[clickaus]

Threads merged



A few weeks ago my new wife asked if it would be OK to visit a girl friend at her place of business. She told me she provides a service of Traditional Chinese massage therapy. It would be a chance to catch up for some girlie talk and maybe help out if she needs. I thought it was good idea as my wife currently doesn't work and is a little bored at home.
I met my wife after work to find that of all the clothes she has, this day she choses to wear her short skirt with sheer black tights, I admit she looks quite hot in this. On the way home I asked how things went, as she had spent most of the day with her friend, only to find that her friend's business offered the full body massage with oils and naked or at least down to the underwear, not the Traditional Chinese massage, which is usually fully clothed and targets mainly the neck and shoulders. Of course I was not too happy to hear this as most of the clients were male [of course], and as my wife was sitting at the reception desk for most of the day she told me that some of the clients were asking her if she was the new girl. My wife also mentioned that from time to time her friend asked if she would help out with towels etc.. Knowing she was sitting there in her short skirt and tights and my understanding of guys minds my imagination started going into meltdown. I explained that I was really not happy about this and if she was looking for work, this was NOT the area I would like her to be. She tried to convince me it was all above board, but I was clear that I would not be comfortable about this. She agreed and nothing more was said.
Today my wife suggested that she would come into town later in the day to meet me after work so that we could go shopping and drive home together. I thought that was a lovely thought, until she asked if I would mind if she popped into her friend's shop to say hello. I explained that I didn't mind her meeting this girl for a chat or a coffee from time to time but thought it was inappropriate to visit her place of business. As she has declined to come to my office many times as she doesn't want to interrupt my work I suggested that this was no different for her friend.
Although she said she would come directly to me I can feel she was a little disappointed. Am I wrong in my thinking or should I have handled it differently.

[BlackVY]

I kind of know where you are coming from in a way.

I believe you should talk to your wife, explain to her properly why you feel the way you do. She needs to know why you are not OK with her in that place, but you are not stopping her from seeing her friends elsewhere.

If she chooses to see her friend there anyway, there isn't much you can do. She can either tell you she is going there, or she can do it in secret without you knowing. Its her choice, but you have the right to tell her how it makes you feel in my opinion and its her decision to either care how it makes you feel or not.

It seems like you trust her, which is great, but you don't feel comfortable about the place she goes to, or some of the people she comes in contact there. I feel like you are looking out for what's best for your wife as well as yourself.

So once again, I think you should just have an open and honest tal kwith your wife, tell her how you feel, and that you don't wan to put limitations on her and tell her what she can and can't do, but you are just expressing how you feel about something, just as you'd hope she'd do if she was uncomfortable about something to do with you in the future. All the best

[clickaus]

Hi everyone
Thank you for your comments yet again. As mentioned before, life is wonderful, truly. But every now and then I get the bouts of insecurity. I have always been too caring about the other persons feelings that sometimes I forget about how it is affecting me and tend to be a little passive about my actions/reactions rather than be to the point and state clearly what I think or how I feel.
I was lying in bed one evening waiting for my wife to finish her shower etc. after some time she came to bed and in a playful way I asked 'hey, where have you been, I missed you'. She replied 'Oh I went down into the street to meet a man'. With her knowing how I feel about such a thing, I asked why would you say such a thing, she said 'where do you think I went'... I was just being playful and she said the one thing that would send my head in a spin... Then I start over analysing... but I am OK. I still woke up this morning with her besides me knowing I am the luckiest man on the planet. Cheers everyone

[BlackVY]

I understand what its like to over analyze and be insecure... and sometimes even a joke might worry you, but you have to make yourself believe that this woman is you wife and she is with you because she loves you and she doesn't want any other men.

If you have a relatively low self-esteem, it can be hard to believe such a statement, but you have to try. Glad you know you are a lucky man. Always try to remember that and you'll be fine...

[JoeCanada76]

You were waiting for your wife to finish her shower. You know you walked into that reply right. You might have started it. She finished it and you could not handle it. You were being playful, she was, but you took it way too seriously again.

Next time do not wait for her to come out of the shower, hop in with her. Be cool. Stay cool.

[clickaus]

Thanks
'Even a joke might worry you'. In my over analyzing I start to wonder if such a joke could be a subconscious thought. GRRR. I am OK


… and yes next time just hop in the shower. Quite right.

[BlackVY]

Thanks
'Even a joke might worry you'. In my over analyzing I start to wonder if such a joke could be a subconscious thought. GRRR. I am OK


… and yes next time just hop in the shower. Quite right.

Nah... I'd say it's a joke...

Think about it, haven't there been times when you could have made a joke, that you thought was purely a joke, but it could have taken more seriously?

[talaniman]

Actually guy, you have to see this as a lesson in how our thinking affect our actions. Even with the friend at work, you have to see that its you reacting out of fear and insecurity, as you deal with the unknown.

Relax and enjoy it as this should be the "honeymoon" period.

[Kitkat22]

Actually guy, you have to see this as a lesson in how our thinking affect our actions. Even with the friend at work, you have to see that its you reacting out of fear and insecurity, as you deal with the unknown.

Relax and enjoy it as this should be the "honeymoon" period.

I agree with Tal. Enjoy life... trust is an issue with you. Stop over thinking this.

[clickaus]

Hi Guys
Thanks for all your help as always.
Had a bit of a relapse yesterday. Usually either my wife calls me or I call her about the time I get to work just to say Hi and maybe if we have a moment during the day she/I call again just for a moment to say hi or she may ask me about what I would like for dinner.. all good. All went the same way yesterday about 3pm she called me to say she was just about to pop out to the mall to get some food and asked if I would like something special, all good. About 20mins later I thought of something I thought would be nice to get, called but the phone went to voicemail. I waited and called again, voicemail. I called home to find her daughter was at home. I thought perhaps my wife had forgotten her phone but no, 'she just went to the Mall'. OK. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone location on GPS and found she appeared to be at her old apartment, just across the road from us, where Kevin her ex-room mate lives, supposedly a relation or friend of her ex husband in China. About 15 minutes later I saw she was heading towards to shopping mall, which is usual, but instead of going to the shopping mall continued to walk down the street and stopped at park. I called again and got through. I explained that I was still bored at work and that I thought of something for dinner. I could hear children playing and I asked where she was, not at the shopping mall yet? She said not yet just getting some fresh air [It was quite cold this day] she said OK I will be at the mall soon I will see you later and ended the call quite quickly. I felt a little anxious as I could feel something not quite right in the way she was talking and her response. I headed home and got to the area quite quickly. I called again to see if see needed a hand as I knew she must be at the mall by then. No answer. I called several times, again just voice mail. Of course my head was spinning. So I continued to drive to home just around the corner from the mall. On the way I saw her walking towards our apartment complex with a guy by her side. I turned the car around at the end of the road when I got closer they were at the entrance of our complex chatting. I thought she saw me as I drove past, but obviously not as a few moments later she called and asked if I had called. I said yes several times, I wondered if you needed a hand. She said sorry I didn't hear your call. I said I was just parking the car. I got home and she was all smiles and greeted my quite happily but my head was in a spin. If I hadn't mentioned I had seen her with the guy [which turned out to be Kevin, the ex room mate], she would have just said she went to the mall. She claims that she just bumped into Kevin on the street going to the mall and when I phoned her she was just walking to the mall. But I saw she was way passed the mall and in a park. I was extremely upset that she felt she could not say that she was just chatting with Kevin and that not telling me or making a story instead would make me feel better. I don't think it is a trust issue with me and although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so. I am so confused and I know I upset her and I don't want to push her away. I don't know the real reason I get so anxious about this side of our relationship and I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her. I have made an appointment for counseling.

[Wondergirl]

I don't think it is a trust issue with me

Not a trust issue? What then do you think it is? Wow! Even I felt like hiding while I was reading this post.

although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so.

She has to report to you about every move she makes and every person she talks to?

I don't want to push her away.

You're pushing ME away, and I don't even know you!

I don't know the real reason I get so anxious

That's why the counseling will be really valuable.

I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her.

Your suspicions aren't rational. You don't trust her because you don't like yourself very much for some reason.

[Kitkat22]

Not a trust issue? What then do you think it is? Wow! Even I felt like hiding while I was reading this post.

She has to report to you about every move she makes and every person she talks to?

You're pushing ME away, and I don't even know you!

That's why the counseling will be really valuable.

Your suspicions aren't rational. You don't trust her because you don't like yourself very much for some reason.

How in the world can this woman stand this? She is not a possession.
If you don't get help, you will lose her. I'm surprised she has put up with this constant mistrust for so long.

[Wondergirl]

For about five years I was friends with a fellow like you. He was constantly suspicious of his wife. Because he was an insurance salesman, he was his own boss and could come and go as he pleased. Therefore, he would "drop in" on his wife at work (to check up on her, to make sure she wasn't chatting with male coworkers), and would go everywhere with her once she got home from work to the point that the poor woman never had a moment to herself (except maybe in the bathroom, but of course she couldn't stay in there very long). Between marriages, he would drive past the house of any single woman he was interested in and sit in his car down the block to watch for hours and find out if she had any male visitors. I won't tell endless stories about his neediness, but will mention that he was married and divorced four times during the five years I knew him. A year or so ago he called me from Wisconsin where he now lives to tell me that he is again divorced and asked if maybe I might be interested in meeting up with him (i.e. he's finally run out of marriage prospects?). I gently declined.

Don't end up like this. Counseling will help.

[clickaus]

OK thanks guys.. I hate these feelings truly.

[Wondergirl]

OK thanks guys.. I hate these feelings truely.

Good. I hate them too. Now, what are you going to do about them?

[clickaus]

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

[Cat1864]

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

Good luck.

[Kitkat22]

Good luck.

Good Luck. I truly hope you can work through this.:)

[BlackVY]

I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.

Sounds like a man with a plan... all the best...

[clickaus]

Threads merged



When I met my wife before we married she and her daughter was just moving out of her apartment to move in to a shared apartment with two single guys, one of whom is a friend of her ex husband in China. He convinced her to move in to help her save money. After a month I proposed and she accepted the offer of marriage. Within a month after that we were married and had moved into our own apartment together with her daughter, happy family. Just so happens our apartment in just across the road from her old apartment and the ex-room mate.
I found out recently that occasionally she would 'bump' into him at the shopping mall and grab a coffee. Just earlier this week I discovered she had been to his apartment and went for a walk and did some shopping together. She wasn't going to tell me until I told her that I had spotted them walking back to the entrance to our complex as I was driving by. Plus I had 'seen' her via her phone GPS. That's how I knew she was at his apartment and spent some time at the park all of which she denies. After a emotional discussion about how it upset me I suggested that perhaps I don't know him that is why I feel so anxious and suggested she invite over for dinner. She asked if I would be OK with him coming to our place... I said of course not, as long as I am there... I meant we could all have dinner. She said oh I can ask but maybe he won't want to come.
I don't think it is appropriate for him to visit her at my apartment whilst I am not there equally I don't think she should be visiting him at his apartment alone. Not a matter of trust it is a matter what is appropriate as a married woman. What do you think? You guys have read all my threads on previous worries, is this just part of all the same thing? Thanks