. It was me that pushed him to go out because I'd recently had a night out with my friends and he never goes out.

Normally the bum incidents (lol) are when we are round at our neighbours (our neighbour is a 4yr old in a man's body as well). The bum thing doesn't normally happen around town.

The thing that got to me about this was that this woman that he barely knows is pulling at his clothes (why she thought this was acceptable with a man she only met a few hours before I have yet to find out) and rather than him telling her to back off or even just move away, he was egging her on. That is my whole problem in this. Why she acted like this, whether he did anything to make her think this was acceptable behaviour (not that I'm actually accusing him of anything, that's just a thought that's flying around in my head - although probably a stupid one) and why his reaction was to practically give her a lapdance.

Thankfully his boss wasn't out. It was supposed to be a lads night but it didn't end up that way.

[Wondergirl]

The thing that got to me about this was that this woman that he barely knows is pulling at his clothes (why she thought this was acceptable with a man she only met a few hours before i have yet to find out) and rather than him telling her to back off or even just move away, he was egging her on. That is my whole problem in this. Why she acted like this, whether he did anything to make her think this was acceptable behaviour (not that i'm actually accusing him of anything, that's just a thought that's flying around in my head - although probably a stupid one) and why his reaction was to practically give her a lapdance.

Heck, why not her. He didn't know her, would probably never see her again (or at least not soon), plus both were "relaxed" (drunk?) enough. Better her than someone from the office. Of course, he could have sat quietly at a table and played chess...

[carolyn4863]

Yeah but it's not like he was going to do it anyway. It's not something he just suddenly decided on. She initiated it by pulling on his clothes and I think he reacted inappropriately. Is that so wrong?

[Wondergirl]

Yeah but it's not like he was going to do it anyway. It's not something he just suddenly decided on. She initiated it by pulling on his clothes and i think he reacted inappropriately. Is that so wrong?

He made a mistake under extreme circumstance while not in his right mind. What he does and how he acts as a follow-up would tell me more about his character. He sounds like a good guy who should be given the benefit of the doubt. After all, he didn't even want to go to this party.

[jmjoseph]

He made a mistake under extreme circumstance while not in his right mind. What he does and how he acts as a follow-up would tell me more about his character. He sounds like a good guy who should be given the benefit of the doubt. After all, he didn't even want to go to this party.

I agree with this. He sounds like a good guy. But most importantly you sound like a good girlfriend, and mother I'm sure. Not every woman would go pick up their mate, at 2:30 in the morning, after a night out boozing it up. I'd give him the B.O.T.D. but make him know that this is not acceptable behavior for a man with a family. He probably already knows that.

[carolyn4863]

Now, in his opinion, he hasn't actually cheated so he's done nothing wrong. Inappropriate behaviour doesn't come into it. And just to put facts straight, he never said he didn't want to go, he mentioned it and I encouraged him to go since I'd been out a couple of weeks before and he'd not been out in a while.

[Wondergirl]

i encouraged him to go

Well, now. I guess it boils down to being all YOUR fault! :D

I'd forgive him and let it go. The video of it is what bothers me.

[carolyn4863]

The fact that there was something to be videoed is what bothers me. Then also the fact that his workmates who know he is in a long term relationship with kids spread it all over the internet but hey, it's all my fault so there's nothing for them to worry about.

[Wondergirl]

The fact that there was something to be videoed is what bothers me. Then also the fact that his workmates who know he is in a long term relationship with kids spread it all over the internet but hey, it's all my fault so there's nothing for them to worry about.

I wonder if they can be convinced to remove the video from the Internet and even destroy it. Others on there must look like fools too.

[jmjoseph]

HE didn't lift some woman's shirt. He was just the "object of admiration", and played along with it as a sport for his boss' wife.

I would be more upset with the wife.

[carolyn4863]

I'm quite honestly annoyed with all of them.

She's a colleague's wife so he didn't have to play along with anything, he chose to. I don't know the woman, and I never wish to meet her. And his colleague spread it on the internet.

The only person the video bothers is me. Thankfully my children are too young to understand. I've deactivated my Facebook account because I don't want to have to see that when I log in. It comes up on my homepage that he's been tagged in a video.

My boyfriend isn't bothered by it because he hasn't actually cheated on me, the fact I find it inappropriate and ever so slightly upsetting doesn't matter.

I know he hasn't cheated, I know he didn't start it, but he didn't have to carry it on and he obviously couldn't have thought that she was behaving inappropriately or he would have put an end to it himself at the time. I must just be tired and overstressed because I don't even know if I'm making any sense anymore.

[Wondergirl]

he didn't have to carry it on and he obviously couldn't have thought that she was behaving inappropriately or he would have put an end to it himself at the time. i must just be tired and overstressed because i dont even know if i'm making any sense anymore.

Not to excuse him, but remember the situation -- party, drinking, crowd idiocy and peer pressure, being mentally three years old and not thinking of consequences (just having "fun" for the moment).

Don't work yourself into a tizzy. Let this thread be your chance to get it out of your system, plus you've blocked FB. Time will eventually soften it. There are so many times I wish I could replay the tape in my life and redo something, but life doesn't work that way. Now, be the nice person you are and continue on being a good mom and faithful partner. Find the best in him and work with that.

[carolyn4863]

I want to, I just want to knock the worst of him out first lol