[talaniman]

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

[Kitkat22]

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

Thanks Tal.. I'm trying really hard to watch and learn from the best... you and some of the others.:) I have learned from you and jm and homegirl and Cat.

[clickaus]

Hi
I am still here, as Tal said, I had some thinking to do.
Answers to your questions.
My first wife left because so was devoted to her parents so much so that she neglected her family, well, me. Constantly with her parents leaving me to come home to an empty house.
Not so insecure about her, at that time I guess I wasn't cheated on so didn't have the hangups. Second last relationship lasted 6 years, she decided to return to Japan and her parents. I was a little insecure about her meeting guys, sure, only for fear of her becomiing interested in someone else. My last relationship hit me hard [some 11 years after first wife although I have have relationships between of varying degrees of success, as I thought as I though she was genuine and sincere until I found all she was telling were lies. Stories that didn't add up eventually catching her with another guy, via GPS, realising she was being with him, at home late at night but pretending to be with family, I later caught up with the guy to find he was being played too, in this case my suspicions were correct.
I am a mild mannered guy, a good guy with a kind heart, and as such I have been taken advantage off many times. With my present wife, everything happened so quickly, she is beautiful and I was using the GPS to ensure she was on the level. Never have been abusive with any lady in my life not in my nature.

[Kitkat22]

Okay.. do you think you can put those relationships behind you? All women and men are not alike? Give this wife the benefit of the doubt.

[pinkangelgirl]

Umm, you tracked her phone to see where she was? Does this not sound strange to anyone else?

[JoeCanada76]

Yes, it sounded strange to all of us. If you read the replies and posts you would have seen that pinkangelgirl.

[clickaus]

Yes I did, and true, its not the right thing to do but I was protecting myself. No excuse and no other reason. Although this wife hasn't really done anything untoward, on three occasions she has told me different to where she was and not knowing for sure starts the worry. Last two days I have been fine. Let hope it continues.


I have put the past relationships behind me, but the torment is still in the back of my mind. And yes, she is lovely and seems to want and has the same values as I in terms of family and future.

[pinkangelgirl]

I have been in this situation before, (your wife's situation) where my fiancé didn't trust me and was suspicious or constantly worrying that someone would take his place because other guys were interested in me. It has caused us untold problems and from the wife's point of view it does make you feel very bad to not be trusted and have constant pressure from someone who is desperately trying to hold on so tightly to someone who is already there and made their choice to be with you. The fights when I had done nothing wrong, and the isolation from not being free to go where I please eventually did wear me down and I did turn to an old friend and ended up cheating on my then fiancé. This is not my character at all but what someone else said on here was true, you will drive her to this behaviour and you don't want that so try to show her you trust her and give her the freedom she deserves. She will love you more for this.

[clickaus]

And she has agreed that she will not go to her male friends apartment on her own in future. I said it wasn't a matter of trust it was matter of was is appropriate. I have a female friend of 12 years standing, she has a husband and child. Never once has she or I been in each other's apartment alone. I once asked whether she trusted me, she said it wasn't to do with trust it was to do with respect for her husband... I agree

[pinkangelgirl]

Sorry I had missed the replies that mentioned trackng the phone, glad I wasn't the only one who thought that was weird

[clickaus]

Thanks Pinkangelgirl. How do I show I trust her without creating the hurt for me?

[JoeCanada76]

Get that counseling you told us forever that you were going to get but have not got yet. That is what you need to do.

[clickaus]

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.

[JoeCanada76]

Good for you.

[Kitkat22]

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.

I am so glad you are getting help... The past relationships tell me you have trust issues with women.. I hope you learn to put this behind you and more then that I hope your wife is allowed to be a wife who can have her own friends male or female. She is not a possession.

She has given you no reason not to mistrust her. Lots of women have male friends and that sure doesn't mean there's a sexual relationship going on. A GPS is just totally way out there. Please get help.

[clickaus]

Just a comment for pinkangelgirl... you cheated because there was opportunity to do so, not necessarily because your fiancé pushed you there.


In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

[JoeCanada76]

In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

Not True, and completely false.

I have many many women friends. My wife knows it. I just do have women friends but that does not mean that I am hoping for anything down the road. That is just complete bull sh-t.

That would be the other way around too. My wife having male friends. Does not matter, because it does not mean that she has that hope for something down the road.

Your twisting things completely backwards and side ways just to ease your conscience about spying on your wife.

[pinkangelgirl]

Clickaus, I think like the others have said, that counceling is a must to learn how to deal with this and change. I know that my husband still struggles with this issue but has managed to let go a lot. I agree with you that some things are inappropriate, but please try not to have double standards, like you justifying having female friends, while she can't have male friends because that will create problems. Good luck with the counceling, it's the best thing you could do for the both of you:)


Just to add to your question, ways on which my husband showed he trusted me, was by dropping the stalkerish behaviour. Like not checking up on me all the time and allowing me to talk to a male or even just mention a male without him making comments or getting angry. Over time I felt more trusted and as a result I talked to him more about things. You see when you react badly or she feels you don't trust her she will try to hide things, even if she doesn't need to, simply to save the hassle or avoid tension. Try to just enjoy the time you spend together and not worry so much (I know easier said than done) but she will enjoy being with you more and you will feel less stressed:)


Clickaus I do take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

[Kitkat22]

Clickaus i do take responsiblity for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what i did, im just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

I have to agree with "pinkangelgirl." Another thing in my opinion, some men can be so obsessive and controlling it makes a woman feel like she's a possession. I honestly believe there are men who can drive a woman right into the arms of another man. It isn't right but it happens.

From your perspective you think there are men just waiting to pounce on your wife. That may be true , but if she loves you she isn't going to do that unless you keep up this behavior. I couldn't stand being questioned about where I go or who I talk to.. that is the most degrading thing I can think of for a husband to put his wife through.

Frankly, the GPS would have been the last straw , but apparently she chooses to stay and I don't know why. Without trust you have no marriage and if you do not see this and really work on it with this counselor... you are going to be the loser. Think about it.

[Stringer]

My apologies I have not read all the posts, I will later am very busy presently. However I am curious, how long has she been in the US? Cultural differences may come into play here.

Stringer