Rekindle an old flame or just fooling myself?
My story begins about four years ago. I met my ex-girlfriend senior year of high school and we had an instant connection and absolutely adored each other. We were 17 at the time so I suppose you could argue we were young stupid and didn't know what love was... but it was a deep profound connection we had and I truly do feel like I loved her then. The months go by and we start to have small petty fights, mainly because of our insecurities and believing we didn't deserve each other (hence young and stupid). We eventually graduate and I left for a month during summer to vacation and came back an emotional mess. The last month of summer our relationship gets more shaky and she goes off to college. We e-mail for a bit, things are okay and a week later, she calls me and breaks up with me on the phone, the call barely lasting 10 seconds..
For the first 3 months, I disobeyed NC in every way, e-mailing, calling trying to claw her back to me, I even made a huge scrapbook of memories for her in my attempts to "get her back". She cited many, many reasons for breaking up from wanting to experience college and meet new people to the fact that she could not deal with me and my problems, I don't remember them all, there were a few.. but those two were stressed I suppose. Finally, she mentions several times that maybe we would get back together one day, whether it be a year, two or even after four saying that if it was meant to be, then it will happen. Her responses get colder and meaner each time until I finally stop and go into NC phase. From here, I do what the stickies mainly described, the first year was terrible, horrible grades, cried everyday and wrapped in deep depression. Time goes on and like everyone says, I do get better but I'd be lying if I say I don't think about her still.
Since then I have learned a lot. I view the breakup as both a positive and negative thing. Positive being I got to do the whole rebuilding thing even thought it sucked at first. My grades have improved dramatically since, I've gotten closer than ever to my family because they supported me during my depression and I am graduating in a month with a healthy look on the future. But negative because I had to lose the first love of my life for all of it. I also have since owned up to my mistakes. Looking back at the relationship I took her for granted and didn't have my priorities straight when I was with her and overall could have treated her better so for a while I had to deal with this regret as well. I have since learned what it means to be in a relationship and have my life, friends and family priorities in order.
I'm not sure if "being a better bf" would have salvaged our relationship. Long distance is hard so I guess that is more justification for her breaking up with me. I tried hard to be angry and upset at her but as time went by I only became more understanding of what she wanted and overall I became a more understanding person in general. And in the end, all I wanted is for her to be happy, so I could never quite get into that hate her mode.
I guess my thing here is I held on to what she said about maybe one day getting back together. You could argue it was wrong of her to say that to give me that kind of hope to hold on to and I'll argue back saying that she knows what we shared was special and deep down did not want to risk losing it. We both knew how much in love we were with each other... I know everyone says it, but it was truly amazing being with her. It made me feel complete and confident in life.
So... is it worth it to contact her after all this time and break my NC? I know its supposed to be the person who initiates the breakup that has to contact, otherwise it's a sign of weakness on my part. And she actually did text message me one year after I started NC, with a merry christmas - I replied with a similar festive greeting (I didn't know what to make of this first contact at the time and still don't... maybe you all can provide some insight here too). My thought process here is that I feel like I need to try one last time to assure myself that its over forever or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I also feel that I don't have anything to lose, if she says no, then maybe I can truly move on without looking back ever again and if she says yes, then well, I've grown so much these 4 years to be in the right relationship with her again. I know the chances are slim and I know if anything I'll be the one getting hurt again and that we don't live in fairy tales and movies where everything works. But for 4 years I haven't lived a day without thinking about her, its not as bad anymore but I do genuinely miss her and maybe that means something.
Am I fool or is this a risk worth taking?
P.S: Thank you if you read through all this... I'm scared the wall of text will deter people from reading it...
