Just to throw this open to discussion really...

When I was divorcing my hubby, I still had feelings for him, despite his cruelty towards me and I hoped that we would make it. These feelings, however misplaced, and the way they showed themselves left me open to abuse. I tried to be reasonable, tried not to hurt his feelings, could not hide how I felt when I saw him. I think I was a little frightened that if I did anything wrong or disagreed with him, he wouldn't care about me any more. Unfortunately, even though we were no longer together, I put his needs before mine and my life was on hold.

Now that there is no longer a path to the past, I'm not afraid of what he thinks or if my actions upset him. Of course, he has been so use to me being reasonable that now I follow my own road, to him I've 'changed beyond recognition, and not for the better' - he quoted to a friend. My point is, loving him made me frightened of him, and now that I don't feel that fear, is it progress? Is it normal to feel frightened in a relationship, or is it because he withheld affection as punishment?
He's moved on with someone else, so is it me?

Progress? Oh yes! Who wants to live in fear of someone? Normal to feel frightened in a relationship? No! It's not you. You are well out of this. You have wasted enough time and energy on this man. Let it go. Time wasters and space wasters MUST go. You are a responsible, caring adult who deserves to be happy.

No, it's not normal to be frightened in a loving relationship. As the bible says (I John, I think), "perfect love casts out fear". He's talking about our relationship with God, but it applies to human relationships as well, I think.

You've made tremendous progress my dear, and you have nothing to fear. Imagine the fear his new squeeze has though.

Thanks bluerose, ordinary guy and tal, a great help as always.