[miaooow]

I am in my forties and I feel like giving up on men, as I just can't find one that is not either abusive or non committal. I have travelled a lot and it seems that I attract the same kind of man irrelevant of culture or nationality. What can I do to stop this circle of destructive relationships. I am an outgoing person with a free spirit, and I have a good heart. I just don't understand what I do to attract this type of man. In fact I am feeling quite depressed over this. Any advice would be appreciated

[Fixer12]

Just try to find things to do to occupy your time. Remember that it takes time to find someone regardless of age, and just because you are with someone doesn't make everything else in life easier. You will find someone. Especially if you believe you have all those qualities. You'll attract the guy you are looking for when you least expect it

[jaime90]

Firstly, it would be good to recognize that you do not NEED a man.

Here is a good rule of thumb: "What men think of you, is up to you."
Are you advertising a woman that can be easily taken advantage of, or are you advertising a precious treasure that is supposed to be treated well, and protected? Women and men attract automatically- you need to make the attraction pure and positive, as oppose to negative. If you respect yourself, you will attract guys that respect you. Men generally want what you are advertising... If you're advertising your body, they will want your body, etc. You need to focus on how you are presenting yourself. Do not change yourself into a woman you are not, instead if you have problems respecting yourself, etc. work on them independently, before seeking a partner.

[Gemini54]

It's good that you can see the pattern and are asking - 'why?'

I just don't understand what I do to attract this type of man.

What is it about you - your childhood, previous experiences, personality - that has created this persona who feels you don't deserve to be treated well, and that you don't deserve to be happy?

People are attracted to abusive relationships for very complex reasons and these are probably just some of the questions you might be asking yourself.

I suggest that you need to get yourself into counselling - if you can see the pattern but you don't understand what it is within you that creates it, then professional help will assist you greatly.

Additionally, there are heaps, and I mean heaps, of self help books. An oldie but a goodie is "Women who love too much". Robin Norwood.

[paxe]

You can find like-minded gals in more intelligent places (volunteering, activities... ).

[makapuu]

Taking a break from men isn't all that bad. You'll be able to have fun with your other close friends and family for the holidays.

[miaooow]

I thank you all for taking the time to give me some advise, I have thought about what you have said, and I assure you the two men that I am talking about were very nice at the beginning, and treated me as I would have expected it was only after time, that they started to be selfish, aggressive and mentally abusive, the last relationship I had was with a malay guy and he always seemed to have problems,I did not have a clue at the beginning that we would turn out to be this way. I have read many books on self esteem, and I do try to attract the right kind of man. I think I will let go of this abusive relationship and be on my own again. Perhaps a relationship with a man is just not meant to be for me. Perhaps as you say, someone will come along at a time when I don't expect it. Who Knows, anyway thanks again guys!!

[jmjoseph]

Go do the things that interest you. Take a class, or seminar, that you would like to learn more about.

Pick up a new hobby.

Join a health club, or how about a new church, if you are religious.

By doing the things that you like to do, and going to these places, you will soon come across a nice guy that has the same interests.

Love will find YOU, don't go looking for it.

But first, you need to work on yourself, and self esteem.

Good luck to you.

[miaooow]

Thanks guys x

[Gemini54]

I thank you all for taking the time to give me some advise, I have thought about what you have said, and I assure you the two men that i am talking about were very nice at the beginning, and treated me as I would have expected it was only after time, that they started to be selfish, aggressive and mentally abusive, the last relationship I had was with a malay guy and he always seemed to have problems,I did not have a clue at the beginning that we would turn out to be this way. I have read many books on self esteem, and I do try to attract the right kind of man. i think I will let go of this abusive relationship and be on my own again. Perhaps a relationship with a man is just not meant to be for me. Perhaps as you say, someone will come along at a time when i dont expect it. Who Knows, anyway thanks again guys!!!

Well, that's the thing. We don't purposefully choose abusive relationships.

I was not suggesting that you choose them knowingly. But it's a pattern in your life, and it reflects back to you something deep within you. Until you understand what it is, sure you can avoid relationships, but it won't change the pattern.

It's also not as simple as increasing yourself esteem - it's really about what you feel you deserve and how you act it out in the context of a relationship.

[jaime90]

You could always try getting to know the guy better as a friend before starting a relationship. Even if it takes a few years of friendship to learn as much as you can about the guy- it is worth it. By being friends first, you generally are avoiding: learning something negative about him later on, an abusive relationship, getting emotions involved and your heart broken, and learning that the guy you dated at the beginning, wasn't the guy he turned out to be. You can only fake it and lie for so long- so be friends with the guy as long as it takes- when you trust each other and know for sure that he is genuine and showing his true colors- THAT'S when to start a relationship.