[jo_dy]

If we had been legally separated then really there wouldn't be too much I could say! But unfortunately its not :-(

Same goes for him being a serial cheat, again I wish it wasn't so and for to long I haven't listened to my gut instinct which has always told me he is up to something I just didn't know what but the truth will always come out!

[talaniman]

I think your real challenge is how you will redefine yourself now from what you were. The spouse of a very unfaithful person. Don't take his bad behavior as a reflection of who you are, as you were only a bystander to his issues.

Of course you miss the good parts of him, that served mostly to keep you holding out hope, for years, but its really time to let go of that chapter of your life, and look to rebuilding, and both will take time and plenty of it.

For sure you need a plan for now to cope with your feelings in a positive way, which includes venting those feeling outward not in. A journal, or diary is what you need and right here is also a good place.

You also have to have support and enough distractions to help you during those low times that surely happen, like having an umbrella to keep you dry when it rains.

Any positive action for when times get tough and dark, that gets you through it. People places and things that are positive, and that makes you happy, and gives you a sense of accomplishing something good.

Your in time management mode, as you make adjustments to your life now. Yeah its tough while its still fresh, and you figure how to best replace old habits, and thinking with new ones, but it will get better. You have already made the first step by getting rid of the guy, and ending the wondering what he is hiding. The next step is about finding out about yourself, without him. Tough but a necessary step, that I wish you luck with. You're about to learn a lot about you that you didn't know before.

[jo_dy]

Thanks Tal and everyone, its been a hard easter break, I have felt quite lonely, all my friends are in relationships or married with kids so they spent the easter hols with their family... I have spent a lot of time thinking about life with him and life without would be and I know as hard as it is right now it will be better in the long run without him.

I hate myself for missing him partly because he is a bad man for doing what he has done to me and partly because he really Won't be missing me or us.

I find it odd not being part of a family or feeling married anymore, I feel kind of lost!

[talaniman]

Don't hate yourself, or him really, he was just unworthy of you, but of course the split will hurt because you cared, and even the worst partner has his good points. Your wounds are still fresh and it would help a lot I think to look ahead, and plan things to do to keep that lonely feeling from being so overwhelming.

You didn't mention family or friends, or I could have missed that, so do you have any, close to where you are?

[JudyKayTee]

Holidays are especially rough when a person is alone - I have found during the "alone" times in my life (or during the sad or troubling times) that it really did help to face one day at a time. I would think, "If I can get through today ..." and pretty soon it would be tomorrow and I would start over.

Have your married friends sort of shut you out? Your family?

[jo_dy]

I have a few friends who are great but do have families, my own family either live far away or have their own families now. I don't feel shut out but I feel like I'm intruding on their family time but they don't make me feel that way. I try to take every day as it comes and I have tried to concentrate on the bad points of our relationship instead of the good, its seems more bad than good but I have always loved him regardless. It does still feel raw and I hope the pain will fade, I just wish it was quicker. I am trying to plan ahead and am going to redecorate my spare room which will keep me busy, but it doesn't stop me missing him. Something that has occurred to me is that I don't want to be alone for the future, I want to be with someone and feel loved again and to love again. I don't no where to begin with that, I haven't dated for years and wouldn't no where to look or how to start and as my friends are not on that scene anymore we don't go out to see what's out there now! I think too much! Im driving myself mad with thoughts of my future

[ohsohappy]

I have a few friends who are great but do have families, my own family either live far away or have their own families now. I dont feel shut out but i feel like im intruding on their family time but they dont make me feel that way. I try to take every day as it comes and i have tried to concentrate on the bad points of our relationship instead of the good, its seems more bad than good but i have always loved him regardless. It does still feel raw and i hope the pain will fade, i just wish it was quicker. I am trying to plan ahead and am going to redecorate my spare room which will keep me busy, but it doesnt stop me missing him. Something that has occured to me is that i dont want to be alone for the future, i want to be with someone and feel loved again and to love again. I dont no where to begin with that, i havent dated for years and wouldnt no where to look or how to start and as my friends are not on that scene anymore we dont go out to see whats out there now! I think too much!! Im driving myself mad with thoughts of my future

Do you work with any single women? If so, maybe see if you can go to a club or even out to lunch or SOMETHING with them. That way you can put yourself out there and learn to be social before you start to date. Obviously dating right now is a bad idea, but after the divorce is Final and you've had more time to heal you can start getting to know men too. Sometimes your friends that are married will know single men too, so if you're not too terrified to go on a blind date then, when you're ready, you can allow for a blind date or a double date.

But right now, Don't worry about getting back out there. Worry about healing and then you'll find that dating isn't so bad. :)

[Kitkat22]

Jodi... Stay strong... you will survive this! He's the one that will regret it it.

[jo_dy]

Something that has really bothered me today is that after talking to a girl cousin of mine, who knows a lot about him, has agreed with my friend who says if we weren't together what can I say... am I wrong here??

Its really beginning to mess with my head from feeling so so so sure of what I have done and the man he is to thinking so if it did happen maybe I'm wrong and not him!! BUT I feel right because I can't believe it only happened when we weren't together and ill never know for sure and will drive myself mad with it and wondering!!

Why am I now confused but at same time sure!!

[talaniman]

Give yourself a break, you just busted up a long term relationship, and you should be not only confused, but crazy, right now, but the shock, and emotional dust WILL settle down.

Then you will know you were right, all the way around.

[ohsohappy]

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Just because the relationship didn't last doesn't mean that you screwed up. Clearly he has stuff wrong with him, and you can't blame yourself for his issues. Let his issues be his and move on with your life. Realize that you don't have control of everything that happens and be glad that you took control of this situation. You will be fine, don't beat yourself up, Imagine beating him up instead. :) (but don't do it for real, for legal reasons, otherwise I'd encourage it. Maybe =] )

[JudyKayTee]

The more people you ask about this the more opinions you will get and the more confused you will get.

Everyone is going to beat me up over this statement BUT if your question is whether he was "entitled" to date/have sex with other women while you were separated, I believe he was. Did he show discretion, common sense, responsibility? No. But if you are asking about this one pregnancy with this one woman I don't think you have the "right" to be offended by his behavior. If my husband and I separate he has no right to tell me how to behave.

That being said - I think you have to decide if you are better off with him or without him.

I realize you are planning a vacation - when is that scheduled? It might be a good time to clear your mind.

[jo_dy]

The more people you ask about this the more opinions you will get and the more confused you will get.

Everyone is going to beat me up over this statement BUT if your question is whether he was "entitled" to date/have sex with other women while you were separated, I believe he was. Did he show discretion, common sense, responsibility? No. But if you are asking about this one pregnancy with this one woman I don't think you have the "right" to be offended by his behavior. If my husband and I separate he has no right to tell me how to behave.

That being said - I think you have to decide if you are better off with him or without him.

I realize you are planning a vacation - when is that scheduled? It might be a good time to clear your mind.

WOW I am surprised at that being said although I do see where your coming from, half the problem is that he did it and got her pregnant, partly because he carried on contact with her after we got back together and kept it a big secret and then also partly because I find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!

You are very right in that the more I talk to people the more confused I get.

I don't think this just comes down the simple fact of just while we were broke up! How do you believe that it only happened while we were broke up, I have no other word other than the word of a liar!?

[jo_dy]

Also the problems I have with him are many many more than the question I have put on here... the list of lies, deceit, theft, conning, blackmail of sorts is endless... there aren't enough pages to write it all!

I realise as I'm writing this I'm trying to convince myself! I think if everyone new EVERYTHING about him it might be a slightly different story!

[JudyKayTee]

You apparently have sufficient proof and believe he is a liar, deceitful - and you want out.

If that is your decision then you have to move forward. The more you discuss this, mention it to other people, the more confused you are going to get.

I'm an investigator. That's what I do. I actually get paid to play Devil's Advocate when there is a case to be made. Therefore, your statement: "i find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!!", without proof, proves nothing to me.

And, again, I'm going to get beaten up over this.

But, again, if you are done, you are done, no matter what he did or said or didn't do or so.

Your mind is made up - get out while you still have your sanity.

[jo_dy]

You apparently have sufficient proof and believe he is a liar, deceitful - and you want out.

If that is your decision then you have to move forward. The more you discuss this, mention it to other people, the more confused you are going to get.

I'm an investigator. That's what I do. I actually get paid to play Devil's Advocate when there is a case to be made. Therefore, your statement: "i find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!!", without proof, proves nothing to me.

And, again, I'm going to get beaten up over this.

But, again, if you are done, you are done, no matter what he did or said or didn't do or so.

Your mind is made up - get out while you still have your sanity.

I have also previously been in an investigator and have always never believed anything without proof, this is why I have stayed with him for so long. I agree that the more I ask for peoples advice the more confused I get, I wish it was as simple as I have made my mind up and that's it, easy to get over and move on but it never is.

My having doubts is nothing like having the proof slap you in the face and that's exactly what it did! Although temporarily not together we were married, we were in regular contact and he was asking to come back and we were in talks about this happening... to then sleep with an impregnate someone else is beyond me how that makes it all OK!

Unfortunately for me I love the liar and cheat and conman that he is (obviously not thosr particular bits) I wish I didn't because it make all this so much easier

[talaniman]

Doing the right thing for yourself is seldom easy. But you do it any way.

[JudyKayTee]

I don't know what you mean by you have been "in an investigator." Are you also an investigator?

And, yes, if you love him... well, that makes it all the more difficult. Sounds like he's a charming cheat.

[jo_dy]

Sorry, meant I was previously an investigator... not any more but you don't lose the instinct.

He is a very charming cheater and very very clever, this isn't the first time he has been caught by me.

I just wish I didn't love him, I always thought if I caught him it would make it easier to end all this but its still just as hard :-(

[JudyKayTee]

Nothing makes it less painful - and men who are charming take every advantage they can.

I'm so sorry you're in this spot - I know how hurt I was when I was standing in your shoes.

Only time can make a difference.