[Ulsenheimerak]

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago (we are in college) after dating for a year and a half. There was quite a bit of stress/buisiness in his life at the time which caused arguments in the relationship. When he broke up with me he said he was unhappy and could tell I was, but he still loved me more than he had anyone else and he wanted to be alone and single (hasn't been single since 7th grade). He said he wanted to stay "friends because I am such a good girl and he cares about me so much". Now I'm confused because he contacts me EVERYDAY at least 3 times a day. He sends me "goodnight texts" every night like he did in our relationship saying I'm a beautiful good girl and to have sweet dreams and he misses me.. blah blah. Hes asked me on two "dates" where he has paid and wants me to take him on a date tomorrow. Yet if I mention anything about this stuff having to stop eventually when he gets a new girlfriend, he says he's not going to get one and they won't have to stop.. yet he still acts like he wants to be single. (minus the fact that he contacts me almost as much as he did when we were in a relationship?) I want him back, but right now I just talk to him and listen to him about his day etc.. Advice?/what should I do?


I feel like he might just be feeding me a bunch of bs to try to make me feel better.. but its been going on for a month now.. I wanted to do the no contact thing.. but Idk if I'm strong enough?

[talaniman]

I would think that when a partner breaks the commitment off but still showers you with attention, they are only leaving there options open for other, better opportunities.

Its brilliant since your OFFICIALLY broken up, they just call less and less because they are busy with more important things, than you.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush
I think false hope of getting back together has you allowing him to do as he pleases when the thing to do after a break up is disappear and let them miss you and wonder why you are no longer available. Be honest, can't you see besides being dumped how you would feel when he shows you less attention?

You will never heal from the break up while you still have the feelings stirred up by continuing to be in any kind of contact with him.

[Ulsenheimerak]

Thank you for this!
All of this I'm thinking and doing is probably all too similar to everyone else..
I know I should do NC, but I feel like he thinks we have come so far since the break up.. and I feel like I'm showing him a better side of me w/o the stressful arguing.. yeah I guess I have the whole "false hope" thing :( sometimes I know he needs someone there and I want to be there, but really all that has happened is now he has control, and he can text me when he wants and call me when he wants while (whether he knows it or not,) I'm somewhat waiting for it. He is a good guy though, so it is so hard for me to believe that he is just keeping me on the side?
I don't feel like I'm strong enough to completely stop contact.
I've only come so far as to make sure he's the only one that contacts me though, and I respond.. we haven't gone a single day without talking, in fact our contact has only increased... (almost never talking about the relationship though). Should I go on the date tomorrow?

[sunsandmoons]

Don't go on the date, my ex pulled this same trick on me.

Wants to break up and be single, yet remain friends and talk. Cept she said possibly we'll give it a go when she's back home in 3 months.

All the guys here told me to cut contact. Im a little doormat and haven't yet done it and can't seem to.

Now this girl is contacting me, everyday just like she used to while we were going out. Yet we isn't going out.

Since I still haven't built the courage to cut contact yet, Im just letting her do the contacting and I only answer.

I'd say no to the date.

How do people pull these stunts. Say to him that you're doing exactly the same routine as when you were together except now you're not officially together. That's not on.

After reading your story, I think in my own situation I'd be better to completely disappear and you would too!

[Ulsenheimerak]

Dont go on the date, my ex pulled this exact same trick on me.

Wants to break up and be single, yet remain friends and talk. Cept she said possibly we'll give it a go when shes back home in 3 months.

All the guys here told me to cut contact. Im a little doormat and havent yet done it and can't seem to.

Now this girl is contacting me, everyday just like she used to while we were going out. Yet we aint going out.

Since I still havent built the courage to cut contact yet, Im just letting her do the contacting and I only answer.

I'd say no to the date.

How do people pull these stunts. Say to him that you're doing exactly the same routine as when you were together except now you're not officially together. Thats not on.

After reading your story, I think in my own situation I'd be better to completely disappear and you would too!!

It helps to know someone else is in this situation, although its awful. I feel exactly like a doormat a very USED doormat sometimes, and I get really upset with it but I put a smile on whenever he calls me or texts me.

I want to disappear but it's like breaking up all over again? Only a little better because the ball would be in my court. I just don't want zero contact to ruin my chances of having a relationship with him.

I guess he will miss me, but maybe it will force him to make a decision about us? I also don't want to be a cushion for the break up until he completely moves on.. if that's even what he is doing.. but I kind of am being one right?

[talaniman]

Yes you, are and that's my point. Why should you be feeling bad, full of hope, and he has all the options.

You are also afraid to call him, yet he calls at will, knowing you are AVAILABLE, but is he available to you for what you want? Tell me how fair that is, and why is it okay, to not even discuss this issue openly?

Take a stand for yourself, I mean you have already broken up, so disappear.

[coruzzi2]

He's probably wanting to screw around and have fun.
He wants you, probably mostly, and does like you and being around you..
But he doesn't want the bf/gf label because of the commitment that goes with it..
So if he gets caught BSing or with another girl its "but you're not even my girlfriend"

.. here's what you should do..
Just graduallly become more and more distant. This will show him that if he doesn't make a move, you're going to fade away.
Start to cut him off going out so much, say you're busy with something else. Going to go out with friends. Or something.
Give him the impression that maybe your options are open, he wouldn't want to loose you to someone else.

But still talk to him, be nice to him.. K.I.T
Guys love girls that are chill.
Act like you'll let him do his own thing.. but make it clear that that means the same rules apply to you. When this hits him, things will be a little different.

[vanheart]

You want to be in control, but aren't taking the steps.

Once you go NC, you will disable his selfish needs.

(dump you & still want to text, talk & hang, like everythings kosher)

Screw that. Take a stand for the most important person in your life.

YOU.

[Ulsenheimerak]

he's probably wanting to screw around and have fun.
He wants you, probably mostly, and does like you and being around you..
but he doesn't want the bf/gf label because of the committment that goes with it..
so if he gets caught BSing or with another girl its "but you're not even my girlfriend"

.. heres what you should do..
just graduallly become more and more distant. this will show him that if he doesn't make a move, you're gonna fade away.
start to cut him off of going out so much, say you're busy with something else. gonna go out with friends. or something.
give him the impression that maybe your options are open, he wouldn't want to loose you to someone else.

But still talk to him, be nice to him.. K.I.T
guys love girls that are chill.
Act like you'll let him do his own thing.. but make it clear that that means the same rules apply to you. when this hits him, things will be a little different.

He has been partying A lot.. almost every night for a month, where as he never used to. I want him back, but I also don't want to feel strung along..

You want to be in control, but arent taking the steps.

Once you go NC, you will disable his selfish needs.

(dump you & still want to text, talk & hang, like everythings kosher)

Screw that. Take a stand for the most important person in your life.

YOU.

I keep hearing this, but it wouldn't be "me" to just disappear? Should I explain why I'm going to have to do NC? I don't know how to go about it, honestly I'm really scared to do it.. :(

[vanheart]

You are thinking the wrong way.

You already are being strung along. By you. By allowing that.

There's a stringer & a stringee. (is that even a word? Hehehehe)

Hes partying & you are left wondering?

Didn't he already say he wants to be single?
TAKE THAT ONE TO HEART!!

That's exactly what my ex told me. I let her.

Went NC after 4 days. Her wish came true.

I blew out the candles for her.

[Ulsenheimerak]

You are thinking the wrong way.

You already are being strung along. By you. By allowing that.

Theres a stringer & a stringee. (is that even a word? hehehehe)

Hes partying & you are left wondering?

Didnt he already say he wants to be single?
TAKE THAT ONE TO HEART!!!!!!!!!!

Thats exactly what my ex told me. I let her.

Went NC after 4 days. Her wish came true.

I blew out the candles for her.

You're right. All the partying is with his poker buddies, every night almost. So I decided to go out a couple of nights.. every night he knew I was going out he texted me aaaall night, and of course made sure to call me. He said he was just so worried about me?. he ALWAYS has to be the hero, just part of his personality I guess, he's so nice to people he's almost a pushover.

[vanheart]

NC is easy.

Just never talk to him again.

What's difficult is figuring out you you are & what you want.

If you are worried about sparing his feelings, then don't.
He no longer deserves those. And you no longer deserve to hang on to someone that doesn't want you.

Once realization sets in. You will understand.

And that waiting around for him is ridiculous.
Relationships are mutual. He wants one thing, you want another.

That says it all.

To be true to yourself. That's who really counts.

This isn't the end, just the beginning.

[coruzzi2]

he has been partying ALOT.. almost everynight for a month, where as he never used to. I want him back, but I also don't want to feel strung along.. ?

Going NC is something you have to feel for in your instinct if it's not 100% clear that that's what you should do.
I recommend it a lottt, but in your case I think you would end up feeling worse going NC. I know some people don't agree with me (thanks kp, btw).. but if you really like him and want him back, that's going to keep his attention on you. He needs that reminder that you're there for him and you care.
But like I said, give him his space.. let him get this phase off his chest.
But if you feel its getting out of hand, make sure you draw the line between being a backup or something completely on the side. (update me)

Girl, trust me, I'm going through the same thing right now...
The guy I'm talking to is partying it up in miami this week..
We're not bf/gf though, and the way he started acting distant shortly before his trip really upset me.
But it hit me that he just wants to break the ties for a bit so he can have fun, and meanwhile see if I can hang. If I went NC, I wouldn't be in the back of his mind during his "fun" and may have therefore vanished from his mind. But now I know its me he'll be coming home to.. :)
That really kick back girl that's just amazing and chill.

Now he had his fun, got it out of the way, and is ready to be with the one he knows won't give him drama or play mind games with him all the time. The one that was there all along. And now I'm here with open arms. Because I really like him, and he's worth it to me.

[lostgirl17]

Hi I'm not the best person but I'll try staying friends is bad because your going to be alone and he's not going to get with you he makes you think that but he don't want to be with you a boy did the same to me if I was you I ask him if you want to be with me than be with me if not than leave me alone that's what I did

[sunsandmoons]

Hmm partying. My ex isn't actually doing anything. She's depressed and when she calls me daily and I ask what she's doing, she says she can't be bothered to do anything, she can't even be bothered with herself.

She's turned down invites to go out with her friends the past 2 weekends.

Even so, she said she wants to be SINGLE for her. She already feels crappy and me on her case isn't helping.

Either way, them saying they want to be single, should be enough for us to be hurt by that and disappear.

[talaniman]

he has been partying ALOT.. almost everynight for a month, where as he never used to. I want him back, but I also don't want to feel strung along.. ?



I keep hearing this, but it wouldn't be "me" to just dissapear? Should I explain why I'm going to have to do NC? I don't know how to go about it, honestly I'm really scared to do it.. :(

Let me explain this simply.

No Contact is to heal from a break up, so that you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.

This is not a mind game to make the ex think a darn thing, because its about YOU, and what you need to do for yourself, to see things clearly. This is not even about getting an ex back at all.

While its true, when you do disappear and start doing your own thing and getting yourself together, they wonder what the freak are you doing and do try to find out, but that's not the point, and that's why you ignore them. Why get dragged back into the same thing, with the same result?

This guy dumped you and still has you, plus his freedom, and you sit in limbo hoping. That's not healthy, and NC will enable you to stand on your own two feet, love yourself, and not let someone make you an option when they want to.

That's why you cut contact, ignore them, and do your thing, so you will be happy with who you are, and will not allow yourself to be taken for granted by anyone.

I refer you back to the rules.

[Ulsenheimerak]

going NC is something you have to feel for in your instinct if it's not 100% clear that that's what you should do.
I recommend it a lottt, but in your case i think you would end up feeling worse going NC. I know some people don't agree with me (thanks kp, btw).. but if you really like him and want him back, that's going to keep his attention on you. He needs that reminder that you're there for him and you care.
But like i said, give him his space.. let him get this phase off his chest.
But if you feel its getting out of hand, make sure you draw the line between being a backup or something completely on the side. (update me)

Girl, trust me, I'm going through the same thing right now...
the guy im talking to is partying it up in miami this week..
we're not bf/gf though, and the way he started acting distant shortly before his trip really upset me.
But it hit me that he just wants to break the ties for a bit so he can have fun, and meanwhile see if i can hang. If i went NC, i wouldn't be in the back of his mind during his "fun" and may have therefore vanished from his mind. but now i know its me he'll be coming home to.. :)
that really kick back girl that's just amazing and chill.

now he had his fun, got it out of the way, and is ready to be with the one he knows won't give him drama or play mind games with him all the time. the one that was there all along. and now im here with open arms. Because i really like him, and he's worth it to me.

Okay, I see.. and there is another thing weighing on my mind.. I'm afraid he might be trying to put me in the "friend zone" because the way he is talking to me has changed in the past few days.. actually it flip-flops daily, sometimes he talks to me like a friend, other times like a girlfriend.. is that possible this close after a break up for him to really want to just "be friends".. since we've been talking everyday? How can I keep that from happening if so. I think I need to be making myself a little less available.. cause I'm usually available when HE wants me to be. How can I get away from the friend? I'm getting more and more frustrated with things sometimes.. which is making me think NC might be the way to go... or at least MUCH less contact? I'm still trying to stay relaxed when he talks to me. I just don't know why he wants to talk to me so much still throughout the day I don't even think "friends" talk that much..

[Ulsenheimerak]

Let me explain this simply.

No Contact is to heal from a break up, so that you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.

This is not a mind game to make the ex think a darn thing, because its about YOU, and what you need to do for yourself, to see things clearly. This is not even about getting an ex back at all.

While its true, when you do disappear and start doing your own thing and getting yourself together, they wonder what the freak are you doing and do try to find out, but thats not the point, and thats why you ignore them. Why get dragged back into the same thing, with the same result?

This guy dumped you and still has you, plus his freedom, and you sit in limbo hoping. Thats not healthy, and NC will enable you to stand on your own two feet, love yourself, and not let someone make you an option when they want to.

Thats why you cut contact, ignore them, and do your thing, so you will be happy with who you are, and will not allow yourself to be taken for granted by anyone.

I refer you back to the rules.

I guess this might be what I have to result to.. I just don't want to hurt worse than I do now. I feel a lot stronger since the break up.. probably just because of him and the fact that I'm getting tired of all this.. maybe that's a sign that I'm getting closer to being able to do NC, I just don't want that to bring me back to where I started since I know I can't respond to him.. he might worry that I'm hurt and come to my apartment.. but I guess that's part of it?

[Ulsenheimerak]

And I just wanted to say that you guys make me feel a lot more confident.. and I've only been on here a day,
Thank you so much.

[amicon]

This is a good place to come when you're hurting after a breakup,so come and vent when you need to.

Talaniman post says it all, that's your best option right now,so I suggest you go for it.

End all the confusion and go no contact.

Take care.