Hey guys,

I've been reading these forums over the last 3 or so weeks, and it has helped me immensely with what I'm going through at the moment, and thank you all for reading/answering the questions in advance.

Summary (try to keep it short):

So my ex and I had been going out for just a bit over 8 months. We met through an online game essentially, but really over Facebook. She lives 1000km away from me, but its an hour flight. So we hit it off, and everything was going amazingly. She had just got out of a 4 year (emotionally abusive) relationship which she got cheated on in the end. So I helped her through that and we ended up falling in love. I flew over there every week/few weeks. We had SO much in common. Anyway, she chased after me from the very start, after only one meeting she said she loved me (we talked for about a month or so online before we actually met). And she said that she wanted to get married/have kids and all that (which I have now realised a lot of couples say that... wasn't aware of that before I hoped on these boards).

During all of this, she wanted to move here after she finished Uni (at the end of this year). So skip to about a month ago, I had just visited her, all went well, I flew back for an exam I had, and she was going to be flying down 2 days after that, and she had an exam on the day she flew down (before the flight). So basically something snapped in her that night and she went out, got really drunk, played computer games at a friend's house and ended up sleeping for about 3 hours and then going to her exam.

She then flew here and we had a week together, there was a big argument with her where I had noticed that something just wasn't right and asked her, and it ended up turning into an argument (this is key to later on). After the argument she was here for another few days, and all seemed to go back to normal. All lovey dovey, and so on. She then flew home and we seemed to be going all right.

A few days later she said she was going out with her best friend (who I trust completely, he is a great guy). I tried to contact her, but her phone was off, so I smsed the mutual friend, only for him to tell me that she said she went somewhere else, and said it was work related. I obviously over reacted and smsed her and called her a thousand times. After about 5 hours of not hearing from her, she called me and told me that she went to talk to her ex boyfriend who was having issues with his girlfriend and they talked (as soon as she told me, she added 'nothing suss'). Anyway, the next day she called me up when I was at uni, and told me that she thought it would be a good idea to go on a break. I agreed as I thought that it would at least give her time to think/reflect, she was surprised that I agreed to it.

Anyway, she kept talking to me during the break, which I was always as nice as I could be, but I wanted to give her space so she was always first to initiate. (this is when I found these boards and discovered NC). So as the week passed (we set a date to talk), I called her up and she ended up saying that we should break up. Wasn't expecting it, but since I respect her and also myself, I didn't beg/plead or whatever (probably helped that I read about this on here) I accepted it.

During the whole break she had been going wild, going out... etc

The next day I took her off Facebook (and I warned her that we cannot be friends now that she wants to break up) and she called me up about 2 minutes later and we had a talk, but she still wanted to stay broken up. I was as nice on the phone, being as comforting as possible.

Anyway, the next day I get an sms in the evening to which I didn't reply (which pretty much said avoid a sad song). The day after that she called me up twice, I ignored both her calls. Then I didn't hear from her for a full week.

She called me up a week later, I decided to answer it (probably a mistake) and we talked, she ended up saying that she wanted to fly down in a week (when she got paid) and try sort this whole thing out, and actually get back together. So I agreed to it. I did ask where we stood at that point in time, she said "technically we are broken up, so there are no repercussions for your actions". =/

And then I didn't hear from her again until today when I called her up (as I wanted to see what the deal was as she got paid today) and she ended up telling me that she wasn't going to fly here. I was pretty hurt... again. So we ended up texting each other throughout the day, she was all lovey dovey still, but yet she wasn't going to stay in the relationship (mixed messages much? ). Well as before I started work I texted her, 'Are you sure you don't want to fly here'. She didn't say no/yes. So I waited until I finished work, and then I smsed her that I guess she actually has decided on her decision, I am still completley in love with her, and I honestly saw myself being with her for the rest of my life, and wished her all the best at Uni/life. I got a response about 30 minutes afterwards saying 'I love you with all my heart'.

Just a quick clarification of things that I forgot to add during the story/didn't think of where to correctly put them:

She is a very attractive girl who I know gets A lot of attention at pubs/clubs, which made it hard for me, but I gave her all the room she wanted, never really pestered her about going out and such, even though it was long distance. I trusted her.

She had a very dark past, which I won't go into it too much, but she got herself out of it, and is now one of the top students at her uni.

During the whole 'break up' (3 weeks worth >.>) she said that I was the perfect boyfriend, and I actually did nothing wrong, and her reasons for the break up was her being scared of the future (everything getting too real) with Uni finishing/job hunting/moving out/moving here.

She still says that she loves me, on the phone... etc

She got promise rings (which I have now taken off as it kind of defeated the purpose that I believe) which she said she will keep wearing.

Throughout the talks she wanted to stay friends... I have told her that no, we can't be friends.

Feeling like crap at the moment, just trying to get my head on straight, all my plans I had for next year have kind of crumbled. I have my friends around me who have been here for me, but its just not the same without her. We talked on the phone several times for 8+ months and now its like I'm quitting an addiction.

Just wanted to vent, and pretty damn confused on what's going on in her head. She wants to be together, but doesn't...

Argggghhhh

P.S. wow... that was a lot longer then I thought it would be, and I tried skipping over a lot. Sigh, sorry about that

/end walloftext


Oh, she also told me today during the break up that she went on a date that sucked (thought it would make me feel better) after I told her that we can't be friends.

After she told me, I was like... THAT is why we can't be friends, stuff like that hurts me, you have no idea how much

LDR are hard to maintain and often after you meet and spend sometime together the novelty wears off. Not to even mention that she was coming out of a 4 years relationship, you were the friend and then became the rebound.
This relationship may have been doomed from the beginning.
I'm sorry you are going through this but right now NC can be your friend. You don't talk or chat or text.
She has probably moved on, so should you.

Thanks Homegirl,

I was actually thinking that, that what I thought at first, but we hit it off so strong from the start, that the worries went away.

It was my first true relationship, I'm 21 and before this I kind of just played around without much in the way of relationships.

I was/am completely in love with her, so it's a huge blow to me.

The worst thing is she keeps talking to me like she sees a future, but just doesn't want to continue.

And I agree with you on the LDR, its just so hard

You stop talking to her. Tell her you just cannot contnue this relationship.
If she calls, don't answer.

Yeh, I've started that from today. Again. Hard seeing that name pop up and not jumping to the phone, been doing that for 8 straight months

Well you hang in there, you'll get through and over this in time.
You can always come here for encouragement.

This place is a heaven for help. Honestly I think I would be a complete mess if I hadn't started reading posts about people going through the same thing, and all the successful outcomes that have happened. Really helped me prepare myself for the break up as soon as I heard the words 'we should go on a break'

Thank you again

Sigh, woke up this morning with a realisation that this is the end of it, before this (the first break up) honestly knew she would try to get back together. And she did, but this is it.

Feel sick in my stomach, and feel really down. God the down is bad...

It will get easier. Hang in there my friend.
Go do something exciting today. Something you've wanted to do but didn't have the time.

Sounds like you had a great relationship in the beginning, but then it started to crumble. I see a lot of mind games and confusion on both ends.

On her end, it seems like she has no idea what she wants. She can wake up one day wanting something completely different from the day before. Then she can go back and forth on her feelings.

As for you, I know that you're trying to be nice and respect her wishes, but it also sounds like you're not clear with her on how you feel. This is going to be a lesson for the future, but when you want something, you need to make your intentions clear so that the other person doesn't doubt your feelings. The other person might be flipping back and forth on their emotions, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be clear about yours.

As for your current situation, it sounds like she's moved on with her life. If she's ready to date other people, she knows that she might lose you forever. Therefore, she's already ready to let you go. So I don't see any reason for you to hang on anymore. That would be banging your head on the wall.

It's going to take time to heal. But you last spoken to her yesterday, so you progress only really starts today. Re-read the NC related threads in my signature.

Remember, every time you break NC, you're going to reset the progress. Furthermore, the pain is most likely going to get worse before it gets better. Just don't give in the urges of breaking NC, because you will only drag out the healing process.

Thanks I wish,

You are completely right, I regret a few things that I did like not contacting her during the week when she said she'd fly here, she put herself out there and I didn't really realise what I should have been doing until it was too late.

Day 2 of no contact today, but she smsed me last night, I didn't respond. I actually have my first breakdown last night, I'm not usually one to cry over stuff, but it all built up in me last night and I let it go.

And you are very right, she has no idea what she wants, she sees this herself and just can't help it. She is blaming it on her uni finishing and she is scared and confused about the reality of the future, but I have no idea how accurate that is and I have to accept it as that.

It sucks that to heal I can't contact her, but her voice is the only thing I want to hear right now ><


Argh, main thing I wanted to write... and I forgot ><

I have let her know on every occasion that I am completely in love with her, and never had any intention to leave, but I wanted to make her feel better, and give her space. Wasn't really expecting a break up, and when it happened I told her all that and asked if she was sure, she never really said yes. Honestly if this wasn't LDR then we would still be together, she makes up her mind when she doesn't talk to me, as soon as she starts talking to me she starts to question her decision.

I'm going to have to be strong and try to move on, I know that, but at the same time she just sends SO many mixed messages that its hard not to have false hope

You just stay strong. Don't talk to her don't text, don't listen to her calls.
This is helping her too. You both need NC

Listen to everyone here. They're right. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Chances are you'll find someone in your hometown when you least expect it. I would also delete her name/number from your phone. Even if you still recognize the number, maybe it won't be so hard if you don't see her name pop up.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

Listen to everyone here. They're right. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Chances are you'll find someone in your hometown when you least expect it. I would also delete her name/number from your phone. Even if you still recognize the number, maybe it won't be so hard if you don't see her name pop up.

---

Yeah, I realise this. Even though I know that I can find other girls, right now I have no urge at all to do so. During the conversation where she told me about the date, I actually told her just before that I got asked for my number and replied "sorry, can't, have a girlfriend" without even thinking about it.

Its hard because she pretty much seems like she wants to be friends (I know about the have her cake and eat it too) but to be friends only till the end of the year (finishes her uni) where she has the freedom to move anywhere.. and then get back together, which right now I would want to do, but waiting 6 months for a CHANCE to get back together is just not going to happen.

And I really do appreciate everyone's advice/help here, I usually feel like complete crap until I hop on this website and have a bit of a read, which usually puts me in a better place. And I am taking everyone's advice about NC and improving myself, its just hard with the constant over analysing mind at work!

On a brighter note, how is everyone? Woke up this morning with a bruised up wrist after I tripped last night when I was out with mates.

It's so hard to be friends with someone that you have feelings for. I've been there. It didn't get better until we cut ties completely. To be friends was never good enough and actually put strain on the relationship. I'm not by any means saying that you should go out and try to meet someone else, though. That's why I said "when you least expect it." Hang in there though. It sounds like you're on the right track.

Hehe, yeah, I wasn't really looking for a relationship at all when I kind of fell heart first into this one, so I understand what you're saying, and you are spot on.

And honestly, trying to be friends seems like a really terrible idea after a break up, unless you both somehow fell out of love for each other and instantly went into friendship... which seems non realistic at all. I've told her both times (first break up and 2 weeks later when she said she wasn't going to fly down here to try sort it out) that I can't be her friend.

Unless you're self destructive... how can you possibly sit there and listen to someone you truly care for and want to be with tell you about them going out/meeting new people, confuses me, but I hear it happens a lot.

Zoe, how did you end up cutting ties, did it just happen over time or did you get to a breaking point and both just say, that's it..

It did get to a breaking point. We had started hanging out more frequently. One thing lead to another. We ended up being more in a relationship than being friends, but I found out that he hadn't even broken up with his girlfriend, that I didn't even know he was dating. That was pretty much the last straw and I haven't talked to him since. I deleted him from my phone, took him off my buddy list, etc.

Wow, I don't think my ego could take that. That's my worry, not that we'll start hanging out more (LDR) but the emotionally draining conversations that are bound to happen since so far, the calls/texts I get from her have been when she has been down and needed emotional support.

I honestly think that the heart/brain should have switches which we can just turn off/on, much easier. Thank god I do engineering where there is only one answer for a maths question, simple

and sigh...
was randomly talking to a mutual friend who I never really trusted, we had our first issue with him and her sleeping in the same bed (spooning) when we first just started going out, and she had been in relationships where her ex bf's didn't give her any freedom, so when I actually gave her freedom to enjoy herself, she didn't know where the line was, we fixed up the miscommunication after that incident, but I never really trusted this 'friend'.

So anyway, just found out that he actually has feelings for her. Not sure if she knows, but he pretty much told me, and they hang out a lot, I know nothing happened, and I honestly don't think she sees him in any way like that, but why upset me by telling me that. Argh

back to feeling like crap, awesome >.>

Harshness warning

It takes time to heal from a break up. But getting updates about her life, such as other guys liking her, is only going to prolong your suffering. No contact includes no hearing about her life. The less you hear about her, the less material you have to overanalyze about.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe one day you will be friends again, maybe never. The point is to focus on the present. The present situation is that she has no idea what she wants. But in healthy relationships, you lean on each other for strength, when times get tough, regardless of whether you're long distance or in the same city. However, in her case, she chose to ask you for a break, which means that you were an added burden to her. If you're an added burden from a distance, then you're probably an even bigger burden when you're in the same city.

At this point, she has to deal with the break up her own way. You're not responsible for her. You're responsible for your own healing. So focus on yourself. Once you've healed, you will be more objective about the situation and you will be more capable of making a better decision for yourself going forward.