[t5584]

Hey guys!! I need some advice!!
Ok I really like this Virgo guy…. I’m not really sure why exactly because he doesn’t really put himself out there much lol. We met about 5yrs ago. I worked at a mall and he tried to get my number. I was very attracted to him but the timing was all off…. Me and my ex had broken up a little over a month before and I just didn’t feel like meeting anyone new or possibly getting hurt again. I regreted not talking to him and I would see him around a lot because we had a few mutual friends but I could never bring myself to say anything. I hoped he would try again like most guys but he never did. I figured if it wasn’t meant to be!

In oct 09 I ran into him while picking up a order of food I placed at the food court of a mall I was shopping at. I’m a firm believer in fate!! I placed my order looked around and went to the bathroom and when I returned to get my food he was picking his up that he called in. We exchanged hellos and went our separate ways. I was determined to say something to this man so I sent him a friend request on Facebook and we have been disfunctionaly seeing each other eversince until now wich I’ll get to in a bit.

Since I last saw him 4 yrs ago he’d become a father, and committed vehicular manslaughter due to a drunk driving incident that happened a yr ago. Him and his bm weren’t together anymore due to the accident and some other issues he wouldn’t discuss. So our timing once again was off because now the mans dealing with bm drama and facing time in jail wich he’s serving now…. He started serving his scentence of 5 yrs yesterday. He put that all out on the table when we started talking and to his surprise and mine too by the way I still wanted to finally get to know him!

Months have gone by. We text alot… We never have that much to say on the phone like we do through texting or in person. We never actually go out …. He works a lot and is always tired. He’s offered but it feels wrong to accept because I know he really isn’t up to it. Most of our time is spent at his apt… We talk, goof around, and of course have sex! I’m not as shy a I used to be and I refuse to miss out on oppurtunities anymore so I tell him how I really like him blah blah blah…. He tells me he “he really f***s with me” but he’s not going to sell me any dream because he has a lot going on, bm drama and he wouldn’t know the verdict of his trial so he isn’t thinking about a relationship right now. I could respect and understand that. Things went the same for a while then he became more distant. The closer he got to his court date the already thick brick wall became thicker! It didn’t make sense to me… If I was a guy and I was possibly going to do time I would see my female friend more not less! He would say he liked me but he would always be out with his friends or have his kid.

What's crazy is I really like this guy. When I’m around him I feel so comfortable and secure. We just have fun together. He’s really learned from his mistakes and he is a good person. It’s a shame someone was killed in that accident and it’s a shame he could be gone for 5yrs at most. I just feel crazy because I don’t think I should like him as much as I do! Like I’m sitting here typing all this on this blog and he’s in a cell most likely not even thinking about me! I saw him the weekend before he got locked up. I had sent him some heart felt emails prior to his trial and he didn’t reply. I didn’t even get a I’ll miss you text! Not even a thank you for being a friend lol…. Nothing! I came to 2 conclusions that he grew more distant from me during his last month either because he liked me a lot and didn’t want to because of his circumstances or he would rather spend time with those he really cares about and I wasn’t worth his time…. I don't know wich one! He’s so hard to read… I can be to but lately Ive been putting myself out there more. I def always gave him his space.

I wish I would have talked to him 5 yrs ago! I wonder how things would have been! He would often joke and say we would have been married with kids and have a family dog by now. I’m soooo mad at myself. I think we get along so well… And with all that was going on in his life we still manged to have a good time together … Under normal circumstances I imagine it would be perfect! I believe good things are worth waiting for and I can honestly say if he were to tell me he felt the same way about me that I would wait for him! He most likely won’t have to serve that whole scentence. I hope I hear from him while he’s gone…. The way he’s acting I probably won’t! What should I do? Am I crazy for liking this guy do much? HELP!!

[Lucky098]

You can't help how you feel towards someone. If your attracted to someone, you don't need an explination as to why.

But.. ask yourself, were you just a fling? Or do you honestly feel like he has feelings towards you. To me, it sounds like a fling... One last lay before heading to the cell block. If he honestly cared for you and wanted this to work, he would have told you SOMETHING. Seeing as how he avoided you the closer he got to his sentence date, just doesn't seem real to me.

But, go with your gut instinct. If you feel like you can make the jail girlfriend thing work, go for it. But you need to talk to him. Visit him sometime, and talk to him. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. He might even let you know where he wants his relationship to be with you. He could have been very nervous about the trial and distanced himself from everyone too. Its very hard to tell due to the high stress he was probably feeling.. But you still deserve to know where you stand in his life. So just talk to him... Ask him what's going on with the two of you.

Good Luck..

[t5584]

I try and all I get is what I typed earlier. I don't know! If I am/ was just a fling why weren't we getting our fling on more often before he left? I asked my male friends if it was something wrong with me because my this I guy is going to jail and he won't touch me lol. Either way this whole situation is insulting. I was either a bad fling or he's just weird. As much as we used to talk all the time I would have at least thought he considered me as a friend! I would never even treat my acquaintance this coldly if I was leaving to do time. It is what it is... And I guess it ain't! Lol... Thanks!

[amicon]

Just let this be-move on to get to know and date guys with less,'weirdness'.

[talaniman]

His future is so unclear at this point, and I think you are getting so carried away, because your allowing your old feelings to get stirred up all over again, by staying in contact with him, and feeling bad about his plight.

Bad idea to base your own future on what you think he may be feeling, since he hasn't asked for anything but a friendship, and outside contact while he serves time.

Its you who is way over the top on this fantasy you let invade your thoughts, with absolutely no facts from him.

You are too close, and way to involved to be objective, and really need to back up, and see the reality, and not the fantasy you want to happen.

[t5584]

@ talaniman... I'm not in any fantasy. The man gives me mixed signals. He hasn't told me anything at all about what he wants while he's away. He hasn't asked for my friendship or any outside contact at all. I didn't hear anything from him at all prior to him leaving... That's what's pissing me off! The closer he came to going away the less time we spent together. For all I know well never talk again and that's what I can't understand. I'm in no way basing anything I do off how I think or hopes he feels. The whole point of me posting all that was that I'm actually mad at myself for likingthis guy because I have no reason to! I think timing is everything and our timing seems to always be off! I do wonder how things could have been... Me wondering that is the only fantasy I'm experiancing! I consider him to be my friend and I don't treat my friends the ways he's treating me. However I do know people handle situations differently. I keep asking myself should I make a effort to be his friend and stay in contact while he's gone or should I just say screw it... I can find out where he is but why should I have to find out... I feel like he should have told me. We have been talking for 6 months and I was pretty content with how he treated me until now


And ps.. As much as I do want to give up I have this gut feeling telling me not to give up on him. I do care about him a lot. I wish the feeling would go away but it won't!

[talaniman]

Thank you for your clarity, but as I see it, its pretty obvious he won't ask you to be his jail house girlfriend, or wait 5 years until he gets out, and maybe, just maybe, he wants you to be free to move on with your life, because he is uncertain about yours.

The closer he got to his court date the already thick brick wall became thicker! It didn't make sense to me… If I was a guy and I was possibly gonna do time I would see my female friend more not less! He would say he liked me but he would always be out with his friends or have his kid.

My point is your own hopes, and feelings, may be blinding you to the painful obvious. He can't ask you for something like that. He plainly doesn't see you as his girl, despite what you think is going on! That was what I meant by YOUR fantasy.

but he's not going to sell me any dream because he has a lot going on, BM drama and he wouldn't know the verdict of his trial so he isn't thinking about a relationship right now. I could respect and understand that

That's why you get mixed signals as it seems clear he can't feel like you feel, so you were being let down easy, but seems you have expected more than what you got, but can't accept that that was all he had to give.

You should end this speculation, and leave him alone. I can understand your feelings of WANTING more, but I doubt he is in a position to give it, nor should you offer.

[t5584]

@ talaniman... Thanks for your insight. I don't want to be his jail house girlfriend... I can't even imagine that. More than anything I would like to be his friend through his hard times. But I got to know him pretty well over the last few months and it's just hard to accept that I mean absolutely nothing at all to him. But clearly I must not. You think he let me down easy... It would have been better if he came out and said how he felt or didn't feel. I hate when people run away from their issues instead of addressing them. When I asked him why he didn't spend time with me as much since his trial was near he said I wasn't the only one he was treating like this. Well why me I wondered... What category do your ignored friends fall under lol? I guess that I'm just one of those giving people... If I care about you I try to do everything in my power to make you happy or just be a good friend. When I don't receive that back from others I have a hard time dealing with it. I think I'm going to leave it alone. Hopefully I'll hear from him... He knows my address... If I don't he can kick rocks! Thanks 4 listening !

[t5584]

Another question for you mr. Talaniman... When I said if I were a guy and I was going to do time I'd want to see my female friend more and not less I wasn't speaking romantically. Even if our relationship was just sexual and I do think it was a little deeper than that I would assume since he won't be getting any action from anyone besides his hand for the next 5 yrs he'd want to see me more because of that. That last month I only saw him one time and I don't think I would have if I didn't say anything. He used to be the one that would initiate most of our time together. What guy doesn't want to get frisky before he does time. He always said I was the only girl he was seeing... I believe him because he had no reason to lie. We were always pretty open and honest about stuff like that. You're a guy... Why do you think he acted like that? When I asked a few of my guy friends they said they would have me over every night lol. Not that I'd be that willing like take me now baby... Your leaving let's get it on but knowing how most guys are it just made think damn... What's wrong with me lol!

[talaniman]

it seems clear he can't feel like you feel,

I say that because, you are assuming how he feels based on what your feeling, and not facts which only he can provide. So of course you can't know what his thoughts, motives, or feelings are about. You lost your perspective, and objectivity, when you just considered well, mostly sex, and your own motives of giving, and what you assumed his reactions would be..

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

You never know what goes on in a persons head, or what they are going through, or how they will act or react. You just had him pegged by your own understanding of... guys, which is frankly pretty shallow.

I don't know what's on his mind either, only he does. But I don't think it was just about you, so don't take this rejection personally, as it probably had less to do about you, and is more about HIM! That's why you leave him alone.

[t5584]

@ talaniman... Thanks for the input!