[breinders]

My son is so mean to my husband. He has done so since 16. He has never had consequences for it. We visited him in Chicago this weekend and all he did was critize my husband and call him old, deaf , etc. He lacks emotions. My husband is loving and when he tells him he loves him he says that his is smothering him. We left his house before we were scheduled to do so. He even made my husband cry. What can we do?

[ja77]

At your sons age he is old enough to know better. I would tell him to man up - act his age and get some manors - or stay the hell away.

You should also tell him that you do not like the way he treats your husband, and how it makes you feel.

Sorry at his age he really should know better.

[JBeaucaire]

Do you live close at all? This sort of thing requires ACTION on your part if there's any chance at all of fixing it.

By action, I mean you first warn your son and his wife that disrespect will no longer be tolerated, in any form. Make it clear your next visit ends 2 minutes after he disrespects you or your husband.

Then go visit. You should expect to leave moments after arriving. (chuckle) You can have other events planned ahead of time so the trip isn't wasted, but he needs to think it's to actually visit them.

Then go visit again. And leave again, instantly, when he is disrespectful.

The trick here is to just do it, not have a big argument about it. He gets rude, you get up, give him a hug, thank him for his "hospitality" and you'll stay next time longer if he gets control of his mouth. Then hug the wife and leave, with no fanfare.

Guys only stop bad behaviors as long as there is a cost. So far, no cost, so no change. Calmly, and in his face, he needs to be punished for his rudeness.

If he pulls that stuff on the phone, I'd laugh, "Oh my, guess that's our cue to hang up. Bye." And hang up.

[chuff]

Have you ever asked him?

I'm going speak as the son here. I'm in my 30's and do not speak to my father. My problems were probably always there with him but escalulated during my teen years. My father wasn't abusive... in a way, but he was a fake in the sense that he tried to pretend to like you and then treat you like crap to build himself up. If you ask people around him they think he's a nice person, but the moment the door closed he became someone else. Now I can't speak for you son, but when you said he was being smothered all I could think of was, "why is he trying now?" Where was he when he was a kid?

The difference between your son and me... the best I can tell, is that I have been honest to my father and he the last time I spoke with him, I asked him about some lies and he told me, and he then lied to cover it up. I don't stand for being lied to and then being lied to cover it up, especially on important things in my life. Assuming there is no abuse, I'm not sure what your son is upset about, but your husband has more then once done something that upsets his value structure. My mom asked me once and I flat out told her my problems with my father. I would think he'd be happy to share what his problem is.

[Hatikva]

Chuff: I appreciate your honesty and support you in your feelings. I am sorry that your father had screwed up values. I hope that there can be a spiritual healing for your dad and that he will beg your forgiveness before he dies. Lies should never be condoned and lying to your children is in many ways, worse. Lies are against God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) and it could be that your dad is spiritually lost and sick in his lies. This does not mean you have to accept him with open arms, but perhaps you need to tell him diplomatically why you don't want a relationship with him. Perhaps you can dig deep into your heart and forgive him, even though he doesn't ask for it. Then, go on your way and live your life with your good values and thank God that you are not like your dad and that you are honest. You sound like a fine young man. I, however, have always been a good mother, self-sacrificing, and the same in public and in private. My value system is wholesome and I gave my son a pretty good life. When he was 14 years old, he became a total stranger to me and has been ever since. He, at age 34, still disrespects me, lies on me and has told me to "f--k" off, more times than I can count. If I said "no to him", he would destruct my personal belongings. He was not nice to his wife (verbally) and it cost him a marriage. I believe he is evil and no, he has never been on drugs. He has a high I.Q. and has many fooled with his nice guy act but at home he was and is a tyrant, has tantrums, never repays his debts and it goes on and on. I recently just cut him adrift and will not answer his phone calls. I forgave him, even though he never asked, I pray for him to change, though so far, he is actually nastier. I have had many people tell me that I was too good of a mother to him. His best buddy throughout his teen years, even chewed him out for his treatment of me. To get back to your issue and to discuss mine, also, there is such a thing as "evil". There are borderline personalities and then there is just plain old devil evil. Maybe there are no answers for people like your dad and my son, but we can rejoice in knowing we are not like them. You are more of a man than your dad and an honest one who hates lies. I believe that often, bad parents happen to good kids and in my case, I am a good mother who had a bad kid happen to me. It sounds like perhaps, your mother had values that molded you as a child and you should thank God for her. My best to you

Jazzie

[martinizing2]

I am not trying to justify or make excuses for this behavior. It is wrong. Parents should be shown respect by their children.

I wonder how it was when they were little. Were they taught to show respect and punished when they didn't? Did they act out in disrespectful ways as they were growing up?

We as parents have to take some of the blame for how the kids turned out since we raised them.

But no adult should be disrespectful to any other adult just as common courtesy.

If there is a way to get them into counseling I think it would be a really good thing.

[JBeaucaire]

We as responders need to take a moment and make sure we're not responding to a two-year-old thread.

;)

[tomorrow42]

***... have you all lost your sense of direction? I would never disrespect my parents because their would be a price to pay. My sons now 20 and 26 has nothing but the up most respect for me. If one of my sons ever disrespected me I would not pause but act right then and their. Kissing your child's back side is not okay, you as the parent are allowing your child to be the parent and you the child. Wake up, the world is not fair and other people won't care about your child feelings or their opinions, so we as parents have to teach our children that there is a price to pay for negative. Actions. Tough love... If your child wants to play the adult role then I say treat them like an adult. STOP... kiss their butt and hoping that they will change, speak up.. say what you mean and act accordingly, So many kids are dead or jail because somewhere in their mind they feel that if "My parents take crap off of me, then everyone else will too"... Enough is enough, make your child accountable for their actions and remember You're the PARENT!!

[Forgiven777]

From birth to 6 yrs (six ) children are pretty much set in their ways.. that is they learn to respect or dis-respecttheir father or mother basically the way they are led to believe is proper.. parents that show disreguard for the other,or each other ,children will grow up showing the same... basicly "You Grow What You Sow".. I pray this Dad will continue to love his son,but not make himself available to be abused by his son,for it will only add to his son's abusive sin.. put time between them,give the son much time to consider his sinful acts against his Dad.. btw this son will not be blessed by God with children who respect him either.. what goes around comes around... children will basically follow where and how parents led.. the head of the man is God,the head of the woman is her husband if the mother takes charge over her husband,the children will not honor their daddy,they resent him... one last comment in while parents are not always right for no one is perfect; However though parents not always right,they are always your parents and due love and honor always... "Children honor your father and mother.. those who do are greatly rewarded...