I have been having an issue for quite some time that I have just ignored. Now, it is kind of scaring me. So, here it goes...

When I was younger (12 to be exact) and my mother was told she had 2 years to live I suffered from depression. I was put on Xanax for 2 1/2 years. After my mom died my disorder got better for some reason and they moved me down to paxil. Then, after about another year I weened myself off it completely and I haven't taken anything since. I'm 24 by the way.

For the last 2 years I have been seeing symptoms again. The main thing that I have noticed is the general feeling of hopelessness. I have everything to be happy about. I have a wonderful husband, I'm happy with my job, you understand. But, every time something good happens or a good thought creeps into my head a bad thought pops up and then that's all I can think about. It completely beats down the good thoughts until I am like, dissolved completely in the bad and it is on my mind for days. I can talk to people and write things down and it doesn't help. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong but I honestly can't tell him. It doesn't feel like there is anything wrong but I never smile anymore and I always dwell on every single, teeny, tiny little thing that is bad.

Another thing is, these symptoms have been worsening. Like, to the point of severity. Twice in the last 6 months I have been having suicidal thoughts. I can't tell my husband because he thinks this whole 'mental illness' thing doesn't really exist as far as like, depression goes. He thinks you can just think happy thoughts and be better. These thoughts scare me.

I have also been crying randomly for no reason and when he asks me why I honestly can't tell him why. I have been having anxiety attacks right before my period too. Not really bad ones but bad enough to stop me from what I'm doing.

I have been reading up on this PMDD thing because the more severe things happen before or during my period. It has a lot of interesting things in there about like, if you already have depression then it can make PMDD worse and vice/versa. I have no medical insurance so seeing a shrink or an OB/GYN is out of the question. I do have my annual Pap Smear at planned parenthood and I thought about asking her about all of this.

I just wanted to get your opinion on what is going on. I really need some advice on what to do and how to help make it less severe. What do you think it is?

From what it sounds like you are severely depressed. There may not always be a reason for it, hell somedays life just sucks no matter what. I know the feeling. My doctor asked me if I ever cried for no reason (I haven't) but I have thought about things that I just not normal to think about. Like my fathers death and what I am going to do when he dies. Understand that my dad is healthy as a horse and a long ways from death.

Also understand that I am 24 as well and I have a pretty tramatic relationship that, against the better judgment of all these nice people, have chosen to stay with. My doctor put me on one med, it worked well but not well enough, then she prescribed another on top of that for a side effect however it hasn't cured the side effect. My depression is nearly all gone, sure I still fear things, I still get sad and moapy at times, but I don't lament on my issues anymore.

I used to be sad for days on end, but now they are more brief spurts of saddness. I guess what I am saying is you need to see a doctor about this immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts. That's BAD! And no medical insurance doesn't mean squat, there are places all over the world that except patients without insurance. I am going to one right now. (though I just got insurance and am using that now I originally wasn't insured and the visits only cost me $40 a visit.) So find yourself a good family doctor and talk to him/her about all this. I'm serious yo

Depression is recurrent and can re-emerge at anytime. The thought processes you have described certainly sound symptomatic. Fortunately, your description leads me to believe you have a better than average ability to recognize harmful thought patterns and how they can control your emotions. With that in mind, don't allow the ideas of self harm to continue. You can get immediate help by contacting your local suicide/depression hotline. They also provide information on depression and treatment. The service is free and confidential. In addition they can provide a list of resources based on your ability to pay within your region.
The number is: 1-800-273-8255

Please use this number. They deal with these issues everyday and can get you moving in the right direction.

You mentioned two antidepressants used at an earlier age. In your opinion, were either effective at that time? If so, that saves a lot of time and will provide some immediate relief. Of course, it will require a prescription, but it's not necessary to look for psychiatrists. Over 93% of depression is diagnosed and treated in the primary care setting.

Whether your condition is related to menstrual cycle isn't the first consideration. First, is to address suicidal ideation, second to control the symptoms of depression, and then the underlying cause can be determined and hopefully remedied. It's very important to keep pressing forward to a resolution otherwise it could continue to worsen.

Holly,
I am hurting for you. I'll tell you a bit about me and think it might help.
I'm 39 and a mother of 2 teenagers. I have been married for 18 years and like you, my husband is wonderful! I had some mild depression when I was a teen but didn't get treatment. It wasn't severe. Things were going well for a few years but I did tend to stay up some nights worrying about things that seemed silly in the morning. I had some post partam depression with my first daughter, but it passed. After my second child, the depression was severe for about 3 days, than lifted. The next few years were fine. In my late 20s the depression came back. It was mild at first. Soon it required medication. It was fine for a while. When I tried going off the meds I totally crashed!! It has to be the worst feeling in the world! I was in my early 30s and my marriage was wonderful, my kids healthy, happy and smart. We were building our dream home, my husband was making a lot of money and I have always been able to be a stay-at-home mom. Life was perfect, but it wasn't. I too had every reason to be happy, but I wasn't. My emotions were going up and mostly down on a daily basis. I went back on meds but they couldn't work fast enough and before I knew it, it happened. It was moving day into our beautiful new house and I lost it. I sat shaking and shaking, and could not hold a thought. I felt total despare. I can't quite describe it. All I could do was just sit there. In the next few days I tried everything to keep my mind off it but it was still there. It became worse and worse and within a couple of weeks I became suicidal. The primary care doctor sent me to UVA. I had every test done and was diagnosed with severe clinical depression (duh!) The attending Dr. convinced me that I wasn't crazy but very ill. My husband, who has a bachelors of Science in Psychology from UNC-Chapel Hill knew that this existed but was still amazed at how devastating it could be. He sat in the Drs office and cried saying he didn't know what to do, "my wife wants to be dead." Men like to fix things. They started me on Effexor and wellbutrin and tried to keep me drugged long enough for the meds to kick in. It took a while a while and I had to be hospitalized but things finally got better. I was told that if you ever had a depressive episode, like you, you have a greater chance of having another one. All of this happened to me in the winter, which is more difficult for most. My family has a history of depression but mine is the worst. I'm 6 years into treatment and am great! I can't be more thankful for my mental help. I tried to go off one of my meds last summer but it didn't work out so I went back on it and may always have to stay on meds, which is OK. Sorry for the long story.
You really need to get help. Even if you think it isn't unbearable yet, there is a better quality of life for you. You sure don't want it to become any worse. When I was at my lowest the Drs told me that I don't need to suffer and help is on the way. I'm not familiar with the health department but I'm sure they can do something. I've seen a lot of people suffer because they have a stigma about depression. Take your husband with you and have a doc explain things to him. The condition is out of your control and you can't "think" or "wish" your way out of it. Also understand that no medication works for everyone. It may take a combination of meds or trial and error but there should be something that works great for you. Let us know how things go and remember that you don't have to suffer and help is on the way!!

I thank you all for your stories and kind words. It means a lot to me to know that complete strangers can still care. I don't have the suicidal thoughts very often but when I do they scare me to death. I am lucky to be able to realize what I'm thinking and realize that it's bad and call someone to make them stop. Last night I called my friend and she talked me through it.

The thing that bothers me is that I just can't be happy. No matter what is going good in my life I have a feeling of despair and I feel like nothing will ever be good. That's that hopelessness thing again I guess. I worry about bills, if I'm too fat, why did I spend money on something stupid, a zit, my fish, my dad, my grandpa. But it all starts with one trigger thing and then I just go on down the line and can't stop with the bad thoughts. Then, it takes hours to go to sleep because I have all these thoughts in my head. Then, once I do sleep I sleep for 10 or 12 hours.

I'm tired of this. My husband deserves to have a happy wife. He deserves a good wife. I know I can be happy and be good but it doesn't seem to be working for me.

You certainly are lucky to be able to make these realizations. That helps immensely but only if you act on those abilities. You need some assistance to structure and direct those abilities. You would be an excellent candidate for CBT based therapy (needs not be psychiatry based). YOU deserve to be happy and you can get there.

Holly, CBT is short for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a here and now problem solving approach. CBT is widely used in the treatment of depression and numerous studies have demonstrated it's effectiveness. Part of CBT (the Cognitive part) is teaching the client to recognize the emotional triggers that lead to depressive episodes. You seem very astute at that, which was my thought in mentioning CBT. You should be a therapists delight. It is likewise a brief psychotherapy that teaches you how to more effectively manage your emotional state and doesn't require years of continuing therapy.

The behavioral part amounts to developing methods to counter the triggering thoughts. The goal of CBT is to bring about a self-controlled emotional balance without the need to stay on antidepressants over the long term.

This is quite different from the older psychodynamic approaches which sought hidden meaning within the realm of the unknown (ala Freudian based).

CBT is a method and is practiced by a wide range of treatment providers. Social workers, psychologists, etc which gives you a wider selection of community resources...

You will have no difficulty finding info on CBT nor supporting studies. You can begin here with the website for National Institutes of Health, for a very brief description.

If you need further information I will be happy to help but available online resources are probably far superior to my narratives on the subject. Either way, keep working on it and you will achieve improvement.

Late addition: University of Michigan has a brief description of CBT and how it is used in treating depression.

The racing thoughts can be a result of the depression and/or anxiety. It might help to go easy on the caffeine. The last thing you need is to be kept up all night increasing your worrying time. I'm sure that your husband would like to see you happy so he should understand that you might need additional help. It does not mean that you are crazy. You may have hormonal elements or other possible physical problems that complicate things. You just do not have to live this way. I can remember a time where I believed that things would never be good again and I was begging for help. I wasn't giving up and knew that there must be someone that could help me. I found it. It may not even require meds or the Drs idea might be perfect. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am feeling better. I sat down and wrote in my journal all the feelings I was having and that helped. I also have a new job prospect and with it would come insurance so I can get treatment. Thank you all for your thoughtfulness. I really do appreciate it.

Hey I hope it all works out for you. Glad to hear you are doing better. And Good luck on the job!

Good for you. Keep us posted.