Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask

View Poll Results: What is the most common cause of child(ren) being abandoned?

Voters
28. You may not vote on this poll
  • The husband/boyfriend decides to cheat on his wife/girlfriend.

    3 10.71%
  • The child was an accident.

    9 32.14%
  • After having a baby, the one person does not turn out as previously thought.

    6 21.43%
  • When only one of the two people involved decides to have a baby.

    3 10.71%
  • Other reasons.

    7 25.00%
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #1

    Sep 23, 2009, 06:37 AM
    Having Children Before You Are Ready
    I'm going to keep this thread PG-13, so bare with me when I get creative with certain words.

    I've been noticing a trend, especially in the Marriage and Relationship sections, that a lot of people are having children, but one of the two parents is neglecting parental duties for various reasons.

    Here are some common cases:
    1) The husband/boyfriend decides to cheat on his wife/girlfriend, so the trust is broken and it's suggested that the man stay away from the family so that he does not alienate the family by setting such a bad example. Or vice versa.

    2) The child was an accident and now the parents are stuck with a child, but were not ready in the first place. One of the two parents will neglect parental duties because of lack of maturity. This happens for both men and woman.

    3) The couple believes that they are ready, but once they have a child, they realize that the other person is not who they thought they were. Clashes begin and someone gets kicked out of the house, leaving the child with only one parent.

    4) A dangerous approach is when only one of the two people involved decides to have a baby. This traps the other person into a situation that he/she was not otherwise prepared for.
    I wish I had a magic solution so that we could avoid every possible situation; however, that's unrealistic. I do however want to list a few suggestions that maybe help prevent some of these occurences:
    a) Before having an intimate relationship, make sure you are very comfortable with the person on an intellectual level. You can't expect to get to know a person very well only after a few months. It takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to earn the person's trust. It takes time to work on issues. But once those issues are ironed out, your relationship will be much stronger and you will be in a better position to take the next step in a relationship.

    b) Relationships don't need to be rushed. If you're already committed to one another, then spend some time enjoying each other's company and connecting an on intellectual level. Intimacy is a huge factor in the relationship, but when all is said and done, it's not the most important factor. Think about it, how many relationships have ended because of arguments compared to have many relationships ended because of lack of the physical aspects?

    c) Expecting other relatives to help you raise your child is also unacceptable. It's one thing to expect your relatives to help you babysit, but it's another thing to expect them to raise your child(ren). There are so many negative factors that can be contributed to this line of thinking.
    i) By dodging responsibility, your child could grow up to resent his true parents. Being a parent is almost like playing God. You're bringing another human being into this world. You control your child's unbringing and it's very important that the child grows up in a caring and healthy environment.

    ii) It's transfering the burden onto someone else, which is not fair to that person (or those people, i.e. grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). If you're so irresponsible, then you're not responsible enough to have a physical relationship in the first place.
    Regardless of these factors, if you feel that you are responsible enough to have an intimate relationship with the possibility of having a child, accidental or not, then you should be responsible enough to raise the child.

    d) If you're in a relationship hoping to change the other person, or hoping that the other person will change with time, then you're setting up yourself for disappointment. There's always that possibility that the person will change. But there's no guarantee. False hope has caused many to fall victim to a painful relationship. If you have so many concerns and issues about the other person, then you need to slow down the relationship and sort it out before you move forward. If you can't sort it out, it's time to end it, as tough as that sounds.

    e) Regardless of how much protection is used, there is always a chance of an accident. So when you commit to an intimate relationship, you need to be prepared for all possibilities and not assume that the protection is enough.

    f) Falling victim to a one-sided decision to have a baby can be toxic (as discussed in responses #6-9). This is a perfect example on why it is utterly important to get to know the other person well before commiting to a physical relationship. A forced pregnancy can quickly deteriorate a relationship.

    g) I cannot emphasize this more, but getting to know the person at a higher mental level is extremely important. Getting engaged is a huge step and if you still have lingering doubts, it's best to sort them out before you get engaged.

    h) Finally, marriage. If you cannot pass any of the above mentioned steps, marriage should not even be a topic of discussion.

    i) Financial stability is extremely important to raise a child (see response #5 by CFZD)
    Hopefully the information provided here will help couples realize that having a highly physically romantic relationship is not a small step. Whether accidental or not, having a child is a HUGE COMMITMENT and CANNOT be treated lightly.

    ** The information provided may sound harsh and does not cover cases of rape (see Criminal Law), drugged (see Criminal Law), and drunken accidents (see Drinking Responsibly).
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #2

    Sep 23, 2009, 06:39 AM
    I have about 24 hours to update this thread. So if you have any suggestions on what I should add or change, just let me know.

    If this thread is even useful for 1 couple, then I would be glad.

    Enjoy the read!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,277, Reputation: 5644
    Expert
     
    #3

    Sep 23, 2009, 06:45 AM
    How about adding that using grandparents to raise the children is unacceptable.

    This should be a sticky in Relationships as well as Pregnancy and New Motherhood.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #4

    Sep 23, 2009, 11:28 AM
    At first, I was going to put this thread in Parenting. This thread seems to be appropriate in several places, yet it doesn't completely fit in a specific section either.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
    Full Member
     
    #5

    Sep 23, 2009, 07:21 PM


    I would like to add:

    YOU NEED TO HAVE THE MONEY

    Having a baby is expensive. Couples should be clear about their monthly expenses, including mortgage/rent, food, clothing, entertainment, transportation, insurance, incidentals and other things you regularly spend money on. Put down how much you have coming in each month and compare them. Note how much is left over. If you're going to stop working after your baby arrives, now 's the time to start "practicing" living on less. The same goes if you're going to take an unpaid maternity leave, even though it's only temporary. I suggest couples both achieve a stable finance fundation before cinsidering having any baby.

    Don't forget to check out the health insurance options:
    Does it cover prenatal care? What prenatal tests are covered?
    Does it cover a pre-pregnancy planning visit with your health care provider?
    What delivery options are covered?
    What can I expect my total out-of-pocket expenses to be?

    It's a good idea to check on all this before you get pregnant, in case you decide that your current plan doesn't meet your needs and you want to switch. Again getting a prenatal health insurance is expensive, couples need to have efficient funds to do so.

    Find out about your company's maternity leave policy. Moms who have worked at least one year for a company with 50 or more employees are entitled to up to 12 weeks of unpaid time off. So if you are working in a company with fewer than 50 people, you should consider switch to a bigger company that provides better maternity leave policy.

    P.S. Culture makes a difference as well ( might not apply to the western culture), but nowadays having a baby before marriage in certain countries in the world is not socially acceptable. PEOPLE DO JUDGE YOU based on your actions and it will effect your personal reputation and social status.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Sep 23, 2009, 07:49 PM

    How about: To not put a child into this world in hopes that it will save a relationship that is falling apart, or is slanting in any way, shape or form is a really really bad idea?
    friend4u178's Avatar
    friend4u178 Posts: 3,349, Reputation: 1584
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Sep 23, 2009, 07:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by roxypox View Post
    How about: To not put a child into this world in hopes that it will save a relationship that is falling apart, or is slanting in any way, shape or form is a really really bad idea?
    Had to spread the love Roxy (darn rating system) , but that's exactly was I was thinking of adding. Good work!


    BTW: Great post I Wish!
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #8

    Sep 23, 2009, 07:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by roxypox View Post
    How about: To not put a child into this world in hopes that it will save a relationship that is falling apart, or is slanting in any way, shape or form is a really really bad idea?
    I'm not sure how common that is. This could also work the reverse. Because if both people involved are considering having a baby to save the relationship, it means they want to work harder and have a stronger commitment to one another. By working harder, it can actually save the relationship.

    But you're right, if the relationship doesn't work out, then it really complicates things.
    friend4u178's Avatar
    friend4u178 Posts: 3,349, Reputation: 1584
    Ultra Member
     
    #9

    Sep 23, 2009, 08:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    I'm not sure how common that is. This could also work the reverse. Because if both people involved are considering having a baby to save the relationship, it means they want to work harder and have a stronger commitment to one another. By working harder, it can actually save the relationship.

    But you're right, if the relationship doesn't work out, then it really complicates things.
    I think Roxy's point is quite valid , I've seen women purposely get pregnant to entrap their partner because the relationship is having problems , so instead of working on the relationship they've taken this avenue.

    So in essence it's more a matter of 1 partner making the choice as apposed to the couple making that choice.
    WayBackHome's Avatar
    WayBackHome Posts: 43, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Sep 23, 2009, 08:06 PM
    Original post is very good. Very thorough IMO.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
    Ultra Member
     
    #11

    Sep 23, 2009, 08:57 PM

    Love the thread Iwish and I would only add that single parent children are statistically in more trouble,have a lower socioeconomic background which in turn leads to other life situations that lead to problems that can affect them into adult life.
    The cycle seems to spiral out of control.
    Bottom line ,the children usually suffer in the end to some degree unless the single parent has a good network of family behind them.
    zippit's Avatar
    zippit Posts: 693, Reputation: 117
    -
     
    #12

    Sep 23, 2009, 09:10 PM

    Under a. and / or b relationships

    I would put to be under the same set of goals,to talk

    These out and Plan the future.
    zippit's Avatar
    zippit Posts: 693, Reputation: 117
    -
     
    #13

    Sep 23, 2009, 09:19 PM

    I call for a poll!

    If given the poll on what is the most common cause of children abandoned,raised by single parents I would have to go for
    C
    I and ii
    Underage girls trying to grow up in a hurry and be mommies..
    Anyone?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #14

    Sep 24, 2009, 06:15 AM

    Thanks for the suggestion. I just created a pool. I think it could be useful.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member
     
    #15

    Sep 24, 2009, 10:12 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by friend4u178 View Post
    I think Roxy's point is quite valid , I've seen women purposely get pregnant to entrap their partner because the relationship is having problems , so instead of working on the relationship they've taken this avenue.

    So in essence it's more a matter of 1 partner making the choice as apposed to the couple making that choice.
    This is what I have seen and heard of also!

    I would also like to add two more examples to this; a friend of mine just told me a month or so ago about a girl (a friend of her BF) who actually did this and when the relationship with a guy when the relationship was sliding down hill... and when he left her she kept the baby... not because she wanted the baby but out of revenge, that is seriously twisted! (and no this is no urban legend!) of course the maturity of this person is highly questionable though!

    In all honesty I think that this is something that actually happens.

    I have also heard of guys who mess with their GF contraception in hopes that she'll get pregnant because then she won't leave him...
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #16

    Sep 24, 2009, 10:19 AM
    24 hours expired

    Sorry guys, I can't update the main text anymore, but feel free to discuss any other issues that you think I might have missed. Or you can also elaborate on some of the points that could use more emphasis.

    To Roxypox and friend4u178: I think that the two of you are definitely adding some relevant substance to the discussion. Most of my text is based on the types of questions being asked on AMHD, so that's what I focused on. However, I think it's great that you brought up the fact that there can be other common possibilities out there that may not have been discussed in AMHD.

    This is probably a bigger issue than I initially thought. There are probably many children out there being affected by poor decisions by parents. So I'm glad that you've pointed out other aspects and perspectives to the issue.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member
     
    #17

    Sep 24, 2009, 10:53 AM

    I wish: had to spread the rep, but I'm glad to be adding something relevant!

    And I do think you're right this is a big issue, I know several adults who have grown up (well mostly with out a father), so I think its great that you made this thread!
    ZoeMarie's Avatar
    ZoeMarie Posts: 2,049, Reputation: 468
    Ultra Member
     
    #18

    Sep 24, 2009, 12:26 PM

    I kind of skimmed over the responses, forgive me if I'm saying something that has been said, but I do think that in some cases it's best for parents not to stay together for the sake of the child. I've said this in other threads, but I think that in the situation where parents are only together because they have a child together, they would be better splitting up rather than teaching children firsthand about dysfunctional families. I know my parents used to fight all the time when I was growing up. It wasn't until my mom and dad weren't living together that I saw them both truly happy.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #19

    Sep 24, 2009, 12:35 PM
    Those are valid points Zoe. Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't realize how big of an issue this was until others have brought up other valid points.

    Your response was geered more towards after a child is born. I was focusing more on issues before pregnancy. However, I do appreciate that the discussion be opened up to incorporate other relevant issues.
    h0llister's Avatar
    h0llister Posts: 335, Reputation: 15
    Full Member
     
    #20

    Sep 24, 2009, 06:23 PM

    My mom had my brother at age 18 and me when she was 20. My dad left her when she was 3months pregnant with me. (im 20 now) I grew up with no money or anything. Now its so hard getting through life. My bedroom is in the livingroom/diningroom. All my friends have their own cars and school paid for and I'm left with having to work hard to just have a chance to go to school. People please think about your finances before having a child. I'm not saying being rich or anything but just to help their life be easier.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Children with children Rights [ 1 Answers ]

What age can a minor legally leave home age 16teen with a child living in Hawaii?

Want My Children to Visit Me. Order is from State Where Children No Longer Live [ 8 Answers ]

Children were living with mother in Hawaii when order was signed. Children and mother are now living in NC, have been for 3 years. Does State of NC have jurisdiction or do we have to go back to Hawaii? I want my children to come visit me where I live and she is saying I have to go to NC to visit...

Ready for sex? [ 1 Answers ]

We've only been dating for a few weeks. I'm 18 & he's 22 He says that to make sure we connect and should go further we should have sex, to see if that brings us a lot closer. Then we can decide if we want to take it the next level. I'm not sure whether that makes a lot of sense, or if that's...

Children, Step-children, Niece: What a mess! [ 6 Answers ]

Hi, I am in desperate need of clarity and advise. I am 41, mother of 2 daughters, 3 step-kids and 1 niece. My 2 daughters 18 and 15 live with me and my husband and so does my husbands niece, 15 also. My 3 step kids are all over 23 with their own places. My husbands niece has been thrown from...


View more questions Search