[mudweiser]

My friend is in her early 20's. The guy she's been having and on again off again relationship with has been in and out of jail. He is also in his early 20's.

She would cry and tell me how controlling he is, how he put her down. I don't know if there has been any physical abuse, but verbal yes. He's just not a nice guy, he just manipulates her, and she is just so pathetic with him-- she tells me to watch what I say around him... she reminds me of me when I was in that disgusting relationship.

So today I got the big news, they are getting married this fall.

I've been friends with her for ages, I mean we were in diapers together, hearing this made me cry. I need to stop the wedding. I need to get her to realize what a big mistake she's making. The funny and ironic thing about all this is that she did the same thing to me before I married jerk-wad.


Help..

[amicon]

All you can do is tell her how you feel,though she probably won't listen to your advice-you didn't take hers-I don't think we listen when we think ourselves in love and can't wait to get hitched to someone unsuitable.

Sorry,Muddy,but at least she'll have your shoulder to cry on,if needed.. .

[talaniman]

I agree with Amicon, as a lot of good she did you, but you have to tell her how you feel, and how dumb you were under the same circumstances, then get out of the way and let her run full speed, and head first into the brick wall, and be there with the band-aids, and aspirin. Plenty of aspirin, for you both.

Chances are he may be in jail by fall, never know!

[mudweiser]

All you can do is tell her how you feel,though she probably wont listen to your advice-you didnt take hers-I dont think we listen when we think ourselves in love and can't wait to get hitched to someone unsuitable.

Sorry,Muddy,but atleast she'll have your shoulder to cry on,if needed . . . .

I was afraid that was going to be the answer.. I just wish there was something else I can do.

She wants me to be her maid of honor-- I'm on the fence... I don't want to go but then I do.. but I mostly don't. I want to punch him in the face... ahh!

[JoeCanada76]

Sad thing Muddy,

Is that she will probably go against your advice. Tell her how you feel anyway so she knows but unfortunately like you. She seems likes the only way for her to learn is by going through it herself.

This sounds like the one episode on Being Erica...

[amicon]

Don't punch his face-we can't have you in jail as well!

Me,I'd do the Maid of Honour thing,to show your support etc.

Grin and bear it.

[I wish]

Unfortunately, this is something that she's going to have to realize on her own.

However, what more can you do though? As a good friend, there's no reason why you can't keep reminding her that she can do better and that she deserves better. This might be a more positive approach as opposed to only telling her that he's a horrible person.

[Devorameira]

She's your best friend, so you have to be her maid of honor. It just wouldn't be right if you refused.

Please do have a heart to heart conversation with her and tell her all about your relationship and what went wrong. Tell her that you love her and voice all of your concerns. Stress that you just don't want to see her go through the same heartbreak that you've had.

The conversation probably won't make her change her mind, but at least you will have tried, and sometimes trying is all you can do.

[hheath541]

Just love her, support her, be there when she needs someone to talk to, and do everything you can to be the best friend possible. It's hard watching someone make the same mistakes you've made, but there's not much you can do about it.

Be her maid of honor. Neither of you would forgive you if you did anything less. She would feel let down and betrayed. You would be mad at yourself for not being there for her on what is one of the most important days of her life. Regardless of how things turn out, she'll always remember her wedding day. I'm sure you'd like to be able to remember it with her.

[Homegirl 50]

This girl would not listen or see your point if you showed it to her from a crystal ball. She is going to have to find this out herself, she's going to have to go the school of hard knocks.
The best you can do is be there to put an ice pack on the lump.

Fall is a ways from now, the marriage may not even take place.
It's kind of like we have to do with our kids. We can warn them all we can, but at some point they just have to fall. That's they only way they learn some things.

[Gemini54]

I suggest getting drunk together and then let her know how you feel about her. You know, one of those teary, I really care about you conversations. Draw the parallels between what you went through and what you see is happening to her.

Cautionary note 1: try not to disrespect jerk-wad number 2 (her husband to be) - you'll only have egg on your face.

Agree to be matron/maid of honor - what the hell - it's an opportunity to wear a great dress and go to a party.

Cautionary note 2: whatever happens in the future, don't ever say - 'I told you so'.

In the end, her life is her journey - who's to say that this experience (whatever it may be) won't help her grow as a person? It's her choice.

You wouldn't be the person you are now unless you'd had the experience with jerk-wad number 1.

[Jake2008]

Tricky situation to be in when things are so clear to you, and she has rose coloured glasses on.

I agree that you should be her maid of honour. That is a bond between you and her, and it would likely break her heart if you didn't do it out of a poor regard for her intended.

At some point, talk of the fiancé has to stop. The closer it gets to the wedding, the more you risk in alienating yourself from her, because she will side with her fiancé at all cost.

One thing you might do is write her a nice letter. Start with how long you've been friends, and what that means to you; funny stories and things you've been through together.

Let her know that you will be there for her whenever she needs you, no matter for what, or when.

I think it is safe at this point to leave the fiancé out of the conversation, and concentrate on the relationship between you, and her.

At some point she will need you if you're correct about the fiancé, and she will turn to you if you have not been judgmental about her decisions, and her decision to marry him.

That will be far more important down the road than anything else.

[mudweiser]

Well I talked to her last night, it was a total sob fest.

I found out that she might be pregnant. Ding ding ding! Then she mentioned another thing that made me cringe.. She wanted to marry him not only because she loves him but because she doesn't want to live in sin with him :confused: I wanted to punch myself in the face when I heard this.

I told her I wouldn't be her maid of honor in October, that if she pushed her wedding to a year I would. She said she'd push it!! What a relief. I told her that if in a whole entire year, they don't break up, he doesn't go to jail, he treats her as well as he's treating her now, he's not selling drugs, and they are a healthy couple, and the go to couple's counciling then I would be MORE than happy to be her maid of honor. Fewf.

I hope they prove me wrong, that he ISN'T a bad guy anymore. But a part of me knows that in a few months he'll be that not so good guy anymore.

I really hope she isn't pregnant either. She's just finishing school and I would hate for her to have his baby...

Ahh at least this whole wedding this is not going to be happening in 2010.

[amicon]

Good on ya-now get her to buy that pregnancy test asap!

He sounds like a 'triple'toad-lets hope for a 'miracle'.. .

[jmjoseph]

All she can see is right now.

Tell her to look down the road, when their children are in school. And how it's going to be married to a drug dealing, abusive, controlling, piece of trash. He will probably be convicted of something by then, and she is going to be left home alone, raising a felon's children.

I think you are a wise friend by getting her to wait on the wedding date.

Pretty and smart... Have you met Larken? Just kidding.

[Fr_Chuck]

You kown I have always wondered when I did a wedding, I ask, as most pastors do, if anyone objects or could show cause why this couple should not be married, what would happen if someone actually said something ( sorry that just came to mind in trying to stop a wedding)

At the end of the day, you can't, you can be honest, tell them how you feel, but don't cut off the bridge, they may need you badly in a few years

[I wish]

Looking good Muddy. I'm glad that things are developing for the better. Be proud that you made a difference!

However, there's another issue that concerns me. Even if your friend is not pregnant this time, she might be in the future (by accident or otherwise) and then she will be locked down with him.

This is the exact thread that she needs to read: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...dy-399072.html

Unless she's completely ready to fully commit to him, I don't think that it's a good idea for them to continue being so intimate. This might be a push, but I strongly suggest that she makes sure that he's a change man before she continues to have sex with him. Easier said than done, but it goes without saying that the consequences can be unpleasant.

[jmjoseph]

Muddy, this is Larken:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2331573

There is no way that he could keep up with you. He's new to the love game. He's still in training.

[mudweiser]

Muddy, this is Larken:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2331573

There is no way that he could keep up with you. He's new to the love game. He's still in training.

Hahaha jmj-- you make me sound like I'm troubled.

Anyway guys I haven't talked to her since, it's hard to reach her. We live 3 hours away from each other. We used to talk every day or close to that. But she just got involved with different people, dropped out of high school and moved out. Now she has no high school diploma, she's trying to get it now.

When she told me she might be pregnant I cried. Because I know having a child makes things a lot harder, especially with a bad guy by your side. It's like she's turning into this loser that my old town likes to produce. In my hometown there are people who just sit around all day smoking pot or doing whatever other drugs, having babies, no diploma or degree and they sit around collecting welfare cheques. I just don't want her to turn out like that-- even though she's halfway there.

:( I've also have this feeling she's going to get married behind everyone's back...

[Gemini54]

Hahaha jmj-- you make me sound like I'm troubled.

Anyways guys I haven't talked to her since, it's hard to reach her. We live 3 hours away from eachother. We used to talk every day or close to that. But she just got involved with different people, dropped out of high school and moved out. Now she has no high school diploma, she's trying to get it now.

When she told me she might be pregnant I cried. Because I know having a child makes things a lot harder, especially with a bad guy by your side. It's like she's turning into this loser that my old town likes to produce. In my hometown there are people who just sit around all day smoking pot or doing whatever other drugs, having babies, no diploma or degree and they sit around collecting welfare cheques. I just don't want her to turn out like that-- even though she's halfway there.

:( I've also have this feeling she's going to get married behind everyone's back...

So sorry Muddy, but you can't make someone do something they don't want to do - particularly if everyone else is doing it...