[adidas]

I am a very physical person in that I enjoy sex, but more than the usual 23 year old male. I think about sex everyday, multiple times; its not even anything that I can help anymore and the fact that my girlfriend and I only have sex once a week or once every week and a half is not helping me to think about it less. Every other day is a frequency at which having sex would satisfy my sexual appetite. When we first met, it was only about two months before we were having sex multiple times in a day, couple times a week, and all over the place; it was great. Now we have sex once in a while it seems and I'm the one who ALWAYS initiates it. We see each other less now because of school and work (both full time), so I understand the being tired part (something that she gives me a lot when I start to initiate something). Being with someone who possesses about 1/16 of the sexual appetite that I have is difficult and frustrating. And since we do see each other less now, it imperative that we spend ample amount of time together first, then if she finds it convenient for sex to happen, then it's a go. I love to spend time with her: she's funny, she's intelligent, she's playful, she's very caring and unconditionally understanding. Overall, a good gf; except for the sex part. The sex is fantastic when it does happen, but the frequency is just not enough. "Taking care of it myself" is hardly comparable to the real thing and I've purchased other sexual playthings to address the issue, but nothing can replace the living, breathing, panting, moaning, fast-heart beating, hot, intense real thing. I smoke cigarettes to help deal with the constant frustration and we've had many a conversation about how I want to have sex more and it always brings about the same results: no change. I want to be wild and have sex in different places and in different positions like we used to... Someone please help!

[simoneaugie]

You're very articulate and you have had conversations with your girlfriend about this. Good.

The two of you may be a sexual mismatch. There are certainly some women who enjoy having sex as "wildly" and often as you describe. If that is the case (a mismatch) then it is doubtful that she will change. Each person has his own sexual schedule which is hard-wired.

If she is not having orgasms (and women are experts at faking them) then that could account for her reluctance. Would you want to have sex every other day if it only meant frustration, feeling used and a wet mess?

Have you studied female anatomy and talked to her in depth about what she likes in bed? Do you make sure to take care of her needs (arousal and orgasm) before having your own climax?

I'm not saying you're a bad lover. But as a female, lack of orgasms would be my only reluctance. I like to do the deed every day, but have reservations if the orgasms are hit and miss.

Being tired and not having frequent opportunities are factors too.

[adidas]

We climax at the same time every time.. and she's dead honest. She's told me she's never faked and I believe her because she's not the caliber of girl who would do such things. I'm always trying to do new things to keep things interesting and I love to do what makes her feel good, no matter what it is (sexually speaking of course right now). Orgasms are not the problem, for sure. As ar as talking about what she likes in bed, I'm always the one asking her what she likes; that's how it's always been. And thank you for your comment (or compliment) about my being articulate; that makes me feel better amongst all this frustration :)

[kp2171]

I say this too much, but buy the book She Comes First (ian kerner)... read it, give it to her to read... if she doesn't come back at you with some enthusiasm about sex, then her drive is just lower...

Its talked about as a book on how to perform oral on a woman, but really it isn't that simple. Its about building sensual tension... sure... there are tricks and suggestions... but mostly its about perspective regarding engaging the female body and mind.

Not a perfect sex book at all... but an easy read... an easy share... and if she likes it maybe shell follow-up with He Comes Next, the sequel...

Books are a great way, in my opinion, to get your partner thinking about things without forcing it...

[kp2171]

Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262): Ian Kerner: Books

[Larken85]

Sorry but I think she may be faking. While it is possible that the two of you climax at the same time every time it is not probable. Getting a woman to climax through sex is not easy and is one of those things that you just have to do perfectly. Unless you have a penis that totally envelops her vaginal canal there is almost no way to make her orgasm with sexual intercourse every single time. I mean if you are talking oral that is a different story, you can make a woman orgasm every single time with oral, I know this because its my specialty activity and its something I excel in. I am not trying to call her a lier in anyway and I am sorry for sounding like that but I have to say that the thought of the both of you climaxing at the same time every time is just had to believe. I get your frustration though, my girlfriend is tired a lot now-a-days too. It is killing me. But she is finally making the effort and we are back up to twice a week... (still not enough for me but I can live with it.) My problem is the lack of intemacy before sex, but this isn't about me, its about you. Be happy that she has a sex drive at all. My girl doesn't.
I just say love the sex you're having because when you both hit 80 it ain't happening at all. Not without breaking a hip at least. More over though, you need to make more time for one another. Time with each other is what keeps relationships good and honest and is what makes sex happen much more often.

[Cat1864]

How long have you been dating?

When you first got together it sounds like there was a lot less stress in both of your lives. Now, however, there is full time work and school plus studying and day-to-day living (laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.).

I wonder if you give her a chance to initiate sex. From your writing it sounds like you are already to go and expect her to be in the mood as soon as you are. No matter how pleasurable sex is, it can become one more chore if it feels like there is pressure to perform being applied.

I think you need to communicate with her. Not just tell her you need more, but listen to her when she tells you why she hasn't been in the mood. It may be that she is feeling less sexy and more like a sex toy. It may be that she needs more time to build up to being in the mood. Some people can't just go from Biology class to biological functions.

By the way, Larken, some of us are very lucky in that our partner climaxing can send us over the edge at the same time. It is extremely rare that I don't climax at the same time my husband does.

[Synnen]

Cat--I do want to say that you have a good level of communication with Cats, and that your years together and time working with each other on your sex lives has a HUGE impact on that simultaneous orgasm thing.

If the OP's girl isn't in the mood for sex that often, but then manages simultaneous orgasm with him EVERY time, I'd suspect faking too.

Heck, I've been having sex with my husband for 15 years, and we're GREAT with communication--but it's only about one in five times that we'll end EXACTLY together.

I'm betting the lack of REAL foreplay is an issue here. To the OP--if you want sex EVERY SINGLE TIME you are together, that's a burden, and it becomes a chore. There's no teasing, because then you get accused of holding out, or of starting something and not finishing it. There's no touch that isn't SUPPOSED to lead to sex. There's no cuddling, no intimacy at ALL that isn't "supposed" to lead to sex.

That's a lot of freaking pressure.

And even IF you're not nagging and bugging her, the heavy sighs, the sullen "nothing" when she asks what's wrong, the withdrawal from ANY intimacy that doesn't lead to sex--well, that doesn't exactly fuel the mood, honey.

Once again--TALK about it with each other, openly, honestly and NOT at a time when sex didn't happen when you wanted it to.

I bet you any money that the mood just isn't there for her anymore, now that you're past the "wooing" stage and have her. You don't do the random sweet things, you don't touch her just to touch her, there's no "dating" aspect to your dating, anymore---and no excitement because of it.

[kp2171]

When estimates of the number of women who struggle to reach orgasm by intercourse hovers as high as 70-80%, its pretty easy to say that most of those women aren't regularly having simultaneous or near simultaneous orgasms with their partners.

Which, of course, means 20-30% aren't having problems... and while we don't know the percentage of those who are able to time it with their partner... batting 0.300 may not be a hall of fame lock in, but it isn't terrible either.

I'm probably ponying up with synn. Hard to see a girl with a low drive being able to hit that every time with her partner in synch.

I've only had one partner who was absolute money in the bank in this area. It was crazy easy to reach orgasm with her, but that was because it was crazy easy to get her there. She simply could take more direct pressure, wasn't embarrassed to self stim during, and was the most responsive of any girl I've been with to manual stim by me during.. which was key, I think. She could simply let her mind go and release. God, that was a fun, fun, fun relationship in the bedroom.

'course that skewed my perspective. I felt like a Master of the Bedroom after that relationship, only to find just about everything that made that girl hit hard orgasms on call... well... the next girl absolutely HATED it. Hard fall back to earth, man.

[Cat1864]

Cat--I do want to say that you have a good level of communciation with Cats, and that your years together and time working with each other on your sex lives has a HUGE impact on that simultaneous orgasm thing.

If the OP's girl isn't in the mood for sex that often, but then manages simultaneous orgasm with him EVERY time, I'd suspect faking too.

One of the reasons that I rarely discuss orgasms on the board is that I know what I share with Cats is unique. The years we have spent together have impacted us as a couple, however, the 'simultaneous orgasm thing' has been there since the first time we had sex. It has been there through the ups and downs of each of our libidos. I am certain that there have been times when Cats thought I had no libido because having sex was so infrequent. It wasn't that I didn't want him or want sex with him. It was that life provided too many distractions to really get in the mood. However, the magic was there when we did have sex.

adidas, what I guess I am trying to say is don't accuse her of lying about her orgasms just because she isn't wanting sex every minute of every day. What triggers it for her may be unique for you as a couple.

I still think you need to discuss the matter with her. Listen to what she has to say as well as saying what you need. Quite frankly, you seem to like her, but I am wondering if you see her as a partner or someone to satisfy your 'needs'. There is a lot of what you 'need/want' in this. Have you given any thought to what she 'needs/wants'? It may be that she has a higher libido than you seem to think she does. It may just be that daily stresses are keeping it toned down.

A quick question: How does she feel about smoking? I ask because if the heavier smoking is a recent development, could she be finding it a turn off?

[Jwingard]

My girl is the same way seems like that always want you to do all this for them just so you can have your one night a week you crave everyday. Don't get me wrong I help out but just seems way lopsided and I hate this hold females have over males and it's driving me insane. I haven't seen my girlfriend in 8 months. I fly her down take to a nice place too eat (200 bucks) nice put us up in a hotel next to one of the biggest malls in America so we can go shop tommrow and what does she do she passed out on me and doesn't even cuddle with some fin bs next time I'm taking this 500 and buying a damn stripper at least I know I'll get some. Sorry didn't mean to go crazy just very upset right now

[Synnen]

Jwingard--so you think that you can BUY sex with shopping, a nice dinner, a flight and a hotel room?

Amazing.

No wonder 13 year old girls are having sex---13 year old boys are convincing them that they OWE them sex for taking them on a nice date.

[Enigma1999]

next time I'm taking this 500 and buying a damn stripper at least I know I'll get some.

Hey, that sounds great... maybe you will even catch aids...