[JudyKayTee]

It's my understanding, I believe I read in one of the threads, that OP is already on some type of drug therapy for depression or some other issue. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ty-465571.html

Maybe THAT'S the Physician he should be talking to. I realize that Physician asked him why he's depressed.

Maybe depression is at the root of this problem with the girlfriend/fiance - or maybe it's the other way around.

241 posts, still no action, just reaction.

[talaniman]

The process is on the table, That's a start. Talking about it is a start. None of us lives on the timetable of another, people move at their own pace. I get the frustrations from everyone, I have them too, and I know so does he. Its not about us and OUR frustration, its about guiding him through the process, of dealing with himself. The same hold true for everyone else who comes to this forum looking for answers to personal problems, so before I hi jack his thread, any further is by saying I think we all have been through that kind experience, and remember how totally frustrating it was. I surely do.

[jmjoseph]

The bad thing is that this relationship already has some serious issues.

What is going to happen when you introduce the children/stepfather problems that are bound to come up. You will always be in the wrong, your vote will not count, and you'll be eating only the french fries at the bottom of the bag. Her children are her life right now. Add the fact that they require special attention and care... hind teet.

I just hope that you are a light sleeper, and can hear the smoke alarm. Because you my friend will probably be last to be awoken in an emercency. Right behind the dog.

The dog that is keeping you from shackin' up with your cougar.

[Larken85]

The thing is there has been no process started. Like I said counseling will only work if there is a willing participant to make the change needed to improve on life. That is how most counselors work. Have experience in that area.

Yes I do have to be willing to change and participate in making the changes. I know that she is not the only one that needs to change as well. But the advice that I have gotten is to get good and gone, if the counseling is not specifically geared towards helping us keep it together then I am probably not going to choose to do it right now. I do love her, and I believe she loves me.

As an added note, she just got a job working assembly at a plastic factory on third shift. It's a temp job but its certainly a start. She realized that I am no longer going to kill myself to give her money. Now, with her working there will be no need for overtime and I will have all of my weekends to myself. This is not the fix all but having my own money is going to go a long way towards keeping me happier in general.

Someone once said that money can't buy you happiness. This may be true, but money can sure make you miserable if you do not have any.

[Larken85]

The bad thing is that this relationship already has some serious issues.

What is going to happen when you introduce the children/stepfather problems that are bound to come up. You will always be in the wrong, your vote will not count, and you'll be eating only the french fries at the bottom of the bag. Her children are her life right now. Add the fact that they require special attention and care..... hind teet.

I just hope that you are a light sleeper, and can hear the smoke alarm. Because you my friend will probably be last to be awoken in an emercency. Right behind the dog.

The dog that is keeping you from shackin' up with your cougar.

I'm not yelling back, but I do have to say that this is not true. She would not leave me to die in the flames, she would need my help to get the kids out. So if only for my services of strength she will wake me. (not that I believe that she wouldn't wake me first simply because she loves me). Lol.

She does love me and she is trying to find a way to connect to me better. Reciently she has realized that if I have an issue she is to leave me alone until I am ready to tell her what it is so I do not word it venomusly. That's another start right there.

And to judy, yes, the heart of my depression is her at the moment. The relationship itself is weighing heavy on my heart. However I have been depressed for far longer than I have known her, so the roots are not her fault. They have just grown further since I've been with her. Every big problem is another inch to the roots. Its hard, but I believe that this can work out. However I am not going to hold my breath on her changes as she has done this before. I am not a firm believer that people can change who they are very easily if at all. And if her changes do not stick, then I will walk away. There comes a point when there is just no point in trying anymore, and that point is soon. It sucks, but it is soon and I won't pretend not to realize that.

[JudyKayTee]

Why do you think she loves you? Take away the money you provide, add her behavior - and you think this is love?

Just by means of background how many other relationships have you been involved in?

[JoeCanada76]

My guess and your guess is that larken has never been involved in any relationships before this.

I will bet my farmville money on it. Lol

[JudyKayTee]

Probably a good guess - oh, in case you are scorekeeper this week it's 247, now 248, and counting.

I'm wrapping my mind around unarmed security guard, not making a lot of money, 12 years younger, no children, woman, ex-stripper (or something), children, in love with said unarmed security guard.

Well, I'm trying to wrap my mind around that.

[Homegirl 50]

Larken85 you say you don't want to see a counselor who tells you that you need to leave this woman, well that is your problem. You are not ready for counseling. You know what you need to do, you just are not ready to do it. You want to continue to bury your head in the sand.
The relationship you're in is dysfunctional at best. You don't want to acknowledged that. You want to be told how to stay in it and I don't think anyone here is going to tell you that.
I think you both are enabling each other's dysfunctional behavior. Maybe you stay with her because you don't think you can get anyone else.
Everything seems to be on her terms. A guy as young as you who accepts being tied to this older woman with two kids who will take money for rent but will not allow you to live with her, who tells you what to do with your money and withholds sex, has a problem.
You have no self esteem and are insecure. Why else would you subject yourself to this treatment. Don't say love, this is not love, it is dependency.

[Cat1864]

Larken, I can understand a desire to try to work things out and stay with her. However, I look at all of your threads, some on the Adult Sexuality board, and I don't see a strong foundation to this relationship. Everything is Mine and Hers. So far, no Ours.

In all of this, have I missed where you two can actually sit down and hold a discussion on any topic that doesn't end up in arguments, ultimatums, or temper tantrums?

One thing that hasn't been addressed that I am now curious about, how does your dog get along with the hostage (her dog)?

[talaniman]

It is so easy to be in love, and have the problems that go with it. It makes you wonder what to do especially when your being pulled in so many ways.

The thing we all forget when we have very intense feelings is to have a healthy relationship, we must be healthy ourselves and to deal with a partner in a mature way, we have to be mature ourselves.

I think we may have a mutual dependence thing going here, and think its love, I don't know. But what we do know as fact is that our young friend is having his problems because he doesn't know himself as well as he could.

Even if she doesn't partake of counseling with you, you could benefit greatly I think from someone who can guide your through the process of knowing yourself so much better.

I don't think it's a coincidence you never mention friends, or activities who are close enough to consult, and bounce ideas off.

I don't see a trusted older guy in your life, and that's an impression I keep getting by what you write. So while I understand the confusion, I always tell people that its not the situation with a partner that defines us, it's the relationship with ourselves that does. People who know what, and who they are, and what they stand for, seldom will fall for just anything, nor be sidetracked by the emotional drama and shortcomings of others.

That's where I think your sitting now, making something that looks good on paper, into more than it is, because another has convinced you its working when it 's really not working for you.

Remember back when I said that a guy goes fishing for 3 days? It s not about the fish, its about letting the mind clear, and the emotional dust to settle. Its to get back in touch with reality, and yourself. Right now your convinced what she wants is what you want, but are not separating the two, to see how that works.

You will get there though, even if it does take a few more pages.

[amicon]

Very true Tal-cant rep yet-I think some counseling and some 'Larken'-time,whether its fishing or kayaking would be a great idea.

It is a mutual dependency thing,which ,of course is never healthy.

[Larken85]

What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.

The dogs have never met, but my dog won't be coming with me, my parents are far to attached to her.

By trusted older guy are you talking like my father? My step-dad? Well trusted is something I do not consider my stepdad on this issue. My real dad however I would listen to. He is afraid to tell me what he thinks about this though, as I stopped seeing him over religon when I was 16. We have since patched things up, and I totally regret the choice I made on that one. He is the one person I have always been able to turn to. Now though I just don't feel like I can turn to him.

I have to look at who I am, and who I want to be. I need to learn to love myself and be myself. I need to have my needs met, and I need to know just what my needs are.

I haven't even been in a long term relationship that has lasted this long before. Usually the girl cheats on me way before now. Nice huh. There is another piece to the puzzle for you lol. The reason for my depression. Every girlfriend I have ever had Save 3 have cheated on me at one point or another no matter how serious we were. I have dated almost 30 girls in my short life by the way. The pieces just keep falling into place.

Well thus you can see what keeps me in this relationship so strongly. She isn't a cheater. I know that not all girls are, but all my age seem to love cheating on me. So I decide to go older, I went after her, and I got her. She doesn't cheat, even if she isn't fair. Or nice all the time. Oh, and unlike another ex she doesn't hit me either. That's a huge plus.

Cat, you're right, things haven't ever really been "Ours". That's something that is going to change right now. I need things to be ours, not hers, not mine. Our communication skills still suck though too, we're on different wave links.

I can't remember what else I was going to say... Sorry.

[friend4u178]

Have you ever sat back and analyzed WHY the majority of relationships you've had end in you being cheated on etc.

Might be time for some self reflection to see if there's a problem that you bring to the table that initiates this type of behaviour , and if so work on it.

I just don't see how being with someone just because you think there's less chance that she'll stray is Love , besides you don't know for sure that she won't.

Just some things to ponder.

[talaniman]

What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.

What I meant was you're a young guy who is learning without guidance, or the proper support system in place. You are very imbalanced socially from what I see, and have little objective input from outside of yourself.

Given what you have been through, you seem to have taken the lessons to be learned, and cast them aside, or are ignoring them, because maybe your choices where not that great

If you have encountered 27 cheaters to partner with? That's truly unbelievable, and an honest self evaluation is long overdue. I mean the common denominator for your life experiences is YOU, and the path you take. It's the same for us all.

[JudyKayTee]

This girlfriend/fiance is an improvement over the past girlfriends/fiances because she doesn't cheat on you or physically abuse you?

She just emotionally abuses you?

Have you ever simply sat back and read what you have written? If you do I think you'll see what everyone else sees.

How many of these cheaters/abusers have you been involved with?

[Homegirl 50]

What you are saying is, you would rather be abused and made a fool of than to be cheated on.
She takes your money runs your life and treats you with disrespect, and you would rather have that than a cheater? What you are doing is settling for what you think is the lesser of two evils. This lady is not a prize.

I don't think you are emotionally ready for a relationship because you are not ready to face yourself and deal with what's there, and until that happens you are not going to be a happy person, and you are not going to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

[friend4u178]

She just emotionally abuses you?

Judy makes a very good point here.

She definitely has abused you emotionally and as stated earlier in this thread she was virtually blackmailing you with emotional threats if you didn't help her with the rent etc.

This has seemed to have subsided somewhat but only AFTER you put your foot down from the advice you got here , will it last , Geez I'm not so sure to be honest.

[Larken85]

This has seemed to have subsided somewhat but only AFTER you put your foot down from the advice you got here , will it last , Geez i'm not so sure to be honest.

That is what I am waiting to see. I don't know if it will last. She knows that I am fed up with that treatment so she has stopped for the time being. However if we were to wed what would happen? The saying that people change after marriage isn't that far off base, but its more like people revert in my opinion. I need to know that the change in her is going to stick for good, not just until the ring goes on. And I am not willing to enter into a marriage with someone I am not sure of. I have told her this too. So I guess we are taking it one day at a time.

Tal, that was very very well put.


What will last is my foot being put down, slammed down if need be. I will not allow it. There is no place for that in my life.

[jmjoseph]

If you were my son, and I'm old enough to be your father, I would advise you to wait AT LEAST 5 years before you even THINK about being married. Take some time to have fun, and learn about yourself. Date, but nothing serious.

In a sense, you are still a child looking for acceptance.

If a man was constantly getting bitten by dog, after dog, after dog, I would recommend starting with a hampster.

When I was your age, I took time to play. And play I did. I have no regrets. Well... that's a different thread.

I SMELLED the roses, but did not run nakedly through the thorns.

You are the first "little pig" who is building his house of straw.

Wait until you get some bricks.

You will be a bitter old man unless you take the time you need to have fun, and just be Joe.

Solo Joe.

And go back to school. Make the most out of your life.

Go talk to your biological Father.

I sure wish I could talk to mine.