[loving_you]

Hi,its been 2 days since I have been reading posts like mine in this forum and believe me,I'm so very impressed and glad that there are so many people who are willing to help and share their ideas to improve either someone's relationship or to console the lost broken hearted person.so before I go and jot down my post,I thank you one and all for all the efforts you have put in this forum with an ambition to help sumone by expecting nothing in return.I really appreciate.
Well this is my first post.so here it is.lookin forward for your help and support..

I have a girlfriend and our love is a long distance relationship.I have heard several times and read numerous times that LDR doesn't work most of the times.. but I put us in that very few category where it works bcoz what we both believed was ::: to run and maintain a relationship all we need is true love,commitement,trust and understanding.whether its LDR or any kind of love.

We started our relationship 5 months back and everything was going so very smoothly.oh yeah sorry.. both of us are 26 yrs of age... well everything was perfect and we used to write lovey dovey notes in our blogs or public domain lyk myspace... she haD MY PICTURES IN HER social networking site and I had hers.we talks everyday on phone,we chat on Yahoo and I even talk to her parents as well.they llike me too.I know its been 5 months.. still everything was perfect... ya forgot to mention, she have a son from her ex... but trust me,I love him a lot and I feel for him as my own son.I shed tears of joy when I see him smiling and cry when I see him sad.u might not believe but that's the fact.
She talks to my mom,my siblings and my friends over the phone... but we are continents apart though we are frm same nationality and share same religion(thats not important).

But lately,say about a month back,things started changing slowly.our skyping through cam reduced to a great extent bcoz she doesn't want it,we chat bt it wasn't as pleasing as before from her end,we talk over the fone but sumhow she is most of the tym speechless and gets angry with me very often.and she started seeing mistakes in me though I have been the same right frm the beginning.
And few days back she asked me to kindly remove her pictures from my public domain page along with her comments saying those are our personal feelings and no need of displaying it to the world... now 2 things striked my mind:
1.. I agreed with what she said because that way, we are inviting bad omens frm people as they talk lot about us through our page.
2.. I felt she is trying to hide my identity thinking in case she falls into another relationship,,
Siltl I agreed and did what she requested... and 2 days back she wanted to end our relationship... and the reason was very funny:here it is..
We chatted after she came frm work.. we do everytym... and she wanted to sleep... but after about 15 minutes I ended up calling her though I know she said she will sleep... I cald because whole day she haven't said I love you to me and I was sad about it.maybe I sound kiddish here.so I cald her ad that fumed her so badly saying she wants to end this relationship because I don't understand her lyf,, I don't respect her tym,, says I'm too sensitive,, I agree I'm sensitive by nature bt I hardly showed my sensitive part to her because I know what kind of person she is... I apologized and told her the reason for my cal,she said BS.and I love you and wantd to end it.
I asked her to gimme opne last chance to prove myself and told her it was my selfishness that made me call her and sumtyms myt have irritated her before also... I told her to let me prove that I've changed and won't be selfish again.she doesn't want it.and says I can't say anything ryt now.im worried about us... at the same tym I'm worried about her son because he is calling me Daddy already and he loves me a lot.recetly I met him and we had wonderful tym.wen I left frm his school,he cried his heart out saying daddy I will miss u.we are both attached to each other deeply.. and if something happens to me and my galfrn,I will be very sad for her son...
Please help... wat should I do... I don't think I've been bad enuff to deserve a breakup.. but stl maybe I've been wronng on my part as well.im ready to do anything or follow anything to mend my selfishness and narrow minded part if there was any frm my end.
So any of your helps or ideas will be deep appreciated and sorry foor the long post.. thanks for your patience in reading it...

[talaniman]

Would love to give you help and advice, but chat/text, and poor spelling makes understanding your problem a real hard chore. At least communicate in a way we all here can understand.

You can edit and spell check with the blue edit button, and I am sure you will get a lot of input!!

[loving_you]

Hi Talaniman, I thank you for reading my post and I'm very sorry if my writings were hard to be understood.
Well I remember your advices on Imissher.. do you remember him.. he also had similary sort of propblems like mine but his relationship was limited to him and his galfriend.. you guys have helped him tremendously and I was surprised to see how all of you put all your efforts to make him live again with hopes and positive attitude.

[Wondergirl]

I don't quite understand, partly because of all the chat speak. (There is a rule for this site: NO chat speak!)

You are continents apart, but have met in real life? Also, how old is her son, and how has he come to love you so much that he calls you "Daddy"? I thought most or all of your conversations so far were electronic and for only five months.

[loving_you]

Wondergirl, I agree with you.my relationship with my girlfriend has been a long distance love.its true we have never met each other so far.but we have constantly been in touch through phones,skyping and Yahoo chats and emails.
Well for me, the key to maintain a relationship not only being physically near to each other... but if you have love,trust,commitments and understandings... that is what will strengthen your one's relationship.
And her son is 6 years old.I have been talking to him almost thrice every week.he is in boarding school in my country but she is far away in another continent.I have met him once.she introduced me to her son.he have never had the fatherly love and cares from his real biological father.so when I first spoke to him, he asked me, can I call you my father?that filled my eyes with tears and I was so very happy to hear those lines from him.I love and care for him truly and I understand he is just a 6yrs old kid,but he genuinely feels for me too.my girlfriend,her parents were very happy about everything.I have met her parents as they invited me to see them... things went great until last few days that she changed drastically.. now she wants to end our relationship saying she fears that she is risking her son's life thinking in case if anything happens between us,he will be confused and sad.I agree with her.but then why does she fears? That's my question and concerns.
Is it that she has started thinking I'm not the right person for her?
Please help. :(
Thanks for reading.

[Cat1864]

If you don't mind my asking, what country do you reside in? I am wondering if there may be some cultural issues as well as the relationship moving extremely fast. Did you know each other for any amount of time before you became involved in a 'romantic' relationship?

At best, I would think that she is getting cold feet because of how quickly the relationship is getting serious. It seems everyone except her has met you in person and that doesn't sound like a good thing for your personal relationship. It seems like this is proceeding at everyone's pace, but hers.

You seem insistent on her sharing your feelings and she may not have them yet. She may have gotten caught up in a new relationship and is now realizing that she still needs time. Calling her back after she said she was tired may have shown her that you aren't as sensitive to her needs as she would like a partner to be.

Give her time and space. Do not contact her friends, family and most of all her son. Let her decide if and when she wants to continue contacting you. In the meantime, continue living your life. Don't hang around your computer waiting for her to 'call'. Go out with your friends. Meet new people. Have fun. Have new experiences that make new stories to share with her or anyone else.

Good luck.

[loving_you]

Hi Cat,well she is in London and I'm in Asia.both of us share the same nationality,same religion and same culture.
Its very true,I have met almost everyone from her family member except her.
I thought of doing no contact but then I find it very very hard to not talk to her son who is like my son to me.it might sound funy and strange to you... but I really feel like his own father.
So even if I don't contact her... but my talks with her son will make her feel that I'm still running after her.
And the ultimate truth is, I love her and I really want to make this relationship work.
Please suggest.

[talaniman]

Are you saying you have not met her in the 5 months you have been talking but you see her son often, and have met her parents.

Please explain why this is so, and you have never met??

[Wondergirl]

You said, "i have met him once." How could this happen, "she introduced me to her son," if she is in London? Who is allowing him to use the computer in the boarding school and setting it up for him? A family member near him who is helping with this "romance"?

You said, "he have never had the fatherly love and cares from his real biological father.so when i first spoke to him, he asked me, can i call you my father?that filled my eyes with tears and i was so very happy to hear those lines from him.i love and care for him truly and i understand he is just a 6yrs old kid,but he genuinely feels for me too."

So you and this young woman have already included a number of her family members and also her innocent young son in this intrigue that she wants to end (and thereby break her son's heart)?

You cannot use his feelings for you as a ransom to make her love you again. The kindest thing you can do is to tell him goodbye and give a reasonable explanation and then disappear from his and her life (and get back your own real life). There is no way you can make her love you again. After only five months, she has changed her mind. It's over.

[loving_you]

Thanks for the answers.
She love me a lot too.and she truested me that's why she introduced me to her son who is like my son too.well her son is in asia, studying in a boarding school and she is in London.
I'm not trying to use her son as a ransom to get her back.im not that heartless or a mean person.
The fact is I love her truly and I am very much attached to her son as well and I will be very sad in case if we break-up because that way I will have to get away from his life too and I'm sure it will hurt him and he will be confused why Father is not calling.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe and think from my perspective.
She said she wants to break-up because I'm not trying to understand her chaos at work.she says I keep calling her everyday even when she is at work.I wouldnot have done that had I known it was a problem for her to pick up the phone.but she was always available to answer the phoe and that's why I made this mistake.
But now I know where I went wrong.. and I realised what mess I have done.and if I think well,, whatever I have done was not so bad that I will deserve a break-up.. and yesterday she called and said I will see if you will try to work on what I have I done...
So I am here for all your suggestions and advices.. please help...

[Wondergirl]

yesterday she called and said i will see if you wil try to work on what i have i done....

She is still willing to work on the relationship? What does she tell you to do and not to do (you need SPECIFIC guidelines)?

I still do not think it is a good thing for you to become so close so quickly to her son. That is not fair to him. Again I ask, is someone helping him connect to you on the computer and giving him computer time -- THREE times a day?

You are thinking only of yourself in this situation -- not caring for her son and not caring for her. You must do what is best for them, not for you, not what you want to do.

I work with two women from Delhi. Are you and this girl Indian and Hindu? That would help me understand the involvement of and acceptance by her family.

[loving_you]

No we are not indians...


He stays in a hostel and I talk to him over the phone.

[Wondergirl]

no we are not indians......

Thank you. I do realize other Asian families are close and very involved in each other's lives.

Please answer the question I asked about how the boy is able to be involved with you so often on a computer. Can that be stopped?

(This is a very unusual situation from what is usually posted on this site. We really do need more information in order to help you in the best possible way.)

[loving_you]

I appreciate you taking time wondergirl.
As I have mentioned earlier, I don't interact with my son through computer.I only talk to him through phone, say about thrice in a week.and its been only about a week that I came back after meeting him up.and I met her father also for the first time.
All of a sudden,she wanted a break-up fearing in case if anything goes wrong then it will hurt our son badly which I completely agree with her. But I'm so very sure about my love ad feelings for both of them that it will never change.so why does she fear?
Do you think her fear is because she wants something else now?

[Wondergirl]

i dont interact with my son through computer.i only talk to him through phone

Wait! Is this YOUR son too? I thought he is from an ex (ex-husband?).

[loving_you]

Oh yeah.I am sorry.he is not my biological son. But I treat and feel him as my own son.therefore I addressed him as my son.

[Wondergirl]

yesterday she called and said i will see if you wil try to work on what i have i done....

She is still willing to work on the relationship? What does she tell you to do and not to do (you need SPECIFIC guidelines)?

So she is still open to mending the relationship?

[loving_you]

Yes that is what she told me over the phone yesterday... she says the reason for her wanting for a break-up was I'm tooo sensitive for her.she is kind of independent girl.I do know that... I have given her enough space.I never bother her that much... but yeah... I also know at times I have told her, sometimes it hurts when I feel you don't care for me and stuffs.. and that fumes her up saying.. everyone has different way of expressing love which I agree. But then what wonders me is,, if she is not able to show much cares and love to me,I don't mind.but why is she feelig suffocated of me loving her so much.coz I kow very well that I have never ever disturbed her private life of work,meeting up friends and stuffs.
So I'm confused... but yeah... ir eally want to do my best in this relationship to save it for the future that we have dreamed and planned..

[talaniman]

she said she wants to break-up because I'm not trying to understand her chaos at work.she says i keep calling her everyday even wen she is at work.i would not have done that had i known it was a problem for her to pick up the phone.but she was always available to answer the phone and that's why I made this mistake.
But now I know where I went wrong.. and I realized what mess I have done.and if I think well,, whatever I have done was not so bad that I will deserve a break-up.. and yesterday she called and said I will see if you will try to work on what I have I done...
So I am here for all your suggestions and advices.. please help...

Obviously you calling her at work all the time makes her mad at you. Stop calling her at work.

yes that is what she told me over the phone yesterday... she says the reason for her wanting for a break-up was I'm tooo sensitive for her.she is kind of independent girl.I do know that... I have given her enough space.I never bother her that much... but yeah... I also know at times I have told her, sometimes it hurts when I feel you don't care for me and stuffs

I think she is trying to tell you that you are to needy, and insecure and she feels smothered that you always have to be reassured of how she feels about you. That's called being "clingy", and is a big turn off to an independent working woman who expects you to be able to do your thing without her, and be okay with it.

Its simple, have other things besides her (or her family, or child) that you like to do, and enjoy for yourself, and share happiness, instead of insecurity. That will give your life the balance you need to be able to deal with this situation. Then she may appreciate, and even miss you. Independent types like independent types, not guys who are begging for love and attention all the time.

Think about it, and make the Long Distance conversations count for more than stroking your fragile ego!

[loving_you]

talaniman, that's exactly what she have told me.and yes very very true. She also said that she is tired of assuring me that she loves me.and says she don't have to be with me to show her love. Everyone has different way of expressing love.she said that about a month back and since then I never made her feel so...

Edited for meanng????