[kay13]

Just to throw this open to discussion really...

When I was divorcing my hubby, I still had feelings for him, despite his cruelty towards me and I hoped that we would make it. These feelings, however misplaced, and the way they showed themselves left me open to abuse. I tried to be reasonable, tried not to hurt his feelings, could not hide how I felt when I saw him. I think I was a little frightened that if I did anything wrong or disagreed with him, he wouldn't care about me any more. Unfortunately, even though we were no longer together, I put his needs before mine and my life was on hold.

Now that there is no longer a path to the past, I'm not afraid of what he thinks or if my actions upset him. Of course, he has been so use to me being reasonable that now I follow my own road, to him I've 'changed beyond recognition, and not for the better' - he quoted to a friend. My point is, loving him made me frightened of him, and now that I don't feel that fear, is it progress? Is it normal to feel frightened in a relationship, or is it because he withheld affection as punishment?
He's moved on with someone else, so is it me?

[Bluerose]

Progress? Oh yes! Who wants to live in fear of someone? Normal to feel frightened in a relationship? No! It's not you. You are well out of this. You have wasted enough time and energy on this man. Let it go. Time wasters and space wasters MUST go. You are a responsible, caring adult who deserves to be happy.

[ordinaryguy]

No, it's not normal to be frightened in a loving relationship. As the bible says (I John, I think), "perfect love casts out fear". He's talking about our relationship with God, but it applies to human relationships as well, I think.

[talaniman]

You've made tremendous progress my dear, and you have nothing to fear. Imagine the fear his new squeeze has though.

[kay13]

Thanks bluerose, ordinary guy and tal, a great help as always.