[pandead]

I couldn't remember my username/password so I made a new account.

Let me start from the beginning. I found out about AMHD in September, when my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I was just initiating NC and he contacted me, so I asked you all what you think and you told me not to answer him.

I did.

Long story short, he was the guy I left everything for. After we met, I divorced, quit my job, threw away my furniture and came back to my parents' house (after living alone for 10 years, at 28... not great, I know) and a week after I moved to my childhood room he left me. He started to date right away, leaving me in pain.

After I wrote here, he came back with promises, said he will buy a house so we can live together, and pay for my plane ticket to go see him and meet his family overseas. Which he did, I stayed with him and his family for months, before we moved to "our" new house and I came back here to save more money and pack.

Seeing me rot in my bed for 3 weeks since I came back, my parents decided to "invest in me" and make a loan to send me there with the money I need. I asked him 10 times if he was sure of what we're doing, he said he is. He even talked about getting married and "maybe even having kids one day"...

I was already struggling building the trust I lost last summer and I have to admit I became really needy and jealous recently. So last night, he told me he is sorry for all my trouble (oh yay, sorry) but he doesn't want to be with me.

You will say "we told you so" and you're right. You did. So now I have 2 choices to end this pain : kill myself, or NC.

I don't have the courage to do the first one, so I sent him a message last night after "the talk" saying I'm sorry but I have to block/delete him and throw away everything to heal. Which I did right away.

I still don't have the courage to tell my parents and (don't hate me for this) I'm hoping somewhere deep inside, that he will change his mind again and take me back. I can't stop myself from hoping we will get back together, which is the initial purpose of NC right now, hopefully it will change one day.

Any comments/suggestions will be read at least 10 times. Please help...

[kp2171]

You know what you need to do.

You know this guy is going to lie to you... and hoping for him to change is just not realistic.

That means you keep making terrible decisions and you get to blame others.

You need to own it. You messed up. It happens. He lied to you. Fine. You trusted him again and he lied again. Fine.

You have an option that you didn't list... move on without him... because NC hoping he will change is really not NC.

Complicate it all you want.

Accept that you don't like where you are. Accept you can make good healthy choices for yourself. Accept that you need to be accountable for your successes and your struggles.

But stop making this about how everybody else feels about you... this isn't about how your parents feel or this guy feels... its about how you feel.

And you need to feel like you deserve more than this noise.

[AmericanGirl01]

I agree with the post before me. Hun, you really need to go NC this time and really stick to it. Why do you want someone like this in your life?

I know it must be hard since you gave up so much for him, it would be really hard to imagine it was all a waste, but this guy isn't going to change.

He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. This sounds like he meets a girl, ends things with you, things fall through with the new girl, calls you up, gets your hopes up again, meets someone new, breaks up with you.. then what happens when things with this new girl end? He'll call you up again and it starts all over again.

Stand your ground, you deserve way better than this! Find someone that will love and appreciate you. Even if this man magically does change 15 years down the road, how can you possibly forgive him for everything he's already put you through?

[pandead]

Thank you so much for your support. kp2171, your answer made me cry. I realized it's really hard for me to admit that "I messed up" and even worse to think "it's fine"... And yes, AmericanGirl01 investing so much in this relationship is one of the main reasons I didn't want to give up.

From the youngest art director in Paris with a nice apartment and a casual "ex-bf-husband" going out all the time, I became the jobless (since over a year now!) person with 5$ on my bank account, living in my childhood room, without seeing any friends... (or what is left from "friends")

Something went wrong along the way. And I'm having hard time accepting it.

I've been looking for a job for a few hours, making emergency plans and NC is a part of them. My only hope at this point is that I will like being in control about even this one thing in my life, and end up liking it... which would lead to not wanting to be with him anymore.

I'm reading every single case on this website, some of them are so sad, but it gives me hope to see I'm not alone struggling and fighting with this.

[talaniman]

I can't stop myself from hoping we will get back together, which is the initial purpose of NC right now, hopefully it will change one day.

That's what I call half stepping. You're feeding yourself more false hope and waiting for him to blow back in your life, and do the same thing all over again. I call that insanity.

Only by committing to NC FOREVER with this fellow will you ever find your own happiness.

I strongly suggest you take the past LESSONS you should have learned and get a life that you enjoy, and recover from your insanity, AND make better choices for yourself.

Its not so bad if you heed the suggestions given here, and do better.

[TrueFaith]

You hold on to hope you will always be in pain
Haven't you learnt enough already girl?

It seems that you have not only made 1 bad mistake by trusting him and going back
But making another one!
And holding on to hope! That you will still be back together?

Do yourself a favor and us.. and listen to us this time around
We can only help those who will help themselves. And you my dear have to learn how to do that

I can't believe you said are you sure you want this to him?
I mean who cares if he is sure was you? You should have been asking yourself! That question when he asked you back after what he did.


Im not one for beating a dead horse. So I will say this only once

Cut him out of your life, deal with the pain and move on.

If you do not, and you keep on holiding onto hope after what he has done, then I'm sorry but you are just wanting a painful life.

I hope you make the right chocie.

[kp2171]

Accepting that we 1) made dumb mistakes and that 2) we can best forgive ourselves by not perpetuating them is not easy. But it is needed.

So cut yourself some slack one area... allow yourself to be a little mortal...

And tighten in the reigns in others... namely, this guy. He is not OK for you and any time and energy spent are in the past... regret doesn't get any of it back.

I've wasted more than enough precious time doing dumb things for all the "right reasons"... but OK... it really is OK...

I don't always like me. Haven't always been good friends with myself. But I'm starting to figure it out, I think... one stumble at a time.

By the way... as a person who once lived in about as deep a hole as you can get mentally and still walk this earth... Big Ugly Depression... it does get better. You just need to talk yourself into that place... seek help when you can... and sometimes we don't do that until we are ready.

Unfortunately, sometimes that means falling hard... often more than once.

So glad you are back. Don't make the same mistakes.

Whenever anyone is trying to get from where they are to where they want to be and are struggling... the key is to ask "what am i doing differently this time"...

Sounds simple. Even a cliché. But it's the truth.

So... what's the plan? What's going to be different this time?

[pandead]

I believe I came back for a reason. Everything you say makes sense, much more than 6 months ago. I had to stop 3 times to type these 2 sentences because I keep crying, without really knowing what I'm crying for. Lost love, lost life and people understanding me when the one I loved, or even my family can't see what's going on in front of them.

So here's my list :
- Forget and forgive : forgiving myself and forgetting him.
- Trying to get myself back, instead of trying to get him back : getting a new job, maybe a haircut, and calling my old friends, just to see.
- Getting rid of that guilt (that is a tough one) and everything that reminds me of him, including the extra 15 pounds I gained sitting at my computer to talk to him.

It's all I can think of. Add coming here every time I feel the urge to call him or text him to this, and it makes a lot of things to do, just for a beginning.
I know trying is the key, standing up and walking every time you fall. It just seems really hard but the first step to get my life back must be to remember who I was, the one who takes challenges. I did it at work when I was 18, why not with myself 10 years later...

I guess it's the "enough is enough" moment, I'm glad I am talking to the right people this time. I can see the difference between the moment I posted the question and now, even though I'm scared at some moment it will hit me again.
Thank you all again, I sincerely hope you have a little idea of how much it helps.

[AmericanGirl01]

It won't be easy, trust me, but I will promise you one thing: It will get easier. You'll have some great days, and some awful days, but over time those awful days will be few and far in between.

Your list looks great, I know my favorite thing to do after a breakup and get a nice new hairdo! Feels great! ;-)

Hang in there, we're all here for you!

[Fr_Chuck]

Your old user name was

Pandaface

With that you can find your old password

[amicon]

Stay strong and focused on the goals you set in order to get yourself and your life back.

Your relationship was a learning experience-now its time to start writing a new chapter.

Take care.

[pandead]

Quick question :
I woke up this morning to an email on my old address, from him. It's my 3rd day of NC and I just subscribed to a gym, you can imagine I'm not really healing as fast as I'd like to. (3 days... I know it sounds stupid)

So he says he's wondering every second if it was a mistake, and asks me not to ignore him forever (I told him I was going to ignore him before I said goodbye) that we could "even be just friends, even though it's lame"...

I don't want to answer.
Or do I?
I want to say "I'm dead since you left"
I want to say "You dump me once shame on you, you dump me twice shame on me. Move on"
I want to hug him, or I want to punch him in the face with an iron fist.

I want to say something, but I don't know what to say. Then I'm scared of losing the power I have.
Should I just sit here and do nothing? (umm, do nothing... OK I admit, I danced a little bit) :p

[amicon]

Now you've told us,you stick to no contact-delete him from your email and keep moving on.

Three days down the road will be three weeks,then three months.

[pandead]

That's the answer I was hoping for :D

I already deleted him but it's a private email you can't block people on. Thank you for the fast reply, I'm thinking I should try that "girls night out" I didn't have since college tonight :p

[amicon]

Hey-good idea!
Have a blast. :-)

[kp2171]

Good first step forward.

If you've been struggling with depression, there are some things you can do.

Socializing is an important one. Forcing yourself to get out of that bed. Out of the house. Out of your head for a bit. If hitting that mattress is the best part of your day, the safest place in your life, you know you need to get off it.

Accept the past as done and address your struggles. Regret over moves we didn't make but shouldve or shouldve had done, but did... well, that's normal and even healthy. Give yourself permission to feel a little lousy... even better if you can be ticked, but do something with it.

Depression is anger turned inward, on yourself.

Time to channel it a little. Putting energy into reconnecting in healthy ways is a great start.

Your parents want you healthy, long term. They might be frustrated short term. Might need to express unpleasant feelings. Let it happen. Again, it's a part of the acceptance you need. And think about what is going to be different this time.

I've talked with addicts and substance abusers who have cycled through treatment programs... who talk about relapse... and they often don't have a clue about what really happened. An alcoholic who thinks they fell off the wagon when they took that drink is short sighted. Many never, ever were in recovery at all... the relapse started when they did nothing to change the behavior that led them to their terribly destructive actions. That first drink or hit was not the event starting the relapse, it was just the dramatic ending of the relapse process turning into using.

So why the hell am I talking about addiction therapy? Because I think its very much the same with relationship struggles and personal struggles. The methods used to help some of the most desperate people are really just "healthy living" methods that can be applied to anybody struggling with life.

If you don't live your life differently in fundamental ways, you aren't recovering at all. And filling your time up with "stuff to do" isn't well rounded recovery. For ex, the person who buckles down and focuses on their career... sounds nice, but is it balanced and does it address the weak spots that lead to poor judgement? Probably not.

Your planning social time, the girls night... that's different. Getting meaningful time to reconnect with others IS a part of recovering from depression and is a part of recovering from unhealthy relationships.

So think about that as you move forward... what decisions did you make that got you here and why you think you made them? Are there any other angles that played into those decisions?

The next step is then to have a plan in place, especially for when you start to regress.

I've cycled through a really terrible depression, and several bumps in the road since over the years... what changed is my ability to recognize when I was sliding back down and when I needed to do things differently... and sometimes you have to make the same mistakes more than once to get that perspective.

So find some balance. Cut yourself enough slack so you aren't too burdened with those things you can't change... keep enough "healthy anger" about what's happened that you motivate yourself to change your behavior.

All that to say "good choice and have fun on your night out"...

[pandead]

I decided to be honest to myself, and I know I have nothing to fear here so I will admit I don't know how "healthy" it is.

I AM feeling good. I couldn't eat for a week (until today) so I lost some weight, gym helps a bit as well. Wearing my old jeans again makes me happy. But the main reason is... he wrote to me. He isn't out, dating girls and having fun like I imagined. He is suffering, maybe as much as I do. I'm still in game and I can beat him.

I used to be a very competitive, ambitious person. This works for jobs, games, whatever you can imagine. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes because I want to be as close to perfect as I can, and the rejection of a breakup is the worst way to tell you "you are not good enough"...

I AM good enough and knowing he knows that makes me happy. I feel mean, but I like it. I want my revenge. Not the "I'll write A55HOLE on your car with my lipstick" revenge. I want to be so good, and work so much on myself that no one will ever make me feel this miserable.

After your advice, I called my dad and told him I messed up. I kept crying and he said "it's okay to make mistakes, we will find a way, don't worry." I was surprised. He helped me with my resume last night and encouraged me to send it. My girls' night is cancelled because of the rain, but I will do it as soon as I can. Even though all the "girls" involved are pretty much in the same situation as me and it could turn into a pity party, I will go out there and dance for the first time in years.

I know I'm definitely not ready to date, the needy, insecure part of me still wants him back and I'm trying to kill that part. And it's probably not healthy to do it just because I know I can "win" against him. But I think maybe it's the only way to show myself that I can also win against the breakup and maybe even depression. Your example made me smile, I often think of myself like a drug addict. I knew it all along, he was bad for me, but I wanted to be with him anyway.

I know it has its ups and downs, I'm just hoping it won't explode one day out of nowhere and make me wonder if all the progress I thought I made was a lie. It doesn't feel natural to recover so easily. I'm scared, but I will try anyway.

I have hope and feel guilty about it. It's burning somewhere inside me, like when you know something is about to happen, but you don't know what. Yes, I'm still in game. And god, it feels good :)

[amicon]

Being on top of things and being strong is good,but its also OK to allow yourself to feel weak and cry your heart out if that's what you need to do.

Heal for you,panda, in your own way and in your own time, its not a competition who heals first.
Take care.

[pandead]

I've been trying to avoid this moment but it's killing me.

I messed up.
I sent him a message last night. I said his message was clear and I'm healing, we can't be friends just yet, maybe after we date other people when the awkwardness is gone. I've been nice and polite, but I broke NC :(

I don't want to do this again, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I guess I was waiting for another answer but you guessed it, he never did.

I'm having a bad moment, I wish I could skip this but I'm trying and I can't. I miss him. I wonder what he's doing, I do the "if I can jump from this red tile to the next he will come back to me" thing, without even noticing.

I know he's bad for me and he did horrible things that broke my heart so I have no clue why I want him back. But sometimes - like now - I just want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with him... It must sound stupid. My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't want to do this again but I know I can. I'm scared.

[amicon]

You're hurting because you're mourning the death of you relationship.

That's normal ,most of us would.

Time to let your head rule your heart though and not break NC again.