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stewen · Mar 15, 2010, 11:37 AM

My 14 yr old son has no respect for his father or me he cannot accept no for an answer. He does well in school . He seems to get every thing he wants with minipulation and blaming others for everything . I do not know what to do . He has had police officers sent to our home because he played a tape at school of his father yelling at him . We cannot take this We need help with what to do about his disrespect

justcurious55 · Mar 15, 2010, 11:45 AM

Stop letting him get his way with everything. If you know he is manipulative stop letting him manipulate you. He's 14. If you say no, that means no. he doesn't have a choice in accepting it or not. You, I'm assuming pay for the roof over his head and the food he eats and the clothes on his back. And there's no need for yelling. Be the parent. No screaming matches. You lay down the rules calmly but firmly. He's at that awkward in between stage between being an adult and a child. He's old enough you can't really do time out like when he was little but not old enough that you can't discipline him at all. Now the discipline is grounding him for a weekend, taking away the cell phone, video games, or computer, etc. just make sure the punishment fits the crime.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 15, 2010, 07:00 PM

Set up NO, as no, take away everything from cell phones to TV to CD and let him earn any and everything back before he gets it back.

So DAD yells, nothing illegal, don't let police in without warrant

Jake2008 · Mar 15, 2010, 11:55 PM

You have allowed a situation to develop where he is the parent, and you are the children. What he says goes, and he gets his way no matter what.

Time to get back to some good old fashioned parenting. Write out some rules and boundaries, make it a 'binding' contract of actions and consequences. Enlist the help of school counsellors, and any outside source that offers help with out of control teenagers. The local CPS/CAS (in Canada) often offers courses at local schools on how to keep control in your house while raising a teen.

There is no magic formula or pill you can pop in his orange juice in the morning, and have him suddenly be the apple of your eye by the end of the day.

It isn't easy to turn this situation around, but it isn't impossible either. The more you learn to correct the mistakes that have contributed to his behaviour now, the sooner he will be easier to live with, and the sooner you will regain your authority as his parents.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2010, 07:18 AM

A Military school will teach the little brat he isn't king of the hill, and will teach him discipline and respect. If you can afford it, and it is well worth finding a way to pay for it. He will get a very good education as well. I know people who used this route with amazing success. And they weren't wealthy at all.

And the best part is he won't be at home to cause trouble... they have him 24 X 7. He learns to behave and follow the rules or they make his life a living hell until he does.

KBC · Mar 25, 2010, 08:27 AM

Setting boundaries for this can be done, it'll take a serious amount of effort on both your parts,, you are the parent,he is the minor you are in charge of, stop this now.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Don't settle for half-measures,stop enabling him to continue this behavior, it's entirely up to you(both) to put a stop to this,, the state doesn't want to get involved, don't make it so they have to.. (spoken by a person who was similar to this boy and had to learn the hard way)

slapshot_oi · Mar 25, 2010, 09:09 AM

I was like that at 14, except my grades were awful--I barely made it into college, my SAT scores saved me. I was, and still am as some users would note, pretty adamant and the family doesn't like it.

The main cause of my stress and anger (and I'm guessing his too) was being forced to go to a public school where they treated us like morons. We could only walk in one direction in the hallways because of liability of injury. There were also talks about banning running at recess and this is after they took away gym class from sophomores and up; I'm not making this up. It's a prison, not a learning environment. Oh you they also had an undercover cop come and buy weed off students where they were charged and expelled; we weren't respected by the admin. And staff, so why do we have to respect them? Anyway, my parents would always side with the school and agree that "I'm a troubled youth" so I'd go crazy and take it out on them; I had no one on my side expect for my buddies. I ain't perfect, but I know that I can walk through a hallway without sustaining injury.

He's going to be that way, that's who he is. I don't know what to tell you but to stick it out and believe that although he may be disrespectful, he still can go far in life and will come around later. He'll probably move out as soon as he can and once he does his relationship he has with you and his dad will greatly improve. I visit my mom every weekend, help her out around the house and make dinner, the 14-year old me would never, ever do that.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2010, 09:39 AM

Schools aren't meant to be recreation centers... and I'm glad they were actively doing something about illegal drugs.

As a kid you are OBLIGATED to respect your elders... its that entitlement mentality that some people make them believe they are owed everything that causes this.

Yeah... he might grow out of it... but them, he might end up in jail... and that's not to mention the stress and pain he is causing his parents now...

And what the brat was doing far excedes acceptable boundries. He has to learn there is a price for his behaviour.

I know a kid like that... knew everything at 14, listened to nobody... did what he wanted when he wanted... caused his widowed mom a LOT of pain...

Military school cured him of that REALLY quick... and a plus is he bacame a good student as well.

Today he has graduated... and has a promissing career in the Navy he enjoys. If not for military school, he might be in a gang now... dead or in prison. And no... thats no exageration. Several of his friends at 14 are in jail today.

Why leave it to chance... and the influence of his criminal "Friends" who are no better themselves.

slapshot_oi · Mar 25, 2010, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Schools aren't meant to be recreation centers.....and I'm glad they were actively doing something about illegal drugs..

Did I say that recess should last for eight hours? I've come to realize that Baby Boomers often forget that they were once teenagers. You can't relate, public schools weren't like this when you were 14. There was no such thing as "No Child Left Behind" and multilingual schools. You weren't forced to listen to 5th grade math lectures in the 8th grade because of a state mandate of an exit exam. It wasn't automatically assumed you were beaten by your parents if you walk into school with a black-eye and then have to sit in the councilor's office all day to "talk about your feelings" and have social workers call your parents at work, again, state mandate. And you sure as hell could walk which ever way you wanted in the hallways. You had more autonomy and were given more responsibility in days of yore; that is certain.

The public school curriculum is built to legally protect the school administrators and staff from the gov't and angry parents, but mostly from parents. The kids themselves are the afterthought and they're creativity is stuffed. Do you agree?

Military school might work, I don't know I never been there and never known anyone to go, but I do know it's expensive. Plus, if he acted out and got the boot, his parents would still have to pay the hefty bill.

Before I get yelled for being off track, let me expound upon my point here to the OP; just do your best to see his side even when he refuses to see yours. If you can empathize with him, your words will go farther.

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2010, 10:51 AM

The OP's son, does well at school. That indicates he has some self discipline, routine, self-awareness, ability to do what is expected of him, and most importantly he is learning. Perhaps school is more of a haven for him rather than a place that treats him like dirt.

The problem as I see it, is not that he cannot control himself, obviously he does to have some success in school. The problem is in the home, and teachers can't be blamed for that.

As I said originally, for some reason, he chooses to mix things up at home to the point where his father is recorded screaming at him, and he plays this at school. Why. Does this seem like a desperate measure to anybody else? Is he proving a point? There was never one single time my husband screamed at my children, or was out of control. In fact, my son was brought home with a few of his friends one night, and after talking to the officer, my husband calmly told my son and his friends something that I to this day, don't know what, but, whatever it was, he got his point across without screaming at anybody. All of them have successful lives, but, they all were disciplined appropriately.

I truly hope that the parents figure out what they need to do to be more effective in raising their son. They are not exempt from responsibility here in my opinion.

smoothy · Mar 25, 2010, 11:09 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Did I say that recess should last for eight hours? I've come to realize that Baby Boomers often forget that they were once teenagers. You can't relate, public schools weren't like this when you were 14. There was no such thing as "No Child Left Behind" and multilingual schools. You weren't forced to listen to 5th grade math lectures in the 8th grade because of a state mandate of an exit exam. It wasn't automatically assumed you were beaten by your parents if you walk into school with a black-eye and then have to sit in the councilor's office all day to "talk about your feelings" and have social workers call your parents at work, again, state mandate. And you sure as hell could walk which ever way you wanted in the hallways. You had more autonomy and were given more responsibility in days of yore; that is certain.

The public school curriculum is built to legally protect the school administrators and staff from the gov't and angry parents, but mostly from parents. The kids themselves are the afterthought and they're creativity is stuffed. Do you agree?

Military school might work, I dunno I never been there and never known anyone to go, but I do know it's expensive. Plus, if he acted out and got the boot, his parents would still have to pay the hefty bill.

Before I get yelled for being off track, let me expound upon my point here to the OP; just do your best to see his side even when he refuses to see yours. If you can empathize with him, your words will go farther.

Trust me... I had it tougher when I was in school than you did.

WE got paddled... publically when you didn't do your homework... or disrespected a teacher...

Yeah we did have drugs back then too...

Point is I can't empathise with a little self centered brat... nor do I want to. And you have to REALLY , REALLY act out to get tossed from a militart school. You have to be a complete "A" hole to get past that pressure... and trust me... if he's that bad, he deservse to sit in jail. Military schools are used to punks like this.

Sorry... but I AM a hardazz. The odds are against him growing out of it before his life is ruined. And no parent should have to put up with that level of crap. There are limits... and he exceded them.

And while you may not remember being 14... I'm 48 and can. I remember faces, clothes.. smells, the teachers, their hairstyles, voices and so on... so clear it could have been last month. Hell I still remember certain things from when I was 3 years old... which I found out after college when a converstation came up and I described to a T the house and car... colors included of a house and car my parent moved out of when I was 3 years old, A relative at one point pulled old photos out and I picked one photo out and asked if that's were we once lived... they were shocked because there I no way I should have remembered it as we had never been back since and that was the only photo of it. No I don't rememebr everything and it gets less the older it is.

It wasn't acceptable back then either. In fact, you would have gotten the crap beat out of you BY THE TEACHER... if you did that... and they would be at work the next day while you were suspended. Yeah... saw it happen a couple times with my own eyes, still remember the names of the kids and the teachers involved.. impressed the heck out of me because both times it was a BIG male student.. (the ones guys feared).. and the teacher was shorter and one case MUCH fatter... and the kid got their butt mopped all over the floor both times...

And for sure your dad would beat the hell out of you if you got in his face like the OP says. Not just my dad... but every other dad I knew.

slapshot_oi · Mar 25, 2010, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Trust me.....I had it tougher when I was in school than you did.

I know, that was my point of my post. My generation was babied in school, we faced minimal challenges, we didn't learn. Speaking of, if you weren't learning or doing your homework, you were put into a SPED program where you watched movies all day in a classroom with your friends, and were given grades based on attendance. I tried so hard to get into the SPED program. It's a far cry from paddling, but, that's to be expected growing up in the bluest state in the union, the same state that gives ex-wives life-time alimony, grand ol' Massachusetts.

And I do remember 14. I'm half your age.

Originally Posted by Jake2008

The problem as I see it, is not that he cannot control himself, obviously he does to have some success in school. . .

If he couldn't control himself, he wouldn't be able to concentrate, which means he would have no success in school. This kid knows what he's doing, and the OP said he gets his way through manipulation; he's obviously a bright kid.

I do have a question for the OP, is he consistently violent? For example: picks fights, steals, says stuff that is just downright mean and shows no remorse? If you answered no, then it's clear he has a conscience; he will grow out of this once he moves out. Otherwise, it might be wise to take smoothy's advice and send him to reform school because the violent kids always end up in prison.