[sman21]

Hi
Lately I have been feeling very down in life – I am 30 years old and feel that I have nothing to look forward to in life. Ever since secondary school I have found it difficult to make friends –I was very quiet as a child and this has continued into my adult working life. I find it very difficult to communicate with people or even laugh at their jokes. I have no friends from school who I keep in touch with.
I don’t have a great relationship with my father he at times can be very hard on me. At a young age if I ever did anything wrong he would shout at me – swear at me, even slap me if he felt the need. I always had a fear of him and my mother never stood up for me. I find it very difficult to speak to him – even when I sit with him now we have nothing in common to speak about.
There are some things which I can never forget – like when he once compared me to another child in the family my cousin & when he hit me with a stick in front of my family when I was 12 – I admit I was in the wrong for wondering off in a neighbourhood myself without asking & they thought I had gone missing.
My Dad was born in India and had a strong belief in being aggressive if a child stepped out of line. I used to hate it when he came back from work early or when he had time off during the summer holidays and we had to spend it with him.
My mum was slightly better but even she could be just as bad – when I was 17 I came back from college and she accused me of being drunk because I was laughing & joking with my friend. I told her the truth that I did not have any alcohol but she still accused me – when I argued back I was the bad child.
Anyway at the age of 23 my parents decided I need to get married, so started looking, they introduced me to one girl – I have never felt so pressurised to say yes and eventually I said yes because of my parents. To do this day I cannot say I am 100% happy – she is a lovely girl and supported the family so well even when my mother passed away, but there just doesn’t seem to be that magic, I don’t feel the same way she does about me. Am I wasting my life?
Again my father still criticizes her – even though she puts food on the table for them (Indian food) – he’s compared her to my mother by saying she would do things in a different way – she gets criticised for being career minded. He criticises her if there is no food on the table, because he is too lazy to make himself a snack. Where do I go from here I feel so lonely and unhappy. I realise my dad is still family but I feel under pressure.
Please help

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Do you feel depressed and lonely or are you holding a grudge against your father? I am trying to find out what the real issue is because most of your post is about him.

[ja77]

Do you live with your father ?

It looks from reading your post that you carry a lot of baggage that has never been delt with or talked about. I understand from the cultural points you make that it must be very hard on you been forced to marry your wife etc.

I guess from reading your post it would be hard to talk to your father direct, but maybe you could talk a little at a time and try and be open and honest with him about the way you feel and how unhappy you are with his actions. You should also make a stand for your wife and explain that you will not allow him to talk to her the way he has been or treat her this way.

You should also seek some support and help for yourself maybe visit your local doctors and talk about your feelings and see what support they can offer you.

I know from your background you have included in your post it will not be an easy road due to the cultural background, but you must try and bring your father into the year 2010.

[sman21]

Do you feel depressed and lonely or are you holding a grudge against your father? I am trying to find out what the real issue is because most of your post is about him.

I feel that as a youngster I lacked a lot of confidence, it felt as if I had no one who I could speak to, he was never approachable so instead I kept everything to myself and just got on with life even though I was not happy.

I'm just a confused unhappy person.

[Devorameira]

Your father sounds like a cold, controlling, critical man who probably has never been happy - not even with himself.

If you're living with him you need to move out. You're an adult now and should have a home which is your own peaceful haven away from him.

You may not be able to change your father, but you can change the way you react to his behavior.

Have you considered talking to a counselor? A counselor may be able to help you see that his nasty behavior has never been your fault and that you are a good person that never deserved the verbal abuse from him.

[talaniman]

I know little of your culture, but I know a lot about defending your wife. Don't allow your father to bad mouth her, or treat her with any disrespect.

I have read your other post also concerning your sister in law, and you have many issues to work through, but giving 100% to your household, over rides all your other problems.

[kavimahi]

I will tell you something.no one is entirely happy and satisfied in life. All of us had or have problems you can't change your father because we have been taught that parents should be respected till the end of their life. We are traditional so we have to close our eyes and shut up.. from what you say you have a lovely wife ,support her and make her feel that you are on her side and you are grateful for what she does for your father in spite of his bad behavior.you are young.try to create some entertainments like sports,handicrafts,or anything you see yourself ready to do.
You should tell your father but very friendly and politely to stop hurting your wife because they brought her into your life .I understand you very well.try to keep yourself busy with some creations.nowadays,internet could be one of the most useful in our life.