[trond]

I agree I wish, it's up to her and her decisions, however she wants to deal with it, then that's that.

I've been wondering why she would push me away when she said I was her rock and other similar things. I always put her first, and whenever she was down, I was there for her. So it kind of surprised me when she wanted to break up because of something that she was going through, even though it really had nothing to do with 'us'.

Yeh I wasn't trying to get updates, was just talking and then he told me out of the blue, which surprised and pissed me off. I understand that guys/friends of hers like her, and I'm not naïve enough not to think that, but I don't really want to hear it 2-3 days after the proper break up.

I have been doing my best to keep busy, hanging out with friends, studying for uni, going to gym. There are still those moments when I have a second to breath and then my mind goes into over drive. I know this happens to everyone, it's just hard. And I've found that apart from talking with friends, venting on here really gave me a pick me up and usually got me out of my down.

The weird little things that she does that make me wonder is she still smses me (didnt sms at all today, but over the last 3 weeks of breaking up I got smses from her all the time) and I took her off Facebook as a friend, so that I didn't know about new things happening, and she had her privacy settings on, and then 2 days ago when she told me she didn't want to try fix things, she turned her privacy settings off so I could see her wall/photos. (I've been trying very hard not to go on her page, but its always on the back of my mind)

Even though she ended it, she still makes a lot of effort to keep me on a string, bah!

Anyway, guess I should get some sleep, and thanks for reading and helping me through this, because without you guys on here, this would be a MUCH more difficult period in my life.

[I wish]

I've been wondering why she would push me away when she said i was her rock and other similar things.

People change. Feelings change. I used to hate eggs, but now I love them.

Yeh i wasn't trying to get updates, was just talking and then he told me out of the blue, which suprised and pissed me off.

Just let your friends know that you don't want to hear about your ex, even if they have some juicy news. Ignorance is bliss.

I have been doing my best to keep busy, hanging out with friends, studying for uni, going to gym. There are still those moments when i have a second to breath and then my mind goes into over drive. I know this happens to everyone, it's just hard. And i've found that apart from talking with friends, venting on here really gave me a pick me up and usually got me out of my down.

Check out the NC related threads. Especially the one about "Fighting your urges to break NC". Nor matter how many distractions, there will always be moments like this. It's only normal. You can't prevent these feelings from reoccuring. The key thing is how you deal with these emotions when they occur again. Sounds like you're doing a good job: keeping busy + distractions + venting. Just keep them up!

The weird little things that she does that make me wonder is she still smses me

Whenever you get an SMS from her, delete it before you read it. It doesn't matter the reasons are anymore. The bottom line is that you've broken up and it's time to move forward with your life. Reading her texts will only give you more material to dwell on, which prolongs the suffering. Let's not go there.

she turned her privacy settings off so i could see her wall/photos. (i've been trying very hard not to go on her page, but its always on the back of my mind)

Block her, that feature is in the privacy settings too. If you block her, you won't be able to visit her page and you won't see her pictures by accident. If that's not enough, then stay off Facebook.

Even though she ended it, she still makes alot of effort to keep me on a string, bah!

Part of the reason why she still contacts you is because of her own guilt. She doesn't want to seem like a bad person for breaking up. Let her find her own way to deal with her guilt. That's part of her healing process. It's not your responsibility. Focus on your own healing process.

[trond]

Ooooh, didn't know about the blocking function on Facebook! Thanks

And yeah, woke up this morning to my phone leaving me a message that I missed a call from her. (My house is in a valley sort of thing, so reception is pretty ) Just got another message about 10 minutes later that I have another missed call from her ><

How am I to heal if I am constantly getting this flicker or light from her calls and such. I told her that I'm not going to answer her calls/sms and to not call me, as this doesn't help me in any way. Bah


Update on the calls, 3 now, but all are going straight to voice mail as my reception keeps cutting in and out... and she just sent me a message on Facebook saying 'you're on Facebook but your phone is off'... I'm assuming she saw me post on a mate's wall

On a different note, it's been raining here in Australia (land of the sun >.>) for like a week straight, mood killer!

[I wish]

The drastic measure is to change your phone number.

But it's all about will power. When you see her calling, ignore it. Go do something else with your time instead of spending it dwelling on her.

Here's another tip. Change her display name to something like: "Do not pick up".

The more she calls, but the more you resist, the easier it will get.

[trond]

Well I royally screwed up. I picked up and broke the no contact rule 3 days in. Sigh

She told me that she AGAIN wanted to fly here next week, but then when I didn't react the way she planned she kind of stepped back and told me she was just thinking about it.

I told her that this limbo crap has to stop, and until she makes a decision to not contact me. She said 'that could be in 6 months', I'm like, well that's fine then, but I don't want to be just your friend, so you go sort your own life and I'll sort mine out.

But overall I am back to stage one, went against everything tahts on here and buckled, and answered the call. So angry at myself about it now!

[I wish]

Check out this line I wrote in this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

Symptoms of NC
[...]
After breaking the rules a number of times, we finally realize that there's no more hope because the other person appears to have moved on. Then we go back into NC, promising ourselves that we will respect the rules this time.

It happens. You break the rules a few times and then eventually, you'll have enough and really stick to them. You've taken a big step in your progress. You've realized that breaking NC rules is like going I circles. It doesn't lead you anywhere. So it's time to get out of the circle move your life in a different direction.

[trond]

Check out this line I wrote in this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html



It happens. You break the rules a few times and then eventually, you'll have enough and really stick to them. You've taken a big step in your progress. You've realized that breaking NC rules is like going i circles. It doesn't lead you anywhere. So it's time to get out of the circle move your life in a different direction.

Hey I Wish, well I've kind of been stupid in that regard, she wanted to come here to see me or whatever the coming Wed, but didn't end up wanting to. So we had a chat tonight (hopefully my last one for a long time) and I told her to please not contact me, as this is very hard for me and I need time to heal/get over it. She pretty said that I hated her...

I told her it was quite the opposite, but that I needed space. She got hers previously, I respected her wishes, so now she has to respect mine. It was weird, I didn't know what to say, I already told her everything, how I felt, what I was willing to do to be with her (continue my studies at a Uni near her place, which didn't really bother me, since the uni there is very good, and I would get credited for all my subjects) but that wasn't enough. So I just kind of ended it... Goodbye "name" and then I think she said something but I had already started to put the phone down and hung up.

Well I'm back to the start, in pain and missing her like crazy, but I honestly think this is for the best, and I need to try get over it.

Why is love so hard =/

[makimaki]

It makes me mad to read this because to me, it doesn't even seem like she knows what she wants! You guys were not in the same page, you want a serious relationship, she is confused! Bahh She wanted to keep you there but not get back with you? She sounds like what I used to do! When I was dating around..!
Now I am into serious relationships! People get older and mature, she's probably young and didn't want to move so fast.
Don't waste your time with her... In fact I bet that if you ignore her calls, she might start calling you all of a sudden just to see how you are! Maybe not! I don't know her, but one thing is for sure, SHE ended the relationship. You can't keep waiting for her nice cute face to come around! You will meet someone better. [Because of people like her, guys like you turn into bad boyfriends :( I've seen it happen! ]

There will be more break ups, but each time you will get stronger. Every time you will meet someone better than the last person, until you finally meet someone that will be in the same page as you are in. And the relationship will be more successful. Because... sometimes it's not about love, it's about being in the same page. Moving at the same pace... sad but true, get where I'm going?

I hope this was helpful... take care!! ;)

[trond]

Awesome advice Maki =D thanks.

Yeh well she kind of pushed this relationship hard from the start, she was the one that initiated everything pretty much, she said I love you first, she came up with the broken heart necklace thing (2 halves to a heart) and she came up with the idea of promise rings, so yeah. She seems to want to keep going out, but AFTER she finished uni in 6 months, but keep me as a friend, and keep me interested throughout the 6 months until she works out what to do with her career, but honestly I have more pride then that, even though I love this girl.

The funny thing is, I was a committophobe before this relationship, my longest relationship was 3 months, and I wasn't really invested in it.

Was funny the previous time she called, she asked if I still had my promise ring on (because she wasn't going to take it off (... wut! )) and I told her no, because obviously it meant something different then it did to her, and I was ACTUALLY committed to this relationship 110%. Guess we weren't on the same page.

Funny how things change. Rawr.

Instead of sulking at home, went out and hung out with a few of my mates at their place, they are a great pick me up. And the best thing about getting home is reading the advice on here =D always puts me in a better mood.

Of course I wanted this to be the fairytale, where I meet the love of my life, get married, raise a family and live happily ever after, like my grandparents. It's funny when you start a relationship how you always think how much better you are then other couples that break up, and you never think it will happen to... Ha ><

[trond]

So, as a start I'd also really kill 2 birds with one stone. Try and get over 2 addictions at the same time. I'm going to quit smoking and get back to the shape I was back when I me her, as I got quite complacent toward the end. Who knows, that may have been the reason for the break up, in which case I'm quite glad that it ended so soon.

Time to get healthy! Omw to Uni to do exam, thank got or iPhones and being able to get a pick me up siting a bus ;) love this site!

[trond]

Sorry about the triple post, but wanted to ask one more quick questin before over to Uni. Fom what/how I've described, going full NC and telling her not to contact me is a good option? Since in all honesty o have no real idea what's going on, what the future holds, I'm just doing the bes I can day by day

[aimee_tt]

YES QUIT SMOKING!!

Keep doing no contact!

It will let you heal and it will let her come to a decision.

If she doesn't want you again don't worry. I know there are pleanty of great girls here in australia, you just need to look.

Getting into shape is not only good for your health but for yourself esteem.

You'll find the girl for you. She could be right in front of you waiting for you to notice her.

[trond]

Yeh, I started smoking properly after I got together with her, as bad as it sounds it was something to do when I was on the phone to her that reminded me (in my mind) sitting right next to her. But it developed into a full blown addiction.

So while being with her, I did lose a lot of muscle (didnt really gain much fat) since I stopped working out, and started smoking... so overall not the greatest lifestyle change >< but knowing what I know now, I'd be a lot different in thinking about myself as well in the relationship, all I did was do everything for her. Argh

Sigh trying to study for exam sucks! DISTRACTIONS!

[I wish]

You don't need to tell her that you're doing NC. Telling her would be breaking the rules.

Think about it, what if she insists to keep in touch? Then you feel the need to explain yourself, so then there goes another back and forth. If you tell her, and then cut her off immediately, then you're going to feel guilty for not explaining yourself.

Now think about it this way, if you cut contact and completely block her out. She might try to continue to find you, but she will eventually get the hint. She will eventually realize that you're not interested in communicating with her.

But if you even respond once, even to explain yourself, she will have renewed hope that you might still be willing to keep in touch.

Explaining yourself is a way of opening and can of worms and drags out the healing process. I strongly suggest that you steer clear of that train of thought.

Anyway, you should have your hands full trying to quit smoking and getting back ot the gym. So focus your energy on that.

[trond]

Yeh, I told her to not contact me. If I see 'Don't pick up' calling me, ignore! We have a lot of mutual friends so I'm pretty sure she'll try, and as a last resort actually fly here, if it gets to that. But I'm not looking to break NC anytime soon, still in a lot of pain, feel like my feelings are just being toyed around with, back and forth, and I was just pushed aside when it got tough...

But right now with your help, I'm feeling MUCH better. Apart from not smoking/gym and study I still have free time, and this is where I spend it atm, unless I got hang out with mates. Gets me through each day!

2 weeks until I'm done with this semester of uni (Civil Engineering, maths maths maths maths and more maths. YAY!) and then its time to go see my mate in another city who I helped through his break up (thats WHY he is in another city) and check out the night life with him!

[Homegirl 50]

Hang in there. You have a lot on your shoulders right now. Leave her alone completely, that will lighten the load a bit.

[trond]

Leaving her alone is easy, it's keeping my mind off her that's the hard part. Since it was long distance, in a sense it is good that I don't have to see her at work/uni/around mutual friends.

Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, even though I love her, after the last few weeks I have WAY too much pride to even consider picking up the phone to dial her!

[trond]

And sigh, I've been bad, or good I don't know.

So she called me 4 times last night and smsed twice, seems she has finally made up her mind. Now she has told me that the reason that she kept keeping me in limbo was because she was scared I wouldn't take her back since she said she made out with 2 guys during the split. >.>

Now its going to be hard for me to get over this, but I can. I've read over countless threads of you guys saying that whatever happens during the break/break up is not to be talked about. I was going to go that route, but she told me, and I guess I was upset.

Anyway, what really scares me, is that she wants to get back together... etc, but gets angry at me when I try to bring it up, and when I try bring up my feelings, she kind of counters it with hers... and how SHE has been feeling... whatever.

I want to make this work, but whenever I bring anything up, as soon as she gets angry, she says something like "I'm not sure if this was a good idea/we can do it" etc... and I usually answer, well I'm willing to fight for it, and you don't seem to want to, so maybe, then she changes her tune and becomes all lovey dovey... etc.

To me it seems like she sees it as doing ME a favor by taking me back... but honestly, its been hard for me not to think of US as a couple, so I've been asked for my number, gone out with mates and been hit on, but just wasn't interested, its just hard that this is the way she acts when I accept to give it another go.

Interesting how this will go... but she doesn't have money to fly here atm, and neither do I, but I have exams... etc coming up so that's not going to happen for me.

(There isn't really a question in there... but just needed to vent a little)

Day 3 of no smoking though =D

[talaniman]

Let it go guy, as you are hardly the first to fall in love with someone who needed your help as a friend. When she got through that hard time she was just ready to enjoy herself, but was still healing.

You mistook her gratitude for love because that's what you wanted, so its really up to you to cope with your situation, and put your life back together without her in it.

You will have to deal with all the emotions that this situation has stirred up and get beyond it. You may have been inexperienced before, but you will learn, as we all have that this will pass, and you will rebuild a life that you enjoy without her, and that proper healing takes time.

No reason you can't enjoy it while you heal, that is up to you, but if you want time to seem to move faster, then have fun. Its hardly the end of the world.