[Sunleth]

My story begins about four years ago. I met my ex-girlfriend senior year of high school and we had an instant connection and absolutely adored each other. We were 17 at the time so I suppose you could argue we were young stupid and didn't know what love was... but it was a deep profound connection we had and I truly do feel like I loved her then. The months go by and we start to have small petty fights, mainly because of our insecurities and believing we didn't deserve each other (hence young and stupid). We eventually graduate and I left for a month during summer to vacation and came back an emotional mess. The last month of summer our relationship gets more shaky and she goes off to college. We e-mail for a bit, things are okay and a week later, she calls me and breaks up with me on the phone, the call barely lasting 10 seconds..

For the first 3 months, I disobeyed NC in every way, e-mailing, calling trying to claw her back to me, I even made a huge scrapbook of memories for her in my attempts to "get her back". She cited many, many reasons for breaking up from wanting to experience college and meet new people to the fact that she could not deal with me and my problems, I don't remember them all, there were a few.. but those two were stressed I suppose. Finally, she mentions several times that maybe we would get back together one day, whether it be a year, two or even after four saying that if it was meant to be, then it will happen. Her responses get colder and meaner each time until I finally stop and go into NC phase. From here, I do what the stickies mainly described, the first year was terrible, horrible grades, cried everyday and wrapped in deep depression. Time goes on and like everyone says, I do get better but I'd be lying if I say I don't think about her still.

Since then I have learned a lot. I view the breakup as both a positive and negative thing. Positive being I got to do the whole rebuilding thing even thought it sucked at first. My grades have improved dramatically since, I've gotten closer than ever to my family because they supported me during my depression and I am graduating in a month with a healthy look on the future. But negative because I had to lose the first love of my life for all of it. I also have since owned up to my mistakes. Looking back at the relationship I took her for granted and didn't have my priorities straight when I was with her and overall could have treated her better so for a while I had to deal with this regret as well. I have since learned what it means to be in a relationship and have my life, friends and family priorities in order.

I'm not sure if "being a better bf" would have salvaged our relationship. Long distance is hard so I guess that is more justification for her breaking up with me. I tried hard to be angry and upset at her but as time went by I only became more understanding of what she wanted and overall I became a more understanding person in general. And in the end, all I wanted is for her to be happy, so I could never quite get into that hate her mode.

I guess my thing here is I held on to what she said about maybe one day getting back together. You could argue it was wrong of her to say that to give me that kind of hope to hold on to and I'll argue back saying that she knows what we shared was special and deep down did not want to risk losing it. We both knew how much in love we were with each other... I know everyone says it, but it was truly amazing being with her. It made me feel complete and confident in life.

So... is it worth it to contact her after all this time and break my NC? I know its supposed to be the person who initiates the breakup that has to contact, otherwise it's a sign of weakness on my part. And she actually did text message me one year after I started NC, with a merry christmas - I replied with a similar festive greeting (I didn't know what to make of this first contact at the time and still don't... maybe you all can provide some insight here too). My thought process here is that I feel like I need to try one last time to assure myself that its over forever or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I also feel that I don't have anything to lose, if she says no, then maybe I can truly move on without looking back ever again and if she says yes, then well, I've grown so much these 4 years to be in the right relationship with her again. I know the chances are slim and I know if anything I'll be the one getting hurt again and that we don't live in fairy tales and movies where everything works. But for 4 years I haven't lived a day without thinking about her, its not as bad anymore but I do genuinely miss her and maybe that means something.

Am I fool or is this a risk worth taking?

P.S: Thank you if you read through all this... I'm scared the wall of text will deter people from reading it...

[friend4u178]

Hi Sunleth

Generally when a Dumper says that it may work or you may get back together in the future it's just them letting you down lightly at the time , and easing their guilt for dumping you.

Personally I would let it go because she probably has someone else now and if you find that out you may just go back in that depressed mode , if she wanted to get back together I'm sure she would have contacted you because she knew how you felt.

That's just me though , I'm sure others will come along with their opinions.

Good Luck!

[talaniman]

Let it go man, as how many options, and opportunities have you missed so far in the 4 years you were rebuilding?? That's not fair to you or her.

I try to understand what you're feeling, but experiencing new, and different circumstances, and people, is a big part of healing, and one would think that 4 years would have brought you that.

Why hasn't it?

[amicon]

I think you leave the past in the past,let go of that last false hope and complete your healing from the breakup.

[Gemini54]

Did it ever occur to you that she said you might get back together because she wanted to get you off her back?

You said yourself that you harassed her for 3 months - my guess is that she tried very trick in the book until she had to eventually be cold and mean to you.

You lost the first love of your life - there is a very good reason why they're called 'first loves', because you go on to have second and third loves.

Why destroy everything you've achieved?

Don't be a fool. It's been 4 years - time to move on and get on with your life - and, for heaven's sake - stop thinking about her!

I'll bet she's not thinking of you at all.

[none12345]

Hey man I think you're still not quite over her just yet. I know its been a while but the truth is sometimes you might not ever get over someone. The issue is whether you can accept that it ll be over forever. I think you're at that stage. Leave the past be.

She dumped you and if you two end up together, she will be the one coming after you telling you how she made a big mistake etc. and then you can decide whether to get back together with her or not.

There will always be greater love out there just waiting for you to find it. Nothing better than something new and even better. I know she was your first girl, but most of the time the first girl won't be the last.

[Sunleth]

You are all absolutely correct. Thank you for your supportive answers... I guess I had a really bad moment of weakness.

I suppose it is true that the first one is the hardest one to let go... but I've taken the strides to do so and have/will become a better person as a result.

Thank you all again, as everyone on this site says, you are truly amazing.

[talaniman]

And she actually did text message me one year after I started NC, with a merry christmas - I replied with a similar festive greeting (I didn't know what to make of this first contact at the time and still don't... maybe you all can provide some insight here too

I think she was just checking to make sure you were okay. Its not unusual at all, but since she didn't make any other overtures, then she wasn't expecting any. Its been a long time, so carry on with your own life as she has.

[mrsmilie]

Is it her, or is it the happiness she brought you? She shouldn't be resposible for bringing you that.

Don't invest your happiness in one person or else... well you know.

Once you get all your ducks in a row, your self-esteem and confidence and such you will give her a reason to want you back.

Right now, she doesn't want any baggage. Take care of yourself first.