[Kitkat22]

You must learn to cope with the feelings you have and not make impulsive , or ill advised decisions.

Maturity is all about dealing with yourself in positive ways and not acting on intense feelings without a lot of thought.

We all have those intense days, and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Those are the days you have a plan B in place, so we can change our focus, and work thru our feelings.

Hobbies, chores, or exercise are great things you can just get up and do, when the feelings get too intense.

Jodi... You'll get through this.. don't even think about it. Don't get weak..

[jo_dy]

At the moment I am having a lot of doubts about my decision... he is promising the world of therapy and what he can do and will be like if I considered giving it another go... my head is a mess as I do love him and want him but haven't taken him back as I just and won't let myself get hurt anymore.

I keep asking myself if I'm miserable without him now and was a little miserable with him sometimes which is worse??

Can someone rebuild the trust from nothing?

I don't know what to do anymore

[talaniman]

You protect yourself, and give him the space to do what he has to to make himself better without you. Yes you will have those days of confusion, and you wish things were different, mostly triggered by circumstance and regret.

But until he has done what he says, what would be the point.

You are also very right as to regaining trust takes a long time and both must be completely committed to change. But I think you heal first until his commitment to change is a reality.

He has a lot of business to handle, and much baggage to unpack, and it will take YEARS to accomplish.

Stay strong for yourself.

[jo_dy]

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesn't see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused...

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling I wouldn't believe him unless I saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasn't

[JudyKayTee]

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesnt see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused......

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling i wouldnt believe him unless i saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasnt

I'd do therapy or counselling or whatever else it takes BUT I wouldn't move back in with him.

Seeking help is one thing. Changing is another.

- and this is ONLY if you WANT him back!

[talaniman]

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

It should be, he is using a promise to lure you back, That's a red flag he would go to such lenghts to get what he wants.

He doesn't see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused...

But if he sees nothing wrong, he will never seek change, want change, or do any changing. In short, more of the same.

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling I wouldn't believe him unless I saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasn't

He would be doing it for selfish reasons to get what he wants, but he sees no problems and doesn't have a motivation to change.

That makes his apology, not heart felt, or sincere. I was just another means to get you to give him another chance.

Its good you don't trust him, nor should you. But let that mistrust put an unconditional end to this chapter in your life, so you can heal, and do better.

[ohsohappy]

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesnt see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused......

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling i wouldnt believe him unless i saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasnt

Jody you have to remember that he is the one that's in the wrong here, and that he really should be going to counseling. He's having (has had) a child with another woman, lied to you about it, hurt you and intimidated you. And now he's using talk to get you back in his control. I highly doubt he will change permanantly. Honestly, you can live without him. You know that saying "I can't live without him/her"? Usually it's backwards, usually they don't want you to be able to live without them. It's a control thing, and I think that if you give in to this, he will start the cycle all over again after a while once things start settling down and getting comfortable. Also I have to add, that if he's saying that he will only go back to therapy if you say you'll be with him, that's another red flag. If he really wants to change he will have to do it for himself. this is telling me that he doesn't want to change, he just wants you to think he wants to and won't care to pretend if there's nothing in it for him...

Also, I have to ask, what exactly does the part in blue mean? Could you clarify for me please?

[Kitkat22]

Jodi... please don't let him pull you back again! You are almost to the point of getting used to being without him. I pray you will not be blinded by his empty promises.

Please don't do it. If you have to get a crucifix and garlic to wear around your neck. If you let him talk you into this, he is like a vulture who will suck the life right out of you.

You'll be back at square one and he will revel in the knowledge he still has control over you.

[jo_dy]

I think you are all right, its an odd feeling to want him back and at the same time I don't!

He says he has got some help and had therapy but honestly I don't believe he did for one minute.

He can't be trusted and still while not together he is lying to me... I will get over it but it's the wanting him I need to move past... I ask myself why want him, I know what he is doing and the games he is playing and I won't fall for it

[jo_dy]

jody you have to remember that he is the one that's in the wrong here, and that he really should be going to councelling. He's having (has had) a child with another woman, lied to you about it, hurt you and intimidated you. And now he's using talk to get you back in his control. I highly doubt he will change permanantly. Honestly, you can live without him. You know that saying "I can't live without him/her"? Usually it's backwards, usually they don't want you to be able to live without them. It's a control thing, and I think that if you give in to this, he will start the cycle all over again after a while once things start settling down and getting comfortable. Also I have to add, that if he's saying that he will only go back to therapy if you say you'll be with him, that's another red flag. If he really wants to change he will have to do it for himself. this is telling me that he doesn't want to change, he just wants you to think he wants to and won't care to pretend if there's nothing in it for him...

Also, I have to ask, what exactly does the part in blue mean? could you clarify for me please?

Oh I can def live without him, I have been for months now and it really has got easier.

What I meant was that unless I can see it for myself I don't believe he would do anything to better himself... mostly because if left to it on his own he wouldn't actually do anything to better himself but would swear to me he has!!

[jo_dy]

The more I talk the more I know I couldn't and wouldn't have him back!

I don't feel lonely how I used to or miss him how I used to, I do miss his good bits but not enough to have him back! I don't know what it is that makes me want him back!

Very odd feeling! BUT I wouldn't take him back

[Homegirl 50]

He was your husband and you gave him your trust, so it is quite natural to miss his good points. Your feelings are still raw.
You hang in there, you will soon no longer miss that. It will get easier.

[Kitkat22]

Jodi... Don't let him pull you back... he's trying... for the sake of your happiness , don't fall for it.
You'll be fine.. without him. Please find the strength I know you have... Blessings

[ohsohappy]

Oh i can def live without him, i have been for months now and it really has got easier.

What i meant was that unless i can see it for myself i dont believe he would do anything to better himself....mostly because if left to it on his own he wouldnt actually do anything to better himself but would swear to me he has!!!!

Even if he did change, I don't really think that it should matter to you. What he does with his life from now on is his business. And I think that you should focus more on yourself than on him lying to you more. Like I said, of course he's not going to get help unless you come back to him, he doesn't WANT to get help he WANTS to get you suckered back in. the fact that he would even say that to you is a dead giveaway that he's never really intending on changing in my opinion. I mean really, you've got your own life and heart to think about here, you are not responsible for his behavior, and it is not your job to change him. So leave him in the mud to wallow or you'll end up back in there with him. You don't need to care about ANYTHING he says to you anymore. If you can live without him, don't try to help him or change him. He doesn't deserve that much attention from you, he doesn't deserve your help, and if you do try to help him, he will take it as a reward for his bad behavior, because he knows you're giving him that undeserved attention and he won't stop because he knows you'll keep trying to be there for him. This means he still has some sort of control over and you need to STOP IT. I mean completely. He is nothing. You are everything to yourself. One thing that will never ever change is the fact that you have to live with yourself. You wake up with yourself every morning and you fall asleep with yourself every night. So that's what's always there, that's why you deserve to give yourself more, because you're always with YOU.

[Kitkat22]

Ohso, is right Jodi.. I wish there were more things I could tell you but you already know how I feel about the way he's treating you.

His punishment will be sometime in the future when he finds you are happy without him and have no intention of allowing him back into your life.

I think he will kick himself in the butt.. not because he realizes what he's lost, but because you have finally broken his hold on you and he can't control you anymore.

When that happens you better let us know... Wait and see.. there is so much more out there for you.
You deserve happiness and I just know you will find it.

You know what will be great? You won't even care about what he thinks or says by then. It's going to happen.. keep on being strong!

[jo_dy]

I completely agree with everything everyone has said.

The more time that goes the stronger I feel and the I realise what he is doing and how I could NEVER have him back... never ever.

Its taken me years to get to this point but I finally see what everyone else see's and I hope with more time I will lose those feelings of want and missing... I hope its sooner :(

[Kitkat22]

Hooray for you! I feel like jumping for joy! I knew you could do it!

You're through the worst part and the missing him will lessen in time.
Gosh.. I'm so proud of you and you are still in my prayers.

[jo_dy]

The man will sink to all kinds of levels to make me do who knows what...

I recvd a text the other day in the early hours, shich I didn't get till the morning, saying in a round about way he was going to kill himself, it took me 24hrs to figure out what he meant by it but I didn't respond anyway and just hoped he hadn't... I then got another text 24hrs later saying he wasn't successful, again I didn't respond... I think he is quite low and on self destruct... its sad to see and as naïve as I am being I don't see why!!

[Homegirl 50]

You are not naïve you are just in a situation you've not been in before.

He is trying to manipulate you. Hang in there you will be OK.

[Kitkat22]

Yu are not naive you are just in a situation you've not been in before.

He is trying to manipulate you. Hang in there you will be OK.

Next time he tries to upset you like that... Just say "bye"... He'll stop it.