My husband recently told me that he molested his younger cousin when he was 13. We have been married less than one year. He spent several years in therapy after it happened and claims that he's rehabilitated. I am having a really terrible time with this, and am considering asking for a divorce. I don't want to start a family with a man that a) would keep something like from me until I was stuck with him & b) might do it again. I do love him and I don't know what to do. Can adolescent child molesters be rehabilitated? Has anyone been through something like this?

Did he say why and exactly what happened, although not right was it consented or forced, how young was the cousin ( and what sex)

He has not done anything like it sense ?

He did not have to even tell you, seems he trusted you enough to be perfectly honest with you

The cousin was female and 5 years old at the time. He said it was touching but wouldn't say anything else about the nature of the contact. This went on for months until she came forward and he went to counseling. He has not done anything like it sense, in 13 years. He said he did it because he was very depressed and felt completely isolated.

I'm usually a very strong advocate AGAINST this behavior, but I will admit that it happened to a family member of mine. I won't say which family member was the molester or molestee, but I will say that this behavior can change.

It does not always describe who the person is to be as they mature and grow. Many times there is just a curiosity factor involved with the teen and the younger cousin was just a participant.

Consider yourself lucky that he told you. He could have kept this a secret, and probably should have. The molester I know now has a wife and 2 beautiful children. He is an upstanding member of the community.

If this only happened with one person, one time, and that was 13 years ago, you can most likely chalk it up to tween curiosity.

Not every boy/girl that has done this grows up to be a monster.

I agree with Fr. Chuck point that he did not have to tell you at all. He trusted you enough to tell you the truth about his past.

Another question would be how old was he was he did this?

He said he did it because he was very depressed and felt completely isolated. What will happen if he feels like that again?

You can come and ask us what to do, but in the end it is your decision on what to do...

Best of luck in your decision.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Another question would be how old was he was he did this?

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He was 13 Joe.

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Originally Posted by J_9

He was 13 Joe.

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True, and I also agree that as a teenager some of it could be considered curiosity.

The thing is the person it happened to, it effects there life. In greater ways then many people might think.

Whether it was 13 or not. The effect of the situation on that younger person could scar her or whoever it may be for a long time.

It is not something that goes away in time. It is something that that person will have to carry around for a long time.

I'm worried that he could feel depressed again and do it again in the future. I don't want to bring children into that situation. Also, it's hard to see him the same because now I know this.

I do understand that this is ultimately my decision, but I have no one to talk to about this. He is ashamed of this fact and I really cannot tell anyone.

It is good to know that you know someone who did something similar and they did not turn out to be a monster.

His cousin also received counseling and the two now have a good normal relationship. It took a long time but they both got help. She seems well adjusted but I'm worried about her too.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

True, and I also agree that as a teenager some of it could be considered curiosity.

The thing is the person it happened to, it effects there life. In greater ways then many people might think.

Whether it was 13 or not. The effect of the situation on that younger person could scar her or whoever it may be for a long time.

It is not something that goes away in time. It is something that that person will have to carry around for a long time.

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It just goes to show you that people can change.

Also would like to say that some people who have had it happen to them, go and do it to someone else. Not saying that it happens always but sometimes.

I am wondering if some way he was abused as well??

Edit: It is good that they both got counseling and it seems that they both have grown up well adjusted. That is very good. If there relationship is fixed and normal now. There should be no reason this should effect your relationship with your husband.

He was not abused, unless he's keeping that from me as well. He suffered from depression and was in and out of therapy through childhood and adolescence. He said he knew that his cousin could not say no to him because she was young.

Because his cousin got counseling, I hope that she will not do it as well. She seems happy, but I guess you never know.

What I am trying to say is some things like this does not get noticed or treated. That some people hold this type of secret for years and years and do not seek any help for it. So I am glad that they both got help and counseling and it seems like it did the trick for both of them.

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Originally Posted by murpheyb120000

It is good to know that you know someone who did something similar and they did not turn out to be a monster.

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Murpheyb, the molester was my oldest son, he was 12 at the time. I say this so that you know that I am speaking from the experience of a mother. It was a young friend he had his "experience" with. I also have a daughter and do not worry about them together.

My son is now 26 and is the best father to his son and daughter that one could ever imagine. When talking to him he said that it was out of curiosity as well as depression and that he would never do this again.

The young girl also had counseling and is still a very big part of his life, albeit in a different way.

I will admit to be one to place labels on people, but through my experiences I have seen that not all situations are black or white.

You are a lucky woman that he was able to share his moment of shame with you.

I really HATE it when people just diagnose the problem without knowing the person. Without knowing your husband I would like to say it would never happen again, but I can't promise you that it will or that it won't. Would your husband be willing to go into counseling with you?

I think that we live in a time when we are much more aware of things like your 'husband's big secret'. This of course is good.

However, I do think that we can become hypersensitive and jump to conclusions. Sometimes we assume that everyone that does this will either: be horribly scarred for life, or compulsively continue to molest any innocent available child.

This can often be bad, as it assumes negative consequences for both parties regardless of the circumstances.

I think that you need to talk to your husband about your concerns and doubts. I wonder if you might do this best with an objective third person present - such as a counsellor. If you don't talk about how you feel - even though some of your concerns may seem silly, you will always harbor those doubts and you may misinterpret some of your husbands future actions.

Don't let your doubts erode the love you have for your husband or your marriage. Go with him to a counsellor so that both of you can talk in a safe place and you can hear about what happened.

Counselling will also provide you with strategies to deal with your fears.

Many of us do things when we are teenagers that we later look back on with dismay as adults. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt and work together in dealing with your fears and concerns.

You'll feel better if you act, rather than just react.

With all due respect, this part of his past, not disclosed until after you married him, is worrysome. If counselling had solved the molestation issue, and he was settled with all the issues surrounding it, why wasn't it disclosed.

If, after marriage, he were to have said oh by the way, I had a DWI, and accidentally killed three people, it sort of changes your perception about what kind of person this is that you married.

If he had disclosed significant events in his life, and given you a chance to ask questions, seek advice and counselling- you would have been able to make an informed decision as to whether you wanted to move ahead with the relationship.

While he may be free from his past, his past is new to you, and the offence is a very serious one, regardless of age or circumstance, this isn't something that can be treated lightly, or accepted easily.

I have the greatest respect for J-9, and am so impressed with her honesty, and also the fact that she can truthfully say that in her circumstances, this has all worked out, which is music to my ears. As others have said, mistakes are made, corrective measures are taken, and healthy lives are restored.

But this isn't always the way. The molestation of that three year old girl, by a 13 year old, is predatory by nature, in my opinion. It is an act that is not simply written off as immaturity, or teenage inquisitiveness, or inappropriate, harmless fun. That counselling, he says, has 'rehabilitated' him, tells me that to some extent it was not successful, if he felt he needed to keep it a secret. Just my opinion and take on that part.

If he has said that depression and lonliness was the cause of his behaviour, that too would worry me. Depressed and lonely 13 year olds don't sexually molest 3 year olds. My question here is, has he been treated for mental illness as far as the depression goes?

I would ask him to consider counselling with you. While you don't wish to re-hash history and bring up unnecessary painful memories, I am of the opinion that you need to directly deal with how his past, is affecting your present, and possibly your future.

You need reassurance, facts, and professional opinion to give you some level of trust that the issue is over, and that it won't happen again. As I've also said, the depression to that extent needs to be addressed as well, and determined to be worthy of assessment in itself.

I truly hope that he is a stable individual who has overcome this, for your sake. But I know if it were me, I'd be asking a lot of questions, and insisting on counselling. If only to have another perspective that all is well, it was a one time thing, everybody had counselling, and there is no chance of it ever happening again.

That is why I was asking questions too. This is concerning and should not take lightly. I try to remain how do I say it. Objective. There are lots of questions to ask and I agree more with Jake that, there is red flags here. Was going to say that to J9 that there is that flip coin and many more times these things do not turn out right.

Plus we need to look at it at the victims point of view as well. There are so many factors , etc.

Counseling I agree is very important as a couple, and for you individually to get hold of your feelings and thoughts about this new light on your husband. Yes, this is new to you and of course it would be shocking and devastating to hear.

Lets hope he is willing to go with you for counseling. Which I do not think will be a problem.

Good luck with everything.

Joe

I agree that counseling should not be taken lightly here. However, let's not throw the OP's husband to the lions just yet.

This sort of thing has been going on for decades, it's just this day in age that it has become more taboo than it used to be. Parents used to cover this up in the past and to be left in the past. I can't even be sure my daughter-in-law knows about my son's indiscretion.

Everyone here is ready to judge this man and throw him to the wolves, but we don't know him. This very well could have been tween curiosity. A boy who has heard about sex and was curious used a young child to explore. That doesn't necessarily mean that he is a predator and should be locked up. We have to be careful of who we label a sex offender. Those of you that know me know that I am usually one to cast the first stone when it comes to subjects like this, however, I see this particular situation different than most of you do. I've lived this, have you?

I can only speak for my own words, and I am not condemning anybody, especially the OP's husband.

From the perspective of our OP, is where I'm coming from, and counselling is a good way to put it all out there, and make decisions based on fact, and not emotion, which is easy to do under the circumstances as it is devastating news to hear, after she married him.

And it is true, that for many years this topic of 'exploration' or 'sexual curiosity', or whatever you call it, has gone on, and people pushed it under the carpet as normal behaviour. Historically, we can see the damage done to victims, and also in a historical sense, we know that left unchecked, many adult males who target children sexually, do not stop until they are sent to prison. Recividism rates are very high; offenders repeat, and rarely is the word 'cured' used for such behavioural, when it has carried on for decades.

With your example you were a success story, and I'm truly happy that the transgression was stopped quickly, and therapy was successful. If only every story could be the same.

But, the distinction here, at least to me, is that the husband was not stopped until the three year old told on him. Had this not been done, would he have continued? Who knows, but, thanks to today's education 'good touching bad touching' etc. that we teach our children, even a three year old knew to tell.

I don't know if it was a one shot deal, or if it carried on many times, nor do I know what type or what duration the therapy occurred, and if the depression was treated, or if he had good family support, etc.

Again, I'm happy that this worked out in your family, sincerely I am. But, trying to walk a few blocks in the OP's shoes, and had that been my three year old daughter, I would have some serious questions about all of it. I would hope that I'd have the courage to seek counselling, because it would be extremely difficult fact for me to live with, without it.

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Originally Posted by murpheyb120000

a) would keep something like from me until I was stuck with him. . .

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That is a shady move to wait until marriage before releasing information that devastating, it would've been shown more respect on his part to have gotten that out on the table in the latter part of the "getting to know you stage" of the relationship. Obviously, he planned it this way. We can't blame you for losing trust or questioning his intentions.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't know if it was a one shot deal, or if it carried on many times, nor do I know what type or what duration the therapy occurred, and if the depression was treated, or if he had good family support, etc.

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This was EXACTLY the point I was trying to make. We don't know these things so we cannot be so quick to judge.

Judging the OPs husband could be just as detrimental to him.

Yes, my son is a success story, but his is not the only success. There are plenty others, some just choose not to share their past in this manner. Yes, there are pedophiles out there who do this over and over again. But, like I said, we can't place labels unless we know the entire story. And we don't.

You all can speak from your heart, but not from experience. I've spoken from my heart on other occasions as well.

Here we are only hearing one side of the story. We need to hear both sides to make a judgment. I wholeheartedly agree that counseling is absolutely necessary in this case. But I'm not going to cast my stone until I hear more of this story.