[Ther4peuticH3at]

Is it natural, or even possible to span an entire relationship feeling exactly the way you felt when you first began it? Aren't there times in every relationship where for whatever reason your feelings just aren't the same, maybe not as strong as they once were? Feelings of doubt, and insecurity have found their way into your heart. The person who for a whole year gave you butterflies every time you were with them, doesn't seem to have the same effect on you anymore.

My question is, what does it all mean?

If you're in love, and you can't stop thinking about the other person and all you want is to be married to them and have their children... How do you, all of a sudden, change your tune. All of a sudden, you need space; you want to be single. Does that mean nothing you felt before was real. Could it have possibly been in true love? Does true love ever die?

If you're on the other end, if your partner tells you that he/she just doesn't feel the same about you as he/she once did... How long do you wait for them to come around. Everybody gets confused at times, and everyone has doubts at times. How do you know what's real? Is it the way he/she says he/she feels now, or is it the deep caring, loving, and blissful feeling that he/she has expressed throughout the majority of your relationship together, possibly even, just a few days before hand. What is one to really believe?

What's so hard for me is that I've once been in the place that she is now. Early on, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. I couldn't tell whether we were right for each other. It felt like we were just too different. She nearly begged me for marriage and children, and if nothing else, a solid, meaningful commitment... I couldn't give her that. And so, for a while we were on again and off again. And as time went on, I began to wonder how many you can break up with someone before they never feel the same way about you.

The part that sucks is that, while I still had trouble expressing it as often and as meaningfully as she needed, over time, my feelings for her grew to heights I never thought possible. Though it may not seem like it to her, I'd do ANYTHING for her. But it's becoming apparent that as my feelings for her have grown, her feelings for me have somehow "changed". I don't even know what that really even means.

One day we're looking at apts together, and we're genuinely happy and excited about it. We're loving and flirty with one another. Then less than 24 hours later, with no real incidence, she tells me she can't do this anymore. She doesn't feel the same, and she wants to be alone... So much so that she can't even talk to me. I try to contact her and I get treated like some cancer she need to remove from her life, when all I've ever done was be good to her. I always did my best to make her happy; although there were certainly times where despite my best intentions, I truly let her down, and from the bottom of my heart, I regret it.

But now, all she can say to me is "Just leave me alone", "I'm not ready to talk yet" and I swear it's killing me. For a couple days, I pestered her. I needed answers. But now, I'm giving her the space she asked for. I only wish she didn't have her friends in her ear telling her I'm no good for her when NONE of them really even know me and certainly, none of them know "us" and what we shared.

We both need to do some growing up. We're both 23 and this is the longest relationship (just over 2 yrs) either of us has ever had. Hopefully one day she'll grow up too and maybe she'll come back to me. I had hoped we could instead grow together, but maybe that's not possible for us just yet.

I bought her a ring two days before she broke up with me... I don't know what I'll end up doing with it..

I've told her how my feeling before. And as many of you probably know, it's a lot easier to say how much you love someone when you think you're going to lose them. She knows this as well, and is much more weary of this type of talk now that we've broken up.

I know that for now, I should simply let her go... move one. Try to be as selfish as she is right now. But it'd be nice to have some insight, maybe even some answers, in the mean time.


I can't believe how long that ended up getting... Sorry guys.

[CarrotTalker]

"She nearly begged me for marriage and children, and if nothing else, a solid, meaningful commitment... I couldn't give her that."

I think the apartment shopping hit home to her. She started to realize/think, "Is this really the right guy for me?"

If her dream/goal is to have children, but you are not willing to give her a meaningful commitment. It's kind of simply spinning your wheels, but not really moving towards a common goal together.

She probably felt that you still were unable to provide her with the commitment she is seeking.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Then why doesn't she just say that... Rather than some vague allusion to her feelings. I know she's always wanted commitment, but now she claims that she wants to be alone. What's real here? Why can't she just be straight up w/ me... You know?

I mean, she's asked me to, and I've already promised her, multiple times, that'd I'd never leave her. Now I'm standing here, in the place that she's always wanted me to be, and now she's not here anymore...

[Cat1864]

I don't think she knows what she wants right now.

She fought for so long and so hard to get a commitment that she may be wondering what she was fighting for. She may be trying to figure out if it is you she was fighting for or just the concept of being in a committed relationship.

She may be scared of waking up and finding out that you changed your mind about the relationship again.

I do wonder if there isn't a clue that you have missed/overlooked:

Then less than 24 hours later, with no real incidence, she tells me she can't do this anymore.

Did something happen during or after looking at apartments that maybe you are discounting but she isn't? Something that may seemed like a joke to you but could have set off memories of the past for her.

Give her some time and space. Don't look for issues with friends where there might not be any (this time at least). Give her a chance to get her thoughts and feelings straightened out so that she can tell you what is going on in her mind.

Remember you have said that in the past you had problems telling her how you feel and with being concerned about where the relationship was going. You dealt with your fears. Let her deal with hers.

[Homegirl 50]

She may not be "being selfish" but having second thoughts which she and everyone is entitled to have when they are about to embark on a new phase of life.
As CAT1864 so eloquently put "She may be trying to figure out if it is you she was fighting for or just the concept of being"

Sounds like she is taking a step back and re evaluating things. Did you not do the same thing with her? You were not sure of your feelings. She is being honest with you, respect it.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Remember you have said that in the past you had problems telling her how you feel and with being concerned about where the relationship was going. You dealt with your fears. Let her deal with hers.

First of all, thanks... That helps. I'll let her deal... but I do worry that most of the time, she sucks at dealing... she's so anti-conflict, anti-confrontation that most of the time she just clams up and turns away from whatever it is that may be difficult or troubling to her.

I won't get into whatever it is between her friends and I, that makes for bad blood but it can't be good that they're allowed to influence her at a time when I cannot. It just nags at me...

As far as overlooking things... You may be onto something. There was a time in our relationship where we argued A LOT, over stupid things, seemingly over everything. It bothered her much more than it did me. Often times, whenever we're talking about something she doesn't want to talk about or deal with, she considers it an argument... and in a way, technically it is because I'm almost pulling teeth to get her to open up about things. It's so bad that if we go out on a Saturday and spend 5% of the time disagreeing on something, in her head, we spent the "whole day" arguing. It just reminds her too much of the time when we argued incessantly.

A few days prior to looking at the apartment, we literally had two spats spanning less than 10 min a piece over the course of a weekend. One of them was actually about me not giving her friends a chance when they were (supposedly) finally opening up to me (after disliking me for absolutely no good reason), and she expected me to just immediately pull their knives out of my back and act like everything is kosher. I need more time than that, and so I gave her a pretty flat "No way in hell. I'm not going to forgive them". She was upset but didn't say anything else about it. I know I was being an @%% about it, but, if she had sat me down and tried to help me understand how important is was to her, I'd have gotten over my pettiness and bit the bullet for her... I feel like after everything we've been through, she owes me that opportunity, she owes it to us to talk things out even when its not the easiest thing to do.

Anyway, the morning before she broke up with me, she made a joke about us "arguing all the time", I was kind of put off by it but didn't push the issue in fear of an argument about how much we actually argue (INSANE, I know)... It didn't seem to matter much because the next words out of mouth were "Love you too," as she headed out for work.

I hate that communication is so hard at times for us, but I know she's gotten better about talking through things with me than she has with anyone else, including family. I know that none of her friends care enough to tell her the things that she doesn't want to hear... So, to her I'm the enemy at times. And I hate being made out to be the bad guy for just doing what I know is best for her and for us.

I realize that I'm venting now, but I hope that's okay here.

Anyway, I know her well enough to know that these are likely some of the things that are heavy on her heart at the moment. I just wish she'd let me talk to her.

Nevertheless, I'll give her space for now and hope for the best.

[Homegirl 50]

I hate that communication is so hard at times for us, but I know she's gotten better about talking through things with me than she has with anyone else, including family. I know that none of her friends care enough to tell her the things that she doesn't want to hear... So, to her I'm the enemy at times. And I hate being made out to be the bad guy for just doing what I know is best for her and for us.

I realize that I'm venting now, but I hope that's okay here.

Anyways, I know her well enough to know that these are likely some of the things that are heavy on her heart at the moment. I just wish she'd let me talk to her.

Nevertheless, I'll give her space for now and hope for the best.

Perhaps this attitude of her inability to handle things reflects the way you treat her and she does not like it, maybe her friends don't like it. Your saying you know what's best for her, your saying you'll give her space for now, your saying none of her friends care enough about her to tell her things.. perhaps she is feeling this is not a match and she wants out. Maybe she is feeling controlled.
How old are the both of you?

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Sounds like she is taking a step back and re evaluating things. Did you not do the same thing with her? You were not sure of your feelings. She is being honest with you, respect it.

The only difference is, when I felt that way, I was completely open about it. I let her talk to me about whatever she needed, whenever I was available. If I ever broke it off because I wasn't quite ready to give her what she wanted, I STUCK WITH HER. I visited, I called to check on her; I never left her all alone, when I new she had no one else.

To be clear, I in these instances, we're talking about her wanting kids or marriage, when I'm STILL IN COLLEGE. Most of the time it would end with her admitting that maybe she was being irrational or unrealistic, or possibly just hormonal. Then I'd usually give her a week to be sure that's how she truly felt, then I'd come back to her.

I never shut her out like she's doing me now. It hurts.

Honestly, I've also straight up asked on multiple occasions if she was sure she wanted to marry me, more than she wanted to just be married. If she's all of a sudden not so sure anymore, I'm not going to be happy about that.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't have to be happy about it but you have to respect her decision.
You and she are different people and so you will do and handle things differently.
She has chosen to cut contact. That is her choice her right.
What is the year differential between the two of you?

[talaniman]

Hope you enjoyed the good times because now its time to let it go.

Whether you are right or wrong is irrelevant, but what is obvious you both had different views on things for sure. You were unable to communicate, and where you think your building a relationship, she was going through the motions, doing the dance, and just woke up one day, and got slapped with cold reality. She wasn't feeling it, and probably never did. Her words had no meaning, because she was just doing what she thought everyone else was.

It happens, and you better be glad it happened, and glad its over, because she will take a long while to find herself, and you need to be doing your own thing.

The biggest clue that you ignored? She thought any disagreement was a big argument, that you passed over as not important. Different realities, that spell, incompatible, and lack of true communications. You also missed her relationship with her friends as that was a big clue to her not having true friends, just making more from nothing. That speaks more to how she feels about herself than you but clearly her priorities where right there for you to see.

Hate to kick a guy when he is down, but you honestly weren't paying attention as close as you needed to. Hope you learn from this, and I think you will.

No communications=no relationship. Too much playing at it, and not enough working together.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Perhaps this attitude of her inability to handle things reflects the way you treat her and she does not like it, maybe her friends don't like it. Your saying you know what's best for her, your saying you'll give her space for now, your saying none of her friends care enough about her to tell her things.. perhaps she is feeling this is not a match and she wants out. Maybe she is feeling controlled.
How old are the both of you?

We're both 23. It's not solely my opinion that she struggles with conflict resolution and problem solving. She admits it and she acknowledges that when she finally calms down, she understands that I'm just trying to do best by her and she's glad for it.

She's a person that doesn't eat ANY vegetable because no one ever made her eat them when she was a child. I feel like sometimes I have to be her vegetables...

I hate even having to acknowledge this but she's actually admitted that sometimes she feels like I "sound like her dad" when I talk to her. When the reality of it is, I'm just trying to be clear and rational at times when she's genuinely being childish and/or stubborn. I know that sounds bad but heck, I can admit that sometimes I'm also childish, and I can recognize when that's the case and I'll never get upset with her for handling my childish attitude accordingly. Again, it's not like I'm disrespectful or that I talk down to her. I simply try to be as clear and understanding as possible.

I know I sound absurdly controlling, but I'm really not; I'd do this for anyone that I truly cared about. It's all in love. I want her to be the best, most complete person she can be. Sometimes I think that I want more for her than she wants of herself. I definitely expect more of her than she's really used to anyone expecting of her. I know that she's stronger and smarter than she ever gives herself credit for.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Hope you enjoyed the good times because now its time to let it go.

Whether you are right or wrong is irrelevant, but what is obvious you both had different views on things for sure. You were unable to communicate, and where you think your building a relationship, she was going thru the motions, doing the dance, and just woke up one day, and got slapped with cold reality. She wasn't feeling it, and probably never did. Her words had no meaning, because she was just doing what she thought everyone else was.

It happens, and you better be glad it happened, and glad its over, because she will take a long while to find herself, and you need to be doing your own thing.

The biggest clue that you ignored? She thought any disagreement was a big argument, that you passed over as not important. Different realities, that spell, incompatible, and lack of true communications. You also missed her relationship with her friends as that was a big clue to her not having true friends, just making more from nothing. That speaks more to how she feels about herself than you but clearly her priorities where right there for you to see.

Hate to kick a guy when he is down, but you honestly weren't paying attention as close as you needed to. Hope you learn from this, and I think you will.

No communications=no relationship. To much playing at it, and not enough working together.

Isn't communication something couples can work on?

I understand that she has issues, and I'm far from perfect, but if no one is willing to work for love, then it never happens, period. That's my belief.

Honestly, I did see both of those things. I understood how they differed and I worried A LOT about our perceptions of the reality of things that carried on between us, mainly, the failed communications. I decided that we could work on that, and I know that we've made progress.

With the issue of her lacking true friendship, I thought that if I showed her something REAL... REAL friendship, REAL love... I thought she'd understand what she'd been missing. To be honest, the friends she's picked up since we've been together (unfortunately, the same friends that I haven't really gotten along with).. her relationship with some of these people is genuinely a proper friendship. I only wish she'd have chosen individuals with better character; though, I admit that I don't know them well enough to say such a thing for certain, it is merely my impression insofar.

I guess what I'm saying is. How compatible can two human beings really be? Aren't there always things that need improvement in a relationship? Doesn't love require work?

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe she got tired of trying to live up your expectations. What you saw she could be may not be what she wants to be. You could see yourself as what she needs but maybe you are not, maybe you are not what she wants. It could be that you two are not a match and perhaps she is sensing that.

[talaniman]

Sure you can work on communications, and anything else that comes up. But with couples, they both have to first be WILLING to work together, and ABLE to do the work.

You have neither. Or at least, not enough. INCOMPATIBLE, is how I see it.

Sometimes we do our best, and for whatever reason, sometimes its just not enough.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Maybe she got tired of trying to live up your expectations. What you saw she could be may not be what she wants to be. You could see youself as what she needs but maybe you are not, maybe you are not what she wants. It could be that you two are not a match and perhaps she is sensing that.

I hope not. It's not like I was trying tell her to quit her job or change her life, just what she thought of herself. She was so negative toward herself.

In some ways, for certain things in life, she's given up. In ways she's given up on herself, and I was just intent upon not letting her. She's capable of so much, and I just want her to know that.

[talaniman]

She ain't listening to you, and doubt she ever was. Doubt she ever will. Save your breath.

[Devorameira]

I hate even having to acknowledge this but she's actually admitted that sometimes she feels like I "sound like her dad" when I talk to her. When the reality of it is, I'm just trying to be clear and rational at times when she's genuinely being childish and/or stubborn. I know that sounds bad but heck, I can admit that sometimes I'm also childish, and I can recognize when that's the case and I'll never get upset with her for handling my childish attitude accordingly. Again, it's not like I'm disrespectful or that I talk down to her. I simply try to be as clear and understanding as possible.

I know I sound absurdly controlling, but I'm really not; I'd do this for anyone that I truly cared about. It's all in love. I want her to be the best, most complete person she can be. Sometimes I think that I want more for her than she wants of herself. I definitely expect more of her than she's really used to anyone expecting of her. I know that she's stronger and smarter than she ever gives herself credit for.

The way you treat her IS controlling - it doesn't just sound like it. Every controlling person "supposedly" has the other persons best interest at heart, just like you say you do.

You probably do sound like her Dad. The difference is that her Dad actually did have her best interests at heart, whereas, you were just trying to be in control.

I can see why she ended the relationship. First off, she’s a grown woman who doesn’t need you telling her what to do and not to do. She needs an equal partner that respects her.

She tried to talk to you about her friends, so obviously it was important to her, but instead of you treating it as important to her you blamed her for not sitting you down and explaining the importance.

I’m sorry, but I think she’s done what’s right for her, and you need to accept it and move on.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Okay.. Well if it's not going to be me that helps her get to a place where she's truly happy and loves herself for who she is, and doesn't need anyone or anything to make her happy... Then I hope she finds her way there somehow.

I'll admit, I'm a little tired of all of this too. I could use a break as well... I just wish I didn't have to do it without the woman whose become my closest friend over the past two years. I told her things that I've never mentioned to people who've known me and have been VERY close to me almost my entire life.

If she doesn't come back to me anytime soon, I'm going to miss her dearly. But if it's for the best, I'll be glad. No matter what the circumstance, if she ends up finding true happiness within herself, I'll be elated.

The way you treat her IS controlling - it doesn't just sound like it. Every controlling person "supposedly" has the other persons best interest at heart, just like you say you do.

You probably do sound like her Dad. The difference is that her Dad actually did have her best interests at heart, whereas, you were just trying to be in control.

I can see why she ended the relationship. First off, she’s a grown woman who doesn’t need you telling her what to do and not to do. She needs an equal partner that respects her.

She tried to talk to you about her friends, so obviously it was important to her, but instead of you treating it as important to her you blamed her for not sitting you down and explaining the importance.

I’m sorry, but I think she’s done what’s right for her, and you need to accept it and move on.

You're making quite a few leaps here.. I NEVER tell her what to do, I only offer my advise. I try to make suggestions, especially when something is bothering her. I have ALWAYS respected her.

She's had issues with my friends as well, and she was just as stubborn and pig headed, initially, as I was. But I WORKED with her about it. I worked with her and my friends. It took a while for both parties to come around, but eventually they did. I'm only asking for the same courtesy.

Despite the anonymity here, I won't go into detail about her father, but I will say, he's part of the reason she never thought she was worth much.

You can paint me the villain as much as you want... Maybe you're right to a certain extent, but I certainly never try to control her for the sake of "controlling" her. I just want her to make decisions that she'll be happy with. But I surely, let her do as she pleases.

[talaniman]

That's good, then you simply let her do as she please now. Problem solved! Next is dealing with YOUR feelings in a positive way, so read the stickies and learn how the healing process works.

[asking]

You also missed her relationship with her friends as that was a big clue to her not having true friends, just making more from nothing.

I don't see anything about her not having true friends, let alone making more from nothing. Where does it say that?

You're making quite a few leaps here.. I NEVER tell her what to do, I only offer my advise. I try to make suggestions, especially when something is bothering her. I have ALWAYS respected her.

She's had issues with my friends as well, and she was just as stubborn and pig headed, initially, as I was. But I WORKED with her about it. I worked with her and my friends. It took a while for both parties to come around, but eventually they did. I'm only asking for the same courtesy.

Despite the anonymity here, I won't go into detail about her father, but I will say, he's part of the reason she never thought she was worth much.

You can paint me the villain as much as you want... Maybe you're right to a certain extent, but I certainly never try to control her for the sake of "controlling" her. I just want her to make decisions that she'll be happy with. But I surely, let her do as she pleases.

Hi Ther4peuticH3at,
I just read this thread through and my overall impression is that you view your ex as very much not your equal. I don't think it's a leap to conclude that. You don't SOUND like you respect her at all. If this is respect, I'd hate to hear how you talk about someone you don't respect.

But now I'll make a genuine leap and guess that you generally feel that men are more capable than women and that any partner you have is someone you'll guide through life. Even someone genuinely incompetent is not going to appreciate such an attitude. I think she has done the right thing, painful as I'm sure it was, after being together for two years. I know the pain is very real.

My advice is that you take an extended time out from dating and figure out why you come across as overbearing, entitled, and patronizing---to your partner, her friends (apparently), and to total strangers. Like you said, none of us is perfect. The upside of anonymous web advice is total honesty--down side too.

Good luck!