[wfallon79]

I have been married almost 4 yrs. Have not been truly happy in about 2 my wife and I fight a lot and usually about unimportant stuff. A lot of the issues are because of her family and I argue with her because I don't want her to turn into her mother. But since my daughter was born in 2007 I knew things won't end well between us I always told myself no matter what happens I need to protect my daughter even if its divorce. I recently got close with a co worker we just talk take our lunch break together twice we know how we feel about each other and know it's a difficult situation. What should I do? I don't want my wifew to think I left her for another woman and I don't want to risk not getting custody of my daughter( I would want 100% because I work and she doesnt)

[cdad]

Concentrate on tending your own garden BEFORE you move on to someone else's. Your married. Your off limits and you should treat everyone the same. If your serious about possible divorce then why mess up any chances with your daughter? When you divorce its not easy. Also your NOT getting 100% from what you have already said. So best to work on what you already have and stop with the extra activity. Or you may only be seeing your daughter around strangers.

[Fr_Chuck]

Forget getting 100 percent custody, figure more on her getting primary custody ( unless you prove her unfit) and you paying her about 15 to 20 percent of your gross pay in child support. That is what you should expect to happen.

Next what should you do, you gave up without trying, she is who you married, you stop seeing this other person, period, and start marriage counseling with your wife

[friend4u178]

Try to work on your marriage before you even think about seeing anyone else , the grass isn't always greener on the other side , even though it may seem to be.

[Alty]

The phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side" is not at all accurate.

It's time to figure out if you want to stay in your marriage or leave. Do not use your attraction to another women as the end of your marriage.

Have you considered marriage counseling? That would be a step in the right direction. You've made commitments to this woman and the child you have together, try to fix what's wrong instead of looking somewhere else.

[Jake2008]

Wow, you want it all don't you.

You want out of your marriage because you have allowed yourself to get involved with another woman. You don't want your wife to turn into her mother (?), and you don't get along with her family, which you argue about. You've only been married 4 years and with the other woman on the side, that you don't want your wife to know about. And you're also some sort of moral hero in that you want to 'protect' your daughter and have 100% custody.

Men like you don't deserve any decent woman. Let me tell you why.

The ink on your marriage certificate is barely dry. Did your vows mean anything to you? Have you talked to your wife- not argued- about feeling intimidated by her family. Have you talked to your wife about attending counselling. Have you considered that the excuses you've made up to be with the other woman, are really, really lame? When is the last time you looked at saving your marriage. Have you thought of what type of woman you are leaving your wife for? She is, after all, pursuing a consentual relationship with you, knowing you are recently married, and you have a child.

If you think you are the first man to wander into murky waters with a co-worker because you don't know how to solve your own problems, you are wrong. If you think that it is okay not to work things out, or at least make a sincere attempt with your wife, and instead come up with excuses to leave her, you are wrong. If you think that your selfishness and your needs come first, and your wife's and your daughter's come second, you are wrong again.

What do you think divorce will solve, other than you can dump your wife cold and her family, and put your daughter into the parent ping pong game, not to mention divorce and the tremendous toll that will take emotionally on them.

Did you not know her family before you got married? Did you all meet at the reception and make happy? Do you just put your immaturity in being unable to communicate like a man and father, with your wife, out the window. Do you argue to justify your behaviour now?

The sparks you have with the other woman need to be put out with a good fire retardant. You need to step up, be a man, be a husband, and be a father, and give up the pathetic excuses you provide for leaving your wife and daughter. Get a referral from your family Doctor and get yourself into counselling- with your wife- and figure out what has gone wrong and how to fix it.

If you can communicate so well with the other woman, you can communicate all your problems, thoughts, and feelings with your wife, in a mature, responsible way.

You are not a man in my book. You are a selfish person who will put your own needs first, justify them by whatever excuses you can come up with, and leave an emotional tsusami in your wake without a second thought. You obviously have no idea what your actions will do, you are only interested in what you want.

You need to smarten the hell up.

[Cat1864]

I have been married almost 4 yrs. Have not been truly happy in about 2 my wife and I fight a lot and usually about unimportant stuff. Alot of the issues are b/c of her family and i argue with her b/c i dont want her to turn into her mother. but since my daughter was born in 2007 i knew things wont end well between us i always told myself no matter what happens i need to protect my daughter even if its divorce. I recently got close with a co worker we just talk take our lunch break together twice we know how we feel about each other and know its a difficult situation. what should i do? i dont want my wifew to think i left her for another woman and i dont want to risk not getting custody of my daughter( i would want 100% b/c i work and she doesnt)

Let's look at this time line:

4 years would put your marriage in 2006.

Your daughter was born in 2007.

You KNEW in 2007 when your daughter was born that 'things between you' wouldn't end well. Interesting that it coincides with pregnancy and new parenthood.

Recently, you started having lunch and 'talking' to a co-worker.

Now, you want a divorce, you don't want your wife to know the truth, and you want full custody of your child.

To put it bluntly, you are the definition of an emotional cheater. You don't want your wife to think you are leaving her for another woman, but that is exactly what you are contemplating. Why continue the lies if you are planning to dump her?

You don't want her 'turning into her mother' to the point of arguing about her family. Did you stop to think that the fighting is what is changing her? Did you stop to think that she is now a mother and has been since she became pregnant? Mothers tend to be alike on a very basic level. Women tend to mimic their mothers when they have children whether it is consciously or not.

Have you done anything other than argue, complain and give up to save your marriage? Have you tried counseling, a mature discussion about what you both expect and need, or trying to look at the issues from any viewpoint other than your own?

You say you want '100% custody' because you work and 'she doesn't'. She is the mother of a toddler and a wife. You haven't said that she is incompetent or lazy and does absolutely nothing, so, I would guess that she is working 24/7 trying to do her job. A job that I am wondering if you even grasp the smallest fundamentals of.

Somehow, I get the feeling that you are emotionally immature and dived into your marriage with no concept of what it takes to be a husband and partner. You sound as though you expected her to do everything your way and not have to compromise with her on anything. Guess what. Marriage doesn't work that way.

Now, you are just impetuously trying to jump out of the marriage and get a new playmate. I doubt your playmate will want to play mommy and daddy with you for very long if you don't learn how to deal with another equal in a relationship. At this moment, your 'friend' is someone you are talking to (she is a fantasy) and not someone that you have to work with to do chores, raise a child, pay bills, get groceries, prepare food, find time for sex, etc. Fantasy usually ends up with Reality stomping it to bits which is what I think happened in your marriage.

As has been said, stop playing with the co-worker and work on your marriage. Learn how to work with another person on a day-to-day basis. Learn how to communciate with your spouse instead of substituting another person. Learn where fantasy ends and reality begins and great reality can be if you work at it. Marriages take a lot of work by both people. See if things get better if you do your part.

Before you get huffy and start 'adding' more to the story to make yourself sound better. Remember that you chose what information to give us and the advice is based on what you chose to say and to leave out.

[JudyKayTee]

I question why the co-worker got involved with a married man with a toddler.

How interested were you in "protecting" your child BEFORE you started the relationship with the co-worker?

I think you need to work on yourself before you either end the marriage or continue with the co-worker.

[Gemini54]

How does arguing with someone stop them turning into their mother?

If you're unhappy, do something about it - you're as much a part of the problem as your wife is. Remember that old song, 'It takes two baby'?

As for getting 100% custody, dream on...