[starfish23]

I'm only 18 years old, still a virgin, and I have been going out with a guy for about 10 months. Hes 20 years old. Not long after we started dating, he started getting really "touchy feely" but at that point, it wasn't too bad. Pretty soon, he started going places I didn't want him to go (if you get my drift) but it was very rarely and when I told him to stop, he would.

It didn't take long before "rarely" became "constantly." Now he's constantly looking for any opportunity to touch me inappropriately and every time it gets harder and harder for me to stop him. Sometimes he even immobilizes my hands so I can't stop him.

Something I have noticed, however, is that he starts crying and shaking real badly while he's touching me and even starts whispering to himself to stop. Then he wraps me in his arms and starts appologizing and crying really hard.

He has to have some kind of problem but I know that he's a good guy at heart. I love him and don't want to leave him. I just want to help him some way so he goes back to the way he was before he got so scary.

[William1472]

Sounds more like human behavior than sexual deviance. Horomones and high libidos are still doing their thing at your ages. Emobilizing you or forcing himself upon you AGAINST YOUR WILL in any way is a form of sexual aggression. No means no, period.

[Gemini54]

He's not really a sexual deviant, he's just not in control of his sexual urges and doesn't understand what 'no' means.

You need to have a long talk with him - immobilizing your hands so he can touch you (against your wishes) is tantamount to rape. He needs to understand this.

The best way you can help him is to talk to him - perhaps he can go and speak with a counselor or a sympathetic adult as well. Let him know that his behavior is extremely distressing for you and that he needs to do something to get himself under control.

If he won't stop, then perhaps you need to stop seeing him.

[KBC]

I suggest not getting into the situation where he does this activity,if you don't want it,don't put yourself in the place where he can do this.

[smoothy]

I think he's just got a really weird angle to "guilt" you into putting out for him. Guys that age will tell any lie, dream up any story to get in your pants... as a guy speaking... thats the most bizarre angle I've ever heard thus far... and I'm 48.

Sexual deviant he isn't... mentally unstable... possibly.

[slapshot_oi]

In agreement with everyone; he's not a sexual deviant. He's ready for sex and you're not.

You two aren't on the same page. You're better off breaking up with him before things escalate and someone gets hurt. Ya know, "right people, wrong time".

He clearly feels bad about what he's doing, so he is a good guy, but the crying while touching you part is still weird.

[CravenMorhead]

I am not putting this on you at all. Not even a little bit.

Human behaviour is a very strange thing. With every statement and every movement there are volumes of messages that are being subconsciously sent, received, and processed.

When someone, man or woman, say no it can mean several different things. It could be a playful or flirtious no, "Her mouth said no, but her eyes and smile said....". We see that all time. There is the soft no, when it is a denial but not hard a fast. "Do you want sex this morning?" "No. Though a quickie at lunch would be nice." There is the hard No. The unequivocal, undeniable , unmistakable negation. There is no 'later' or working the question. The answer is no. "Would you like bum sex tonight?" "No. Exit only. Never!".

In communicating with your boyfriend, you need to be firm in what you're saying. I want to liken it to disciplining a dog or a child. At this point it sounds like you haven't laid out your physical expectations. You need to do it, calmly and firmly. Let him know that there is no wiggle room and that it is a expectation of the relationship that he doesn't make any physical advances that you're not comfortable with. As well as the meaning of the word No.

It is a long talk time.

As to the motives of your boyfriend? He isn't a sexual deviant. Deviant is a poor word to relate to sexuality. I think his expectations are misaligned to yours. I don't know if he knows what your physical expectations and boundaries are.

There is very little mystery in common relationships in this day an age. Most men believe that a dinner, drinks, and a Movie will be payment enough to bed you. There is very little "wait until we are married." He could be thinking that, considering the time he has put into the relationship, it is time to move things to the next level.

All in all it is arm chair conjecture. Talk with him. Don't be angry or apologetic, just be honest.

[Synnen]

Agree with everyone else that you need to talk to him when he is NOT touching you about the fact that NO means NO. Period.

Ask him if he'd like to be on a sex offenders list because of sexual assault---because if he continues after you say no, that's what he's doing. YOU need to recognize that as well, and instead of feeling guilty, or torn, you need to feel ANGRY that you are being violated.

He needs to see a counselor. Probably wouldn't hurt if you went along.

[Cat1864]

I think he has some some past issues that he needs to deal with by seeing a counselor. You are in no way qualified to help him and you shouldn't be the one to deal with his problems. I would suggest not putting yourself in a situation where his advances can become 'unwelcome' until he starts dealing with his issues. Red Flag: His behavior seems to be escalating.

When you try to stop him, do you end up crying and physically trying to get away from him (not just using your hands, but twisting and turning your body), but he still continues? How upset are you before he stops and has these 'fits'?

You need to learn a very big relationship lesson right now: How to communicate effectively with your partner/mate/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. IF you have explained to him in no uncertain terms that you are not ready for a sexual relationship, then he should respect those boundaries. IF you have been 'well maybe', you need to decide what you really want and stick to it. If he does not respect your boundaries and you have been quite clear since the beginning about them, then you may need to re-examine the relationship and how you feel about him.

"Good guys at heart" do not repeatedly 'force' or 'coerce' their girlfriends into doing things they aren't ready for. Too often people mistrust their personal warning systems and allow themselves to slide into abusive relationships because the potential abuser cries and apologises after he/she goes too far.

[slapshot_oi]

In response to the responses, I am just curiously asking questions, I'm not saying anyone here is wrong.

What's the point of talking when it's clear they want two different things from the relationship? Wouldn't it easier for them to break up so he can find a girl who's ready sex and she can find a guy who isn't? Discuss.

[Synnen]

Slapshot--while that would be an interesting conversation, it wouldn't be fair to the OP to hijack her thread to discuss it.

[hheath541]

The crying and whispering to himself makes me think he might have a history of sexual abuse. If that's the case, then it's very possible that he is unable to truly distinguish, on a subconscious and instinctual level, the difference between 'no' and 'yes.' if he was sexual abused, then sex and force may be intertwined and twisted in his mind, making it impossible for him to tell them apart.

IF that is the case, and I'm only guessing, then he needs counseling. Not just a few sessions, but years of therapy with a qualified professional.

Have you tried to talk to him, outside of these instances?

[CravenMorhead]

What's the point of talking when it's clear they want two different things from the relationship? Wouldn't it easier for them to break up so he can find a girl who's ready sex and she can find a guy who isn't? Discuss.

When someone comes with an issue like this I tend to weigh it against all the things that they didn't mention. I assume that everything they didn't mention is going right, and the issue is the one sticking point.

In this case, they get along when he isn't trying to grope her, they can converse, they share interests, all that happy horses**t that we call and effect relationship.

A lot of our expectations and boundaries aren't talked about but are conveyed using non-verbal communication. For example if a couple is at a restaurant and the Man tries to slip his hand down his SO's shirt to cope a feel and the woman slaps the hand away with an angry look than that man has learnt the boundary of where his hand may or may not go.

What has occurred here, as far as I can tell, is that the boundaries have been miscommunicated and need to be restated as well as the balance of power addressed. He is becoming the dominate one in the relationship and they need to balance that out.

As to why talking about it seems to be the default answer. There is usually a way to salvage what they have. They can come up with a solution. The solution might be a break up or just a retuning of the relationship. They need to figure out what to do. I also know of several people IRL that have developmental disorders where they don't know how to interpret body language. You need to tell them that the conversation is over and to stop talking.

I hope that address something.

[Cat1864]

In response to the responses, I am just curiously asking questions, I'm not saying anyone here is wrong.

What's the point of talking when it's clear they want two different things from the relationship? Wouldn't it easier for them to break up so he can find a girl who's ready sex and she can find a guy who isn't? Discuss.

I am going to say this to starfish about the point you bring up: I recommend discussing the issues with him because you need to develop the skill of discussing (being heard and hearing) difficult issues with your partner, whether it is this person or the next one.

If you can't even try to talk to him about the problems and maybe attempt to work together to fix them (if they can be fixed or it doesn't endanger you), chances are that you will have that same problem in the next relationship.

Also, I don't think you will walk away from him until something extremely bad happens. So, I would prefer to tell you to learn how to communicate with him in the hope that it can be worked out instead of keeping silent and allowing the current relationship to continue as it has been.

Good luck.