[Gemini54]

That is a shady move to wait until marriage before releasing information that devastating, it would've been shown more respect on his part to have gotten that out on the table in the latter part of the "getting to know you stage" of the relationship. Obviously, he planned it this way. We can't blame you for losing trust or questioning his intentions.

I'm sorry, but we don't 'obviously' know anything! People are human, surprise, surprise, and very frequently don't do the 'right' or sensible thing - not out of a desire to cheat or deceive, but simply because they are ashamed or embarrassed.

[slapshot_oi]

I'm sorry, but we don't 'obviously' know anything! People are human, surprise, surprise, and very frequently don't do the 'right' or sensible thing - not out of a desire to cheat or deceive, but simply because they are ashamed or embarrassed.

Whatever, we'll agree to disagree.

You can slice and dice this any way you want but the bottom line is, she is now married to a person with a history of pedophilia, not just her husband anymore. He had a monkey on his back and chose to unload it at a bad time. She is dealing with a lot now, a lot of pressure and conflicting emotions, she is the innocent party in all of this. We have no right to judge her for judging him because I'm certain we all would feel the same way if we were in her shoes. As you say, we're human so surprise, surprise.

I'm not a pedophile so I can't empathize with this guy otherwise I'd might have a different take. All I can do is empathize with her, and I agree with the OP in that he waited until he was stuck with her. That is all.

[J_9]

Whatever, we'll agree to disagree.

You can slice and dice this any way you want but the bottom line is, she is now married to a person with a history of pedophilia, not just her husband anymore. He had a monkey on his back and chose to unload it at a bad time. She is dealing with a lot now, she is the innocent party in all of this. We have no right to judge her for judging him because I'm certain we all would feel the same way if we were in her shoes. As you say, we're human so surprise, surprise.

I'm not a pedophile so I can't empathize with this guy otherwise I'd might have a different take. All I can do is empathize with her, and I agree with the OP in that he waited until he was stuck with her. That is all

So, you are calling my son a pedophile now too? You really have a lot to learn about this.

I don't agree that he waited until he was stuck with her. I see it that he felt that their relationship was strong enough to tell her. He didn't have to. If he were a pedophile in the true sense of the word he would have kept his secret.

[slapshot_oi]

So, you are calling my son a pedophile now too? You really have a lot to learn about this.

I see, you're trying to make this personal when I simply said this guy has a history of pedophilia, which is a fact.

What do I need to learn?

. . . He didn't have to. If he were a pedophile in the true sense of the word he would have kept his secret.

I'm guessing you mean that pedophiles are recidivists.

You're right, he didn't have to tell her, and she would've done well not knowing this information, it would've saved her a lot of stress.

[JoeCanada76]

I've lived this, have you?

Please read my signature. You will get some of your answer.

Have one of us lived it on either side of things. Well maybe yes or no. Just because you think you are the only one that might have any kind of personal experience in a matter like this does not mean other people do not.

I am just saying J9, that we all have experiences that shape us who we are today. You know what all of us have stories. Experiences. Good and bad. Who's to say who has had or have not had any such experiences whether it be somebody in your case a son that was the one that did those things, or the person on the receiving end of those acts. Regardless of age.

[J_9]

Jesushelper76 agrees: I disagree. I personally was not throwing him to the wolves at all.

Did I say YOU were personally throwing him to the wolves, Joe? No, I don't think I mentioned your name there did I?

I believe we cannot pass judgment until we know BOTH sides of the story. And then, if you are a Christian person it's not your place to place judgment, is it?

Yes, I am taking this personally because I have lived through it. I've been there when the police were called, I've been through therapy with my son.

Remember the term "innocent until proven guilty?" Well, y'all are saying that this man guilty without even a trial. Who are we to judge? We don't even know the entire story. So, until we hear from the "husband," we need to be open minded.

[JoeCanada76]

You all can speak from your heart, but not from experience.

Wrong...

Oh and there is no judgment but truth. Truth is he did do it. Truth is he had years and years of counseling for it. Truth is it was poor excuse to act the way he did. Not saying he is still the same way, Not saying that this guy has not changed.

Facts are facts. It is not about judgment but truth and he told the truth about what he did and why he did it. And also all the treatment he got for it.

There is no doubt he did it. Innocence before proven guilty, well proof was given. Not that he is guilty now but that he did do those things. There is no doubt about guilt. He admitted it.

So as far as saying people are being judgmental, I do not see how.

[jmjoseph]

I think that when he was 13, he was curious, as well as sexually confused. Yes, I'm sure that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but not as wrong as if he were an adult.

I think that he should continue therapy, and maybe you should consider couples counseling.

He had a dark cloud hanging over his head for a long time. Are you going to help him? Or are you going to make him suffer for something that he cannot "undo"?

He trusted you with this knowledge. He was 13 when this happened, not 21.

Does he deserve a life sentence?

This is a tough one to have to deal with. This is not black and white. Help him get past this and get on with your lives.

God bless you both.

And God bless the victim.

[Gemini54]

Whatever, we'll agree to disagree.

You can slice and dice this any way you want but the bottom line is, she is now married to a person with a history of pedophilia, not just her husband anymore. He had a monkey on his back and chose to unload it at a bad time. She is dealing with a lot now, a lot of pressure and conflicting emotions, she is the innocent party in all of this. We have no right to judge her for judging him because I'm certain we all would feel the same way if we were in her shoes. As you say, we're human so surprise, surprise.

I'm not a pedophile so I can't empathize with this guy otherwise I'd might have a different take. All I can do is empathize with her, and I agree with the OP in that he waited until he was stuck with her. That is all.

The guy was a 13 year old boy when it happened - how does this make him a pedophile?

He chose to share what happened with his wife - when he could have kept it to himself - how does this make him the bad guy?

You say that we waited until he was 'stuck with her' - what does that mean? Are you assuming that he purposefully did not tell her until they were married - - - - you can't know this, it's only an assumption.

Yes, I agree that the OP is dealing with a lot of 'stuff'- but this is not bad, and it is often what marriage and love are about - making sense of the baggage that we all bring into our relationships and working through it.

[jmjoseph]

[QUOTE=slapshot_oi;2296611].

"I'm certain we all would feel the same way if we were in her shoes."

Don't speak on MY behalf, thank you very much.

[slapshot_oi]

The guy was a 13 year old boy when it happened - how does this make him a pedophile?

Okay, let's try this again, this will be the third time I've said this.. . I said he has a history of pedophilia—or whatever you want to call it, exploration, confusion, curiosity; I don't know and I don't really care, all I know is it's not normal—I never said he was a recidivist pedophile.

I don't care that he molested a child at 13, that's not the point of my argument and it never was. My angle is the timing in which he chose to tell his wife about a serious event in his life that no doubt changed him forever. It's questionable in my eyes because I believe that should've come up while they were dating because it would've been more respectful to her, it would've given her a lot of insight into the man she was dating, and above all she wouldn't feel "stuck" with him like she does now, that's it.

He chose to share what happened with his wife - when he could have kept it to himself - how does this make him the bad guy?

Again.. . It was a sneaky move to tell his wife a year after marriage that he molested his cousin because, I believe, he was planning to tell her all along he was just afraid she'd leave him. What's the difference between one year of marriage or several years of dating? Why couldn't he tell her before? If the OP didn't have a problem with it—she was the one to say she felt like he waited until she was stuck with him—then we wouldn't have an issue here. But, she does have an issue with it, and I don't blame her for it.

If he never told her, she wouldn't be in this mess and wouldn't have posted here, so because he opened his mouth after they were married, we now have an issue. I can't be clearer on this.

You say that we waited until he was 'stuck with her' - what does that mean? Are you assuming that he purposefully did not tell her until they were married - - - - you can't know this, it's only an assumption.

Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah, I have opinions, and so do you. Where were you going with this?

Sorry folks, I'm entitled to my opinion like everyone else on here. All I ask is carefully read my posts before jumping on my case so I don't have to type the same explanation twice, thanks.

[Cat1864]

My husband recently told me that he molested his younger cousin when he was 13. We have been married less than one year. He spent several years in therapy after it happened and claims that he's rehabilitated. I am having a really terrible time with this, and am considering asking for a divorce. I don't want to start a family with a man that a) would keep something like from me until I was stuck with him & b) might do it again. I do love him and I don't know what to do. Can adolescent child molesters be rehabilitated? Has anyone been through something like this?

First, I want to address your wording. You use the phrase 'stuck with him'. That to me implies you have other issues besides this one. Stuck implies an inability to make your own choices or to leave by your own means. Unless you live in a culture where divorce/separation secular and religious are prohibited, then you are in no way 'stuck' with him.

Second, marriage counseling sounds like a good option for you IF you are willing to give your marriage and your husband a chance. However, you have to be open and understanding. You have to be willing to listen to what he says and to not read your own emotions into his words and tone. You have to be willing to explain your concerns without adding blame for what 'might' happen into it. Communication and trust are going to be key words to live by.

Instead of reacting to the 'surprise', sit down and think about what he has told you. Calmly ask him why he told you and why he waited. Pay attention to his answers. For him this may be a very painful subject that touches on not only his life, but his cousin's life as well. It isn't like she is out of his life and you would have no dealings with her at any point in the future. She is still there and how you react to his story may impact on how you react to her. The details are not only his but hers. He may be protecting her from unintended pain and hurt more than he is himself.


J_9, as always you have my respect and admiration.

[Jake2008]

Murphy,

You can see that opinion differs on giving advice here; and no doubt you have already thought about most of the comments coming your way.

What your comfort level is about this in only up to you. Nobody can tell you that you will just get over it, or that statistics say whatever, or that your feelings about this aren't valid, because they are, and that eventually only you can decide what to do.

I have not go the impression that anybody thinks your husband is a serial predator, or that he will become one because of the sexual assault. Predicting the future based on anybody's past is impossible to do.

It was a serious event. There was an innocent child involved, and all the therapy in the world will not erase that. What the extensive therapy has done for him, is given him the best possible insight and the tools to not repeat his behaviour. He is luckier than most that have also offended that do not get extensive therapy.

That aside, nobody can say or predict what you can, and can not live with. This is your life, and your marriage, and you have been given information that would knock most of us on our rears. What you do with it is entirely up to you.

I hope that you seek counselling as I've said before, and talk this out with a professional who is experienced and knowledgeable, and who can answer your questions. Do some serious talking with your husband when you are ready, and learn all you can from him. If he has gone through years of therapy, he will have a lot to say. Particularly with this being new information for you, and no doubt he will expect it.

I hope that you feel comfortable enough to post again as you begin to process and deal with this.

[jmjoseph]

Murpheyb, the molester was my oldest son, he was 12 at the time. I say this so that you know that I am speaking from the experience of a mother. It was a young friend he had his "experience" with. I also have a daughter and do not worry about them together.

My son is now 26 and is the best father to his son and daughter that one could ever imagine. When talking to him he said that it was out of curiosity as well as depression and that he would never do this again.

The young girl also had counseling and is still a very big part of his life, albeit in a different way.

I will admit to be one to place labels on people, but through my experiences I have seen that not all situations are black or white.

You are a lucky woman that he was able to share his moment of shame with you.

I really HATE it when people just diagnose the problem without knowing the person. Without knowing your husband I would like to say it would never happen again, but I can't promise you that it will or that it won't. Would your husband be willing to go into counseling with you?

J_9, it took a lot of courage to share your own personal situation here. It truly helps when someone here has had like experiences. Thank you for being so open.

I think that we all should remember when WE were 13. We should not be held to task for what we did, and didn't do, at such an awkward age.

OP, go live your life with a man who was honest enough to open up with such a story.

[JoeCanada76]

I remember when I was thirteen, eleven, twelve etc... There are a lot of things that happened. So you know what we are all coming from somewhere, and to think that somebody knows more then somebody else, or that other people have not experienced something is just all based on assumptions.

[tickle]

I came across this thread by accident, just musing along on a lazy morning at my fave hobby of AMHD and I have to say folks, all of you who responded on this thread, and it was truly a blockbuster, have shown why this board is one of the best with some of the most compassionate understanding members I have the pleasure to 'know'.

What spectacular, truly well written responses. I am so proud of you all.

I can't contribute to this thread, there is positively nothing left to say, except what a few have said. He is worth her time. It must have been torture for him to tell her what happened those many years ago. At least he had the benefit of counselling which meant that it had to be brought out in the open, dealt with and must have been hell for everyone involved.

Tick

[JudyKayTee]

Wow, J9 - wow. Tremendous courage on this board every day, helping others.

I feel sadness over this whole situation - I cannot imagine carrying a secret like this, sharing it with my partner... and having it bounce back on me in any way.

I agree with "Cat" - are there other issues?

[Catsmine]

Cat showed me this question, so I'll toss in a dash of cold water. The issue here is the lady's reaction to finding out her husband's childhood problems.

Does having childhood problems make him ineligible to breed? That's up to her. Does it make him unlovable? Again, her call.

Does the news call for a freak-out? Absolutely. Divorce? I'd recommend against. Some conversations with a neutral party/referee to explore his bad timing and her fears? I'd recommend for.

[tickle]

Jesushelper76 agrees : What about the torture that the abused person went through. It has been one sided... Everybody seems to forget about the abused.

I am not forgetting, trust me. I had someone very very close to me abused by trusted friends at the tender age of, let me think... 8 or so. They were the same age or about so this brought the memory back to me and I think about it often. It has never left me. I know for sure though that the person close to me is a well adjusted individual now, of 27 and has never looked back and has a healthy outlook of sexual relationships. He is male.

It depends a lot on the individual and how they accept the abuse and move on from it and have supportive people around, so maybe, I am hoping, that other individual moved on with a healthy mind, or I would like to think she did, if it was a girl.

Yes, I was thinking your thoughts too, Jesushelper.

Tick

[talaniman]

This has to be a tough thing to deal with, and I think the best approach is getting you, and him, some help in facing, and dealing with this together. That's the only way I think that you get answers, and understanding, of the whole situation, even the question of why he waited. I suspect he wrestled with this on his conscious for a long time before he came clean, because he could have carried this to the grave. He had help before, now you both should have that same help now.

Only then can you make a good decision with facts, and not just feelings, and only if you think he is worth it.